Dear 2008

You sucked. To honor you, I thought it would be appropriate if I listed some of my favorite posts.

So, here's my version of Times Square.

5...4...3...2...1

This is Me

The Pooh Before the Poo

A New Addition To Our Family

We have embryos!

The 8 Phases of Grief

Personal and Confidential

Public or Private?

Always a Bridesmaid

A Little Privacy, Please?

One Year Ago Today

So, thanks for the memories 2008.

(Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out)!

2009... c'mon in!

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to wish everyone a "Merry Christmas".

I know this time of year is extremely difficult, trust me. I'm right there with you.

But, we'll get through it.

Together.

Don't you want another?!

Today started just like any other day.

And, then at 11 am, my world stopped.

Yes, that's right.

"Mommy with twins" decided to come for a visit with said twins.

You might remember her from several months ago - when she tormented me all day long with her woeful tales of heartburn and deciding what to eat.

Right on cue, the entire office surrounded her with the usual "Oohs" and "Ahs".

Let me put this in perspective for you. This is a real picture of my desk. Do you see the half wall? She sits on the other side.



One guess where everyone gathered.

I've gotten better. I can actually stand that for about 10 minutes now.

When I felt like I had enough, I started searching for reasons to leave my desk.

I successfully found a reason to walk to the copier 4 different times.

"Boy, isn't Suzanne busy? She gets back to her desk and then runs off again".

I was running out of things to copy and about 2 seconds away from going back down to copy my own ass when the question came...

"Aren't they so cute? Don't you want another?!"

(dream sequence)

We interrupt this program to bring you late breaking news...

There seems to have been an incident at a business located in the Washington, DC suburbs.

Sources say a crazed woman grabbed her stapler and began running around the office screaming.

One eyewitness reports, "She was crazy and shooting people with staples. I heard her scream "That's for my ovaries, biotch!"

Another eyewitness reports he has never seen such a crazy scene.

Suzanne? Did you hear me?

Uh, yeah. I heard you...excuse me - that was just a minor psychotic break.

Now, part of me wants to give dumbass a break because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what I'm going through.

And the other part of me?

I wanted to strangle her for being so damn ignorant.

Bringing your new kid to work is something I've never really understood.

I mean, is it just a reason to say "Look at me and what I accomplished"?!

Because I seriously don't give a damn about what people think of me or what I do outside of work.

They are co-workers, not my friends. I don't need their approval and I certainly don't want them manhandling my kid.

I've seen what those people do in the break room.

Adios Dr. Ass

I saw my new endocrinologist on Thursday and what a difference!

She took one look at my results from Monday's tests and said "You aren't on the right dosage - we need to up you".

Both my RE and my new doctor (Dr. R) said they wanted my TSH to be around 1.0 and Dr. Ass was keeping me around 4.2. So, we're upping my Synthroid to 75 mcg but I'm only going to take it 6 days per week - giving me about 67.5 mcg per week.

Dr. Ass finally called me on Wednesday with the results of the bloodwork. I had already given up on her and actually called the Radiology place and got my own copy of the sonogram.

Good news - the nodules haven't changed significantly but Dr. R. said we need to continue to keep a watch on them. If there is any change, I'll have to get another biopsy to make sure they haven't turned malignant.

Dr. R is also friends with my RE so I'm taking that as a sign. I have some peace of mind knowing that there will be consistency and communication on both sides of my treatment.

So, we're still on track for IVF #2 to start in February; assuming we can get my TSH regulated and maintained.

100th Post

To celebrate my 100th post, I decided to give myself a makeover. Whaddya think?

I don't really have anything new to report. I had my thyroid sonogram done yesterday and I'm still waiting for Dr. Ass to call me with the results.

I'm so glad she feels the sense of urgency here.

I'm looking forward to my appointment with the "2nd opinion" doctor and I'm trying to be a good little patient.

I sat down tonight and made 2 lists. One of my IVF cycles and the medications that I took and for how long. And another list that provides a timeline.

A journey of my thyroid, if you will.

I started to create a video complete with music but I thought that might be overdoing it.

I'm debating on whether I should provide details on my eating habits since Dr. Ass seemed so concern.

And, I still feel like I need to prove that I don't eat entire logs of fiber each day.

I guess I'll skip it for now but I could get pretty darn creative if I had to outline my diet!

Getting Caught Up

I apologize to all of my fellow bloggers. I have not been a very good blog buddy.

I've been reading but I haven't been commenting much. Not really any reason in particular - I just couldn't think of anything to say that didn't seem cliche or uncaring.

There hasn't been much happening with me. DH and I met with my RE a few weeks ago to discuss our next options. She is still very optimistic that we'll have a successful cycle. So, for now, we're shooting for January/February time frame.

I also had another check-up with my regular endocrinologist. I think I've probably mentioned (several times?) that I have an underactive thyroid. Dr. P was basically a pain in the ass from the beginning but my last appointment pretty much confirmed it. She is now affectionately known as Dr. Ass.

My RE checked my levels back in July and it was pretty much the same from when I was released to begin IVF. Apparently, Dr. Ass doesn't take too kindly to other doctors stepping on her turf.

She started lecturing me about how I wasn't taking my medication properly because my TSH should've continued to drop; not remain the same.

And, then she started giving me the 3rd degree on my eating habits. She decides to tell me one year later that dietary fiber can affect absorption.

I might have an occasional bowl of cereal for breakfast but I'm certainly not chowing down on entire logs of fiber so I fail to see how that is affecting anything.

So, anyway. This time last year, they found a nodule on my thyroid gland. I have to have another sonogram to see if it's gotten bigger, smaller or remained the same. If it's gotten bigger, Dr. Ass said I'll need surgery to remove the entire thyroid gland.

Not a fun surgery and certainly not the look I'm going for when wearing v-neck sweaters. I'll look like Frankenstein with a huge scar across my neck.

It would also delay our next cycle because we'd have to get the replacement hormones figured out and regulated before I could start again.

Thinking about Dr. Ass performing any type of surgery on me freaks the hell out of me so I scheduled an appointment with another doctor. I see her on Thursday. We'll see what her opinion is.

Introducing The "Best" Award!

Since I started my blog, I find myself looking forward to reading certain blogs based on that person's personality, thoughts, motivation, etc.

So, it occurred to me.

I know! (you have to picture Elaine Benes from "Seinfeld" when you read that because I so totally do that).

Things actually occur to me!

Anyway, it occurred to me, "Why not start an award that's similar to "Senior Superlatives" that we used to see in our yearbooks.

You remember.

When you got to vote for "Most Popular" or "Most Likely To Have 50 Kids" or my personal favorite "Most Likely To Catch an STD Before Turning 25"

Oh, you didn't have that one in your yearbook?

OK. Forget I mentioned that one.

Hopefully, you guys will think this is as fun as I do.

So, play along. Won't you?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The "Best" Award



Here's how it works: Copy and paste this to your blog and fill in your votes for each category. Make sure you let your votes know they have been chosen so they can repeat the process on their blog.

Most Popular - Jen at "Maybe If You Just Relax"

Best Sense of Humor - Brenda at "No Regrets"

Most Likely To Succeed (pregnancy or adoption)- Wendy at "Our Story"

Best Looking Couple - Tiffany at "Our Slow Journey to Parenthood"

Cutest Pet - Kathy at "Busted Babymaker"

Best Smile - Jill at "Desperately Seeking Spawn"

Most Positive Attitude - Pink-CJ at "Pink's Life"

Most Supportive - Anna (anonymous)

Reason #1

And the #1 reason why AF is one week late?

I didn't ovulate.

My nurse said it's not uncommon after a frozen cycle.

So, I'll be hopping on the Provera train tomorrow.

Toot Toot!

Top 5 Reasons

The Top 5 Reasons that AF is a week late:

#5 - She skipped town with Uncle Joe and they are currently driving the countryside in an RV

#4 - She's crotchety and would rather spend time with her cats


#3 - I'm pregnant?! Bah ha ha! That's a good one!

#2 - She's busy knitting me a sweater for Christmas

And the Number 1 reason is....

I have no frickin' idea!

I'm going in for blood work tomorrow morning.

I'm guessing either a) I didn't ovulate or b) my estrogen levels are screwed up.

Neither of which makes sense because I've always been on-time.

So, all I can say at this point is "What the F"?

Follow-Up Consultation and Other Stuff

We had our follow-up consultation with Dr. B today. It went as expected.

We sat down and the first thing she said was "I know it feels like we've done a lot but we haven't so, don't give up".

She still feels very confident that we'll have a successful cycle.

She mentioned our "beautiful embryos" at least 4 times!

Assuming my whole medical insurance scam works out (i.e. switching coverage), I'll start the bcp in January with all of the fun happening in February.

She asked when my last period was.

Oh, that.

Curious you should ask.

I'm actually 4 days late.

Before you go getting all excited and stuff, I took a test last night and it was negative.

I am a little confused though.

I pride myself on being super duper on-time.

I'm a little like the Soup Nazi, actually.

The last time I was 4 days late, I was pregnant with the ectopic.

She said to give it a few more days and then she'd run some blood work.

Hopefully ole AF just missed her train and will be rolling into the station any minute now.

I'll keep you posted.

Nothing Left To Do But Plan My Next Meal

I know, I know.

I'm a loser.

I have a failed cycle and I disappear.

I have been lurking and reading everyone's blogs but I haven't had anything to say so I don't.

Frankly, I'm in a weird place.

Many people are starting to talk about the upcoming holidays and how much they are dreading the utter disregard for our situation.

Trust me, I know.

I am anticipating at least 4 holiday cards with babies on them.

Will I keep them?

Absolutely!

For about 30 seconds... and then they are going right in the trash.

No disrespect to the senders. I'm sure they think most people will appreciate the sentiment.

I just don't have any place for them.

So, instead, I am focusing on Thanksgiving dinner!

Yes, that's right! I can't have a baby but I sure as hell can look like I'm about to!

Seriously, Thanksgiving is my favorite! I love to cook so it's like the SuperBowl of Food for me.

I sit for hours looking through cookbooks and searching on-line for any new recipe to try.

Call me weird but a new recipe is like good sex to me.

Uh huh. That's right. I said it.

So, you're probably thinking right about now, "What's the point, weird girl"?

I guess my point is this. Focus on the good things about the holidays: family, catching up with old friends, taking time for yourself, finishing that project you started (making a baby is excluded, by the way!), doing the things that you enjoy.

Or, did enjoy before your life was turned upside down by infertility.

We were people before all of this started. Fun people.

Having a baby is only part of my life. I don't want to lose the other parts of me.

So, eat an extra slice of pumpkin pie, have a second glass of wine and enjoy yourself.

You have my permission.

There's Still Hope

I got some good news today.

Yes, for once.... I got good news.

Today started the Benefits Open Enrollment period at my company and I got to check out some other health plans.

I noticed that another plan also offers Fertility Coverage now so I called the financial counselor at my clinic to see if she anticipated any potential problems if I switched my coverage.

Because, with my luck, MY infertility would be deemed a "pre-existing condition" and the coverage would be denied.

"I'm sorry, Suzanne. We don't insure uterus' with cobwebs".

Hmmmm, that's a strange one.

What is the plural of uterus? Uteri? Utereeses?

Anyway, she called the "insurance expert" at their main office to double check and the general concensus is that as long as I don't have a lapse in coverage, I should be fine.

So, I can switch my health insurance to Blue Cross Blue Shield and get the same exact coverage that I had with my plan now.

That's another $20,000!!!

I am simply beside myself.

My new coverage will kick in 1/01/09 so we're back on track!

Isn't it funny how some things work out?

Oh, and I almost forgot! Is this a sign?

The name of the "insurance expert" at the main office was Suzanne Gxxxx - my maiden name!!!!

How freaky is that?!

Aw, shucks....

Jill from Desperately Seeking Spawn has given me the "I Heart Your Blog" award. Jill has truly been an inspiration to me. She is one of the first blogs that I started reading and I love her sense of humor and truthfulness.

Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brownish-blond
4. Your mother? Strong
5. Your father? Dead
6. Your favorite thing? Beach
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. The room you're in? Office
10. Your hobby? Cooking
11. Your fear? Childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Rich
13. Where were you last night? Friends
14. What you're not? Mother
15. One of your wish list items? Children
16. Where you grew up? Virginia
17. The last thing you did? Painted
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your T.V.? Off
20. Your pet? Three
21. Your computer? Laptop
22. Your mood? Balanced
23. Missing someone? Grandparents
24. Your car? Ford
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Pottery Barn
27. Your Summer? Long
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? 15th

Now, I'd like to pass this award to the following bloggers. I recently started following their blogs and was immediately drawn in:

Tiffany at Our Slow Journey to Parenthood

Erin at Pieces of Me

Andrea at Pre-Heated Oven: Where Is My Bun?

Leah at The Cole Family Journal

The following have already received the award from one or more bloggers but I just have to do it again. They are my constant source of strength, support and inspiration.

Brenda at No Regrets

Wendy at Our Story

Kathy at Busted Babymaker

Am I Willing To Gamble? Part II

Thanks to everyone who provided their advice.

Just a few areas that I wanted to clarify...

Anna had asked if IUI was a possibility. Unfortunately, it is not for me. As a result of the ectopic pregnancy last year, my left tube had to be removed. My right tube is partially blocked and I have about a 50% chance of having another ectopic if I were to conceive "naturally" (this would include IUI).

So, I am left with only 2 options - IVF or adoption.

When we started down the proverbial infertility road, DH and I discussed our options and decided that we wanted a biological child.

We chose the IVF route and at this point, that's the road that we'll stay on - no matter where it takes us.

While I'm not against adoption, I'm not sure it's right for us, right now. I feel like we're already so invested in IVF that I don't want to backtrack and start down a new path.

So, I guess the real decision becomes the length of time and money that we want to invest in IVF.

Leah asked about getting a 2nd opinion. To be honest, I haven't really given that a lot of thought yet. I'm not ready to give up on the clinic or my doctor because I still think they are doing the best they can for me.

Realistically, I've only had one fresh IVF cycle and with the exception of the end result, it was a good cycle.

My FSH levels weren't wacky, I stimmed well, had a good retrieval and ended up with almost 50% of my embryos getting to blast stage.

I really only count the frozen cycle as a 1/2 cycle. Partly because we didn't have to "make" new embryos and partly because the success rate was only 30% for my age range.

Erin - I really liked your comment about which would be more painful - buying treatments that might fail or buying 2 more opportunities.

If I were to answer that question, my answer would be that I'd want to buy 2 more opportunities. I think I would always wonder "what if" if we didn't try again.

Hmmmm....

I guess I just answered my own question, didn't I?

So, the bottom line is that we'll wait to see what my RE has to say at my next appointment.

Am I Willing To Gamble?

My "post cycle" follow up appointment with Dr. B is November 18th.

I have to say that at this moment, I'm fairly complacent about the whole thing.

An "Eh" (shrug shoulders) attitude, if you will.

I don't think she'll provide any earth-shattering revelations and I'm fully expecting the same response that I got last time.

"Sometimes it takes a few tries".

Well, that would be great if my father was Donald Trump.

So, I'm at a cross roads.

I don't feel like I'm ready to quit yet. That's a good sign.

What I'm having a hard time dealing with is the very real possibility of failing again.

I have 2 major obstacles...

1) My clinic has a Shared Risk program. Qualified patients pay one flat rate and receive up to 6 cycles. Unfortunately, I no longer qualify because the patient has to be able to complete all 6 cycles before her 39th birthday.

Guess who turns 39 in April?

2) I mentioned before that my insurance is tapped out which means we'd have to take out a loan. If we took out $25,000, that would give us one more fresh cycle and god willing, another frozen. Sounds promising?

What if those 2 cycles don't work?

We're stuck paying the loan back with nothing to show for it.

That's a bitter pill to swallow. The sting and anger after writing that check each month would be unbearable.

So, that leaves me in quite a pickle.

Do I gamble?

Do we take our chances that it will work on what we know would be our last one, possibly 2, chances?

I need some advice. What would you do?

A Few of My Hobbies

Since I don't have anything IVF-related to share, I thought I'd share some of my hobbies.

I've mentioned before that I like to decorate and I'm admitting it for the first time here...

My name is Suzanne and I'm a Pottery Barn-aholic.

Fall is my favorite time of year and as soon as it starts getting cold outside, I love to whip out my autumn decorations and then I run around like a crazy lady.

So, here are a few photos of my decorating...

Living Room / mantle



Close-Up of Mantle



For those of you familiar with Pottery Barn, they had a really cool frame with black/white photos and keys in their catalog about 2 years ago. I refused to pay $180 for it, so I made my own...



And, lastly.

I mentioned that I would be painting my bathroom this week while I was off. I started at 9:30 this morning and I just finished enough that I could take a break.

Before

It's hard to see but the stripes were done with paint.

Lots of tape and paint.





After






I can't believe what a huge difference it made!

And, with that....

Kisa and I say "Good night"!

(I just took this while I was typing)

Healing

It's been almost a week since my last post and to be honest, I've been staying away from my blog because I just don't have much to write about.

I feel like I am starting to heal from the bitterness and pain that I felt after hearing the beta results.

So, here's what been happening over the past week. Hold on your hats, it's not very exciting...

We celebrated our 4-year wedding anniversary. We've actually been together almost 20 years so the wedding anniversary doesn't seem very monumental. We went to Ruths Chris for dinner and shared a bottle of wine. That was actually before I got the beta results so I was fairly certain of the result at that point.

I've been throwing myself into work. My job is very cyclical and thankfully, this past week was one of the busy ones. It helped me take my mind off things - atleast until I get home.

I put away all of my ivf medications and wiped anything ivf-related off my calendar. I'm operating off one basic assumption - out of sight, out of mind.

I still had 14 vacation days left so I decided to take this week off. I plan to re-paint and re-decorate my bathroom.

Yesterday, my husband and I took a day trip out to our college campus of West Virginia University. It's about 3 hours from our house and always a beautiful drive through the mountains during the fall.

It was a nice getaway. We got on the road by 8:00 am and arrived in Morgantown by 11. Walked around campus, bought some new sweatshirts, had lunch at one of the restaurants we used to go to and got back on the road around 2:30.

It happened to be Fall Family Weekend so there were lots of parents in town. I was at the cash register buying our shirts and the cashier asked if I had my Parents ID.

Of course, my husband thought that was the funniest thing EVER. Here we were thinking we were going to "blend in" to campus because we don't think we're that old and it turns out we look more like the parents visiting.

There is one thing that surprised both of us. The campus seemed so much smaller to us. It's not a huge campus anyway but everything just seemed small - the student union building, the town, even the restaurant.

It was weird.

I also decided to move forward with our "annual" Halloween party. We started throwing a party about 5 years ago and it just turned into an annual thing, except for last year.

The ectopic had just happened a few weeks before and I didn't know at the time, but I was heading toward emergency surgery that same weekend.

So, we're doing it this year. And, now, I'm kind of excited that I can atleast drink.

I pulled out the costumes that I bought last year and never wore so we'll see how it goes.

I'm going to be a cave woman and my DH is going to be The Hamburgular.

I don't know... he has a thing for McDonald's.

If the pictures are "post-able", I'll share a few afterwards.

I guess that's about it.

Are you still awake?!

The Last 24 Hours...

The following depicts true events of the last 24 hours…

Monday


4:30 – 6:00 pm – Got home from work and decided to re-arrange my home office because I needed to have control over something

6:00 – 7:30 pm – Made chicken flautas and Mexican rice for dinner. Yummy!

7:30 – 8:00 pm – Finish dinner dishes

8:00 pm - Decided to get my mind off things by watching TV. Land on Discovery Health channel and a show called “Medical ER”

8:05 pm – Commercial break. One ad about diapers.

8:08 pm – Show returns

8:15 pm – Commercial break. Another diaper ad AND a pregnancy test ad thrown in for good measure

8:18 pm – Show returns

8:30 pm – Commercial break. This time Brooke Shields shows up and tries to hock Volvos by using babies as a marketing tool. F* YOU!

8:33 pm – Show returns

8:50 pm – Commercial break. The diapers are back.

8:53 pm – Show returns

8:57 pm – Commercial break. Wanna guess? Yep, another pregnancy test.

Alright, assholes! You want an idea for a pregnancy test ad? Here's one for ya!

How about if you feature a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for the last 8 years? You show her going to the drugstore daily to buy pregnancy tests in the hopes that this time, it might, just might be positive.

And the end of the ad? It shows said woman sitting in the bathroom crying because she got another f'ing negative.

And do you know what your slogan could be?

Do ya?

How about "Brand X. The official pregnancy test of infertile women".

9:00 pm – Decide to watch “Dr. G Medical Examiner” on the same channel

9:10 pm – Commercial break. Diapers again.

9:13 pm – Show returns

9:30 pm – Commercial break. Hey! It’s a new ad – no wait, it has a baby in it.

9:33 pm – Show returns

9:47 pm – Commercial break. Any guesses? Yep, Brooke Shields is at it again.

9:56 pm – Show ends and I go to bed where I cry myself to sleep

Note to self: Apparently soon-to-be and existing mothers love shows about weird illnesses, afflictions and autopsies because the advertisers were all over their asses.

Lesson learned? Discovery Health not infertile-friendly.


Tuesday

8:25 am – Driving to work and see 2 women pushing strollers with their oh-so-cute babies inside.

8:35 am – Arrive at work and ride up elevator with pregnant lady

11:15 am – Speak with client on phone and make small talk. She tells me she’s 7 months pregnant with twins.

I did manage to make it home from work without seeing anything baby-related so I'm hoping the last 24 hours of baby sightings was something like seeing locusts. It only happens every 7 years.

Because, seriously.

How many times can one person be exposed to THAT many baby-related things in the 24-hour period after receiving a negative beta?

Oh. I guess the answer would be TWELVE times!

Either I'm being punked or someone is trying really, really hard to get me to lose my freakin' mind.

Well, to whoever you are....

I'm throwing up the white flag. I give up. You win.

Strike Two

Beta was negative.

Tapped Out

I'm tapped out. Emotionally, physically and financially.

Emotionally
I'm prepared for the negative beta on Monday - it won't be easy to hear but at least I'm prepared to hear it.

It's not that I was convinced this cycle would work because I really did look at it as a freebie (meaning we didn't have to make new embryos).

What I'm trying to deal with is the frustration. After my first cycle, my RE told me she feels confident we'll get there. With the exception of the end result, it was a perfect cycle.

With this cycle, there were problems with my lining thickness but in the end, they decided it looked good enough to proceed. The doctor performing the transfer even said it looked good.

So, what the fuck?

The other thing that I can't get past is that I feel like we wasted 4 perfectly good embryos. If we put them in someone else, would they have lived?

I tried to make a "joke" with my husband and I don't know how it will come across but I'll share.

When I came home from college, I decided I wanted to give fish a try. I bought a tank and got it all set up. I managed to kill 6 fish in one weekend.

So, the "joke" was that I'm just as good at killing embryos.

I'm beginning to wonder if the ectopic is going to be my only experience with pregnancy.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm a fighter but I'm also not stupid. How many more times am I willing to subject myself to this frustration, disappointment and sadness?

Physically
There isn't one square inch on my ass that doesn't have a lump or bruise. The shots are downright painful now and on the nights that I have to do two shots, it takes everything I have in me to get up to prepare them.

I decided to stop the Estrace pills. I'm tired of having blue crap in my underwear everyday and really, is it serving a purpose at this point?

We did the PIO shot last night and we're supposed to do the DelEstrogen and PIO tonight. We'll probably still do them because I still have a teeny, tiny shred of hope but deep down, I know it's a waste of time.

The one thing I haven't mentioned - and this really is my shred of hope - is that I had some pretty significant cramping on Wednesday.

I've had some mild cramps off and on since transfer and that was pretty consistent with the last transfer. But, Wednesday's was different.

I was driving to work and it was one of those cramps when you think "Oh shit, I just got my period" and you grab a tampon and go running for the bathroom. It was deep and pretty intense - I even had some lower back pain.

It happened again that afternoon and then that was it. I haven't had it since.

That would've been 8dpt and almost a week after implantation was supposed to occur so I think the chances of it really being something is pretty slim.

But, it was also significant enough that I can't ignore it. What the hell was it?

The only other thing is that my boobs seem to be getting more sore as the days pass. They've been sore since I started the shots so that's nothing new but now they hurt when I lay on my stomach at night.

Again, just something I've noticed.

I'm sure it's more likely to be the PIO shots that have now taken over my body or impending AF so I'm not really putting much into it.

After all, the HPT doesn't lie. Not at 10dpt.

Financially
I'm willing to do another fresh cycle - the problem is money. I've pretty much exhausted the insurance coverage that I had. Which, by the way, was a whopping $20,000 per lifetime. Thanks for throwing me some crumbs.

Between Kaly's vet bills and some expenses we had earlier this year, our savings is down to fumes. We already have an equity line of credit from some home renovations we did a few years ago and I really don't want to pull any more from that with the market the way it is right now.

So, where does that leave us?

My husband wants to take the rest of the year off and look at our options in January. That sounds great, except for one thing.

I turn 39 in April.

The clock ticking is getting louder and louder each day.

I think I'm probably one of the oldest women on the blogs that I've been reading and I really feel like my time is running out.

If I wasn't able to get pregnant at 38, it sure as hell isn't going to get easier at 39 or 40.

As far as I know, the quality of my eggs is still OK - I guess? We had a decent number of 16 eggs at ER with 11 fertilized and a total of 5 blasts.

But, that certainly isn't going to improve over time.

At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking this may be the end of the road for us.

We had 2 shots at it and failed miserably.

Lastly, I wanted to thank you guys for your sentiments. I didn't mean to be short in my last post - I was just so frustrated.

I'll let you know the official word on Monday.

10dp5dt

Can you hear that?

It's the Fat Lady Singing.

Just got another BFN.

Please don't try to offer words of encouragement or tell me to wait until the beta. We all know something should be showing up by now.

This sucks. I suck. Life just sucks in general.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today started like any other
I woke up, brushed my teeth and got dressed
We were married 3 years prior
And I was trying to look my best.

I bought a pregnancy test to humor my husband
Who thought it might be true
"It will be negative", I thought to myself.
I just knew.

So, I spent the twenty dollars
And came home in a huff
I peed on the stick and left the room
"There," I thought, "I'll call your bluff."

I returned a few minutes later
And couldn't believe my eyes
What? Could it possibly be?
TWO pink lines?

I started crying and called my sister
"You aren't going to believe this", I said.
"I took a test and I'm pregnant"
Holy crap! We have 2 babies ahead?

For my sister was pregnant also
She found out 3 weeks before
We laughed and joked about it
My mom would have 2 grandbabies to adore!

After a short ten days
I was in the emergency room
Waiting to hear the news
I knew it was over. My husband said, "Don't assume"

"Your pregnancy is ectopic"
The doctor said with concern
"You will not have the baby
"For which you so badly yearn"

It's been a long road
The last 365 days
We continue on our journey for a baby
While the doctors continue to amaze

We still have lots of options
And for that, I feel blessed
We will have a baby one day
We will stay true to our quest

They say things happen for a reason
And sometimes all we can do is pray
I will never forget what could've been
One year ago today.

I Cheated

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

I cheated and took a test this morning. I woke up around 3:30 am and felt like I was going to throw up. It passed and I fell back to sleep but weird, nonetheless.

So, I woke up and took the test.

No surprises here.

BFN.

Today was 7dp5dt and I'm at a cross roads.

It's that middle ground where it's a little too early to test and a little too late to not be seeing a positive.

Of course, I promptly referred to my old pal Google and I found several sites that seemed more credible than the average message boards.

At least I guess they were.

The people answering the questions had the letters MD after their names so one would assume they are more credible than someone named Tummy or Blue Angel.

Anyway, the general concensus seemed to be that a sensitive urine test would pick up hcg around 14-16 dpo (or 10-12dpt).

I used a First Response Early Detection. Thought that was the most sensitive on the market?

I also read that FET transfers seem to take longer to implant.

In the end, I don't think anyone really knows.

I won't take another test until Friday. That would be 10dpt. My beta is Monday.

It doesn't matter how many times you do this.

It sucks every time.

Kaly Update & Other Stuff

A few of you have asked about my sweet Kaly bear.

We had another check up tonight and the good news is continuing! Her creatinine and BUN levels are continuing to drop. Creatinine was down to 2.7 and BUN was down to 29. She's almost normal! We're just going to continue the treatment for another week - because why mess with what's working?

Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers for my little doggy.

Not really any other news to report. I've realized over the last 4 days that I definitely have a different perspective with this transfer.

When we started the cycle, I sort of thought of it like a freebie. We had 3 embryos left and we had to do something with them so why not give it a shot? It was still covered by my insurance and it was less stress with minimal medications (really?).

I keep another journal where I share my more personal feelings and I was reading back on the last (my first) cycle. I was like this little innocent girl who was so convinced it was going to work.

And, well, OK. I also got a little addicted to HPTs.

But, let's not dwell on that.

I mean, we put back 2 perfect blastocysts and
my uterus looked good. Why wouldn't it work?

Duh!

And then, I still had the ectopic in my head. I had JUST gotten pregnant for crying out loud so of course it would work!

Double Duh!

It's no wonder I was so upset.

With this cycle, I entered it thinking that it wouldn't work. I guess I'd rather be surprised than disappointed.

Plus, the success rate on a frozen cycle is about 10% less than a fresh.

Am I still anxious to find out the result?

ABSOLUTELY!

Am I going to be devastated if it's negative?

No, I don't think I will be.

All I can think of is the Doritos slogan.

"We'll make more".

I've already decided that we'd go right into another fresh cycle.

At work this week, I took something called a StrengthsFinder test. It identified my Top 5 strengths so I can continue to leverage them in my personal and work life.

One of my strengths was Self-Assurance. It means I make decisions with no regrets and always feel confident in my decisions. It also means I don't get knocked down easily.

And, I think that's true.

I'm a fighter and I don't react well to "No".

We'll keep trying until we run out of money or the doctor says she can't help us anymore.

And, in my best Forrest Gump impression...

"That's all I have to say about that".

Transfer

The transfer went fine today. We ended up putting 2 back. All 3 made it out of thaw but the one didn't have enough live cells to make it worthwhile.

Of the 2 we put back, one had 90% live cells and the other had 80%. That didn't sound too great to me but the doctor said it's really good so I'll take his word for it.

Beta is scheduled for October 13th.

Back to bedrest.

All Set for Transfer

Just received a call from my clinic.

I have to be at the clinic by 12:15 for transfer at 12:45 on Tuesday.

I'm still extremely worried that the embryos won't make it out of thaw and asked if they would call me if something happened. She said the chances of all 3 not making it are very slim and each has a 85% chance of making it.

That's makes me feel better.

I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic with all of this. I know the success rates with frozen transfers are lower than with fresh. But, are we offsetting the decreased statistic by putting 3 back?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Oh! Don't mind the change in the way my blog looks. I just get bored. I re-arrange the furniture in my house just as often!

Updates

Just a few updates...

Kaly is continuing to improve. Her levels dropped again last night to 3.4. Still not normal but at least it's heading in the right direction. We're going to continue on our course of treatment for another week and then check her again. The vet hinted last night that he thinks this was all caused by an infection.

That's pretty scary when you think about it. She was probably a week or so away from dying had she not received treatment.

I also had my 2nd lining check this morning and I was at 7.2 mm. My RE is letting me move forward because the lining looks so good, regardless of the thickness.

So, transfer is scheduled for sometime Tuesday, 9/30. They thaw the embryos the morning of so I'm assuming it will be in the afternoon.

Of course, I wouldn't be my usual worrisome self if I didn't worry about how many will make it out of thaw. I'm praying all 3 will be ready to go.

Superstar!

I talked to my nurse coordinator today.

I'm going back on Thursday for another lining check.

She also said she spoke with my RE and that Dr. B was very impressed with my triple lining.

Apparently, I'm a SUPERSTAR when it comes to layers!



So, my nurse said she thought Dr. B. would probably let me move forward with the transfer, even if I don't get to 7.5 mm.

I'll keep you posted after my appointment on Thursday!

Lining Check and Other Updates

I have good news and so-so news.

First, Kaly is continuing to improve. She was home with us Thursday and Friday and only getting subcutaneous fluid shots. We checked her levels again Saturday morning and her creatinine dropped again to 3.7.

That was awesome news! She's not in the normal range yet (high end is 1.4), but good news nonetheless.

Her phosphorus and BUN are also close to or within normal range. She has another check-up on Wednesday and we'll see if she is continuing to maintain her levels.

I also had my lining check this morning and it was OK.

Not great. Just OK.

I'm at 7.0 right now. My clinic requires a minimum of 7.5 - 8.0mm to continue with the FET so I'm almost there, but not quite.

I guess a bright spot is that I'm triple lined.

Whatever the hell that means?!

So, they are giving me 4 more days to prove myself and then we'll see where we are.

What's killing me is that the FET cycle was supposed to be SO much easier than a fresh cycle.

What if I get cancelled again? I don't know where that leaves us. I hate the thought of having 3 perfectly good embryos waiting for me and I can't even get my stupid uterus ready.

I can create new embryos perfectly fine but I can't use the ones that already exist?

How messed up is that?

Update on Kaly

We got some good news tonight.

Kaly's creatinine level dropped from 7.3 to 5.3. While it's still not in the normal range, the vet said he'll take it. Her blood cell count is normal, she's eating and she looks good.

So, she gets to stay home with us and receive subcutaneous fluids 2x/day and then we'll take her back on Saturday to check her levels again.

Who knew that my IVF shot experience would help keep my dog alive?

While we aren't out of the woods yet, if we can keep her levels maintained, she might be OK for a little while longer (maybe weeks, maybe months).

For now, I get to keep my Kaly Bear.

Things That Suck

In keeping with my "Things That" theme, I thought I'd share what's been happening since Saturday.

As you may know, we have 2 dogs and a cat. They are all considered "senior" at 9 and 10 years old.

Kaly, our female Akita, is my sweet little bear.



She was diagnosed with Cushing's Disease about 2 years ago and we knew the lifespan after diagnosis was approximately 2-3 years.

For the most part, she's been doing great. I noticed she was a little lethargic and sporadically vomiting ever since we picked them up from the kennel after vacation. She was treated for giardia (a common worm) about 2 months ago and the symptoms seemed to be mimicking that again so I totally expected to take her in, get some medicine and she'd be good as new.

The vet, Dr. B., didn't seem to suspect anything - thought it might be gastroenteritis but took some blood "just to see if anything was going on".

On Saturday, we got a call from Dr. V. saying the protein levels in her blood were "alarmingly high" and she requested we bring Kaly in STAT.

We're still trying to figure out exactly what is going on but it's looking more and more like Kaly has kidney failure.

We've been doing fluid therapy for the last 2 days during the day and we get to bring her home at night and she does seem to be responding but we know we have to face the reality. She can't function without her kidneys.

The last 2 days have truly sucked. For those of you who have pets, I'm sure you completely understand. My DH and I are prepared for the worst and the decision that we'll most likely have to make.

We've already spent close to $1500 and if we were rich, I'd say "Do whatever you have to". Unfortunately, we're not and finances do come into play.

So, for now, we're continuing with the fluid therapy and we'll see where we are on Friday. If we can get her levels down to where she is stable, the concern becomes whether she has enough function to maintain her blood levels.

With all of this going on, the FET cycle has sort of moved to second stage. I'm still doing my shots and taking my pills. My first lining check isn't until 9/20 so I don't have any news anyway.

Things That Are Blue...

Let's play a game.

Think of 5 things that are blue.

Done?

OK, you probably thought of things like:

- the sky
- blueberries
- the ocean
- jeans
- flowers

You may have even gotten creative and thought about The Blues Brothers or Blues music.

But, I bet you didn't think of one thing!

My nether-region.

Oh yeah.

That's right.

6 Estrace pills vaginally = blue coochie!

I figure I won't have to worry about my Halloween costume this year.

I'll just go as one of two people.

Smurfette:


or

Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka:



It'll be great!

Round Two

We officially kick off FET Cycle #2 tonight. Here's my protocol:

- 0.2 ml Delestrogen, intramuscularly, every 3rd night
- Estrace tablets, vaginally, 1 in morning and 1 at night
- Baby Aspirin, one per morning

First lining check - Sunday, September 21
Estimated transfer - Thursday, September 25

I have mixed feelings about this cycle. I'm actually feeling rather blase' about the whole thing. A symptom of 2 prior disappointments? Probably.

I just don't think I'll allow myself to get excited about this one until I pass my first lining check on the 21st.

I do have one coincidence that I wanted to share. It's a little freaky and might quite possibly prove that things do come back around.

Last year: Had AF for my sister's b-day party
This year: Had AF for my sister's b-day party

Last year: Got pregnant September 16th
This year: Estimated transfer September 25th

Last year: BFP on October 8th
This year: Pregnancy test October 9th?

I can't believe it's been a year since all of that happened. I can remember sitting in bed after the surgery and thinking that we'd do IVF and I'd be pregnant again by April, 2008.

Foolish, foolish girl.

Who knows? Maybe this cycle will be the one.

Crampy Crampy Bo-Bampy

Fee fi fo fampy... Crampy!

Yes, that's right folks! I have cramps from hell!

And, as far as I can tell, not a whole hell of a lot to show for it except some light spotting.

I don't know if today is Day One or not?

So, I'll hang out today, in the midst of Tropical Storm Hanna, and see what starts brewing.

Oh, and speaking of TS Hanna, so far all of the hype as been just that.

It's R-A-I-N-I-N-G people!!!!!

No scary, torrential downpour and there aren't any winds.... it's a nice, steady rain.

But, if you guys don't hear from me for a few days, call out the Coast Guard. Maybe I've floated away.

Do A Little Dance

I talked to my nurse coordinator yesterday and we're still waiting for good ole AF to arrive.

My next FET cycle won't officially start until then.

So, my hubby and I decided to do a little dance.

To one of my favorite songs, "Get Down Tonight" by KC & The Sunshine Band.

"Do A Little Dance, Make A Little Love... Get Down Tonight"

Maybe our fantastic dancing abilities will entice her to come.

Enjoy!

Back from Vacation

Hi there!

I'm back from vacation and it was so nice to get away. We had decent weather - only one real cloudy day.

I wish I could say it was also nice to not have to think about my upcoming FET cycle but I did... a lot.

I finished my Provera on Thursday and I'm still waiting on AF. My RE said it usually takes 4-5 days once you finish so I'm still within her time frame.

But, you guys know me. Yep, Short Bus.

I was also a little stressed when I got home because I expected my new protocol to be waiting for me, but it wasn't. With it being a holiday weekend, I was worried that if I did get my period, I wouldn't know what to do.

As usual, I did all of that worrying for nothing because nothing happened.

I don't really have anything else to report. Just wanted to check in.

Hola from OBX

Just checking in. We left for our beach vacation on Sunday so I'm trying to get in as much relaxation time as I can.

I'm still taking the Provera pills and should finish those on Thursday. I'm starting to get crampy and like AF is coming any minute. I'm REALLY hoping my doctor was right and we timed it for AF to come when I get back.

I brought enough tampons to handle a massacre so I'm prepared just in case BUT I was also stupid.

I'm relying on my RE being correct about Day One being Monday or Tuesday so I didn't bother packing my Del Estrogen shots or my Estrace pills.

If Day One happens to be while we're here - I'm screwed.

I didn't receive my new FET protocol before I left so hopefully it's waiting for me when I get home. I'm sure it's the same as the last one so I can pretty much figure it out on my own. I'm thinking estimated transfer will be somewhere around September 15th.

That's it for now!

Putting Things In Perspective

I just read a story that gave me one of those "slap in the face" feelings.

I can't get it out of my head.

A fellow blogger (The Tale of Two Coins)who has been TTC for over a year found out she's pregnant on August 9th. Her husband died unexpectedly this week. He was only 31.

When you hear something like that, it makes you evaluate your own life and relationships. For me, it sort of put things in perspective.

As hard as infertility has been, I know I still have alot to be thankful for:

* I don't have any major health problems
* I have a good job that provides food on my table and allows me to enjoy life
* I have a roof over my head
* I have a great husband who is my best friend
* I have a supportive and loving family
* I have the option to do infertility treatments
* I have the strength to move forward, even when things are tough
* I have the courage to face my fears of the unknown, regardless of the outcome

As important as having a baby is to me, my husband and my family are more important and I can't imagine what she must be going through.

How about you? What are you guys thankful for?

It's A New Day!

... with some good news!

I did some thinking last night and decided there was no sense in waiting for AF to come - I might as well just suck it up and push forward.

Beach or no beach.

So, I called my nurse coordinator today to make sure I understood my conversation with my RE yesterday.

I'm going to start on a 7-day Provera cycle this Friday and then I should get my period about 4 days after I finish the pills.

The pros?

I get to skip the birth control pills after AF which means I could start the next FET cycle as soon as September 2nd.

And, it sounds like AF may not get to come on vacation after all.

The cons?

I've never been on Provera so I'm not sure what to expect? Has anyone taken it? Am I going to be miserable next week?

Anyway, I am super excited that I can get started on the next cycle so soon.

Here's to Round #3!

Cancelled

I got cancelled this morning. My lining increased slightly but not enough.

My RE mentioned she suspects I may have gotten a bad batch of estrogen? That worries me a little. How often does THAT happen?

She was going to give me a shot of Provera today to induce my period but I didn't want it for the beach next week so we're going to wait until I get back.

If I happen to get it naturally while I'm gone, I'll have to start bc pills again for 3 weeks.

I thought I was prepared for the news this morning and I did OK while I was there.

And, then, I got to work and started bawling at my desk. I thought it was best if I worked from home the rest of the day. No one wants to deal with that.

Plus, I'm not a good crier. My eyes stay bloodshot for hours, although they do turn an awesome shade of blue. :)

I'm really beginning to wonder if this is ever going to work for me. I know we all go through this and I'll probably feel better tomorrow but it's so fucking unfair right now.

It makes the ectopic sting all that much more. I had it and would've had a kid by now. I know it's not good to think about the past and what could've been but how can I not?

It's also hard not to blame myself - even though I know it's just medicine and biology. I feel like I failed. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard - for all of us.

On the brightside, at least I get to drink at the beach.

D-Day

Tomorrow is D-Day. Or, should I say L-C (Lining Check) Day?

I find out if my lining has cooperated or if I get cancelled.

McGyver wasn't available for comment so I had to figure out the blue pills on my own.

I thought I came up with an ingenious plan. I got a yeast infection kit and used the applicator.

I got everything prepared, put the pill in the little cup and thought "I am so smart!"

Uh..... not so smart because it worked about as well as a boat with a hole.

I couldn't get the stupid pill to come out.

If my husband had walked in at that moment, I would have been horrified.

Seeing me all hunched over, shaking this applicator with my pants around my ankles.

Since I'm not a gymnast and didn't want to risk breaking my neck by standing on my head, I had to resort to.... well, you probably figured it out.

So, who knows if they're working? Or, if they're even where they should be?

Guess I'll find out tomorrow!

Pills for my coochie?

I called my RE this morning to make sure I had the right prescription.

I do.

But, I'm taking them in the wrong way.

I'm supposed to insert the pills vaginally.

Say Whhaaattttt?

It had to have been the funniest conversation to overhear.

Me: I picked up my prescription last night and it's pills. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't a mistake.

Nurse: No mistake. You need to take them vaginally.

Me: But, it's just a little blue pill.

Nurse: Yes, I know.

Me: And, I wasn't given any "tools".

Nurse: Yes, I know.

Me: I just want to clarify - this is the same prescription that I had for my IVF cycle and I took them orally. Now, you're saying they also double as coochie pills?


So, how in the hell am I supposed to get a little blue pill the size of baby asiprin "up there"?

I'd need hands as big as Kareem Abdul-Jabar's.

I know!

This sounds like a job for McGyver! If he can fashion a bomb out of mayonnaise and tampons, surely he can get a little blue pill in my who-ha!

Wish me luck.... I'm goin' in!

Crap

I had my appointment this morning and I'm at risk for cancellation. My lining is still around 6.0 - so basically, it's exactly the same as Monday. I'm just not responding to the shots for some reason.

My RE said there's one more thing we can try - estradiol vaginal suppositories 2 x/day. I'll probably start those tomorrow and then go back on Monday. I'm not sure how long she's willing to wait on those. If they don't work, I'll get cancelled and we'll have to start over.

Obviously, I'm disappointed but with infertility, I also know that anything can happen. On the brightside, the embryos will wait for me as long as they need to.

If anything significant is reported this afternoon with my blood work, I'll post again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have one last shot. Oh! Look at that! I make jokes when I don't even mean to.

One of the nurses just called. My RE is prescribing the vaginal cream and I can start on that tonight. My estrogen did increase from 279 on Monday to 391 today, but it's certainly not superstar status.

If my lining isn't thick enough on Monday, I'll get cancelled. The nurse said my dr. would prescribe Provera and then we'd just jump right back in again. I think Provera is used to induce AF? Anyone know?

So, worst case, I guess that only puts us behind a few weeks. Still diappointing because I'm not holding out much hope for the "miracle" cream but I guess you never know.

I think I'm more surprised than anything that I'm having problems with this. I thought FET would be a piece of cake and never expected to get cancelled.

It just goes to show that anything can happen and infertility continues to uphold its reputation of putting us through pure hell.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Last update today, I promise!

I just picked up my prescription and was pleasantly surprised to find Estrace pills. It's the same dosage I had for the IVF cycle and my lining seemed OK for that so maybe, just maybe, they'll work.

I'm not quite sure why I have them because I know my RE specifically asked if I remembered the little blue Estrace pills, I said "Yes, I still have some leftover" and then she said "Well, it's not the pills this time, we're going to do vaginal suppositories instead".

Maybe she reviewed my records and decided the pills were OK?

I'm still a little skeptical because I only have 3 days to prove myself. Can 7 little pills really make that much of a difference?

But, I am happy that I won't have to deal with any of that yucky, disgusting, white, thick, oooey, gooey, mess that would have been coming out of my nether region.

Can I get an amen for pills?

Curious New Symptom

I've started with a curious symptom over the last few days.

Some light brown spotting. It's nothing major but curious nonetheless. I didn't have any spotting during my entire IVF cycle. The only difference this time is the Del Estrogen shots.

So, I'm not sure what this means? Since my lining was still a little thin on Monday, I don't know if my estrogen levels are rising now and that's the cause? Rising levels are good 'cuz that equals thick lining.

I have my next monitoring appointment in the morning so I'll ask. I'm really hoping it doesn't mean my dosage is too low and that I'll get delayed again.

It's beginning to look like I have a seat permanently assigned on that short bus!

I like to sit in the back. This is Mr. Mitchell. He's nice.

Still Riding The Short Bus

I had my lining check this morning. I can't seem to get off the short bus. I'm always just a few days behind.

My lining is still "a little thin". I guess it's good that something about me is still thin.

My doctor wants me to wait a few days and come in again on Thursday. That means transfer is delayed until next Monday (assuming Thursday's appointment goes well).

I'm not really disappointed because I've come to accept my inability to respond normally to any of the drugs prescribed to me. What's a few more days, right?

I was also tagged by my friend Wendy.

1. Link to the person who tagged you

2. Post the rules to your blog

3. Write 6 random things about myself

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them

5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Here are 6 random things about myself:

* I was born in Fairbanks, Alaska. My dad was in the Air Force and was stationed at Ft. Wainwright. We left when I was 2 so I don't remember it at all but I do want to go back some day.

* I love to cook. I am constantly scouring magazines and websites for new recipes. Whenever I entertain, I always make sure I have a new recipe that I've never made before.

* I received an art scholarship when I was in the 9th grade. Do you remember those ads in magazines that said "Draw the pirate and receive a free evaluation of your talent?" Well, I did it. I never acted on the scholarship but I still like to draw. I recently painted a Winnie the Pooh mural for my sister's nursery.

* I love to decorate and do home improvements. When I was a little kid, I used to re-arrange my bedroom furniture all of the time and I still do. Five years ago, we gutted our kitchen and replaced everything. We did 85% of the work ourselves. I layed the ceramic tile floor all by myself. Now, the problem is, I've done almost everything we can possibly do to our house so I'm running out of projects.

* I am a little obsessive-compulsive. My husband teases me all of the time. I can't stand it if a picture is crooked or if there is a piece of lint on a newly vacuumed rug. He jokes that if the house was burning down, I'd stop to do the dishes first.

* I am a new hockey fan. We went to our first hockey game 3 years ago and I've absolutely fallen in love with the sport since.

OK, I tag:

Brenda, No Regrets

DC, One Pink Line

Jill, Desperately Seeking Spawn

Polly, In 2 See Me

Hope2morrow, It's Not The End Of The World

SAHW - "Just" A Stay At Home Wife

I Attended A Baby Shower and Lived To Tell About It.

I survived!

It was about what I expected. Everyone got there and we had the awkward mingling where everyone doesn't really know each other.

There's always that low buzz of conversation and then at exactly the same time, everyone stops talking and there's that awkward silence.

Why does that happen?! It's kind of freaky.

There were some side conversations of baby talk - basically on each side of me.

I can now tell you the exact measurements of every ice cube in my pink lemonade. I've never been so intent on the physical components of ice in my life!

And, of course, we had to play gay shower games.

Who in THE hell created the poopy diaper game?

It's bad enough thinking about what we might have to deal with when it's real, I don't want to stick my nose in a pretend poopy diaper and try to decipher if it's peanuts or nougat.

It's just gross.

After the gay games, we moved into gift opening time and that actually wasn't that bad. It can be quite educational, especially for those of us who don't have a clue about what babies need.

Then, my sister became my hero. She leaned over and asked if I was doing OK. And, then she said "Let's go after presents". I love her!

(Plus, I think she wanted to get home for her baby - who is already 9 weeks old!).

So, we were in and out in about 2 1/2 hours. That's my kind of party!

I'm Goin' In

I need to mentally prepare myself this morning.

I'm attending a baby shower this afternoon.

Do you remember "Mommy with Twins" that sat beside me at work? It's her.

I neglected to mention we are friends outside of work. Well, sort of.

She married a guy that was part of our "group", so she became a part of our group through default.

We don't hang out one-on-one on a regular basis and I don't really call her to do things - she's just part of the group. We're close enough to buy presents for each other (i.e. birthdays, Xmas) but not really good friends.

Now you guys probably think I'm horrible for talking about my friend so badly but she really was annoying at work!

I'm not quite sure what to expect today. She is the baby of the family, so I'm expecting lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of over the top gushing by her mother.

I suspect they will act like no one else in the world has the ability to procreate.

"Can you believe it's twins?!", "Look how big you are!", blah, blah, blah.

I'm willing to put in about 2-3 hours and then I'm bolting. I'm riding with my sister and told her if I give her "the look", we're outta there.

And, to be honest, I'm not really in the mood to play nicey nice if someone dares to ask me if I have children.

Click, click.... ka pow!

I might have to fire back.

"No, I don't. I've been trying to have a child of my own for the last 7 years. And, now I'm forced to inject my body with fake hormones in the hopes that I might, just might, be able to have a biological child. And, what other people can do for free? Well, it has cost me almost $15,000 to date. But, thanks so much for asking. Mmmmmkay?"

The thought of a bunch of women standing around a room talking about their children, grandchildren and new babies makes my stomach turn.

So, that means I'll be stuck either listening to all of their stories or co-mingling with the young, unmarried girls.

That should make for a good conversation - because I have so much in common with twenty-somethings.

"So, uh. What up, yo?"

And, if we have to play any of those damn, gay games, I'm going to throw up all over myself.

Hopefully they'll have good food.

A Little Privacy, Please

Well, Monday is my lining check appointment. I've done 3 Del Estrogen shots so far and my good friends, Super Big Boobies, are back. Welcome home!

I've tried to keep this FET cycle as low-key as I can but I keep getting bombarded with questions from people. I know they mean well and they are anxious just like we are but there is a certain level of inappropriateness to it.

If we weren't doing infertility treatments, would they be asking "So, did you do it last night?".

No, I don't think so!

I guess because there is some level of science involved, it makes it OK to ask about my uterus, and my husband's sperm and the thickness of my endometrium?

Yes, a little bit of privacy would also be nice.

(My uterus is shy after all).

I have limited the number of people we've told because I didn't want to deal with other people's disappointment if it doesn't work.

But I'm also not a good liar.

I can usually fib my way through one question but no! My friends and family were trained by the CIA and they fire back with 15 more questions.

So, I sit there, under the spotlight, in a dark, wet, room and I break.

Just like a little girly-man.

"OK.... OK! Stop the Chinese Water Torture! I'll tell you everything you need to know!".

God, I'm a wuss.

And, it's not good because I've realized that I will never get to live my life-long dream of becoming an international spy.

If the appointment goes well on Monday, I'm assuming my transfer will still be Friday, 8/15. They thaw the embryos the morning of so I won't know how many we have until we get there. We gambled and said to do all 3.

Hopefully they'll have the courtesy of calling if they all arrest?

Because I'd be super pissed if we drove all the way up there for nothing.

That would suck. Seriously.

If my uterus doesn't mind, I'll let you know how thick she is after my appointment.

Do You Believe In The Stars?

Are the heavens really able to tell our futures?

Up until a few months ago, I never really thought about it. I would check the Sunday paper and read my daily horoscope for kicks but that was about it. I'd go about my day and forget what I read 10 minutes before.

After my ectopic last year, and especially after the surgery, I was looking for any answer I could find.

Why did this happen?
Why did God allow me to get pregnant only to take it away?

Not only was I looking for answers to "Why", I was also looking for answers to the future. Would I ever get pregnant again? And, more importantly, when?

So, I started looking at my horoscopes in more detail. I would look at the whole month or year in review. I found two that I thought seemed more "credible" than others and found some pretty cool stuff.

But, before I divulge these spectacular revelations, I have one disclaimer.

I AM NOT A WHACK JOB!

I am usually a very cynical and distrusting person. After all, I am an Aries. I know, that explains alot, doesn't it?

OK, be ready to be amazed...

One site specifically mentioned I would have a major health event in October, 2007. Yeah, I think I pretty much got that one covered.

Both sites hinted at the following:

* A major career advancement would occur in June or July. I got a promotion.

* I would join some sort of networking or social group. At the time, I thought "What the hell does that mean?". Now, I know. It's you guys. I never had any intention of starting a blog until I stumbled on Wendy's in May and now I have the best support group anyone could ask for.

* Both sites also specifically mentioned that if I wanted to get pregnant, August would be the month. I guess it's convenient that we're doing a FET cycle, huh?

* One of the sites warned me about the health of my ankles this month. I might be stretching this but I did almost break my ankle on Sunday. We were doing some major pruning on a tree out front and I backed up and almost fell down the front stairs. I slightly twisted my ankle.

Perhaps it would have been useful had the horoscope told me when I'd get some physical coordination?

So, there you have it. Predictions or coincidence?

Houston.... We Have Lift-Off

Well, I found out what a premed appointment is this morning. They just did bloodwork and an ultrasound.

I'm not really quite sure what they were looking for but, whatever it was, I guess it was good.

I start my shots tonight. First shot is Del Estrogen every 3 nights.

I'll have a lining check on 8/11 and if all looks good, we'll throw the PIO shots in to the mix.

So, watch out buttocks! You're gonna get quite a workout over the next 3 weeks!

SplotchFest 2008

I'm happy to report that my damn Presentation Skills workshop is over. It's a good thing because I was about 1 exercise away from chucking the instructor out the window. Seriously.

I am also very happy to know that others share the same affliction as me - The Splotch.

Perhaps we should start our own support group?

But, we'd have to be careful because too much impromptu interaction between members could throw the entire group in to an ugly, splotchy, beet-red spiral. We'd basically just have to sit there and stare at each other in silence.

I'm fairly certain that if you were take my blood pressure at any given point during the workshop, an ambulance would have been called and they would have broken out those electronic paddle things. Yeah, it was that bad.

But, alas, it is over and I will never, ever have to actually implement any of the things that my company just spent $30,000 on.

In other news, I have my first FET-related appointment in the morning. I'm not quite sure what its purpose is though. My protocol says "Premed Evaluation". I don't know if that's blood work, U/S, or both? Or maybe neither? Guess I should've asked, huh?

I took my last bcp on Tuesday and I'm still waiting for AF to get off her lazy ass. I'm sure I'll have some action going on by the weekend.

If all goes well at the appointment, I should be receiving my first IM shot tomorrow evening around 9 pm. Be sure to set your alarms, this is exciting stuff!

I Got The Funk

No, I haven't found George Clinton and his lost Mo Jo.

I started running a low-grade fever on Sunday and it's been averaging around 99.5 since. It's just enough to make me feel like shit. I don't really have any other symptoms so it's like a ghost virus.

Whhhoooooooooo.... (okay, that came across more like Woodsie the Owl than Casper the Ghost).

I guess I'll wait a few more days and see if it breaks. I start my first shot on Friday so I don't want anything funky going on that could interfere.

I also have to take this stupid Executive Presentation Skills workshop tomorrow and Thursday.

Can you tell that I'm REALLY excited?

I'm hearing it's all about public speaking, receiving coaching while speaking (i.e. You just said "Um" again or "Buy some bigger pants because your big IVF ass is distracting") and then getting recorded while performing that public speaking.

Not exactly my idea of fun.

I'm not really a shy person when I'm in a small group or talking one-on-one. But, getting up in front of 20 people and getting recorded isn't exactly on my "List Of Things To Do Before I Die."

I get all........ splotchy.

Yeah, seriously.

If I start to get self-conscious or embarrased or if I get caught off-guard, I get splotchy and turn all red.

Which in turn, adds to my embarassment.

I've given tons of presentations before and most times, I'm prepared and that helps to stave off Mr. Splotchy. But, if I'm getting critiqued or if I get thrown off my speaking points, he can just come a creepin' in.

Imagine this all over my chest, neck and face. It's quite a sight.



Apparently, it runs in my family because my mom and sister also do it. I think it has something to do with blood pressure but I don't know?

On the brightside, it's only 2 days (that are being ripped out of my life).

I mean, I'm sure it will be an excellent learning experience that will provide a solid foundation in my development as a manager.

Lots of Good News Today!

First, I'm so excited that I'm busting at the seams! My blog friend "DC" at One Pink Line got her first BFP over the weekend after her 2nd IVF cycle. Please check out her blog to read how she found out - it's priceless!

I also received a call from my nurse coordinator today. While my RE would still like to see my TSH closer to 3, she doesn't feel it's anything that will interfere with my current cycle. So, we're still a go for FET! My first IM shot of Del Estrogen is Friday.

Now, this is the type of day that I'm talkin' about!

The Test Result With No Answer

I talked with my nurse coordinator today to get the results of my TSH test. It came back at 4.33. The problem is, I don't know if that's good or bad.

My last test in April was also around 4.0 and that was good enough for me to start IVF. During my consultation on Tuesday, my RE said she'd like to see my level closer to 3.0. I think 5.0 is considered "high normal" so I'm right smack in the middle.

So, I don't know what she's going to do. She'll either be OK with the number because it does prove that I'm regulated OR she'll recommend I talk to my endocrinologist to adjust my meds a little. If I get referred back to my endo, I'm afraid she'll delay me 30 days until I take another blood test to check my levels again. When they adjust the meds, testing is always done after 4 weeks.

My RE wasn't in the office today so I have to wait until Monday. I'm prepared to make a business case for moving forward. 4.0 was good enough to get released from my endo so it should be good enough for FET.

Always A Bridesmaid...

I think I should've been the star of "27 dresses". Except in my version, it would be a closet full of pregnant women. And, instead of buying them, I'd kidnap them to save infertile women from dealing with their crap.

Yes, of course I'd let them go if they went in to labor. Geez, what kind of person do you think I am?!

To get back to my point, the neverending cycle of hearing about other people getting pregnant continues. Remember in my last post how I celebrated that all of the pregnant women were now gone from the office? Well, that lasted, what? 2 days? Phew -- what a break that was!

I found out today that yet another girl is expecting in the office. You'd think I worked in the Pentagon with 5,000 employees. How can there possibly be SO many pregnant people in such a small space?! We have 85 people in the office for crying out loud and 1/2 of them are men!

So, new mommy has been puking her guts out every day. Awwwwww. I'm SO sorry. She also thinks she's hiding her misery by going in to the last stall.

Um. I hate to be the one to break this to you but, we can ALL hear you. Every last disgusting hurl. The last stall doesn't have sound proof walls. So, when you come out to wash your hands and you THINK you just had a private moment, you might as well just come clean. You aren't fooling anyone.

She's the ripe old age of 24 and just got married about 3 months ago. She made it very public they'd start trying right away. Of course, it happened on the first try. Bitch.

So, I made nicey nicey talk with her and then decided I needed to de-stress so I went and got a manicure and pedicure after work. Hel-lo! My nail lady is also pregnant!

Seriously, God. Is there some sort of lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? If I'm being plain stupid, you might have to just knock me upside the head because I'm not really appreciating the subtle little hints you're leaving me. But, can you do it when it's convenient? Because I'd really hate to lose control of my car or something.

OK, I'm putting my serious face on now.

I should get the results of my thyroid test tomorrow. I'm really hoping my levels are still OK. We tried so hard to get me within the normal range so I could start IVF. Part of the problem was that I developed something called Post-partum thyroiditis after the ectopic. Nice. It was the gift that keeps on giving.

Anyway, it gives the appearance that the TSH levels are higher or lower than they actually are. So, I'm hoping that I'm even more regulated after being on the medication for awhile and all of the old, worthless pregnancy symptoms are long gone and not affecting anything.

Meeting Results? I'm Not Broken.

I had my consultation with my RE this morning. It went about like I planned. I’m not broken. Phew.

She is very optimistic that IVF will work for me. With the exception of the final result, she was very pleased with the cycle and doesn’t feel we need to change anything.

I asked her about my thyroid levels and she said it would probably be a good idea to have it checked again so I’ll go for blood work this week. If it’s normal, we’ll proceed with my current FET schedule. If it’s elevated, she’ll send me back to my endocrinologist for medication adjustment. That leaves the potential to get delayed 30 days. That’s what I get for opening my mouth. Had I not asked, we probably wouldn’t have discussed it at all. Oh well, better to be safe than sorry. If my levels are off, I need to get it fixed.

I also asked about my lining and she said it was around 11mm throughout the entire cycle. Anything over 8 mm is good so that’s definitely not a worry.

She gave me more info on our frozen blasts as well. All 3 were graded as Level 1. I knew 2 were frozen the day of my transfer. The 3rd was frozen the next day and had hatched so that’s even better news! She said, on average, they experience an 85-90% thaw rate so that’s better than I expected. I told her I was expecting one to arrest during thaw and she acted like we have a good chance of ending up with all 3 as viable embryos. We agreed to thaw all 3 and we’ll put back 3 if we can. Might as well increase our odds. My husband’s reaction? “So we just went from potentially having twins to having triplets?!”. Oh, you poor, poor man.

"I'm A Loser" Meeting Tomorrow

My post-IVF (a.k.a "I'm A Loser, Please Help Me") consultation is tomorrow morning. I'm not really sure what to expect but I think it will go something like this:

Me: So, what happened?

Dr: I dunno

Me: Well, do you think we should change my protocol next time?

Dr: (scratching head): I dunno

Me: I wrote down some concerns that I have:
- Is my egg quality OK?
- Should we check my thyroid levels during the stim phase to make sure my levels aren't out of whack?
- Do you have any concerns about my lining? My period wasn't that heavy after the cycle so I'm wondering if that means my lining wasn't thick enough?"

Dr: You aren't a doctor. You should stop overanalyzing everything.

I'm not trying to make my doctor sound stupid because I really do like her. I'm just not expecting to get a lot of answers because I don't think she'll have any. I think she'll be scratching her head along with me. The questions that I listed above are actual things I'm wondering - mostly my thyroid levels and the lining.

I had to get cleared by my endocrinologist before I could start the cycle. If my FSH levels get too high (meaning my medication is too low), I have an increased risk of miscarriage. We never checked my levels during the cycle so I'm not sure if the stims affected anything or not.

And, I am suspecting my lining for some reason. Everything I read on-line said AF was pure hell after a failed cycle. Mine barely came for a visit and lasted about the same as a normal cycle. It seems like it should've been super duper if the lining was thick, right?


Completely off the subject - where is everyone?!