I have banned HPTs

First, I wanted to thank DC, Wendy and Brenda for your support. I don't know what I would do had I not started this blog and found other women like you. It has been the best support system. Thank you!

I have decided that I'm done with HPTs. I'm not going to subject myself to that any more. I haven't tested since 3:30 am Sunday. No, I didn't wake up specifically to test. My dog got sick and I had to clean that up and then decided, "Well, while I'm up..." I might take one more on the morning of my beta, just to be sure. I still think it's going to be negative. Call it woman's intuition (or 6 negative tests), I don't know. I just don't think it worked this time.

I was pretty down all weekend and now I've passed in to the pissed off stage. I'm pissed because we spent money and time and because we wasted 2 really, really good blastocysts. And for what? For absolutely nothing. Infertility sucks.

I've started thinking about our next steps. This first cycle was covered by my insurance but I only have coverage up to a maximum of $20,000 per lifetime. With the average cycle costing about $12k, we've already blown through 60% of it. We do have 3 blasts frozen so that's the next logical step. I'm willing to jump back in pretty quickly. I don't know if FET is considered part of my IVF coverage or not - I need to check on that. If not, I'm guessing it costs around $4,000? Anyone know? If the FET doesn't work, I'd be willing to do one more fresh cycle and one more frozen if it were an option. And then, I think I'll be pushing the envelope. I turn 39 in April and might be at risk for the "donor egg" conversation. I don't want to go down that road. If it's not mine, I have no interest. I know that might sound selfish or ignorant but it's how I feel.

Well, just a few more days to get through and then I can move on. You know what else is bugging me? That I have to keep doing these damn PIO shots. I'm starting to get lumps and bruises. Damn IVF.

I think it's over

9dp5dt = BFN

Now, I just need to wait for the official word after my beta. Shit.

Those pesky thoughts

I'm now 7dp5dt and I'm still getting a big, fat, depressing negative. Those pesky thoughts of failure are starting to creep in. Part of me thinks it's still too early and part of me thinks that I'm not going to see a different result. That's what I get for taking the risk of getting hooked on HPTs. I've been asking Dr. Google about typical hcg levels at my stage and I get everything from women seeing a BFP at 4dpt to having betas in the hundreds. Who knows what is accurate? I have pretty much told myself that if I am still getting a negative by Tuesday, the show is over. I'm trying to remain positive but as you all know, it's so hard.

In other news, I got a promotion today at work. It was expected but still great news for a Friday! I'm hoping that trend will continue and I'll get my BFP before the weekend is over. We'll see.......

Still waiting and waiting and waiting...

Nothing new to report except I gave in and took another HPT this morning. Still negative. It's only 5dp5dt so I know it's still really early (right?!) - I just couldn't help myself. They keep calling me from the cabinet in the bathroom. Come to us Suzanne.... come test with us. I have promised myself that I will hold off and not test again until Sunday... unless the HPT's tempt me with ice cream and then I can't be responsible.

I took today off from work and spent the day with my sister and my 3-week old niece. She is the most adorable baby ever (and I'm not biased... she really is!). It's been a good learning experience for me because I'm getting a sneak preview of what might be in store for me. I was there for the birth and now I'm seeing all of the "behind the scenes" stuff like breast feeding and pumping. Has anyone ever seen one of those breast pump thingies? Very Farmer Brown!

I'm a freak

OK, I can tell already this 2ww is going to drive me insane. I woke up this morning and took a HPT (3dp5dt). Not because I wanted to see if it was positive - I was actually hoping for a negative for once. My thinking was that if I got a negative, when I test next week, if it's positive, it will be a REAL positive. I know myself and I know I won't be able to wait until my beta on July 3rd. I'm too impatient. When I was a little kid, I would snoop and snoop until I found where our Xmas presents were hidden, and then, I would carefully peel off the scotch tape so I could see what it was. And then, I would carefully put the present back together by taping exactly in the same places. So, you can imagine my impatience when it comes to something like finding out if I'm pregnant.

Hopefully my devious plan will work because it was negative this morning which means the trigger shot has left the building! Now, I just have to control myself long enough to not test every other day.

In other news, my RE called today and we ended up having 3 blastocysts frozen in total. I guess that's not bad - 5 of the 11 made it to blasts. She said the remaining embryos stopped growing at some point over the last 8 days. I'm fairly happy with that - if we have to do another cycle, at least we'll be 3 steps ahead of the game.

Are you bloated or just happy to see me?

I'm still feeling fine today except the bloating that I've experienced over the last few days seems to have gotten a little worse. I seriously look like I'm 3-4 months pregnant. The doctor said my ovaries were swollen at the transfer but didn't mention OHSS at all. I'm peeing fairly frequently and I don't really have any pain (except some occasional cramping). So, I'm chalking up the symptoms to mild OHSS and side effects from the PIO shots. You know, with my extensive medical background, I am able to correctly diagnose myself. Yeah, not so much with the medical background.

Meet the embryos!

The transfer this morning went perfectly! We transferred 2 AA blastocysts. 2 others were ready for cryo today and they'll keep us updated on the progress of the remaining ones. T has been hilarious today. When we got home, 2 of our neighbors were outside and he yelled over and said "We have a picture of our embryos!". He's a proud papa already.

Here's a picture of the little ones.



Well, it's time to get busy with my slothing on the couch... honey, I'm ready for lunch now!

We're transferring!

I got the call - embryo transfer is tomorrow morning at 10:30! And....

All ELEVEN embryos are still doing great. We have 2 morulas and the rest are compacting and on their way to becoming morulas. I'm so excited - it looks like we may have 9 to freeze after tomorrow's procedure!

Anyone have any words of wisdom for tomorrow? I know I need to have a full bladder and I'm not too excited about having to pee and someone poking at me at the same time but... it's only for a few minutes and who minds a little pee anyway?

Embie Update

Our little embies are progressing nicely. All 11 have made it to 4 cells. I'm just ecstatic! My RE feels comfortable enough with their progress to go with a Day 5 transfer so, this Friday will be the BIG day!!

We have embryos!

Just got my fertilization report. 11 of the 16 fertilized! I'm thinking my husband's dress attire yesterday had something to do with it...



OK, he didn't really dress up but I bet he would've if he had the costume! I should get a more detailed report tomorrow with cell counts. Keep on growing little babies!!

ER went well

I'm going to keep this short so I don't start rambling in Vicodin-induced blabbing. ER went well. They got 16 eggs total. Now, we just need to see how many of those cooperate with hubby's sperm!

I'll put out another update tomorrow with fertilization count!


7:30 pm

I'm feeling much, much better. Had some pretty significant cramping for about 4 hours after the procedure but that seems to have subsided now.

I was just thinking about the day and one thing has been in the back of mind. I'm not really the type of person to believe in fate or fortune telling but I do believe there is a higher power and that things do happen for a reason - even if we can't see or understand them at the time. So, here's something that I wanted to share.

*Today is my dad's birthday. He passed away suddenly in 2000 from a brain aneurysm but I know he would've been absolutely ecstatic at my sister having a baby and the prospect of me having one.

*As we all know, today is also Father's Day.

*And, lastly, today would've been my due date had the pregnancy been viable.

So, is it just coincidence that today was my ER or is my dad looking after me to make sure everything went well? Obviously, I'm thinking the latter. I love you Dad!

Ready, Set, Aim!

I got great news today - I get to trigger tonight! My estrogen jumped up to over 1300 and I have approximately 7 follicles that are around 18 mm. Yippee! I never thought I'd be so happy to get a shot in my ass!

ER is scheduled for Sunday at 9:30 am. I'll to post the number that afternoon if I feel up to it.

If I had a crystal ball

I've been wondering about the future a lot lately. I'm sure the prospect of having a baby has NOTHING to do with that. I have so many questions and if I had the answers, it would make life so much easier. Will this cycle work? Will I be pregnant in 2 weeks? Will I have a singleton or twins (we have decided to put 2 embryos back - assuming we have 2 to put back)? If the cycle fails, will I ever have kids?

Does anyone else think like this or am I just weird? I mean, I think where I was this time last year and I would have never imagined the course of events over the last 9 months and I certainly wouldn't have predicted that I'd be in the middle of an IVF cycle. Life is so weird sometimes. So, if I had a crystal ball, I would totally be looking in to my future. What about you guys? If you could, would you look?

Aw, they are getting all grown up

I’m feeling much, much better about things now. My ultrasound this morning revealed 15 follicles (not sure where the other 2 were hiding). Most are now between 11-15 mm. The doctor said I looked very "full" (and I'm assuming she wasn't talking about my expanding belly). My estrogen is also up to 779. Whoo hoo! After my first estrogen reading of 27.6, I told my husband that I might start growing a mustache soon. Now, we joke that I’m a woman again. OK, when you read that, you have to sing the Bee Gee’s song “More Than A Woman”. Now, it’s funny, right?


The doctor said I’ll most likely trigger Saturday and ER will be Monday. I have one more ultrasound on Friday and I’m supposing that will be the determining factor. I am wondering one thing. I ordered 2 more boxes of Gonal-F and I thought I ordered one box of Menopur but they only sent me one vial. I’m trying to judge if I have enough to get me through. If I trigger on Saturday, do I stop the stims at that point?

Follicles haven't graduated from the short bus quite yet...

Had another ultrasound and blood work done today. Things are definitely progressing. My E2 is now up to 316 and 12 of the 13 follicles are now measurable. They are all hanging between 10-11 mm. I asked my nurse if I was starting to get back on track progress-wise and she said I'm still a day or two behind but I shouldn't worry about that - this is what is right for me. I am NOT at risk for cancellation at this point. I love her!

So, I have to continue my stims for another 4-5 days but if it's working, I'll do it for the rest of the year! Estimated ER is now moved to Sunday or Monday of next week. The only bad news is that I had to order a few more boxes of Gonal-F and Menopur - another $780.00, thank you very much (maybe that's good practice for when I have to bend over for the PIO shots?). Youch!

Meet my kids...

For those of you that don't know me, I am a mommy to 2 dogs and one kitty. Here's a few pictures. Kobe (on the left) and Kaly are both Akitas and brother and sister. They are 9 & 10 years old. Unfortunately, the breed only lives to 10 or 12 so they don't have too many years left.



Kisa, the kitty, is also 10 years old.




They are the joy (and sometimes frustration) of my life and I really do think of them as my kids. We're hoping they'll be able to meet another newer member of the family sometime next year!

Dog Tired

I'm not exactly sure what has happened over the last 24 hours but I have been dead tired since last night. I went to bed around 10:00 pm and slept straight through until 9:00 this morning (which is unusual for me). Now, it's 2:00 EST and I think I need to take a nap. Is this a normal side effect of the stim drugs?

As I mentioned yesterday, I have another follow up appointment tomorrow morning. I'm hoping to get more good news and an even more increased estrogen level. If all continues to go well, I should be doing my trigger shot on Wednesday and the retrieval on Friday. The whole cycle has just flown by and I can't believe we are already at this point. Even though there have been some slight ups and downs, it's been easier than I expected (at least the shots have been). Let's just hope the remainder of the cycle goes well. :)

Promising News

Just got my results back and I think I can breathe a sigh of relief. My E2 raised to 126 and the nurse said that's a good jump from what it was on Thursday. I guess they look for it to double so I made up some ground. She said she suspected I'd really be kicking in over the next few days and that it's not uncommon for a first-timer to be a little delayed in the beginning. Darn stubborn follies! I also asked some more questions about the ultrasound. Of the 10 follicles, 2 were definitely at 10mm and she suspected that the other 8 were between 9 & 10. I guess the other 3 could still kick in but they aren't counting them for now because they are still too small.

I knew from reading other blogs and from talking to a friend who went through this 3 times that it's a roller coaster ride and I thought I knew where the highs and lows would be. I've been a little caught off guard by the simplest things that I never expected would cause problems. I'm not freaking out or anything like that - just surprised that the things I thought would be easy haven't necessarily been easy and it makes me realize even more how delicate this whole procedure is.

I have another follow up appointment on Monday so I'll post those results that evening.

More results

I had another u/s & b/w done this morning. They counted 10 eggs this morning that were "measurable", 6 on the left side and 4 on the right. I had 2 that were 10-10.5mm (one on each side). I guess that's good? Today will be Day 6 of stims. I'm still a little nervous that I'm not responding as quickly as I should and scared to death that they'll cancel me. I don't know what I'd do if that happened. The blood work from this morning should be a good indictor. Something has GOT to be happening if the eggs are growing, right?

I'll post again later today with my estrogen count. Please, please, please be in a good range.

Day 4 Stims

I had another u/s and b/w done today. I have 13 follicles, which I think is a good number? My blood work was OK, not great. The nurse said they’d like to see my estradiol level a little higher than what it is (27.6). I asked what a good number was and she couldn't really say because it differs by person and depending on where you are in your cycle. She said all of my eggs are small right now so I am stopping the Lupron altogether (I already decreased from 20 units to 5 units this past Monday) and increasing my Gonal-F from 225 to 300. Menopur is staying the same. Hopefully, the change will give me a jump start and get those eggs growing! I have another appointment on Saturday morning to see where we are.

On the bright side, at least I’m down to only 2 shots per day now! I have had some twinges today in the areas that I'm guessing are my ovaries and felt some achiness when I bent over so I’m taking that as a good sign. Maybe I just have slow starters (yeah, I know... they are my eggs).

A New Addition to our Family

My sister had her baby this morning. Little Kaitlyn is perfect and one of the cutest babies I have EVER seen. I was lucky enough to be allowed to stay during the birth and it was one of the most awesome things I've ever experienced... a little disturbing, but totally awesome!

I will admit that toward the end of the labor when my sister was in some serious pain, I did think to myself briefly "Do I REALLY want to have a kid?" but as soon as that baby came out and we got to hold her, I knew the answer right away.

Today was still a little hard for me. Once all of the excitement calmed down, I started thinking about the pregnancy I lost and about my due date that would've been next week. It's still hard to think about what we infertiles have to go through just to get that one precious thing.

In other news, I started my stims last night. I really hope I did it right - there's a lot of mixing with this set - I think it took me 1/2 hour to give myself both shots - I kept reading and re-reading the instructions. And the Menopur didn't sting at all.

Ready for Stims

Had my Day 3 blood work and U/S done this morning and got the green light to start my stims tonight. 225 of Gonal-F and 150 of Menopur. I've heard the Menopur stings like a bitch so I'm not looking forward to that one. During the ultrasound, the doctor threw out some numbers and said to the nurse that I had 7 on the right and 5 on the left. I asked what that meant and she just said they like to take baselines and that it's a really good number. I should've asked more questions but I didn't - does that mean I have that many follicles "in waiting"?

In other news, my sister seems to be in the early stages of labor. She started having some minor cramping around 1:00 am and has been off and on all day but it's really irregular. I'm half way expecting a call in the middle of the night. She's one week past due and miserable. It is time for baby to come out!

Is Working Out Really Worth It At This Point?

About 3 weeks ago, I got so disgusted with my appearance that I decided to start working out again. I've never been one of those workout freaks who has to hit the gym every day or else they feel guilty. Instead, I was cursed with a fast metabolism when I was young (or at least until I turned 30) so I was misled into thinking I was one of those lucky people that would NEVER have to work out (seriously, my sister and I used to drink milkshakes and eat pasta EVERY DAY to gain weight). I keep thinking that something will change and suddenly, I'll wake up with the same body that I had 10 years ago. Instead, I wake up and find myself looking more and more like my mother (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, except she's 63).

So, I started working out again but told myself I'd ease into it by doing just cardio. I've been averaging 3-4 times/week @ 30 minutes each visit. Not too shabby. But, I'm wondering if it's really worth it? From everything I've read, I'm sure to gain at least 10 pounds while going through in vitro so at the very least, I'm remaining in exactly the same place. OR I get pregnant and then who the hell feels like working out? It's much more fun to eat ice cream and french fries!

I know, I know. It's all about a healthy lifestyle and I do feel better after I go. I even make sure I tell all of the employees at Chipotle on my way home.