OH!! And another thing...

I may or may not have mentioned... I can't remember, but I'd really like to live anywhere else. I mean the little country I live in is really starting to get on my nerves. I know that everywhere has it's ups and downs, that pretty much the whole world sucks no matter where you live, taxes, corrupt governments... that sort of thing. But sometimes, I have to say I'm pretty damn proud to be a Kiwi,

and this is one of those times.

The other the day while sitting at my desk bored out of my skull I came across THIS article on the STUFF.CO.NZ website, about several gay defence force personnel.

Who says you can't wear green and be gay at the same time. We may be a small little country of just over four and a half million, loosely associated with Australia... but atleast we show some signsd of progress!

Then of course... when you have guys like this on your team... who needs enemies?

Once upon a time in... Wellington?

Man I'm really starting to suck at this whole blogging thing. I dunno what's with me really, I've never had so much trouble saying something before. I mean usually I just open my fat mouth and a whole pile of shit just rushes out. Actually, that's a pretty funny image don't ya think? I even took a six week break from writing my book... I think it was six weeks.

To be fair, I really don't know what the hell is going on. I just feel in this kind of sticky molasses type malaise lately. Like I just can't be bothered doing anything, when I get home from work I just conk out on the bed and watch movies, before drifting off to sleep. I'm even totally behind in all the blogs I follow... sorry to those of  you that still care about me... I will catch up one day, I promise.

It's work I think, to be honest, it's totally killing me. I feel so drained. So much so that I barely even leave the house anymore, unless it's to go back to that shithole, or get supplies. Nine Inch Nails had it so totally right... everyday is exactly the fucking same! I know I need to get out more, but I just totally don't have the energy.... the sad thing is, is I'm really lonely.

I'm on the way back though I think... maybe this will become a regular thing again.

What dreams may come...

What have we done…? Where were we….? What are we doing…? What are we going to do…? How long till we realise it’s far too late… is seven poor souls enough, or does the mill need more so it can continue to grind out its meagre existence?

There’s been a bit of a furore in the news lately, over the past few months seven young men chose to end their lives. They did this because they could see no other way out. So I ask again, where were we? Where were those of us that have come before, and why can’t we see the inherent flaws within ourselves? Flaws that stopped us from seeing, that held us back, that said “It’s alright someone else will sort it… It’s someone else’s problem.” Why does it always take something truly horrible, to make us sit up and think about it? I mean, it’s not exactly hard to realise, we’ve all dealt with some measure of it in our own lives.

The mere fact that those young men, the youngest being thirteen, were gay really is irrelevant at this point. Because this crisis (Thank you Ellen!), doesn’t exist solely within the bounds of the LGBT community. It is prevalent throughout the far reaches of all society. Fat, thin, geeky, glasses, unpopular, poor, bad style sense, the very race you’re born into… these are all reasons or justifications for bullying. But bullying doesn’t limit itself to just those, oh no! Bullying is an equal opportunity employer, and sadly its ranks swell by the day. Society, religion, peer groups, or just the simple need to fit in somewhere… these are all hotbeds for recruitment. As a race of beings, we’re inherently social by nature, meaning, we like to be in a crowd… and if that crowd is bad, then that kid that everyone thought was a good kid will follow the crowd and do what the crowd does. Sad but true.

But what really makes a bully? Because I tell you this, it’s definitely not something we’re born into… it’s something we’re made into. Environment plays a big part in this, how we’re raised, where we live, what factors are prevalent in our everyday life, the opinions of of our parents or other family groups, our neighbors, our friends... the media. All those things can culminate to make a bully what they are. Generally speaking, most bullies are cowards… they are so scared of their own shadow, that they feel the need to make everyone else’s life miserable, because that’s how they feel. The rest just seems to be situational. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and that's where the real monsters lye... but more on that another time.

Having said that, I’m not here to discuss the mechanics of what makes a bully… someone else can do that much better than I. What I wanted to talk about was the blatant hypocrisy that some people show. The best example was the massive outpouring of support shown by so many famous people during the Haiti disaster… where were those people and their money before it happened? Might have done a lot more good then. But that’s the thing isn’t it… as a race of beings, it’s far easier to show outrage and support after the fact, than it is to do anything really tangible to stop it before the crisis boils over. No, it’s far easier to react to popular opinion, than draw attention to oneself.

I’ve read posts and comments over this teen suicide situation from some pretty far reaching places… I’ve read the news, and listened to what Ellen had to say (Thanks for posting that DJ). But what does it all mean? Should we all band together to fight the good fight, now that it’s been drawn to our attention, or should we have been doing that little by little every day of our lives? Personally I think the latter would have been far more effective, but it takes work, hard work! Effort that we seldom show the likes of doing. I did, still do in fact… if that makes me a crusader, then so be it. But at least I’m consistent!

What really gets me is those people that only take notice when it suits them, or those that only appear to be on side, while in actual fact behind closed doors are some of the worst offenders… these people make me sick! And what’s worse though is the sick pleasure they seem to get from playing both sides… you know who you are… and you’re not smart enough to hide it from everyone else forever.What is it that these people really want... is it vulnerability? Do they want to keep everyone down so they can't fight back? You just have to look at the likes of columbine to understand how far you can push someone before they snap. And why is it that people can't see this when it happens, what have the all the safeguards really achieved?

They say that charity begins at home, but I tell you what… so does tolerance. There is absolutely no point getting the government involved, local or otherwise, the school boards, the police, or anyone else you can think of, until you can change the personal views of each individual human being. If someone is forced into doing something, they rebel against it… I know this to be a fact… I speed, I hate paying my taxes, and I even tried to avoid jury service the other week. Now, if I knew that all that was actually for something good, and the government asked me nicely… things might be a little different.But no... what's the point when you can just make someone do it... bend them to your will... wait, that sounds like bullying doesn't it?

Why yes, I think it does... so you see where there could be a problem there?

I have a friend… a very good friend that I care for deeply. You see, a few months ago, he made a really bad mistake, one that he has apologised for on countless occasions, yet he’s still being punished by those that profess themselves to be the great crusaders of our gay youth. Bullying comes in all forms, and this one is just as bad if not worse… but then I guess as far as they’re concerned what’s one more name for the mill huh? Maybe these people should take a good long hard look at themselves… nobody around these parts are squeaky clean. 

But then, what rite do they have to be making these claims in the first place. Did our gay youth get up one day and say to them... "Hey, your big and strong and old... can you be my protector?". Somehow I highly doubt that. Me, I have no illusions that I'm some rainbow purple caped crusader... I've never turned anyone away, but I don't go looking for fights either. What rite do I have to impose my will upon anyone... that's right... no rite at all... I hope people can learn from this... 

COURAGE AND HONOUR!!

Summertime is on the way...

The Long Kiss Goodnight...

I'd like to say that I haven't blogged in over a month, because I haven't had anything to blog about. But when I actually sit down and think about it..., well..., that really isn't true. The problem I have is that what I have had to blog about, is not all that pleasant. I haven't murdered anybody quite yet, so it's not that bad, it's just not overly happy is all.

To be honest, I've been feeling pretty depressed. My life as it stands, is one giant steaming pile of horseshit, or at least it has been. I'm still totally alone, and this really bothers me..., and to be fair, it's even for the lack of trying. But then, even my favourite toy doesn't seem to have that much appeal for me right now. Don't get me wrong..., we do still play..., just no where near as much as we used too..., if you catch my drift. I dunno..., I really just hope it's because I've been too tired lately.

Why am I tired? Well work is really hammering me. This whole new roster we have, is really getting me down. Four early starts, two days off, then four late finishes..., and then the whole thing starts all over again. It just seems like time is slipping away from me lately, or at least, that it's going a lot faster or something. I swear, that when I was doing a five on two off, the weeks weren't going this fast.

Then to add insult to injury, my worklife isn't going that well either. New manager, new overall boss..., and lot's of change. Why is it that very new person has to change things..., and why can't they see that what they're doing is not for the better? Can't they tell that we were happy the way we were? The mind truly boggles.

On the plus side, there is this particularly cute young fella that's started. Swimmers physique, not too tall, and the deepest most beautiful brown eye's I've ever seen..., not too mention a very cute butt. That I can work at all, when he's there, and in his usual "Playful" mode, is really quite beyond me. Be playful, I mean that he's an incessant tease..., he's beautiful, and sadly..., he knows it. Plus I think he knows what it does to me.I really am quite shameful in my staring..., must actually work on that at some point.

What it has done though, is brought out ,y feelings of loneliness. All I want is someone to hold, someone to love, who'll love me back..., is that really too much to ask? Honestly..., I don't think so..., sometimes I really feel like I'm destined to be alone.

Even my trusty Jeep failed me the other day, when i failed it's warent. Suspension swing arm and axle joint out of alignment. It's been that ay since I bought it, and has never been a problem in the past.., now it's a $1000 dollar problem. And that's money that at the time, I just didn't have..., thankfully the bank has sorted me out. But now, I'm in even greater debt..., I really hate debt!

Why does being an adult have to be so hard..., I thought it was supposed to be easy. In all seriousness..., I think I'd rather be 14 again

One flew over the cuckoos nest....

Josh form "My Mortal Dream" took this test, so I thought I would give it a crack as well..., seems i'm a little more fruity than I first thought.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Lost in Translation

It would have been my little brother's birthday today..., just seven days after mine..., I turned 32, he would have been 17. I was 15 when he came into my life, and through an unfortunate series of events, I was still 15 when he went out of it. I can't find it within myself to accept or forgive for that. I just can't get over what I missed out on, watching him grow to the fine young man, I know he would have been, watching him tumble through life's many obstacles, being right there to hold his hand or dry his tears.

All that was taken from me, and I'm really seriously bothered by it. What's worse is that I just can't ever seem to figure out why? One of the most provocative questions since man was still cavorting in caves and loincloths..., WHY?!

I've done a lot of soul searching over the years, spent some time in a deep depression, and more time at the bottom of a bottle. This wasn't all of it, no my brother was only part of it, but he was a big part. I've had people try to talk me out of it, I've even had people telling me about god's will..., well I can tell you now..., what an absolute load of total fucking BOLLOCKS!

I mean look..., if you want to follow a faith, and be all you can be for god, you go right ahead. Far be it for me to tell you how to live your life. But..., and this is a big but..., I cannot in all good conscience even begin to believe in something that would take away the love joy and happiness that was taken away from my family. Sorry but I just don't have the time or energy for that.

This is all I have to go on now. I have absolutely no way of knowing what kind of guy he would have become, or what he would have looked like, though I can imagine..., because imagination is all I have left.

Picture post - Some tasty boys...

I Really miss summer..., it's like full on cold over here now..., I wanna go somewhere where the boys can dress like this all day!

The Matrix...

That's just about how I'm feeling right now. Just a number..., used up like a tired battery pack about to be flushed. I so totally swear that the company I work for, has taken it's management style straight from that movie..., it even has agents I tell you! Even though they're in the form of HR reps, they're still godawful agents. Right now it's survey time..., new CEO, new ideas. He wants to be in the top ten employers of my country within five years..., WTF?! Better start treating us better then!

Like I said though, it's survey time..., we just did one for how we would like to see the company..., yeah like they're gonna pay attention to that! Now we have to do one about how the company actually is..., hahahahaha!!! What a laugh..., i'm actually looking forward to that one. They say it's confidential, I don't believe them..., I don't give a fuck either! It's time for total 100% unadulterated honesty.

To make matters worse, my department is being "Restructured", my job is still safe, thank God! But it's interesting what they have planned, and there may be a job going going that might be good for me. A new position is being created, called the "Contact Centre Manager". As the only one with the seniority and experience, I may even get it..., would be a jump in salary of about $15K, so that'll  come in handy. It will also mean no more shift work, and no more nights, so that'll be good too I reckon. Not sure if I want that level of responsibility though. I'll let you know if anything comes of it.

On another note, yeah it's been a while huh? I know..., I'm a real bad blogger. I'm pretty slack too, not that that matters though. Almost a month has gone past, and not a great deal of interest to talk about.

I did finish writing my first book though, and it seems to have been well received. I've even started working on the next one. Trying a different style with that, so should be fun. If you're interested the link is still on the side bar, just click on the navy symbol.

Well that's it I guess, just checking in, for those that care...

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Tears of the Sun...

If you look at my blogroll, you will see that I follow several young guys. Now I know what some would think about that, but let me tell you..., it's nothing of the kind. Some of these guys are really hurting, and if I can help out in any way..., then as a guy who has been through a decent amount in my own life..., who am I not to pass on the knowledge of experiences. Trust me..., there is absolutely nothing nefarious here at all.

What has really saddened me this last week or so is everything that's happened with the younger ones..., one of which turned out to be an old dude..., what the fuck is up with that? I mean..., why would someone want to do that, something so confidence shattering to all the real young guys out there that look up to them..., it begs belief that's for sure. I know you should be circumspect in any dealings you have with people over the net, but it just seems like the universe is losing it's grip with reality!

(That's not him by the way..., that's Remy Thorne..., it's just the pic he used for his profile..., in case you were wondering.)

Sadly..., I lost another one today..., seems like all the blogs I follow are dropping off or being deleted. This one though was pretty special to me. I didn't know much about him at first..., kinda just knew him in passing from the comments he left on the "Rent Boy" site..., but after a while he started a blog..., well that's gone now, and I'm not overly happy about it, but I respect the reason why it has been taken down.

You see, the auther of said blog..., a young fella named JJ, was one of those rare kids that you just instantly like. He wasn't all about being cool, in fact when he first started his blog he was so timid and unsure of himself. As the months went on though, with his blog you got the unerring sense that you were watching him grow into the strong and determined man that he will become some day.It really warmed the heart, and I felt myself get a little excited every time I saw one of his posts pop up on the dashboard.

Here's the comment I posted on two of my follow bloggers blogs..., whether it will stay there and see the light of day..., I really don't know..., but here it is...

"You know what? Everyone is so concerned about chasing their own tails and sorting out who is to blame, that they are forgetting the true reason for why we are here. And besides, as cool as JJ is..., and he really is by the way..., he is still a child..., and he isn't our child. I consider the boy a friend, and I truly hope he thinks the same of me, but I would never once even consider telling him what to do, or telling his parent's what to do with their child. They have a responsibility to maintain the safety of their child..., and if this is how they see to do it, then all power to them.

What we have here gentleman is a simple case of not knowing all the facts..., don't you think it's prudent to find out, or at least wait until they become known before we all fly off the handle like a pistol half cocked.

In the end, as close as we all are..., some of us more than others I grant you..., who is in the best position to help JJ through whatever it is he's going through? That's right..., his parents. Lets not demonise them for what they doing, instead..., at least I am anyway, lets support them..., no matter how much we may hate what they are doing.

If you want to blame anyone..., I'll put my hand up, and I think some of you may know why I say that..., but i'm gonna leave it there.

To JJ I say this..., this isn't goodbye Kiddo..., we will see each other again.

To Rowan I say..., don't beat yourself up mate..., you're a cool guy, and you're one of the reasons why JJ blossomed into the great kid we all have come to know and love.

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius."

I'm not really sure why I wanted to post this, and I don't even know if the others involved ever even come here...,  but in a small way I think I'm responsible for what happened..., if that's true then I'm really sorry to everyone involved..., it was never my intent to hurt anyone.

I will miss JJ's blog, but hopefully we'll be able to stay in touch so I can personally apologise.

Desperado...

God! What a shit week i'm having so far..., and it's only been three days!!!! Tuesday (first day back after my weekend), was probably the worst. As if it was a parting shot, my team leader let slip to me that I was in some serious shit for swearing on the phones. Now I make it a point to never swear on the phone, because you really can't tell who's listening right? Well as it turns out, this particular time, my phone didn't disconnect after a call, and the new manager is listening in to calls. My phone is sometimes dodgy like that, apparently the punter had disconnected, so it really isn't that bad..., I only found that out today however!

Scared me shitless..., she let me stew on it for almost three days, thinking that i'm about to be fired for gross misconduct! To tell you the truth, i'm seriously considering a "PG" over the whole thing, at the very least some nice relaxing "Stress leave"..., hmmm yeah free leave on full pay..., that'll fuck em! In the end though, all i'm getting is a verbal warning about my behaviour..., I said to that..., "With all the shit we have to deal with..., a boy has to vent! Still I have to say that I am thankful that i'm employed..., it could've turned out a lot worse.

So what else then..., well..., i'm ramped up the new job search, I just have to get out of there, and i'm now very much actively looking. Had some good luck, and some bad. There's been a couple that might be good ones that i'm on the list for. So on that i'll just have to wait and see.

Have also lost contact with a couple of friends over the last week or two. Bit of a shame really because they're some pretty cool guys, and I really do kinda miss them. Probably my own fault really, I think I should have paid better attention. Have sent a few emails trying to reconnect, so maybe something will come of it..., who knows?

At this juncture..., i'm reminded of a phrase I hear once, one that I think I should take heed to...

"This too shall pass..."

Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

One flew over the cuckoos nest...

My god what a shit week! Honestly i'm just barely holding onto the very thin threads of what is left of my sanity. Let me tell you...., it's not all that easy, but I am trying. What's making it worse is that the lovely government we have, in their infinite wisdom has decided to raise the price of tobacco..., 24% instant increase..., that works out to around $8 on top of the already exorbitant price that they already demand. It's just shit, because I can just bet that my company will claim poverty again when it comes to pay-rises this year.

Honestly I'm just making ends meet right now, and this is just one more kick to the nuts! All the excuses in the world aren't enough to disguise the fact that this is just another blatant revenue grab, and it's really getting me down.


I'm still looking for a better job though, and things are somewhat promising at the moment, even though I have been knocked back a few times, things are still looking up. Hopefully I can get something going soon, because I tell you what..., i'm gonna lose it if I don't.

Music Post - Something a little different...

Obviously in no particular order....

Picture Post - Fairwell to the boys of summer...

Definitely, Maybe...

Been a long time huh..., I hate to say it, but the reports of my untimely demise are woefully untrue. The sad fact of the matter is that I've just been having a really shitty time of it lately. We've lost several staff at work, and the powers that be don't seem that keen on replacing them..., makes for a much heavier workload for all the rest of us, and it's getting us all down. Not too mention the shitty performance rep I got, and the manager that has no clue what he is doing. Fun times all round really. So in a nutshell that does give you a little idea as to my absence, really all I want to do most nights when I get home, is to just crawl into bed and await the onslaught for the next day.

It's not all doom and gloom though..., I have been having a little fun. Been spending some good quality time with friends, and watching a few good movies. I saw "Where the wild things are" the other day, was pretty good actually, bit nostalgic too, I can remember my dad reading that to me when I was a kid. I thought that the movie was a little scary actually, well for little kids anyway, but was still pretty good.

One thing I will mention, my blog is now..., as of the 28th of last month..., technically a year old. Though I didn't really start to post in any kind of a regular fashion until about August I think..., anyways so yeah, a year old, pretty cool huh?

Something else too..., and this is something I started right back at the beginning of this year, I do something with posts that no one has seemed to notice. Something with titles..., I had figured that at least someone would have picked  up on it..., maybe not though, as it seems that no one has.


Well that's about all for today..., am gonna post some pics and a few music clips as well, just coz I haven't done it in a while.

Hugs and kisses on all your pink parts...

Octavius.

Man on Fire

Just a quick note to let you all know that I still alive. Barely, but still here. Had some staffing issues at work, and that has meant that i am pulling really long hours and mostly on my own..., consequently I am totally exhausted! So much so that when I get home, I have barely enough energy to read a few blogs, before I crawl into my very comfortable bed. Everything seems to be on the back burner right now, but I am trying very hard to keep up with my writing.

Found a new blogger today though, and he's a Kiwi..., makes me very happy, as I was starting to get a little lonely over here. He's a young fella, but seems well worth the visit..., DC is his name, and can be found HERE.

Guess what i said in the last post, has turned out to be an epic fail, but I still have those things to talk about, and I will get to them..., hopefully soon!

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Ghost Rider...

I really do feel a little like a ghost lately. Like I'm stuck in a never ending malaise of unreality. Being a grown up sucks ass some times..., it really does.

Have had quite a bit to do over the last few days, and of course work has been weighing me down. Had to take my jeep in for a warrant the other day, which meant I had to get the windscreen replaced, as it had a rather large chip in it. It passed, but there was mention of the tires starting to perish.

So that lead to me relinquishing money I really don't have. To be honest the whole saga was grief from start to finish. As it turns out, the size tires I have aren't made anymore, and I had a spare that was a different size as well. So I had tire companies looking all over the country to try and sort me out..., GRIEF!!!! In the end, I just went with ones that were of the smaller size, I now have five of the same. Still cost a packet though!

Other than that, nothing much else has been happening, work still sucks and the love life isn't that much better. But I am keeping on. No point in dwelling eh? Got a few things I want to discuss, so you can expect a bit more of a regular posting schedule coming up..., well that's the plan anyway.... hahahaha!!

Hope all is well in your world...

Octavius.

Generations...

Wow! Interesting weekend. Finished work on Thursday evening and pretty much drove straight home to the parents house. Did have to stop off at mine, as I didn’t want to leave all my shit in the Jeep over the day…, to easy to steal anything, I didn’t want to run the risk. I tell you the last thing that I need is to have someone cut through my windows!

Drive wasn’t so bad, it’s only about an hour and a half away…, depending on traffic. Have always liked driving at night for some reason…, no idea why…, guess it’s just more peaceful. Anyways got home to find my brother and his Australian wife there. Out of all the years they have been together, I really have only spent a couple of days, in total, with her, so I still have yet to form a proper opinion. Not really sure about her though…, seems to need to be in the spotlight all the time, and I have to admit this bothers me a little. It was pretty late when I arrived, so we pretty much all went to bed…, well they did, I stayed up watching telly till I fell asleep a few hours later.

So the next day got rudely awoken far too early…, as I was on the lounge floor, by everyone walking around. I think I managed about five hours in the end. The kid was screaming, the brother was fighting with the wife…, all good natured, but they seemed to either forget that I was there, or they just didn’t care. Probably the latter…, my brother has been a right prick to me since we we’re both kids. I have no idea what his problem is, I mean he is the favourite…, and the oldest, so he always got everything, and I got punished and held back for his mistakes. Still…, I’m not bitter…, really

So when mum (The evil stepmother… hahahahaha…, no not really we love each other to pieces.), got home, we all packed up the vehicles and jumped in. Mum was riding with me, as there was only room for three in dad’s car, what with the baby in all, and I have this thing about smoking while I drive…, mum is the only other smoker of this group so she tagged along with me. Was a great trip, took about 4 hours to get to Taupo. Mum and I talking each other’s ears off the whole way. My sister, and my other niece, came down from Auckland and met us there. Was really good to see them, my god that little girl has shot up! My own fault for being lax in my visiting I guess.

Taupo itself was fantastic! Weather was beautiful, clear skies, sunny, and very hot the whole time we were there. Temps were hovering around the 30c (80f, for our American cousins) mark, even the nights were hot at around half that. Took the roof off of the Jeep, as soon as I got there. I just love the feeling of that…, that whole wind through the hair thing. Spent quite a bit of time, just running around the country side, doing the touristy things. The first night we had a kick ass bbq dinner, was super yum. Then the second night we went out for a picnic of ‘Fish and Chips’ on the side of the lake. Was just amazing to watch the sun go down over the hills, the sunstrike on water…, simply beautiful.

Went to a place called Huka Falls. It’s not really a water fall, in the traditional sense, but the awesome power of it can not be denied. The ‘Falls’ themselves is a passage in a river, where hundred odd meter expanse, is forced into a fifteen meter channel. You could feel the rumble of it up on the bridge. Went out on the second night. Town was pretty dead even though there was a big round the lakes fun run thing, but then I guess it is a little town. Didn’t see much in the way of candy, but there was a fella that I had my eye’s on. If I wasn’t with my brother, his wife, and my sister..., I may have even considered pursuing him. But alas, sober driver duties took precedence.

While I was there I took a walk along the track that ran beside the river. Was some truely beautiful scenery there. Reminds me just how lucky I am to live in the country I do...

On the drive home, the seating arrangements were the same, so mum and I spent even more time together. Was really great, as we usually don’t get to spend this much time together. Was an interesting trip home, ended up taking the loooonnnnggg route home. I admit, I missed a few turns, but neither of us really cared. We stopped at Ohakune for gas and a piece of bacon and egg pie…, YUM! Then headed down the island. Once we got to the homestead, we just chillaxed for a while, before having a bang up BBQ. Steaks and salad…, all good.

After dinner I drove home. Again at night, so I was shocked to see the hills on fire. Appears some child thought it would be fun to set fire to a few things. Shame for him it got way out of control. Still the skyline looked pretty cool as the hillside burned.

So that was my trip…., pretty cool huh?

Human Traffic....

I'm away for a few days. Going to a family thing up in Taupo. Should be fun, and i'll let you in on the goings on when I get back.

Hell is for Heroes...

I had a post all lined up..., even had it completely written out. But in the end, it was far too dark..., even for me!! Suffice it to say, I had a rather shitty day at work (Being understaffed in a busy period when everything breaks, is super uncool!!), and was stupid enough to contemplate writing a post. I have since thought better of posting it.

 

This is how it feels sometimes.

Thanks for all the comments, they really were my one and only shining light in an otherwise dreary day. And that email that you sent..., you know who you are (Though how you got out of the basement is anyone's guess... hahahahahaha!!), I will think about it. I make no guarantees though.

I have been rather down lately, and I do kinda feel cut off from the rest of the world. I have made a lot of friends in the blogsphere, but they all seem to be elsewhere in the world, and the time differences are really getting me down. Hence the "Cut off" feeling. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I guess though, unless I move elsewhere in the world, which may be a possibility, I will just have to get over it.

Maybe one day I will be on the inside looking out..., instead of the outside looking in......

More later.....

Quantum of Solace...

So..., been a long time huh? Well i'm fine..., how are you?

Pleasantries and platitudes..., aren't they wonderful? All in all though I have been pretty much ok over the last week. My three day weekend was pretty good, did nothing other than write, but was pretty good all the same. When I got back to work on Tuesday, I discovered that the written warning I thought they were going to try and give me, had been reduced to a verbal. Seems the team leader had a conversation with the HR dept, and they must have told her to pull her head in. Honestly I like the woman but she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed..., she completely forgot about disciplinary procedure. Oh well my gain I guess.

Man I am getting really lazy with this whole ting. I mean I want to continue, and I really enjoy the company of you guys, even if it is just virtual. But I am just so tired lately, I can barely even think of jerking off when I get home. Maybe there is something actually wrong with me? Doubt it, but it would be a good excuse.

I guess I should explain the last post a bit. You guys were kinda half right and half wrong. What I was getting at, was that I'm feeling really isolated right now. I am stuck in this work, sleep, wake, try and wank, work, sleep..., perpetual cycle. The only thing keeping me going for a while there was the comments I was getting, both here and over at the story site. I mean I know it sounds bad, and yes I would like some cheese with my whine, but lately the comments seemed to have dried up. And to be honest, I am feeling a little like more and more every day I am alone.

It's probably just my head trying to fuck me up, but I can't discount it if you know what I mean. Maybe if I posted more...? Maybe I should just go back to enjoying my own company..., ah the Quantum of Solace.

All quiet on the Western front...

Been a little quiet of late, and to honest I am feeling a little unloved. I don't know if I am just being over sensitive, or it really is as I fell..., but there you go. Maybe it is just the fact that Valentines day is just around the corner, and like so many years before, I have no one special to spend it with. In times past, even though it is just a commercial gimic, I have really enjoyed Valentines..., one really is the loneliest number sometimes...



I don't know. Maybe i'm just over thinking things, but I really do feel this way. I see so many couples on the streets, and I just have to stop myself before I get angry. I just can't help but think..., "Why can't I have that?". I mean was is so terribly wrong with me, that I seem so destined to be alone?

One of those aforementioned couples I saw in the supermarket the other day..., they must have been atleast 70, but they still held hands all the way through, and were whispering and smiling at each other. Even after so long, well I assume it was, I mean who can tell these days..., they just seemed so loving, like they were back in high school or something..., it was really sweet for them..., but depressing for me.

I may post more about this later, but right now I have to get to work.

A Bridge Too Far...

Well hey there chaps..., had an interesting weekend. But Jesus! Did my bankcard take a pounding. Honestly!! It was like like an angry brother aiming for late night penetration without lube... hahahahaha!!!

Perhaps I should explain that a little. Saturday was a gorgeous day, around 27c and sunny as all hell! Consequently I did bugger all..., it was just too hot. Sunday however, the weather did a complete 180, and to cheer myself up I went shopping. I wasn't planning on spending much money, but then I am a sucker for sales, and as it turns out, Warehouse Stationary, was having a "Back to school" sale...., so in the end I did my own version of "Changing Rooms".

BEFORE...

 

 

 

AFTER...

 

  

Unfortunately I couldn't do much for the decor, as I don't own the place, but I did to my best to make things a little more homey like.I bought a new computer desk on the el'cheapo, and a decent office chair. This has had the effect of opening my small room up quite considerably, and it also means that i'm not always in bed... hahahaha!!!

The whole thing didn't end there though..., oh no! I also bought a new phone..., well when I say bought, what I actually mean, is got for absolutely free! I really love free stuff..., YAY VODAFONE!!!!

My old phone...

 

My new phone...

 

The dude at the store said, "It comes in black and white..., which would you prefer?" Now, I thought to myself...., I have nothing against the black one..., but white is so much cooler..., and well, there you go!

So there you have it, from shit weather to broke, in two easy steps! Still all in all, it was a good weekend, got to hang out with my heterosexual life partner, which was fun. Honestly the things we discuss, are really quite insane at times. Take this one for example...

I don't know how we got on to the subject, but we started talking about our first times. He was amazed when I laid it all out to him, so I thought I would share with you as well. You see, I guess I started quite young..., I mean all the kids were playing around where I lived so I just thought it was natural. I knew pretty early on, even though I didn't understand it, and wouldn't come to grips with it until I was about fifteen, but, as I said, I knew pretty early on that I was into guys. 

It all started when I was eight..., there was quite a few of us kids in the neighbourhood, of ages varying from mine (I was the youngest), to fourteen..., we would hang out, play street rugby or cricket, depending on the season. But we would also get together at eachother's houses, for what we called "Playtime", usually involving some kind of fooling around. I can remember being really into it, and would always look forward to it, though it didn't happen often for me, as I was pretty young. 

When I turned ten though, things got pretty serious, and by the time I was eleven, there was pretty much nothing I hadn't done with a guy. Looking back now, I guess I was too young, and there are some things I wish that I hadn't done, or at least done differently. No internet back then, so a lot of it, was on the job training..., if you get what I mean?

Like I said earlier, my mate was shocked..., he told me that he was sixteen his first time..., I kinda regretted telling him afterwards actually. He kept talking about molestation and shit like that, but to be honest, I can not remember ever having been coerced into anything. Maybe I was just too young to fully understand it, I don't know, all I know was that I was into it.

Funny the things you talk about with friends, huh?