fly like you've never flown before,

Monday, June 29, 2009

congrats to the aberdeen dudes.. now officially DOCTORS.
huh. i am now missing them loads.
and a friend.. whom i have no idea how he is doing at the moment.

so so so busy with life here.
want so much to celebrate with them.

miss miss miss.
Shixian. CK..and MOKY=)

Y5:21 AM

Sunday, June 28, 2009

lately cant help feeling stressed for the portfolio, for the revision, for the class, for the final exam.
but i know. i sure know. deeply know. i just knew that my final 1 month being a medical student (yea, i can make it)is finally coming to a BIG FULL STOP.

and i just know. i am gonna miss it like crazy (but no thanks, i would like to move on to the next level-hehe)

and this friend of mine, recently has been feeling miserable for the fight over the portfolio cases, for the name-calling and etc etc etc.
your best year of life is almost over. nah.

i have come to realise that friends are really important during those best years of life and of coz many more years to come. we wont stop growing, it goes the same, we wont stop making friends along the journey. i wish i wish. i make great friends and a few with whom i can talk to openly when i work in KB hospital.

hopefully we all pass=)

Y7:02 PM

haha. i think i looked like i am thinking far away.

ignore the big tummy.
ignore the person who was sleeping.

Y6:04 AM

haha. okay i know i am mean. sarcastic. harsh to you.
but to let you know. our friendship has been so great that even we dont talk, we dont feel awkward at all.
you read your piece of shit, and i read my newspaper, no conversation exchanged, yet we were both so comfortable.
**
i know i have been talking like i am superior.
but not at all.
there are things really great about you that you yourself dont realise and that i wont tell you about. *evil laugh*
i have tried to refrain talking too much, and giving people impression like the muscles in around my mouth are more bulky than the muscles in the leg ( to walk the talk).
**
but somehow you triggered me.
i guess, there are things i just cant agree with you, but i forgot at the same time that you are living your life your own way.
you are improving, just as what you repeatedly told me across the table today.
and you need no assurance from me.
you are how you define yourself.
go explore the world if your heart wants it,
dont wait till you are old to do so.
**
haha.
okay.
that phrase is for you.
will show you another one next time.
=)

Y2:33 AM

Saturday, June 27, 2009

just a little by Leigh Nash

I know I've, been gone, for a long, long, long, while
I've been singing a song, when all i want, is to see you smile
About the time, I get there, I forget, why I'm gone

I wonder, why, just a little, I'm always wanting something more
Life is a riddle, I wish I had the answer for
Love breaks your heart, to teach you to be strong
I die, just a little, so I can live a little bit more

Like your eyes, you can have rainbows, without rays
In the morning light, I'll be holding you, again
Don't forget, our music, won't disappear, there's no end

I wonder, why, just a little, I'm always wanting something more
Life is a riddle, I wish I had the answer for
Love breaks your heart, to teach you to be strong
I die, just a little, so I can live a little bit more

I will sing to you, when the road sings me to sleep
Maybe you stay with me, and I will give you songs, you can keep

I wonder, why, just a little, I'm always wanting something more
Life is a riddle, I wish I had the answer for
Love breaks your heart, to teach you to be strong
I die, just a little, so I can live a little bit more

Y9:07 AM

lately, i have seen so much in the ward.
sometimes, it surprised me that i myself could be so cold-hearted, insensitive and not professional.
just one day when i was in the ward, there was this middle aged lady who was my mum's age. she was writhing in pain, and asked if i could give her a painkiller. i was too focused to find out about my patient that i somehow ignored her.

then i realised, how if that was my mum? or my father? or anyone whom i love, would i be able to ignore. first thing i learnt i could be so heartless.

i found out about my patient, and she complained of epigastric pain with symptoms of heart failure. i was too lethargic to get my brain to work, and just the next hour, she was too restless to talk, and i was shocked, so i summoned a doctor. and the next thing, she was in asystole, and 15 minutes of CPR done, she found her heart rhythm back.

the next morning when i presented the case to dato, it surprised him, and it surprised me. did we just do enough by clerking and performing physical examination and treat her so superficially as acute cholesytitis when she could have a more sinister disease- myocardial infarction?
she was later transfered to ICU. i need to go ICU to find out how she has been doing. a tragic. a lesson i hope i would always remember. if that's our mum. would we probe more? would we be more eager?

we have always said. we wanna save more patients, first and foremost if only we do no harm.

i hope i remember my lesson.

Y6:33 AM

Saturday, June 20, 2009

just as today, while walking through the crowd in the hospital, i realised that, i had not had a single day thinking i am good enough to be a competent doctor. i was wondering, is it the medical knowledge is too vast too wide or the syllabus is designed in such a way that, everyday literally we are learning new thing.

just like how i felt after having gone through the O@G posting with Dr. Kathi. a seemingly simple straightforward case could turn out to have a hidden agenda in it, it left me puffing catching my breath, as if i was just about to end a marothon, another just began.

it's good in a way that we are pushed to our limit to pursue the never endin business in medical school. that's never a day i would be comfortably telling myself that, well, i have acquired enough, let's have some little fun before i move on to the next level.

today, i was in the delivery suite observing 2 medical officers (MO) performing an external cephalic version. the confident look shown left me bewildered if i would ever be confident in my own clinical skills.

the price i paid for being not confident in myself, it's not like i have a pimple pop up on my face that i could use a cream to wipe it and seal it. the not having confidence has certainly bruised me to a certain degree. and i have suffered the complication.

i somehow believed that what happened in my childhood, had taken a toll in me, which had caused such an impact in my life.

i so wished, one day, i would be able to taste the joy of being confident in me myself. it would certainly be like a ripe grape, from sour, it turns sweet. that would be the time when i would be refreshing the memories of my embarrassed moment i ever caught myself in for my lack of confidence.

certainly, i have a long way to go to become a confident Earl. i am taking it slowly though there are times when i feel so frustrated that i lose my patience.

Y6:07 AM

Friday, June 19, 2009

if only some would be as understanding as you,
if only..

thanks you very much for being my friend, one of the bestest friends.

Y5:33 AM

Staying the Course
By BJ Gallagher

Our journey of life is about progress,
not perfection.
It's not about doing one thing
100% better -
it's a matter of doing 100 things,
1% better each day.

Progress is evolutionary
not revolutionary,
and most days we measure our progress
in inches,
not miles.

What matters most
is showing up for your life
whether you feel like it
or not.

Ask yourself,
"What two or three little things
can I do today
that would move me forward?"

You'll be amazed
at how much distance
you can cover
by taking it in increments.

The little things add up;
the inches turn to miles;
and we string together our efforts
like so many pearls.
Before long,
look what you have -
a whole strand!

Ah... beautiful.

it's always the loud music i put on to numb my ears and to freeze my thoughts, i just know, there's this thought nagging at the back my head, so loud so domineering that i could not seem to ignore, there's this once a while, hormone ragging someone calls it, but i dont always think feeling miserable is at all always related to female being female.

once a while, we are kinda comfortable with the way how we carry ourselves, and it's always with the people that we know, we reveal our self, without us realising that sometimes it can cause a havoc,until it does, we start re-evaluating ourselves, to hold back or to just being ourselves.

today, i made a silly mistake again, i was down with feeling a bit inadequate, until i remembered i have another 50 years (touch wood), so i have miraculously preserved.

weekend is such a good time to reflect on what;s been happening around in my life at the moment.

to embrace hard work,
to let go of our ego,
..... Dr. Kat

http://www.blessyoumovie.com/

Y4:54 AM

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

i need to be more organized that's ALL!
to do list:

shorter term
1. SPA form registration
2. Ethical course
3. Ortho porty
4. Orthodontic appointment
5. read read read O&G

short term
1. to get all my porty corrected
2. to fill in the blue shit
3. to study more
4. to jog more
5. to CBT myself more
6. to love myself more
7. to pray more
8. to love my family more
9. to love my friends more
10. to graduate soon to be a Dr. Ann Chyi Earl

long term
1. to marry someone soon

Y6:16 AM

Sunday, June 7, 2009

i shall preserve.
considering i have another 50 years to live,
what would i do for the remaining years if i were to learn all things well and at once.
i wont mind the mistake.
they say, mistake is good for the first time,
as we always learn from mistake,
but when you make the same mistake the second time,
they say it sharpens your eyes and make you see things much clearer.
however,
when the mistake is repeatedly made,
you are kinda dumb.

and i think i am dumb as always.
but it is okay i have another 50 years to learn,
no hurry.

=)

Y8:14 PM

Saturday, June 6, 2009

to you, my friend=)
to the both of us.

dont really know how when after we have graduated, and worked in different places,
whether i would be able to call you at once..

and whether we would still be able to talk like this...endless.

seriously, when i said birds of same feather flock together i really meant it.
coz i have met so many people like you along my pursuit of happiness.

though you are irreplaceable,
but i hope i would meet someone like you at where i work.

cheers up.
i am sure you will do real fine.

i wish. wish you. all the very best.
you are always more capable than me in talking yourself out of misery.
=)

Y9:07 AM

Thursday, June 4, 2009

last 2 weeks had been a rollercoster ride to me, and most of the time i found myself decelerated after a peak point, and on and on.

i had more worries, more sleepless nights, my confidence kept desaturating until i started to doubt my own ability, i found myself more helpless than before.

until yesterday, i realised that at least i could face my own weaknesses, at least i am responsible, and the most important thing, i admitted my fault, and mended it, and not put others at fault of my own wrongdoings.

paulo coelho like the flowing river: anyone who understands the meaning of life knows that things have neither a beginning nor an end, and that there is, therefore, no point in worrying. fight for what you believe in without trying to prove anything to anyone, maintain the same silence calm of someone who has had the courage to choose his own destiny

sometimes, when i have let my heart to see that this world is still beautiful,
i find myself enjoying the inner peace in me
despite there are people who are breaking the balance of the ecosystem,

.....and coz i had tasted hatred, and it was like a bitter pill to swallow,

when i allowed my mind to believe that people were evil
(when i over-reacted to a situation that i made myself believed that it was true when it might not be real).

hopefully i am gaining back more inner peace=)

Y3:42 PM

i have just come back from on call which started from night to 6.30am.

had waited for a case, which took my whole night to deliver only one baby. this time it was so much better than the first ever delivery i did.

just when we were re-in forced by all the people around us that, our rivals were the jururawatmasyrakat pelajar, they had surprisingly been supportive throughout my hard-earned opportunity to delivery a baby. instead of ushering me home when the clock stroked 5am, they had persuaded me to wait a bit longer not to miss the opportunity, just when i was washing the instruments, this JMP harniza thought i would better get my signature and let her finished the remaining. in a flicker of moment, i felt really touched by a pure heart of a kind soul=)

the moment i delivered the baby, i saw the mother face growled in light, which i hardly saw nowadays. i was however kinda shocked when i looked at the baby's face.

he had a pair of low set ears, with a flat nose, and a protruding tongue, i wasn't sure if the baby had a down syndrome as i predicted from the features in his look. the mother said he looked way different from his siblings.

there are people who were born defenseless, while me, lucky enough to be able to stand on my own feet.

on the way back home, the surrounding was serene, with the sky still dark, and the lamp post gleaming in light, i found the courage resurfacing.

Y3:15 PM

Staying the Course By BJ Gallagher

Staying the Course
By BJ Gallagher