Wednesday, December 31, 2008
another year has come by.
the last day of the year 2008, i had spent it like other ordinary day, though i had decided to take supper to fatten my already flabby arms, round abdomen, so what. those "what if i gain weight" kind of thought just had to stay aside first. stomach always come first.
no spraying,
no celebration,
no shouting out loud at the top of my lung to anyone " happy new year, and may god bless you loads this year"
it was a plain some quality time i spent with myself.
nothing fancy, just let the pictures ran through my mind, ran wild about how the year 2008 had passed so swiftly.
i thought about how things started, right after the first posting in semester 8, this unforeseen circumstances hit me like mad,
first time seeing my dad in the ICU. i thought of my mum, my super big sister, my funny 2nd sister, and my determined young brother.
when i played the song " Kc-and Jojo, all my life", i thought of shixian, and i knew i missed her terribly, for i used to have her everytime when i felt miserable. for she is one of the few people that opens her heart to all people, to all regardless.
and i thought of my housemate, Cheng Khuang, for what she had told me over the phone last week. the things she told me, still stunned me, for her genuine and sincerity which i hardly see in seremban.
and i thought of Wan, who had repeated told me that if she was not to get married, she would serve at Mercy, for more people to benefit of what she could have offered.
many of us, when thought of becoming doctors, fame, reputation, money always stain our brain. hardly anyone, who could so genuinely tell people that they are here to help.
when i told him, i would only specialize when i think it will help more people. i dont wish to be part of a rat race, following what people have pursued so i could stand out as one of the greatest. i hope i wont change. i pray i will keep this promise with me, who knows i will change, but at this moment, i am glad i have this small thought in my mind.
i thought of what a semester i had gone through. i had thought of DS, who repeatedly told us, is that how you used your patients to practice and not contribute anything? i dont know, of all the things he had preached me, this echoed in my brain rather loud.
and what Prof Delikan had said. "we treat our patients as a fellow human being, not who he is or who he knows."
and when i played the "bad day", i thought of Moky, my once Makan-Kaki. he may have sounded so "dont care a thing", he had always had his heart for his patients.
and after my mind went really wild, i thought to myself, how could i not think of him. i guess, all this while, i had not talked to him about how i felt, what dreams were like, how terribly i had done for this semester, and how and..stuff. for he always seemed to have a bigger problem than me, for he had always been so negative that everything was no possible.
but still, he is one of the best friend i have. and i do appreciate him a lot. as best friend.
guess, nowadays my immune system isnt doing so well. coz i am rather allergic to fakers.
Y5:44 PM
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
* no matter what, i will always keep my cheerful and genuine smile with me,
for to lose a precious smile, is as if i have lost the whole world*
Gokusen doesnt only serve as a form of entertaiment, it too, has a lot of good values to be shared with.
i am done with the 2nd episode, still resisting myself from knowing more about what is in store in the 3rd episode.
those kids cant be any worse, with bad attitudes, worst than ever school results, troublemakers, that's what they are judged as.
but not what the homeroom teacher has thought about them.
at least they have their hearts at the right place. she said.
it's easy to fall flat face, and has difficulty standing up high again. and yet, those failures are the ones that keep me grounded, never to fly off too high until i see none but me myself. it's always good to know that despite i have done terribly in this sem, i know those are just my down-moments for what's life without having fell badly? those difficult moments taught me lots more than what's in the book.
"of coz the night is long, and you sink down deeply
when the sun rises up, it'll still be gleaming
someday the future you dreamed of
and now will be a little bit different
the tears shed for dreams
keep shining without fading
your heart will always watch you
with the feeling that tear your heart apart
feel all of your dreams eternally
overflowing like those summer clouds"
Y7:58 AM
Monday, December 29, 2008
i have found my old cassette somewhere in the car, which i was so fond of.
have been listening to it over and over again, and boredom has not set in yet.
it's good that my player can play cassette, or would be better if i can burn all those songs into my computer which is no possible.
Y5:15 AM
Thursday, December 25, 2008
i have always loved late night, for everyone has gone to sleep ,TV is shut down, i would normally leave my radio on, with my favorite DJ hosting my favorite night programe, it overwhelmes me sometimes, it put me to a better sleep at most times, everything gets to slow down, even i have to put a stop to all the studying, and get to enjoy how frogs croaks in chorus.
4 more days before i say goodbye to 2008.
the year i would remember the most.
for it shatters me to pieces at times, and break me down sometimes, for i cried the loudest scream which is mute, for i see nothing but darkness.
and it wakes me up again, having to realise that difficult life always teaches me something, something valueable.
the fear of letting go someone i love the most is the toughest of all to learn, to even talk about it, i would have more eye- twitches, more heart aching, more sweats in the palms, more sleepless night tearing in between reality and dream.
i prayed initially for his good health, for gaining back what we seem to have lost,
until recently, i prayed for his peace, for accepting this cruelty of life that knocks us down, yet ironically, has spurred us all to appreciate life even more, to live life to the fullest.
i guess, after what we have gone through, i still feel so much thankful.
what do i want for year 2009?
http://www.chanfong.com/clip.do?id=144
Y7:39 AM
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
i am really glad that i am home finally.
it's been 4 years since the last time i came home for christmas.
what reminded me the most about this festive season, not the celebration itself, rather the nostalgia how December had been like when i was small.
The rain. non-stop. sometimes heavy, but most of the time, it was this light rain, which i have always thought it made the best music.
sometimes, when
raining went a wee wild, water started to accumulate and made a small pond outside my house. that's when i loved to sink my feet in it and that's how December was like.
my father would suggest to get me tag along him to town and drop by at the old coffee shop and had a
hot milo or coffee. sometimes i would see my friend waved at me on his sampan, while others tagged along their fathers too.
i had always made myself study for next year exam, during this time of the year so i could catch up with studies when school reopened.
every year, i would tune in the TV and see how the urban folks celebrated a joyous new year with envy but with me growing up, and having to leave my hometown, what i wanted to do every year isnt getting myself a wild celebration, but rather coming home to where my heart is, and getting nostalgic again.
reading " the gift"by cecillia ahem at the moment.
Y7:40 PM
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
i started writing my own blog way back when i was in pre-clinical phase. i had introduced multiply to most of my friends, and they, too had created their own account and had started to manage their own blogs.
none of them are still writing, except Mr Chee koon who has sustained his own blog until now, from multiply to quiting it and starting all over again in blogspot.com
i swear if it isnt speed problem as multiply seems to have always take ages to load a page, i wouldnt have quitted my multiply and joined blogspot.com.
it's a matter of faithfulness. *ceh*
it's my own personality which i have zero tolerance towards any form of slowness/retardation, except people with mental retardation * palm firmly applied on my apex beat*
i guess, i love writing just like how i love escaping from crowd, and really be myself.
sometimes i wonder why on earth would i reveal too much of myself?
just like how i love people writing to me, and me replying non-stop.
i was once asked, of all the four things, which would i choose to express my love? touch-gift-time-words.
touch- it's an absolute no-no to me. a slight pressure applied on my skin, i would jump like how a chicken is about to be slaughtered. just how super-uncomfortable feeling i have about touching.
gift- i have always loved gifts which i could put it to use for daily life, like a BOX of pen, a BOX of A4 papers, a BOX of high-lighters, or a nice book, but i end up getting doll, doll, doll, which are nice to see, good to hold, but once broken, that's it.
time- yes. but i love spending time with myself, and my own space, and to have people spending time with me, it would be good once in a blue moon, but not too frequent=)
yes. i chose words.
Labels: nothing significant duh
Y9:36 AM
* no matter what, i will always keep my cheerful and genuine smile with me,
