Music Post - To acompany the pics...

Picture post - Something to tide you over...

I'm going off the reservation for a days..., so I thought I would leave you with a few tasty boys..., as kind of a parting gift..., there is a theme in there, lets see if you can figure it out, and where I may be... HA HA HA!!

Trapped....

You ever get that feeling..., you know the one..., that you are trapped? I do.

Let me explain what I mean..., well, I'm a fairly quiet guy..., most of the time. I prefer to just "Lone Wolf" it, on occasions. I never did really play that well with others..., this is kinda a continuation of my last post.

Why do I feel "Trapped"..., well sometimes, I just want to be left alone, to sort my own shit out..., or even just to enjoy my own company. In the most blatant example I can think of..., just look at my MSN..., how often do you see me available these days? Most of the time I am running silent, in stealth mode, because other wise, I tend to get ambushed.

Don't get me wrong, the people I have as contacts I really enjoy talking too, I value their counsel, and thoroughly enjoy what they have to say...., but sometimes it gets a bit much. Sometimes I just have to be on my own. I really don't want to sound mean here, but there is just no way of putting it nicely. This isn't aimed at any one in particular..., and I should be happy that i seem so popular..., I would just like you all to know how I feel.

Like I said, I do enjoy the company of others, but I can not be there, for everyone all the time, nor should anyone expect me, or anyone else to be. We all need our private time. I guess I just feel pressured sometimes, when someone wants to talk, I feel honour bound, to reply..., I guess that's just who I am. I mean, I don't want to be rude..., if I ever need you guys, I don't want to be the one, who loses out because I was a prick the other day, or whenever.

It's just that sometimes, I may be busy, I may be in a shitty mood, I may just not feel like talking. So if I don't get back to  you right away..., or I am not always available, then now you know why. I'm not being mean, or even ignoring you..., I just want to be alone sometimes. I know I am not the only one like this....

This isn't just about MSN either..., I am exactly the same in real life..., I have always preferred solitude, over large gatherings. That's not to say that I don't enjoy getting out there and having fun, I just sometimes need time to reflect, time to kick back and chillax..., contemplating my navel! That's why I love my friends so much..., my really close ones. You see they all know this, and know that if I don't respond, then I am in this "Mood" for want of a better term. They just step back and wait for me to reopen the lines of communication.

I truelly love them for this, because I know that they are there when I need them..., having said that though, I have never turned down a friend in need. If the message or phone call I get is one of need, then I am all the way there. I stop caring about me, it's all about them until the crisis is over, then I need to get back to my own shit.

I have been thinking about his a lot lately. There have been a few occasions lately, where I have tried to explain this to others. Whether they have listened, or will even read this, I have no idea.  But in the end, what they do has, and always will be, up to them. I just felt like spelling it out, in a little more detail..., maybe in the end, it gives you all a little more insight.

Friendship....

The last week has brought, in stark relief, what this word means to me. I have never been one for large social groups..., it's not that I don't fit in, I do..., but not in any normal way. A man like me, is far more comfortable, in small tight groups..., or even with just one other, even alone..., is that sad? Hmmm..., perhaps I should explain that...

In my life, I have never really, been able to settle..., or even yet to be settled, into any particular circle. In fact, to be fair, I have always considered myself to be a "Circle Jumper". Sounds like a kinda cool title huh? Well not really, what this means is that I have always been part of, but apart from, any circle that I come into contact with. It has left me lonely, in that although I am known by several hundreds of people, I  am in fact not fully known by many.

Having said that I do have some very special people in my life..., two in fact. Both of which I would die for, and they likewise. If I am feeling down I can pick up the phone and know they will be there for me...., and always I feel better for doing so. Also at the same time when I am happy, they are there to share it...., they never argue, they never gripe, they are just there, and I am there for them in the same way. I can't tell you the amount of times I have sat and listened, as they both have spilled all their troubles out to me.

So..., getting back to the point, "What is friendship"? Well..., to me it is simple..., unconditional love.

"Unconditional"..., good word that, let me go a little deeper...

So my two best friends..., if I ever found myself destitute, no money, nowhere to live, on the bones of my arse..., I know for a fact, the first thing out of their mouths would be..., "What do you need?" This to me is the whole unconditional thing. They would never ask for anything in return..., they love and care for me, and I them. That is true friendship.

In life, we will have many relationships, some good, some bad, and some indifferent..., but in the end..., and what we are all striving for I think..., is six people that will will not shrink away from the burden..., if you know what I mean?

So this is Christmas..., and what have you done?

The day has arrived..., Santa is home..., for some well deserved rest.., the reindeer are fed and watered..., having been ridden hard!

Well..., ok..., maybe not that hard...

What a day!! Well for me it is almost over, but for most of you that follow, or just lurk, it is probably not yet started...., I guess, being your future is a kind of cool feeling HA HA!

I do have some very interesting friends..., this below was one of my presents...

Yes that is a soft toy..., and yes it is a squid..., I have no idea why..., but to be honest,I really do quite like it. Weird huh?

Well..., what can I say..., gifts were well recieved, form all angles. Food was wonderful, adn the company was pretty decent as well.

So here it is..., to all of you who follow, and to those that just lurk as well....,



I wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! And all the best for the New Year!

Roll on 2010!

Music Post - Thinking of him...

Gotta lighten the mood....

Was a little wet here today, but still pretty warm. Just perfect "Get you r clothes off weather"....

Now I have a machine gun..., Ho Ho Ho!

So you remember way back when..., well..., ok, so last Monday. I said I spent some time with my family over the last weekend..., well you remember why? I tell you, when you put someone in the ground..., it really brings death into stark relief. I know that, deep down, we should see funerals as a celebration of the life in question..., but I really just can't do that. In fact..., to be honest, I find the situation rather laughable.

That sounds bad I know..., but personally, I would much rather not have lost the person in the first place..., I hate good byes...

So now I am going to talk about the one that I really find most distressing. To be fair, I rarely talk about it, but I think about him constantly. First though I should tell you a little something of my family...

Dad: Dad drives a truck for a living, is into restoring vintage tractors, loves country music and the beatles. He's a big guy, always has been..., not fat (though I admit he is getting that way in his old age!), just big, tall and strong..., I guess I have never lost that feeling of him since I was a kid. I love my father greatly..., he has always been there for me, and really is a great dad. Even after I came out to him. In fact to be honest, I think our relationship is better now than it ever was. It really is truly liberating (well it was for me anyway!), to be myself around him.

My Stepmother: Truly the greatest woman in my life. She works in education, though she has little of it..., and is probably one of the smartest people I know. She is also a far left wing, unionest..., something that causes some very interesting conversations (read arguements) around the dinner table! I love her dearly, she is more of a mother to me than my actual mum. She took me in when she didn't have to and has loved me dearly and unconditionally ever since. She was the first "Adult" I came out to.

My Mum: I love her, and she is also a very strong, independent and intelligent woman. Things is though, I have always just felt like an obstacle in her life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

My Stepdad: Don't really know him to be honest, but he seems like a decent enough chap.

My Brother (And family): My brother and I really haven't ever gotten along..., well ok, maybe when we were really small for a couple of years. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and that rift grew considerably when he hit puberty, effectively leaving me behind. I do care for him, and I am pretty sure he cares for me, but as I said, we don't really get along..., we are just too different. My brother lives in Sydney Australia, with his Australian wife, and very cute baby daughter. I have only met his wife twice, and have only seen my niece in photos. Still they look happy and I wish them all the best.

My Step Sister: She and I get along well, though I first met her at 15, when I was 13. She is in between me and my brother. I love her a great deal, but she has some very interesting (Read selfish and obnoxious) views on life. She also has a daughter, and I always laugh at how so alike the two are.

I also have two stepbrothers, that I have never met, and to be honest, I have no idea what they are like. So I can't really say much about them here.

As the core family unit..., my dad, my stepmum (who I call Mum), my brother, my stepsister, and I are pretty tight, when it all comes down to it. Everyone else, is kinda on the fringe. When I think of home, I think of dad, and my stepmum..., very telling in my opinion.



So anyways, getting back to main point..., there is one other...., my baby brother, who I have only met in my dreams. He was the son, of my dad and my stepmum, and he was never supposed to happen. I don't mean that in a nasty way..., my stepmum had had to have her bits taken out (A legacy afforded her by her bastard of a first husband..., eventually I will do him as much harm, as he did to her!), and was supposed to not be able to have kids.

That didn't stop my little bro though..., he managed to attach himself to her stomach, and had gotten almost the whole way. He was 5 months when they found him..., and it came down to him or her..., they chose her. When they operated they did try to save him, but he was just too little..., he only lasted about 20 minutes..., but he fought..., by Christ did he fight..., his little heart just wasn't strong enough.

I have never forgiven the divine powers for allowing this to happen..., my stepmum always wanted kids, was desperate for them in fact. This was the ultimate in teases..., I hate the "Supposedly" Divine for that. He took that something with so much potential from all of us...., and I don't think he even cares what he has done to us...., poor little guy never even got a chance.

My little bro would have been 16 this year..., just old enough to be interesting. I often wonder what he would have made of himself. What he would be doing. Would he be sporty and smart like me, sporty and charming like my brother, extroverted and way out there like my stepsis? Probably just like my dad...., with a little hint of my stepmum..., that would have been a sight to see. I miss him deeply..., especially at this time of year.

Christmas, is my favourite time of the year..., I get that from dad..., it is the only time of the year, that I get to see him like a little kid again..., I really love that. I know that my little bro would be just the same..., I really would have liked to have had the chance to know him damnit! I so much want him in my life...

I miss you little bro..., as always..., all I have is yours, I will see you soon...

“Weird quiet guy in the corner”…

So…, it’s been a while huh? First off I guess I should mention that, all is relatively fine in my world. Back is still a little tender, but I can live with it. Job still sucks, and I can’t get anyone to swap any days over Christmas…, yeah great team spirit huh?

Speaking of team spirit…, gotta love the watch words for the company INTEGRITY, HONESTLY, LOYALTY. Well…, on that note, my team had their Christmas dinner tonite. First, it was set at a time that not all could attend, second the team leader didn’t manage to organise cover, third the National Call Centre Manager said that she didn’t have the authority to close the help desk early. So no loyalty there then, no honesty either, and integrity…, well, I guess it just goes to show, how they really value their staff. Once again the day crew gets the party, and the night crew gets the shaft.

Without lube I might add!!!

So anyways…, spent some time with the family, over the weekend. I went home to finally lay my grandmother to rest. It’s been a year, since the funeral and cremation. Was a lovely day, weather wise, as we put her into the ground. Just the family, and some of her very close friends.

Afterwards we went to the uncle’s hobby block, for a good ole get together. I tell you my family doesn’t do things by halves…, there was three BBQ’s running for the most of the day, as stragglers came and went. Plenty of good food and drink. The young boys even had their train running. They have a small scale replica steam train, that fully operational, runs around a track laid across the property.

Well…, by now I am sure, you are wondering about the post title. Let me give you a little backstory… When I was very little, my dad moved us away…, not sure why, but he needed to be away from family for a while. So for the first ten years of my life, we were very isolated. Hence I have none of the shared experiences that the rest of my cousins do. Add to that, that I am on the fenceline as to ages go, My next youngest cousins are all under 18, and my next oldest are all over 40. So as you can see, at 31, I am smack bang in the middle.



 This makes it very difficult to connect to anyone really, hence I end up being the “Weird quiet guy in the corner”. I just can’t seem to feel the same way about them, that they feel about me. At these gatherings I tend to drop my usual, happy carefree persona, and come across all shy and introspective. Though I must admit that my family are not ones to let that stop them. In fact I even had a couple of really good conversations.

It seems that my secret life, or at least what I thought that they didn’t know, is not so secret after all. I mean shit…, since I came out, and even before that, I never really kept it hidden, But on the same token I never advertised it either. So I can remember saying the phrase “Jesus! Does everyone know?” several times. It was however gratifying to watch them take it in their stride. To be honest, none of them cared really.

I guess in that way I am really lucky.

Tis the season to deck my balls....

Wow it has almost been a week..., guess I really have been....



Sorry about the title, I find it amusing in my odd mood at the moment. Plus I hope you liked my intro track to this post...., gotta love the classics.

So anyways, the reports of my untimely death, from the knitting needles of old ladies in disguise, have been greatly over exaggerated it seems. Yes I am not dead!

I really am just so tired, this days brings me halfway on my mammoth nine day stretch, and to top it off I have thrown my back out! So not only have I already worked five days, I have inscrutiating pain..., and another four days to look forward to. Don't grow up kids..., being an adult sucks arse..., and in no way that is even remotely pleasant.

Still there is one thing to look forward to, and this brings me back to that wholly..., or is it holy..., hmm perhaps holly..., inspired, yet totally inappropriate post title. CHRISTMAS! I love Christmas, it is my most favourite time of year. Still sometimes I wish it would snow..., I really would like a white Christmas just once. Still I guess I can't complain, with my balmy sunny weather, and tidy yet scantily clad boys running around.

YAY ME!!

Well back soon..., have fun peoples.