Left or right.

I am really confused.

Should I go left or right.

All of you know I use my blardee heart to think... and I don't really know if I should follow my heart or think rationally about work nowadays.

There are just swamp and heaps of starfish to be picked up and thrown back into the sea. And no matter how hard I tried to pick them up ... I never get encouraged to continue. If fact people are telling me to go easier on myself.

I don't mind dying to help others ... yet it seems wrong to do so. I really don't know anymore. Help.

It just felt like walking in the rain ...

Today someone asked me a question ... she asked "Are you ok?"

Yar it may seem like something so normal and common... but when these few words come from someone who is priority number 1 and has a permanent "neutral state of mind" ... it just feels different.

It feels different because at that second, time just stops... it seemed to be a bit longer ... and you get a feeling... that you are walking in the rain but there is an angel beside you.

'Sleeping in' it doesn't really exist... haha

I just realize I am immune against the words 'sleeping in' haha. Seriously.

I came back at 2, a bit tipsy... and I fell asleep immediately. Before I slept I remembered thinking about sleeping in...

But God Dammit! I woke up at 615! worried I was going to be late for work! Argh someone help me! haha.

Just have to be stronger.

I think I had one of the worst day in my career today.

I cried in class and my students offered me tissue. I guess I cracked because I was worried about them and I had only 2 hours of sleep.

Next I got scolded because my exam paper was badly set. And now I am rushing for the deadline. Not to mentioned I was late to meet my supervisor... just because my students needed extra help.

Lastly I was so looking forward to Remedial Training so I can distress myself ... but due to the weather and bad traffic... I was late. Worst was I wasn't allowed to sign in... WTF...

I think that is enough of whining... I decided that the best thing to do now is to be stronger. My children need me and I will willingly give everything I can.

And I guess it does help when you have a BFFE and friends who tell you to be stronger. Yar that rocks.

A series of random and usually events - 8th Sep 2009

Dear Diary,

Today was another hectic despite the fact I was on 'Holiday'. Started out with remedial, a 'pep talk' session with the students and a afternoon in school which lasted me about 2 hours... damm I wasted my time. haha.

However, I guess I was more determined then yesterday to enjoy myself during the school holidays. So I met my 'BFFFE' for dinner and she was kind enough to accompany me to the CD stall at 915 pm. I really enjoy my time at the cd shop... as I was able to unleash my 2 week worth of suppressed desire of CD therapy... so yeah that was pretty cool and unusual. Thank you Geri for being nice enough to accompany for the evening. Its not something that happens everyday and it really cheered me up.

Next, I went over to join my JC classmates for a friend's birthday. I may seemingly be viewed as a person without a lot of free time but honestly I really try to meet up if I can. So today I decided to go the extra mile and make the effort to attend a special friend's birthday, even though we aren't that close anymore. I am glad my friends invited me over cause the company and the chill out session probably was the finale for the night... Not to mention how great the food was and my friend's new cafe really rocks. So yar if I ever wanna have a simple meal or a gathering with my friend I probably bring them to the Ice Edge Cafe off Simon Road.

Yeah... I am still here at 150 am... doing my work and listening to Natalie Imbruglia's song Glorious... and yar, maybe as the song goes... its only right if we expect something special a day.

Love,
Leon

P.S.
It is great when you get what you want... like red wine when you ask for some. And close friends when you thought everyone else was busy.

A series of random and usually events - 7th Sep 2009

7th Sep 2009

Dear Diary,

This would be the first official post of my 'holiday journal' where I would attempt to document the stupid things i do during the holidays. Amidst all the rush to meet deadlines, one should still find time to enjoy his or herself because this is after all a holiday for us. If not, life would be so mundane and boring. So I have decided to do ultra random things that I would find difficult to accomplish during a normal work day. I believe this way I would feel so much better. O... I even coined a name for all these holiday post... "A series of random and usually events".

So today, the task I choose to fulfill was to run a 2.4km that was not timed or monitored. Most of my runs are either timed or monitored using my heart rate monitor. But just to be different I decided to run at 2am without any restrictions. Yes, it is rather 'cheap thrill' and insignificant but at least I get to do something I never did before on a normal day. Now that is the objective right?

I guess it helps because at least now I FEEL BLARDEE HIGH.

So I am looking forward to tomorrow's random activity. And hopefully I do maintain a discipline to continue blogging. Readership is important after all right?

Love,
Leon


P.S.
O yes... I almost forgot. Happy Birthday Minggers... I know you will never read this cause my readership has totally gone down the drain... but yeah, your Birthday surprise gathering made me feel a bit better because the day was seemingly going to be depressing due to the work review session with my mini-boss. The noodles rock, Aunty Wong was a great sport ( I am not bullshitting or apple polishing) and simply the company of friends is well appreciated. O yar minggers... Adidas rocks but Nike is the only one I will support. haha.

High!

What makes u high?

I think washing clothes make me high... all the detergent and the thought of fresh new clothes! haha

Serious... we have weird fantasies... maybe you can share your thoughts in the comments?

Muhahahaha!

Running after taking a long break...

I been gone from the work place for 2 weeks; to serve my country and join the green forces.

Tomorrow I need to go back... but I am really not ready. I can feel it in my heart. Yet, I cannot clear it out of my heart.

And maybe Beryl is right... Time to just rest and get everything sorted out tomorrow. I mean people will understand right? I didn't purposely ignore all my work. But my mind and life was so different... It seems like for the past 2 weeks, I lived in a strange world... and now to go back to teaching...

It seems like asking a car to jump from 1st gear to 5th gear immediately. The intentions are there... but it ain't an easy task to perform.

No time no time no time!

I wish I can blog... Got so much to say... so much to tell.

But I think the only reason why I manage to stay sane without blogging is because I still have a lot of people around me. But there are so many more people I wish I can talk to... damm lar... how come there are so much constrains in life.

Well, the policy is clear... I will make an effort to visit my friends rather then spend time on cyberspace. I see how the internet has changed our younger generation makes me worried... well the only way I enjoy staying in contact is to go out. Yar. So drop me a message... I will be there!

A series of bad nights and I am still here ... wide awake.

Once again I am still wide awake. At the ungodly hours of the morning.

I don't really know how I manage to keep awake without yawning. But I have slowly grown to accept this 'curse' and use it to my advantage. With my 'super-human' ability to stay awake... I have gradually finished up piece of work from the office and I believe when I enter class tomorrow... my little children will be appreciative of it. haha.

The only thing is I will crush badly tomorrow and I may find it way more difficult to control my emotions... but for my little children, I have to learn to control my anger. For this is my curse, not theirs.

I believe there is no solution but to see a doctor soon. I am really worried why the hell I am wide awake at this moment. Well, I am not really sadden by it. In fact, I am trying to be humorous at 0256 hrs... how amazing. Haha.

1,2,3,4 - A song that reminds you of hope

I think the world needs a bit more love.

And this song is exactly the kind of song, that gets stuck in your head and gets its job done. Well it gives you a particular warm and bubbly feeling. Something the world needs a bit more of.

Well, thanks to Lynn for reminding me (on a boring weekend) that such a song existed in my collection and to Beryl who told me that the songs keeps telling her that there is 'hope' of finding love. Something the world needs a bit more of.

Well, I personally wouldn't say the song reminds me of finding someone special to love... I think its a bit tough now... I am enjoying life the way it is and Ms 'close to Mrs right' isn't anywhere to be found ... yet. haha. But it did reminded me of being more giving. Of late, I have been so busy, I only meet up with my usual homies... I wish I had more time to meet up with my other love ones... but it seems so tough. Well maybe this song will tell you... and me ... that we need to try loving one another more... and show love during these tough periods... Something the world needs a bit more of.

1,2,3,4 - Plain White T's
(Watch it here)

1,2 - 1 2 3 4
give me more lovin then i've ever had.
make it all better when i'm feelin sad.
tell me that i'm special even when i know i'm not.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
barely gettin mad,
im so glad i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy,
as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.
(i love you)
give me more lovin from the very start.
piece me back together when i fall apart.
tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
best that i've had.
[ Plain White T's Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
im so glad that i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.i love you
(i love you)
you make it easy, its easy as 1234
theres only one thing two do three words four you i love you
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
thats what ill do i love you
(i love you)
i love you i love you.
one two three four i love you.
(iloveyou)
i love you
(i love you)

its so tough when you need to choose between 2 'right' choices

Option 1: You serve your mc...
Stay away from kids and colleagues so they don't get infected.
Take care of your health and get more rest.
Stay away from school because the government policy is such during this period.

Option 2: You go back to school after being given mc for flu and cold...
Clear up syllabus for 2 maths class.
Settle matters with regard to form class.
Settle admin.
Lead by example as you seem so focused on student learning.

Now you tell me which one is the right thing to do?
well... I will decide tomorrow morning...

Hopefully I don't regret any choice.

Time to close the Chapter?

Today we graduated. The ceremony wasn't too grand. There wasn't champagne.

Only photos to remember the day.

In many ways, I attend the ceremony only to meet my friends. To see how people were doing. And I am glad most of you are doing fine.

Even though the whole event was supposed to be "emotionally detaching" (Because it just didn't feel special to graduate this time around) I am feeling a bit rotten. Inside me. I don't really know why but sometimes you get so tired about certain things... you wish things end instantly. But they don't seem that way.

When I drove into campus today... I couldn't help but remember staying in hall. All my friends. A great room mate to accompany you. Dinner. Movies. I remembered waking up late for lessons. Listening to tunes like no one cared. Beer. Smokes. All the freedom I had.

As I reached for my D50... I realized something. Something that made me kept my camera in my bag... something that sadden me a bit.

The sad thing is I realized... I never captured all the little small things that I would want to remember on film. We never had much photos of us doing things that defined us or amused us. Photos that show the freedom we once had.

I think I am slowly losing my interest in taking pictures... maybe its because I have lost focus. I think changes in our lifestyle and ideals from society have led me to lose focus... I don't really know. Perhaps its time to remember who I really am. When does the search end? For now maybe we just forget about 'what could have been' and to go on with the next part of our lives... maybe this time around I will try doing things the way I would prefer it to be? I hope I can.

A very lovely weekend

This week I been blessed.

I started to get a hang on teaching... I manage to finish what I intended to teach and the children are happy. It surely is satisfying.

But more importantly, you get to spend a weekend with your love ones.

It started out with lunch with my colleagues and my students in the canteen. Although it was raining and we couldn't go out for lunch ... we manage to have a good hour chatting with the students and catching up with various colleagues.

Next, I am very satisfied with my running timing. I manage to cut down on my 2.4 timing and I find it less tiring to do the fat burning runs. Maybe its time to take one step further and run a bit longer.

Of cause a good weekend cannot be started without drinks... haha yar I am a bit on the alcoholic side but you all cannot blame me. Clubbing and drinking are just essential to a weekend because of the shit load of stuff you have to look into during the week.

Next the lovely outings that I had over the weekend made it clear that life isn't simply about surviving. Its also about enjoying it with friends. Brunch, shopping, hanging out at macdonalds, a simple pizza, spicy drumlets, beer at happy days and the long car rides kept the weekend so much more exciting.

Obviously, a weekend can never be possible without friends. So thank you laremy, yanhe, ben, wongs, khid, S house juniors, jean and geri for meeting me over the weekend. I am glad we had a chance to meet up and such. I think 'life' (as we dream of it) like is just immpossible to exist without you folks.

Breaking down.

Mr L: "pooooof! Damm Shag"
Me: "Yar same here."
Mr. L: "Hey wanna go for lunch"
Me: "Yeah, I don't mind but give me a while... I just scolded my class and I think I am emotionally stressed"
Mr. L: "Same, I just scolded my class."
Me: "Yar me too."

That was a conversation I had with my colleague this after just before lunch. Today for the first time in a long while. I let my emotions out, not infront of my students at least.

For too long I have been trying to smile and motivate (I think psyching) myself to be very patient and to tolerate students.

But today, after trying so hard for sometime, I started to feel myself again. I felt that connection with the kids. When you know they know you are upset and you sort of affected them as well. And I do feel rotten inside. The children are so young ... and I feel their pain as they are stressed to perform and confine.

Why can't kids just grow up the way they are or want to be? They are bright no doubt but it is seriously painful to seem them 'included' in an educational system, where some of them would choose to leave if given the choice.

Yar, you can say they would have less of a chance to be successful outside school... I tell myself that too... but at least they chose. I really don't want to punish or discipline them... because I would not want myself to go thru such shit... for once since JC... I see myself in their position... young and dangerous... angry and confused.

I swear today I wanted to cry ... But I know I cannot breakdown. No choice, if you choose to educate... you must inspire perservance ... I am glad I didn't breakdown today... but only time will tell who the fuck we really are.

A bit of nostalgia ... on a day we remember our youth.

It feels good to be given a 'day-off' from teaching. You get a chance to sleep in, take a break and do things you want to do.

So if you all know me well enough, what will I do on a free day? Well I probably will do the things that I loved the most... like swimming and buying cds. haha. Yar, and I purposely went to Queenstown swimming complex... My favourite pool cos no one swims there. Then I headed down to Holland Village's Gramaphone... just to buy cds.

But the high light was eating at eddy's western food stall. Its located near heartland mall, Kovan. It was the shop I used to go when I was a youth. And I managed to eat my favourite chicken cutlet.

After the meal I sat by the void deck and lighted a cigarette, I looked back at a simple but meaningful day. And sometimes when you just stop trying to cope with 'life' you realize its always good to look in the past for some form of 'retro' feeling. Because it reminds you that we should stop trying once in while to survive but live a life that we once enjoyed. How many times have we forgotten who we really are because we cease to see the important point in life. That is enjoying it.

I don't really know how to say this...

I always thought I wasn't good enough for anything... like in work, project groups, making jokes, treating friends well, relationships ... and of cos having that bit of success. People, even my close buds, always laughed at me for all the silliest things I do or say.

In fact... I was never confident in doing anything or achieve something great.
Example:
Instead of aiming high for my assignment grades (after being demoralized badly) ... I told myself, Just before I checked my results... "Ok, I think I will just pass... anything better is a bonus. Well aim low and if you get that great at least you won't feel bad." And in the end I got a credit (one grade above pass) for my assignment.

But last night... an email from Dr. Harvey Neo... made me believe a little bit more in myself. In fact... at least I know for now... I have left a piece of myself in written history... and yar... My ISM got published... in a journal.

I hope you don't read this as a note to boast about myself... because I know that there are so many of you who are much better then me, I was just lucky... and as usually I 'listen to my heart'.

On many occasions, people will come and ask me about what to do about certain issues or problems... I can't really say much most of the time... because you live your life the way you want it to be. But I always end up saying... "just listen to your heart and everything will be fine."

I think the little success I have today, tells me that this way of thinking can be successful. I didn't care if I was going to do well or if it was a better topic to score... I looked around like a flaneur, saw something that captured my attention and followed my gut instincts all the way... of cos, along the way... I just listened to my heart and tried to do the best I could...

And it worked. But I realized this way, where you choose to follow your heart and your passion... you sort of feel better about yourself and the choices you make.

Weddings...

I think I am going to attend a wedding soon... or someone will tie the knot pretty soon, get engaged etc.

Why?

It cannot be a coincidence when one person watched 2 wedding movies, went wedding gown shopping with a bridesmaid, had the word 'wedding' mentioned a tons of times in conversations and saw so many wedding cars in a week... seriously.

So anyone who was just engaged or moved another step into love. Please prove that this isn't just all a coincidence... or is June just a month of love?

P.S.
Updated 22nd June 2009... Zifen and Vincent my wow friends were engaged... how scary is this... Just a day after this post...

Yes you get to choose how I look!

If you haven't known... I cannot live beyond the brand... meaning I am a brand whore. So recently I was shopping for the next pair of Oakley specs... and I cannot decide.

So now... I need you all, my dearer friends... to vote for me. Please let me know, by leaving a comment, is it Spec 1, 2, 3 or 4 that I should purchase. O yar... you can also recommend a second choice? haha

Keep in mind I most probably will use this specs for long and to teach... so please help me out and reply me by Sunday evening which pair should I buy!

Thanks!

Love Leon...
still always as confused...

Set 1: Colour - green

Set 2: Colour - black and white patterns

Set 3: Colour - tortise shell

Set 4: colour - 4

P.S. ... you don't get me cam whoring often... so please enjoy laughing at my stupid smile. haha

Words of a Himbo

Over the weekend while I was playing Mahjong, one of my 'himbotic' friends claimed that Macdonalds was healthy... the Mcspicy in particular

"Mcspicy is healthy what. It has vegetables." (Loh, 2009)

Ok. Now tell me who will agree with that. Haha.

TIme to be a thinker... a low quality one.

Gina and I came up with the cork 'poem'... do enjoy!
(I came up with 3 lines, so the 'failness' comes from me not her)

"The moon is so bright,
My heart is in blight.
Something is not right,
Just feel like giving up the fight."

Ok, Please comment. haha.

Series 5 - Things just get whackier now a days

Okie back... after a long period of absence, I am back to bring some joy into your life.
Hope you enjoy these cork photos... haha

What a shop... I am sure the adventures are liberating... haha

Legend has it that Doraemon had ears to begin with...

I wonder who stays on this road...

A message on a children's notebook...
Am I suppose to feel emo or laugh?

Stop being prejudice against Asians...
We are more interesting that this...

What sort of drink is 'heavy'?

What happen to 'day-light' robbery?

This belongs to some anal cleaner...

Canon 10000
who the *&^% came up with such a brand!

How can a poster know there are 6 more parking lots?

'EEE' Club
Must be very scary or dirty.

'Salar' (wrong in Malay)
Should stay off this product

This packet of grapes cost 39 bucks...

Ten Ten Ten Tennnnnn!

What sort of emergency exit needs ADULT SUPERVISION?

You wouldn't go wrong if you are trying to impress
the mother-in-law with this gift!

Ivan Read this!

Ivan the show is at 950 at ANG MIO KIO HUB CATHAY

I will pick nana up later?

Meet us at cathay please

My number is 98469639 Gina is 98552725

4.28 am.

Its been like that for days again.

Its is some god forsaken hour and I am still awake. I don't feel tired. Plus, I don't even feel like sleeping.

Sometimes it is a amazing how all this is happening... I just had a day full of tiring activities... but I still cannot get to bed. I have no mood to tend to any other matters. All I do is watch TV. Stare blankly outside my window. Listen to music... But after 2 hours of trying... I am here, trying to document this event.

Argh.

Timeless.

You can be amazed at how long you can sit down with friends and talk about almost everything. Especially when you have not really met up in a long while.

Even after talking for hours... you still don't feel like leaving. And... the conversation can probably go on and on for hours if we did not have to sleep or go and attend to other stuff.

O yar, Gina and Ivan... I bathe. Unlike what you believe in.

A tomato can waiting to explode.

So much is happening nowadays... I think my mind and body can't really take it...

Insomnia is back... because I do not get the fatigue in the day to set me sleeping at night...

Once again there are many expectations to live up to... and I can only choose to entertain some. Its not like your demanded by everyone... But I feel there is a need to agree/settle somethings about many things.

It does not really feel good inside as well. Something happen recently and set me thinking again. As Liling will probably know I am utterly confused when it comes to death. I really hate that word ... yet sometimes I wish the end was near. I really think pain last much longer then happiness. And a preoccupied and confused life does not really help much.

Actually when I finally got to 'spend' sometime with an old friend yesterday... I wished I could have been a bit more concerned with people around me. I think guilt is consuming me slowly...

But am I really that heartless?

Maybe I just need to be a bit more organized. Ok, its time to stop questioning myself. And do something for people who matter.

O thanks Cheri ... "Concentrate on the living". Your right it makes sense.

"Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won't bloom
Winter's kept you
Don't waste your whole life trying

To get back what was taken away"

Kristy, are you doing okay? - The Offspring

Wow! Thats Great!

Yar, thanks to Chong Hans, my recent weekends have been filled with the phrase: "Wow! Thats Great!" ... but that is not the main story for the day.

I have been 26th for 2 days and so far... Its really great being a year older. Its been a long time since I am this happy... seriously.

I don't ask for presents. Many of you should know. I think its just great receiving simple stuff that makes me happy on my birthday like these...

1) a nice couple who drive you around (thanks Geri and Jarrod),
2) a full load of 'crappy' jokes, ultra cork comments like 'Wow! Thats Great!' (dammit minggers!), 'The illuminati and the illuminator... ', 'the arrows point to the carpark', stupid little movie sound effects,
3) a beautiful evening at orchard with an exciting movie lined up... , dinner and drinks with friends at a place we frequent...
4) the gift of the moment (ever since I failed my IPPT)... a Polar heartrate monitor (Thanks ganners for remembering and Minggers and Geri for sharing it... you probably just gave me like 5 more years of live expectancy... smokers die at an average age of 52 ~ 55)...
5) and of cause... a happy birthday 'surprise' in random places like Cineleisure.

Well when you throw in all these... I think I can't ask for more this year. Its already been an amazing evening and an ultra birthday...

But I think everything was possible because my dear friends simply rock. Seriously. Without people like these... birthday surprises and birthday outings would never exist. Right? So thank you Joseph, Charmaine, Adeline, Minggers, Jarrod, Geraldine and Joey for taking time off on a Saturday night to celebrate and laugh at me (whats new right?) on my birthday. Haha.

I think my 26th birthday was special.

I think the older I get... the better my birthdays get as well... yar seriously... Last year was probably the best birthday I ever had ... Who can forget the 'violet punk' and all those scrap paper after exams.

But this year was just as sweet... Their was a day packed with stuff, meals and sms messages. And who can forget alcohol, music, birthday cake and friends... although it wasn't a night that we got too drunk, I still loved the evening a lot.

So to recap the nice cool gathering at global sounds cafe ...
There was Stacy, who was nice enough to offer me a sit and drinks. Princess Siew (ever so bossy and demanding) and Jelly who were munching all the time. Adrc and Xuan for their 'hanky panky' act during the intermission. Rita, scrubs and Jilyn who were talking non-stop for the entire night and bursting into the occasional laughs. Elissa the 'I am not drunk but my face is totally red' drunkard haha. Attik who was there to steal the show... twice... once the mic, then the drums. Lorraine who gave a surprise visit. Seng Lee who was so enthu about playing cards but too bad they didn't have a deck. Ain who was checking out cute boys... o the lead guitarist. Faisal and his 'ribbon' vest. Emelynn, Clarissa, Hongyi and Engwhee who popped by after work... Eng Hwee I hope you found the surprise... old punks can work twice. Afidah and Jamal who were probaby 'couple' gossiping about stuff. Jasmine who was taking the whole entire night to get ready to club... haha. And to Dawa and phonics one... Great show, I will be there again!

Yeah... I think you guys did make the entire evening a pleasant surprise! Thanks for the presents as well. It reinforces the idea that your good friends are those who will 'listen' carefully to what you really need... an exercise ball (must be Paul or Dawa), the Sushi Teh card I always needed and wanted... thanks Jilyn you always rock as a close friend and the Munchkin expension pack... I think scrubs is responsible for this... cause I don't tell most people what I do for gatherings, you're an exception for random reasons I do tell you what I do over the weekends... sometimes only. And Rita, xuan and Ain (? I am clueless who is involved), thanks for getting the 'ball rolling' ... I think so lar. Where are my Gramaphone vouchers? Haha.

I would like to say, I enjoyed my 26th Birthday with you dudes. It was super lovely. Trust me haha.

P.S. If I did not credit you, I have nothing against you... but being a surprise... It isn't easy to guess who was involved at all. So sorry if I missed you out. But Thanks!

My Sister rocks!

I think it isn't too difficult to get a gift for me... I only shop at one place. haha.

But my sister still rocks... cause she could hide all suspicion from me and buy me the actual shirt I wanted.

I think buying shirts for people isn't that easy... but when I saw the quiksilver bag... Haha I know what I wanted is inside. Cause anything from that shop rocks my socks.

That is how easy I am satisfied. But surprisingly... even 'she' did not realize that when we were together... Just a thought... I am not straying donot worries people!

When effort is not everything.

I feel tired again.

Both physically and mentally.

What happens when effort is not enough.

When you tired all your means to put in place stuff and everything else seems to point the other direction. It seems as perfect as it was ... then things get ...

Its like everything is ready, even the 'east wind' (Romance of the 3 Kingdoms) but when everything is cast in motion... everything crumbles.

Argh. I really feel.... argh... less motivated to do things. Argh!!!!!

Normal

Thanks for all your simple messages.

I am really happy to receive all the messages of concern recently. But I am ok ... its quite normal to be sad right?

I am not really sad by the way. Its just that life is really life that. We are so busy with the same old stuff day in and day out... We lose track of time and all the things that are really important. And when you look back... its a sad feeling. But everyone gets that right?

It isn't the end of the world because it is normal. The truth is... I feel... even when we work hard enough... We just don't get our dreams or have our way. That is the truth.

I have always dreamt of teaching in a poorer country... where the temperature is chilly but it is sunny as well... Like early autumn in a temperate country. I often envision 'myself' to be pretty well like by the students there... and every time I end the class... I will hear the students' laughter all around me... and no one talks about the pressurizing grades. Yet everyone talks about what they have learnt for that day and how they can improve the environment.

That is my dream... I can 'see' it clearly when I offer myself sometime to 'wander'. But it just does not happen... even if I want it to. There are just too many complications for this dream to come true.

I think for now... I have come to terms with it... Life is not about me or my dreams. Now matter how hard I try... somethings cannot be changed. But while I continue to believe this way... I have seen another goal... that life is always about others... and I have found joy in that.

Yar, that is the way life is for me. I can complain and sound super 'emo' but I guess sometimes what my expressions in this blog spell is ... 'Normal'.

"Sometimes you find your destiny on the road you took to avoid it."
Wilhelm Wexler in 'The International' (2009)

I feel like i am drowning...

For months I have been swimming endlessly. And I am very tired.

The water is very cold and I have to swim alone. I have a life jacket... but I am worried it doesn't work. Instead of giving me security, I keep worrying about its ability to function. It feels like a burden at times...

O, there have been Island of warmth along the way... and I find spaces of rest and comfort on these islands... but mysteriously they too change over time and I have to move on... back into the chilling water...

The journey isn't all that bad... I see angels along the way... they cheer me up... some are familiar, some are distant, some come and go... but they are never around all the time.

Sometime ago... I started seeing shadows beneath me... There seem to be more then one type of shadows... I wonder are they fishes or rocks... I can't dive to take a clearer view... I am not too experience to dive down... Well I still swim on... In the cold waters...

Hey I see fins... I am worried. They seem to be fishes now... but are they sharks or dolphins? They look alike ... Well I can not decide... but I still have to swim...

But recently ... I feel the anxiety getting to me... I start worrying more... about the life jacket and the fishes beneath me... I start to freak out.

I wish the islands will reappear again and the angels would pick me up soon... I feel so tired I feel like drowning... My heart cannot really take it...

Hey an island is ahead! O my how I wish for it to be nearer! Great a time to rest... not now but soon...

Well I guess I will swim as hard as I can now. The island is the only motivation. I like swimming... but the waters can be cold and boring at times... So yeah... I have to continue feeling lost again. Well I am sure angels await me on the island in front of me.

Its been a long time since I had an attack...

AHHHHH!

The only reason why I would post at this time is obvious...

I am having an Insomnia attack! It is like the first in a long while...

Okie I am going to watch tv to try to sleep. Argh... I am going to have a bad day tomorrow. I can so feel it.

Piracy ... sorry Dawa and Descrates

Piracy... something we are all guilty of...

But then again like what Dawa said... How can we be original? Everything there is to say has been said (with reference to social studies examination papers).

Then how original can we get? If what we thought of probably has been mentioned or done by someone out there... all our 'creations' are actually (unwillingly) a 'simulacra' of somebody else thinking.

Think about... even thoughts like how you can surprise a friend have probably been used before... they probably came from some other person idea or some visual/ verbal cue... which probably is another 'simulacra'... yar it goes on and on like the song that does not end or like the infinite images between 2 mirrors.

So "are we human or are we just dancers?" (The Killers, 2009). Are we 'creators' or are with just mere performers? Do we identify with thinking or do we just copy?

I cannot answer that question ( I am sure there will be a bombardment via sms, email or simply get flamed if I attempt to). But I think we are humans because we have a heart and a will to decide. What makes us 'creators' are the motivations behind our actions. And we are probably entities that can thinking because of our will (consciouness) to motivate ourselves to do so.

So Descrates... I am sorry I adapted from your thinking... Cause I guess you are right... we are human after all... but while I was thinking about the thought ("who is original"), I think self questioning (which is a bit psycho) is like a good way to reply to that question.

Shuts time to sleep. I think I convince myself to do that at least. haha.

A bit more sober... seriously

I had too much to drink over the weekend. So much so, I had to suffer muscle aches and drowsiness for 2 whole days... Sat and Sun. It was so bad ... I constantly felt like sleeping... kind of 'sit out' the entire 2 days...

I think I am better today after waking up to reality that I have so much work to do at the workplace... Argh.

But I think its all worth it. Had a chance to spend 3 evenings with Mingers, Joe and Ganners... which we (or me at least) miss out for quite sometime. I feels odd though. The entire period, I felt so much younger. It seemed like we all went back to our university days where work life balance was super 'imba' ... well we played too much back then haha. And most of all we had the opportunities to sit down and talk about our lives, reflect on our directions and remember those times we cheerish so dearly.

I wish I had more time. Because I still see so much potential in life, especially with friends. I really dislike being 'sober'. I wish I can remain 'drunk'. But then, its a wish and a thought... the reality is we are 'sober' for other practical reasons.

Yet its moments and times with friends that inject the possibilities of dreams and the satisfaction of work life balance. No harm dreaming right? Haha. So yar... we should all take a step back and see what with have been missing out... I believe if you do it with the help of your friends, our lives will be much more fulfilling.

Don't you wish you had a delete button?

I think its very odd how we exist without an accessible 'delete' button to some of our memory.

I was reminded of a saying 'Right-side in. Left-side out.' (referring to information not being retained by the brain). Then I realize how I wish some things heard or remembered could be 'deleted' as easy with a touch of the fingertip.

I still remember embarrassing moments from Primary school which pop out once in a while and obviously the more recent hurtful words being mentioned by friends. Sometimes remembering certain memories can really turn your day upside down.

I wish I can just 'throw' these pointless and worthless memories away. I don't appreciate them at all. Its just a simple waste of space. Yet it still harbours around and around... like how Voldemort constantly irritates Harry, and us, with the irritating words of "Harry, Harry, Harry....". Argh.

Goodbye Paramount... We will miss you.

We grew up there.

Most of us, my secondary school friends, did. But recently I met a girl that remembers place as well as I will.

This girl I knew used to hang out at the 'paramount' after school. She would often eat the 'char kway teow' at the coffeeshop near the place... or go to the old records stall at the end of the street. And whenever she had the time and cash, she would try to catch the latest movies with her friends at the cinema. She misses that place... I can tell from her story she told me recently. I felt the same way too.

I too experienced the same thing... I would hang out at the 'paramount' to play arcade games after school. X-men, KOF, Metal Slug or Street Fighter. You name it, they had it. And every once in a while, we would wait for the occasional chance to play pool or billiards when there was a free table. And I remembered having to run away once because the uncle suspected we were underage.

Like the girl... I grew up there with my best mates from Saint Gabriels. That 'girl' was my mother, a 'gardens kid'. Although I never stayed at gardens before... I am also a 'garden kid'... someone who spent most of his/her time at gardens after school... to engaged in activities that can only be 'lived' when we were young.

Even though my mum and I hang out there in different eras... we both felt attached to the place. As old as we are... when I look back at the photos I do remember myself as a teenager again; living among my memories in the photograph. It feels at the moment... magical... because time stops and you get a chance to see your teenage life again.

I miss the building and its 'places of meaning'. I believe many of you do as well.

Where 'Fun world' used to be.
I can still hear the 'hardoken' or the sound of billard balls hitting one another

Stairway of escape.
I remembered running down this flight of stairs to get away from the uncle at the billiard centre.

Surgery of 'Paramount'
I managed to capture the beginning of the destruction to this memoriable place my mother and I shared.

Finally ... I am on Flickr!

After all these years of people hounding me to share pics... I decided to do it by using Flickr.

Why Flickr? Cause its really easy... sweet. Next, I think Flickr seems why more built for photographers then other image hosting websites or communities out there. Flickr seems to be developed more for the purpose of sharing photos and not for networking. I think in that way, I get show you all stuff I have been capturing while avoiding a lot of distractions.

So the first 'set' I have was from Sunday's Raw Duathlon 2009, where Joey and Willie took part while a whole bunch of 'race crew' were on scene to support them from 6 am... argh! My beauty sleep!

O yar ... Thanks Geri... for introducing me to 'great' stuff, you have always been ever encouraging as a BFFAB (haha) and forever pestering me to get on flickr... yar I am finally here! And I am loving it!

Thrall the warchief!

So who is Thrall?

He is the Leader of the horde ... out Warchief... o yar 'my boss' in the world of warcraft... haha.

So a big part of the original warcraft lore surrounds him... He gives me the impression that he is like Genghis Khan where he unites all the same fraction of Orcs and trolls. In the end he allies with the Taurens and the undead to form the Horde... so the horde is like the fraction I come from.

I think the lore of WOW captures me alot. I play not to compete but to find out more about the lore and stuff. to actually greet and meet the key characters.

So this post is dedicated to the warchief. Why? Because around last week I actually fought next to him! Wow I got to fight side by side the legend himself... so it triggers me to tell my friends more about this character.

And yar, being a photgrapher, I took some screen shots to show you guys who the warchief is...

The Warchief calls to Arms!

The Warchief in battle

The ever continuing battle between Horde and the Alliance

The Warchief 'emos' with his best friend, Saurfang

O yar ... For the Horde!

Something a neighbor does.

Carol wong is my neighbor.

And as a neighbor, she is really far more 'giving' then many people. She loves to give and share stuff with her friends. And is probably little surprises that keep me going as well. But I insist I am 'giving' as well... 'giving' in the sense that I always have to tolerate the 'immpossible' goals and behavior of my lovely neighbor... Na Na Ni Pooh Pooh! haha!

So maybe I shall share something that my 'giving' neighbor gave.

http://www.stickmans.net/saddestbear/default.html

I don't really know how long it will remain there. But its really a great cartoon. Just like the fact that I don't really know how long carol will be my neighbor. But she really rocks just like the cartoon.

Thanks Wongs!

Its a bit scary... seriously.

Angels have ears! Or at least something or someone heard my stupid calls for attention...

Shit... I am going to sound very needy... but I am far from that. So here it goes...

It happen on Friday, I was thinking of going cycling alone... all I would like to have was peace alone. But actually I was wanting for anyone to ask me out. Therefore I posted a random 'call for a cycling partner' in MSN on Thursday. But I guess everyone was too busy or had others plans. I am not blaming anyone here.

Anyway the rain came and I had to waste my good Friday all alone... Well I went for a swim and I manage to watch live soccer at the stadium. haha.

So came Saturday and I was prepared for a day of being alone again after what happen on Friday. Well I had my work to accompany me. Haha.

But secretly I felt like ring Joey or Geri up to ask them to chill. But I didn't, cause I know Joey dislike traveling on weekends and he is better off training while Geri should be resting at home with her family. So I stupidly refuse to call them.

Well the scary part is... Here I am on Sunday ... waiting for time to pass so I can meet Geri later with Jilyn to chill... and last night I spent a late but hilariously fun Sat with Joey and friends.

I didn't do anything and the phone rung... and all I see are 'heart-warming' sms that ask me if I would like to go out. Slowly I begin believing in fate instead of faith. I think there is a reason for everything. Even if I don't get to meet my friends regularly... I cheerish all the meet ups we have. And Fate plays a big part in the whacky outings we have. Because it feels a bit scary to have your hidden wishes answered. haha.

Happy enough.

Actually today isn't such a great day. In fact, it was horrible.

Yar the worst thing that can happen in my profession, other then leaving, has happened. I don't really know how it happened. But yar, it did happen. So I have to live with a bit of regrets.

But I am much better. Happy enough to see tomorrow.

Don't worry neighbor, I am emo but I know I still have so much to be happy about.

Today is the 31st of March... amazing its been 3 entire weeks since I blog... How did I allow it to happen? Maybe you all know the reason, maybe you all don't. After all, we are all trying to find bits and pieces of time for ourselves.

But in this short period of time... I learnt, in the hard way... the meaning of being selfish. I am slowly being more selfish then before, more selective of my time spent and efforts being placed. I have to thank someone in particular... someone 'dear-ed'. After all, that person will never be reading this, for choices people make in life, signal to others an intent. And often, intentions or 'unintentions' tell people how important one can be.

Yes, I am emo.

I have always been this way. But on March 31st, tears affected me.

I hope I get to sleep. Because I want to start the day well tomorrow... I will be fine then. After all, I am happy enough.

A simple whacky camera that belongs to Janice

Actually, I can't really recall what I have been doing for the past few weeks. Its been so busy there doesn't see to be much time creating any memories worth remembering. Then again, I was flipping through some of the photo galleries of late... and I am glad people in the world have simple pocket-sided cameras. Seriously, they might not be as robust or high performing as an DSLR... but they simply are whacky cameras which help you remember your moments better.

So yar, going to start a string of post with whacky photos taken during my outings.

So maybe the first person to remember of late is Miss Emirates 2009, Janice. I don't really know Janice well. I still don't understand her, just as much as I cannot understand sarcasm. haha. But I know of late, Janice been someone who brightens up my evenings when we go out. Cos she is simply random. After one whole day, you don't need structure, you don't wish for a well planned outing or you don't wish for someone to comment on anything... You just need a spontaneously random friend. And Janice is that amazing friend to have!

Take for instance, the day we went out for the movie 'the wrestler'... it was only after we entered the cinema... did she realized she hated wrestling... haha. And her laughter at creation... led everyone else to stare at our table... my gosh... what an evening... haha

Random Gallery

We took the above picture just before we went home. She just randomly thought that it would be cool to take pictures in empty car slots... and it would seem like we are some art exhibit... and ultimately, I really like the picture a lot.

The next outing I had with Janice was also random... we went Ikea for dinner. Actually, she wanted to look for a bed and she just wanted company... haha, no Lar Janice, I know even if I wasn't there you still would have went alone. Just pulling your leg...

So Janice gave me a random call... and I totally agreed... It was probably my first 'after six pm' day in School and I was totally sick of work. And I haven't really thanked her... but it was one of the best outings in a long time, cos she wouldn't mind how crazy I was that day... trust me I was so crazy, I jumped on beds... walked into a cupboard in Ikea and closed the door while people wear passing by. I don't know if she was embarrassed but she certainly didn't show. haha. And yar, it was nice that she was willing to eat the 'world's best ice cream' with me... even thought is isn't what you would expect, but yar, I just felt happy that I had a friend so random and 'on' that evening.

And so you see... when I look at these pictures... I just remember of the happy random things that happened. And Janice, I don't believe your camera isn't 'good'. It is... because, the content you capture are the important things... at least to me. Thanks for being such a great friend! Its one of those things that keep my sanity in check haha!

A Simple room

A Father, A Mother, A Son and A Lame Pacman on Wheels.

Yar Ying Ming, when you read this Janice still rocks... not because of the lame reason she gave you in order to pull your leg... but just simply cos she bothered to ask how I was feeling on a Saturday (cannot remember) and it cheered me up for that evening... haha...Ying Ming's been punk ed.

A new day tomorrow. A new hope for you?

Today wasn't such a great day right? The weather was gloomy and work was over taxing. Sometimes you look back at the day and you really think it is all worth it? Should we just give up and run away without believing in ourselves?

Yar true, the day has its downs... but it also had it ups right?

Today I spent a day with an important friend. I know its been very tough for her. Anything about work hasn't been easy on her. I know I can't make them disappear. No amount of advice or comments can take away the downside of the day.

But I believe, like I always say, God is fair. And all I can do is try to provide you with some hope and a few moments of 'cork' happiness. The least I can do is try make your day a bit brighter. I hoped I manage so.

Don't worry about tomorrow... but try believing that tomorrow when the sun rises, it would be a new day and if you believe ... there is a new hope for everything. Sorry for being so corny/ cheesy... I just watch a Hong Kong drama... and I think I should tell you this. Because at that moment, I just wished you would end up happy tomorrow.

This message is not just for that important friend. But to all my friends that read this blog. I know that I haven't been the greatest friend or a good support but I really will try to make your day a bit better.

Some people find joy in sports, some find it in another person, some believe in being the best they are at ... all these little beliefs that keep us going when we are down... I think making my friends happy have kept me going stronger everyday, its probably one of those things that motivate me in life. Since its been like that for some time already, why not keep it that way?

Friday outing: Cam whores...

It was Friday... WAS... haha late post. Again. Whats new? I think I am too tired to write properly so yar cut it short. Chop chop. Wait... why am I so long winded? haha Okie I going crazy... just like last Friday when I went out with Jilyn and Huishi.

You all know I don't like to 'cam whore' In fact I don't even like to take pictures of myself with other people. So yar we went for dinner and this 'annoying' Huishi kept snapping away... Yar she is a 'cam whore', who always wants others to tell her that she is pretty... see so thick skin also haha.

Yar so by the request of Selena Tan Huishi, here are some beautiful pictures of her and some ... ahem... crazy pictures that I decided to 'cam whore' also... These pictures are rare... I bet you won't get to see me 'cam whore' anytime soon. Must be the job... haha.

Jilyn and Huishi
Please she forced me to call her pretty... damm thick skin

My food and me
'Normal' level of cam whore...

The watch and me
A bit hyper...

The watch and me 2
Okie I out did myself... Huishi added the bling blings... haha

O yar, Huishi... if making me 'cam whore' and posting 'beautiful' pictures of you on my blog make you happy... I would not mind doing more... cause of 'megahappyhearts' moments like last Friday night!