listening now: Lighten Up by Morcheeba!

I can feel a storm brewing over nothing

We were having fun

There's no harm done there

You need attention

I can see you're sulking

It's about time that you learn to share

It's gonna brighten up

I want to play

You're in the way of our sunshine

It's gonna brighten up

Just let it go

And I will throw you a lifeline

I don't what happened

To those resolutions

We think we found the truth at last

When it escapes

Inside the mirror is a false impression

I can feel so swollen

When I'm in good shape

It's gonna brighten

want to play

You're in the way of our sunshine

It's gonna brighten up

Just let it go

And I will throw you a lifeline

It's gonna brighten up

I want to play

You're in the way of our sunshine

It's gonna brighten up

Just let it go

And I will throw you a lifeline

Y4:27 AM

i miss dad pretty much, i have stopped crying for dad's condition until yesterday when i found out from sister that he didn't seem to be okay.



i didn't know how dad would be reacting to his own dilemma, we had not talked about it openly, and it's always hard to even initiate the conversation.



dad trembled a lot while walking along the corridor towards the oncology center, the whole experienced kinda haunted him a lot.



He met his old friends, which they looked as if they were seeing something horror, which thought to be well concealed, but dad, being the sensitive one, could easily feel the uneasiness.



People unknown to us, kept looking his way, and as if the scrutiny wasn't bad enough, they asked what disease my dad had got. some even volunteered answers like, was it stroke?was it this and that.



When i was back at home, i would walk him around the house, and just called dad, he said he was catching a film on TV, and i asked if it was nice, he said not at all. i wished i was home to walk him.



My dad, always being the extrovert, love singing, love experiencing what life has to offer, striking conversation with anyone, now it's as if dad's locked himself in his own physical body, and seem to have lost his soul.



he hasn't sang for a very long time,

he hasn't been meeting his own friends, the friends he treasures back in high school,

he hasn't been eating something that satisfies his taste buds.



i seriously feel for my dad.

i wished, things hadn't gone so wild..
i asked, what had i given my dad except the grey hairs that stand out, which he had lost it after the treatment.



he is so wasted now that, he easily curls himself up on bed, which aches my heart so much.



i seriously hope dad is calm and well=)

despite the condition, dad realises that there are lots more people who love him just the way he loves them. they have not abandoned him, instead, they care for him, and it really touches my heart for the kind people.

Y12:17 AM

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

You will enjoy learning how to go slow right now, because there is so much to see.

You might be bursting with energy or you might be feeling quite calm today -- but however much energy you have, you should conserve as much of it as you possibly can today. You will need all of it later on, at an unexpected time today. You might actually enjoy learning how to take things more slowly right now, because there are so many new ideas and new people all around you -- unless you slow down you won't be able to fully enjoy them!

Y9:25 AM

Y5:01 AM

funny. funny. funny.

there's this latest rumour about one of our batchmates might be in a relationship now. and it so happened that he is my neighbour, and it so unbelievably happened that he followed suit after one of his housemate was recently attached to a girl too, 1 year ago, and the other x-housemate got hooked up so fast after few weeks into our clinical phase.

so. my housemate, thought maybe i should move in to their house, seeing that they have got this "tao hua yun".

sometimes, i find this housemate of mine, kinda cute and funny.

Y7:31 AM

have had covered ward or gone earlier to the ward everyday before 8 strikes. it's not so much of the staying out late or waking up early that tire me up, but rather of my choice of letting my mind wanders, of letting the overwhelming stress to get the better of me.

just after class, as if to celebrate my 2 weeks in a row to end, i went to my most fav vegetarian restaurant, had a quiet meal, but the brain never ceases to work, guess i have not really recovered from the shock i saw before i left university- the uncle with gastric carcinoma.

had seen a few of elderly patients who had to suffer from any kind of illness that take way from them of the previous skills they have.they lied down on bed, they had an opening in the throat, every time they coughed, the thick phlegm just squirted out from that tiny opening.

today, the uncle i had seen for the past few days, admitted for advanced stage of gastric carcinoma, he was writhing in pain this morning, and the eyes already rolled upward in the evening, with a small gadget chanting the mantra. it was really a pain to see why all these have to happen.

it's like when we aim for A, but when we get a C in the end, we thought well, B would be better, likewise, when knowing we would die in the end, we are not so scared of it anymore, but to die well.

Being medical student, when an overwhelming emotion has taken a toll on us, we think, well, let me not see this for a few days, let me hibernate and see what the defense mechanism i would develop, but once we start working, we just cant escape like how we do when we are still medical student, the overwhelming emotional stress from everyday live, death, and the process of an illness itself.

Y12:35 PM

Y2:22 AM

dont really dare to countdown the days left before exam strikes.

can really feel the exam heat here and there.

everywhere i go.

study group.

everytime i see people banging their heads on the table even on the odd day like the first day of 2009.

that's how pathetic medical students are. esp the M2 batch.

okay. i shall go study. just to get myself to de-stress a bit before i hit my book again.

another day almost passes. one more hour.

that's when we think time is precious, every second actually counts.

Y6:55 AM

Y7:13 AM

Y5:13 AM

Y4:07 AM

it's this time of the year again. two shots in a year. damn tiring.
i have got this dejavu now and then-

of rushing through the syllabus,
of going to ward diligently to do more physical examination,
of staying back in uni for more revision classes,
of not taking my meals regularly due to sudden loss of appetite, of..

and the feeling of stress resurface. and it's mounting now.

but knowing that all of my friends are working hard together..

all the feeling of stress.. and the feeling of dejavu have gone down a bit=)

let's gambateh together, Semester 10, here we C-O-M-E!!!

Y7:35 PM

with the unprecedented, overly enthusiasm i had shown today, i got to go to the endoscopy room to do work instead of observing how endoscopy was done. it was pretty much like working as a clerk, which involved nothing but writing patient's particulars, and begging them to be part of the population for a research done in HS.

sometimes, things are really portrayed as how our minds work. it didnt end too badly.

i just cant quit laughing at the thought of this young doctor, who supposedly,theoretically should be assisting the surgeon in holding the tail of the endoscope while the surgeon transversing the scope through any potential tube, he instead was stationed outside the endoscope room, interviewing patients, and finding their veins and drawing them out.

it's so obvious that his heart was with the surgeon at all time when he worked his butt at those tedious work. he would just tiptoe inside standing behind the green curtain, once there was no more patients outside to just get a glimpse of how the endoscopy was done.

his facial expression when asked if a patient still single or married, was the utmost of all, which he turned and looked up (coz he was all this while busy writing) at the patient with his shocking look, that had so obviously shown that he just didnt get it why this patient had not got married.

and... the atmosphere inside the endoscopy room, was as hilarious as ever, and those MA could be of great help in explaining when those surgeons tried their best to AVOID any eye-contact with us.

and.. i am touched today by what a doctor did. There was this patient's wife who had repeatedly approached me to request if she could see the doctor herself to get all of queries cleared regarding her husband's condition. I wasnt sure if i should advise her to consult the doctor at the next appointment, but finally, i am just glad i didnt brush her aside, for not knowing what happened, and for waiting till the appointment time to come, i think it would just be so unbearable.

i had decided to approach this doctor, anticipating that i would be shooed away, this doctor, instead had shown a lot of enthusiasm, and asked where the patient's wife was.

and she had happily explained to the patient. and i could hear that the patient had sighed a good relief upon the explanation.

sometimes, a small gesture, thought to be insignificant, could turn out to be of great help.

thanks the doctor for making my day. what a nice lovely world the world is with these doctors around.they are, in my eyes, the real doctors, unlike some mechanical doctors=)

Y6:41 AM