Caribbean Vacation! and hard news

I just returned from a week-long sailing vacation in the British Virgin Islands with family and friends who are now family. It was beyond expectations and words cannot convey the amazing time we all had. We snorkeled and talked and ate and played with the kids, and I jumped off the flybridge into moonlit water to swim with bioluminescence. Three times.

My energy level was amazing for most of the trip and I was one of the first into the water every chance. We saw so many fish, I practiced snorkel diving, and my body did so well! The tropics are a fabulous place for me to visit, but heat rash let me know that more northern climates are best long-term! The travel days, especially the flights, were exhausting and tremendously painful but I knew that going in.

The trip wasn't all positives, though. Seeing the scale of hurricane damage up close proved the consequences of how greatly humanity is changing the climate. My cousin and her young family were on the trip; her husband was our captain. The last full day we learned that their home in Redding, Ca, was destroyed by the Carr Fire. There were some tears shed and shock all around, but also tremendous gratitude that they didn't live through that nightmare. They're now making big decisions about their future on an increasingly risky planet.

Another rheumatology appointment

I have an appointment first thing Thursday to see my rheumy.  My mom's coming with me, to drive home how sick I am and to help talk to the doc.  I get so used to this being my normal that it's hard to get into the mindset of just how unusual my life is.  Then explaining that is almost impossible.

Some positive thoughts my way would be very welcome.  I just so exhausted by this fight.

My Gram

My paternal grandmother died when I was twenty.  She fought cancer for several years, hard years.  I loved her but was overwhelmed by the situation, didn't know how to react, and was caught up in my own life.  She wrote me cards and letters over that time, and I always felt guilty that I was so bad at calling or writing her back.  I wasn't grown up enough to deal with her illness.  I had one wonderful visit with her during that time, and I treasure those memories.

Yesterday I got a bug to declutter, and went through old correspondence.  In it were all the cards and letters she wrote from that time, and earlier.  A rabbit-themed fold-out birthday card for my 19th birthday--she said "I know, I know, you're 19, but I couldn't help myself."  I loved that card.

Reading her writing now, with greater understanding and experience, is like having a conversation with her.  I read her thanking me for a quilt I made her, how it kept her warm and loved.  I read about the gifts I sent, with my mom's help, and I feel sure that she knew I loved her.  And still do.  I always mourned that we couldn't know each other as adults.  But I trust that I will see her again, with her red hair restored.

Eleanor,  Frank Weston Bensen, Wikimedia Commons

The card my Gram used most often

Christmas Knitting

Does it still count as Christmas knitting if I start it the day after?  I chose to do no holiday knitting this year, which pairs nicely with my No Deadlines rule.  However, I had no gift for my sister and no idea what she'd want.  Then I saw a very cute coffee cup cozy project, dug up some leftover yarn, and swatched last night.

It's a take off on Kate Davies' Owls, but in coffee form.  And much much smaller, so I should be able to start and finish today.  I hope she likes it.  As a neurobiology PhD candidate I know she drinks a lot of coffee!

Owl Coffee Cozy by Tiny Dino

Owls by the super awesome Kate Davies

I've been feeling pretty miserable lately and have had little to post about.  I stuck to the concept "if you can't say anything nice..."

Family and Friends

My grandmother was visiting from out of town for a few weeks so I spent as much time with her as I could.  It's fun to be an adult and learn about her early life.  I knit her a ruffle scarf, just like the scarf at right but in plum.  She loved it.  She also went home with a lace shawl, so plenty of knitted lovelies to show off to her friends.  It's so cool being one of the most bragged about grandkids :)

As a shocking departure from previous dating posts, I had a good date!  And then another, with the same man.  The whole world must have turned upside down!  It's still early days but this is more progress than I've made in years, and with a good solid guy.

I'm really looking forward to holiday parties.  Seeing friends and family makes this one of my favorite times of year.  I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday Season!

My Mom

In a word, my mom is amazing.  I've dealt with chronic illness for 19 years and she's supported me the whole way.  While friends and community have fallen away, she's remained despite the pain she feels seeing me in pain.  My entire life she's been loving and supportive.  She's my best friend.

I mentioned hoping to go to a party last weekend and she said she'd drive me.  That would involve over an hour of driving just to pick me up and drop me off, plus her evening gone, but she's happy if it means I can see friends and enjoy myself.  I do the best I can to take care of myself, and I work really hard at it, but for the many many times I fall short it's so good to know my mom has my back.

That's why I was thrilled to discover that the Tangled Yoke sweater fits her perfectly!  She was so excited to have a new sweater, it's essentially made to measure for her, and the project was an unmitigated success :)

My beautiful mother in her new sweater :)

I took some in-progress photos while creating the front placket, so stay tuned for that mini tutorial plus better photos of the cable.

This Pie's For You

I picked wild blackberries on Labor Day with my mom and baked a pie the next day.  It's super yummy!

My grandpa loved pie almost as much as he loved my grandma.  This pie is dedicated to him, with happy memories of his big smile when I brought him a bowls full of berry pie and ice cream :)  I can't wait to eat pie with again, Pap.

Memorial Day

In memory of my Pap:

He could build anything

Crew chief in Pacific and Guadalcanal,
pointing to icon of 2nd Japanese plane they shot down

Every Memorial Day I've thought of him

Bad News

My grandfather died yesterday.  I'm a bit of a wreck--OK one minute, crying the next.  I don't know whether I'll be able to make the memorial this weekend, for the usual health/pain reasons.  Moments like this I hate my life more than usual.

I loved my grandpa, and still do, but I didn't know him very well.  I grew up across the country and he had pretty strict gender roles and mostly let my grandma talk.  He was fun and warm and a wonderful man.  The last couple years he had dementia.  I saw him last summer and knew it was goodbye.  He's removed from suffering and with family and friends, and I'm grateful for that.  But he'll be missed, so so much.

Christmas Baking

Fancy Christmas Trees

 My mom and I didn't get to do our usual pre-Christmas cookie baking this year, since I was sick.  Instead we made some cookies on Christmas afternoon :)  It was fun--she mixed the dough in advance so we just rolled, cut, baked and decorated.  Then it was time for dinner.

My next baking adventure will be a birthday cheesecake for a good friend.  Yum!  Don't forget the raspberry sauce :)

 

                                          Don't let anyone tell you the star tip isn't multipurpose ;)

Maximizing the dough!

Little Better

Well, my mom redeemed herself by saying she's upset whenever something hurts me.  That I've had enough hurt for one life and don't need any more (very, very true).  So I'm glad we've moved on, if not actually addressing issues.  It's family, what can ya do.

The horrible bronchitis that's dogged me for over a week seems to be finally improving.  Thank God for prednisone, and Fisherman's Friend cough drops (10mg menthol each!).  Now I can hopefully get some energy back and start to get in the Christmas spirit.

A Conversation

I talked to my mom after breaking up with my guy.  I called a friend first but she was sleeping, so ended up with my mom.  Somewhere in the conversation my mom said--at least it sounded this way to me--that I shouldn't expect a man to ever want me because I'm ill.  She never talks this way normally and it was very hurtful, and the worst possible timing.  In the same conversation she mentioned how compassionate I am.  I don't get it.  I brought this up a few days later and she got upset with me.  We didn't resolve things but did state our points of view.

She decided to talk about it with someone else and try to figure out why she says these things.  I'm just so glad that she's trying to figure it out, and not with me!  Hopefully she'll have a better understanding of how much it hurt.  Cause I make an awesome girlfriend ;)

It's interesting how friends just accept me as I am, with no stigma, but maybe my mom still has her hopes from before I got sick.  I don't know what it is that's wrong or disappointing in her eyes.  With what I had to work with and the troubles along the way I've made a really good life.

Edit: I wanted to reiterate that what my mom actually said was not what I heard.  I still have no idea what exactly she was trying to say, but I'm sure it was supportive.  Or meant to be.