i feel that in order to maintain my sanity and emotional well-being, i have to let both important and unimportant things go. i have to work and get caught up in the process without end. if i don't think about the possible failure or success, i won't have any expectations, and therefore i would neither be tremendously satisfied nor disappointed by the end result. i build a void, a depth of blue, a nauseating blankness, a caffeine high that keeps me going.

my mouth feels like it's rotting. a constant nasty taste of decay and infection. in relation, i feel an indefinable anger gnawing away at my heart. a widening hole, a burst in the lungs.

if i look at the way i've run my freelance jobs from a commercial point of view, i've definitely been on the losing end. i say yes to everything in a most compliant way, without much thought. i don't get the basis of manipulation(sub/conscious). it's such a waste of time. i guess the reality is that you just have to wise up! the main concern is that i don't want these petty issues to affect my drive for doing what i do. it's been a rather emotional week reflecting on my own naivety in dealing with people i work with.

ive been feeling really frustrated with myself and the internship over the past few weeks. the problem with the internship system in europe is that it creates a dependency on free labor. yes - free labor - i've spelled it out here because that's how i've come to feel taken advantage of. of course, the positive aspects are that i love my job and i am learning a lot here. but of late, my working hours have been increased by another 1.5 - 2 hours / day, not to mention that we work on saturdays as well. yesterday when i requested to leave earlier by 2 hours, my boss asked if i was going to work extra hours next week then? i immediately said no, and i didn't know how else to react because i was really surprised (excuse me, but haven't my extra hours for the last 3 weeks more than compensated for the hours which i've missed at work???) today i went to work with a mission to inform her that no - i refuse to be treated this way anymore. i really want to be involved, but because i've completely missed out on the whole creative/design/decision making aspect , it's terribly difficult for me to be 200% committed, as if Her deadlines were also My deadlines. i Know i've tried my best in everything, but ultimately i'm only an intern with limited abilities. well, we talked about it today and i've decided that out of work responsibility, i will help her out in these intense weeks - and because that's just the demands and constrains of the fashion industry. i should have known what i was signing up for. it's not an ordinary 9-5 desk job and it often requires a lot more than you think. i asked her what she would do without us - to which she said she would simply reduce the size of her collection (which was after all, how she had been working for the past year). right. that's a bull way of running a company.

Beckett

for all the comic absurd elements in Godot, it would be a mistake to brush off the play as the start of all that postmodern meaningless krapp, or as one which is solely playfully ironic. i'm seeing this now because all these recent talk downplaying postmodern literature and the lack of a real narrative is actually just as annoying as what we read these days. we can't place Beckett and contemporary (American) writers in the same context - his existential struggle was very much born out of the war -

from Beckett's diary:

“I want a theatre reduced to its own means, speech and acting, without painting, without music, without embellishments. That is Protestantism if you like, we are what we are”; “Time that stands still, that skips over whole lives, space no easier to cross than the head of a pin, these are perhaps the true false gods of [Godot], if it absolutely has to have some”. Sometimes the focus narrows to the infinitesimal: “‘Toute imparfaite qu’elle fût’ is in my view a serious imperfection, and I have left the indicative”.

(http://www.the-tls.co.uk/tls/public/article812332.ece)

loving the way things are right now - internship (mighty busy 9am - 7pm schedule) + freelance projects after work -