why the end of the year CANNOT COME FAST ENOUGH.

i had to write an email to a friend the other day ...

to remark upon her post that she had put up the evening before ... because it really struck me ...
quite honestly ... everything she says strikes me. 
she is an amazingly eloquent writer ... and a lovely person too. 
and someday i will meet her *in person* just so that i can validate that truth.

and because sometimes i find myself funnier when i'm not trying to be funny ... i just thought you might want to hear why i'm fairly certain that the end of the school year cannot come fast enough ... taken from our email correspondence.

though it will probably come way. too. fast.

{just had to write} to tell you i love you.

after your post and your dancing ...

and i can't comment ... because i'm at work and i flipped over to your site for a mere minute in between groups because i needed to get my head away from attempting to teach homonyms.

oh holy hell.

homonyms are sort of the death of me ... like smacking my head against a brick wall.

ok kids ... REMEMBER! these words sound the same ... but they are spelled different and they mean different things. BUT!! they SOUND! the! SAME!!!!!!

let's see if you can figure out this one!!

it can mean mommy's little boy
OR!
it can mean something bright that shines in the sky ...

someone always guesses one of those ... like this ...

SUN!!! SUN!!! a sun is in the sky!!!!

ok yay!! you got this one {pointing}!!! what is this one{pointing}???

mommy's little boy.
hmmmmm. 
*mommy's little boy*
remember ... THEY SOUND THE SAME!

brother?
nope ... THEY SOUND THE SAME

boy??
gah. no ... they sound THE SAME!
why did you sigh?
keep trying!

daddy????
ohholyhellno. they SOUND THE SAME SAY THIS WORD AGAIN IT SOUNDS EXACTLY THE SAME IF YOU JUST SAY THIS WORD TWO TIMES YOU WILL GET BOTH OF THE ANSWERS RIGHT >>> THERE IS NO NEED TO EVEN THINK YOU WILL GET IT RIGHT IF YOU JUST SAY IT TWO TIMES.

(that part i just say in my head)
love you. even if she doesn't. thanks for giving me a minute away from homonyms.
about to teach idioms though.
save. me.

new angles. old angles.

life.  from a whole new angle.

sometimes ... i just don't want to think and analyze and determine the best this or that.

sometimes ... i just want to take a picture because it feels right.

sometimes ... there just isn't a perfect light or a perfect ISO or a perfect shutter speed.

sometimes ... there is just a perfect moment.

unlike my loverly camera that i am so in love with ...

(that totally needs a name ... talullah?  violet?)

my little phone camera fits in my pocket and let's me color outside the lines when i need to.

enjoying a little {free} fisheye lens action ... because lilacs make me smile.

{and fisheyes make me smile.  so together i supersmile.}

or take a picture of my boy ... in a style totally different from how i usually shoot.

because that's how my mood felt that day.

{he's searching the sky for daddy ... }

i can share a puddley yard with a friend ... in new york.

so that she can sympathize.  or laugh.  at my misfortune.

{yes.  my yard.  now you know why my basement flooded.}

i can share a found treasure with a treasured friend.

yes.  that's me.  on the left. 

with weird al yankovic.  who is obviously in the middle.

and my bestest friend sara ... the cute-not-amazonish-looking-girl on the right.

{would you ever believe that this was kind of normal for her and i to get to meet famous people at her dad's office.  like all the time.  new kids on the block.  met them.  janet jackson.  met her.  beach boys.  yep.}

i can take a picture of something that i never want to forget. 

{like how the baby boy rubs the silky part of his blue blankie against his ear as he nods off to sleep}

i can capture a breathtaking sunset. 

and fluffy white clouds floating through a deep blue sky.

the sky is calling me lately. 

isn't it just amazing?

it is endless.

and we are all underneath it.

even though you are where you are

which may or may not be anywhere near me ...

we are under the same sky.

crazycakes.

 and though it seems so small in comparison ...

the ground is teeming with things to see.

as long as you get down and look.

 there are even things that ... although they are stuck to the ground ...

find a way to let loose and float into the endless blue of the sky.

 you just never know where you will find that perfectly beautiful moment that you just must capture.
it's how i felt way back when i used film.
gasp.
creative.  energetic.  willing to try something new.  just because i could.
new angles.  old angles. 
funny how everything always comes full circle.

neither here nor there ... again.

last week ... i took the kiddos to the arboretum ...
after all that winterishness we've really been needing color in our lives.

sorry that you are getting bombarded with florals.  i just cannot get enough of color.  and how they mix and match.  and how they strike off of one another ... and how they are NOT. WHITE.

i am totally not admitting this publicly.  but stella had a doctor appointment that has nothing to do with the fact that i made her walk around, play soccer and chase boys at recess on a possibly sprained ankle. 
oh wait.
i'm not MAKING her chase boys. 
this little recess activity is oh-so-NOT-secretly driving me up the wall.

anyhoo.
i had heard there was rain in the forecast.  ha!  that little tidbit gets a little funnier when you find out that MY ENTIRE BASEMENT FLOODED that following weekend.  like ... carpeting in the driveway.  fans and vacuums running at all hours.  playroom in my living room. 
super funny.

and to think ... i was merely bummed that the rain might knock all the pretty little petals off of the tulips.  and that the blossomed crabapple trees might release their blanket of pink to the grassy carpet below ... if i didn't take the kids to get that perfect picture for above my piano ... TODAY.

mistake numero uno.

we i oogled over the tulips.  for a bit of time.

the sun was just enough out after a bit of rain in the morning ... we spent time enjoying life among the flowers.
i nursed finn in a garden of lilacs.
which can now be recorded as my favorite place to nurse ... of all time.
beating out the second and third place contenders ... in a bounce tent and in a barn.

i let the girly-girls use the superty mommy camera to take a few pictures ...

fun to see what caught their eye.
and then we decided to find the crabapple trees!  so that i could get that picture!
you know.  the one that was already printed on a canvas and hanging above my piano?
{in. my. mind.}

because ... this?
this sweet little boy right here ...
turned into a MONSTER.
a crying screaming sobbing ... i haven't taken a nap ... i don't want to go in the car ... i don't want to walk ... i don't want anything ... but i want that ... but i don't want that ... but i do ... give it to me ... {throw it on the ground} ... where is the freaking wine bar in this arboretum???  ... monster.

spoiler alert?
there are no more cute boy pictures in this post.

oh yay!  the picture!  the picture of my three beautiful children to hang above my pia ... what?  wait. 
there's only two.
where's finners?

oh ... hanging on my pants screaming biting my thigh.  yes.  biting my thigh.  because that was the only thing that would keep him from banging his head against the ground.
loverly.

so i tried the dump and run tactic.  i pulled out my wide angle ... slyly thinking no-one will ever be the wiser.
unless i blog this awesome experience.
you're welcome.

and also ... close ups.  because it's so much more perfect that way.

stella noticing a bug bite on cora.  cora's been getting these weird black fly (but they look like gnat) bites on her neck and head.  the rest of us don't seem to get them as much.  don't worry ... i won't even describe the bite and the ensuing bleeding because they don't just suck your blood ... apparently the females of the species saw out a piece of your flesh to eat ...  so. fun.

cora trying to show finn her dandelions.

oh.  and finn?  deserted by mommy and crying.

stella running to tell me about the bite.  in the panic stricken way that only a first born girl child could.

cora trying to figure out why stella keeps freaking out.

finners?  still crying.

stella ... out of the picture yet screaming in my ear.

cora ... dancing with her dandelions.  blissfully unaffected in a way that a happy little middle child can be.

finn ... sobbing in the background.

stella pointing out the bug bite ... because she's feeling that her mommy isn't paying any attention to her pleading cries of oh-my-help!-it's-bleeding!

cora ... carefree.  happy with dandelions.

finn?  trying to escape.  and crying.

stella ... ditto.

cora ... ditto.

finn ... ditto.

crabapple trees and the three mile drive to find them can just suck it.

oh hai pretty little lady tulips ... what's that you say?  you love piano music??  well ... do i have a nice little home for you.

easy. hard.

we needed something new today.
something not just everyday ... but a special today something ...
not just an everyday just across the street park visit ... but a hidden away we never go there park visit.

so we i packed the kids up and drove a few miles to the elementary school where i had grown up ...

(after first driving past my old house convinced that if the rock that i stole borrowed from the badlands was still there next to the mailbox that i might just possibly return it to it's rightful owner.)
it wasn't.

we played.  the girls ran.  stella scrambled across monkey bars.  cora scooted up climbers and ropes.  finners scrambled up and down and up and down.  occasionally pausing to point at a plane (and waving hi to daddy up there.)

we played.

and then i collected the kids and dragged them to the front of the building where i had seen some pops of gorgeous vibrant color as we drove up ...

and as we rounded the building i remembered. 

there was a little girl ... i can't remember for the life of me ... her name.  or if she was just a bit older.  or just a bit younger.
but i remember her.

that she lived.  once upon a time she lived in this corner of the world.  and she went to this same little school.  and she walked through these same little hallways.  and she opened that same door.  and she played on this dirt beneath my feet.  and her voice and giggles echoed through this air.  and then she got sick.  and then she died.

and in memory of her ... that little garden was planted. 

and i remember thinking it was nice of us to remember her that way ... though i was too young to fully understand that she was anything but gone from our little world.

and i told the girly girls the story of that little girl.

of course ... stella had a lot of questions.  hows?  and whys?  and wheres?

cora merely listened and softly stroked the petals of a purple tulip that was stretching it's elegant neck towards the last glimpses of the sun in the sky.

and as we walked through the garden and visited with the plants ... i couldn't stop thinking about her mommy. 

she had HAD this.  this exact very same thing that brightens my life.  she had her children there with her.  she had her daughter.  she had giggles in her day.  and chubby hands to grab hers.  she had eyes full of wonder.  and a life that depended upon her.  she had someone with wants.  and probably also occasionally felt swarmed by life.  and kids. 

had.

she HAD all those things.

i HAVE all those things.

have.

funny how such a little word can be so easily flipped and then flopped.  how easy life can feel and then how hard it can get and then how easy it can feel before it gets hard again. 

i feel so lucky tonight to have that flipping flopping ... easy.  hard.  easy.  hard.  easy.  hard.

neither here nor there.

** things of virtually no importance.  irrelevant and most likely unnecessary to the conversation. 

though quite possibly knocking at my brain and spilling out of my fingertips.

yesterday ... i may have recorded this as one of my proudest moments in all of my life.
my three kids sitting on the couch reading a book.  together.
please ignore cora's finger in her nose.

this is how cute they look from the front.
also note.
this is after stella spied me and figured out what i was doing and i told her to just keep reading.
she did.
it was also after i requested that cora take her finger out of her nose.
she didn't.
in fact.  i think she proceeded further.
she does not get her stubborness from me.

this is what happens when the boy sees mommy playing with something that has buttons.
BUTTONS.
#boysareweird

i've also been doing a little bit of this recently.
and i feel like i'm cheating on you guys with my other blog.
which has gotten SO MUCH MORE attention from me in the past few weeks.
so please ... come visit me there too ... then at least you will both know about each other and we can be a little more sister wives and a little less maury.
also note ... there are twins in that beautiful belly.  two baby girls.  coming soon-ish. 
do you know how excited i am to be able to photograph this family and share in their joy?
so. excited.

cora turned four. 
four.
gah.
if you have no idea how much like me she is ... then this picture should help.
except for the stubbornness. 
she TOTALLY doesn't get that from me.

oh you want to see a close up?

this girl cracks me up.
she called me a little stinker pants the other day.
i have no idea where she got that.
she also calls me mamanut whenever i call her coconut.
goof.

oh hi there superty cute baby boy.

we had a storm the other night.
just as i was laying finners to bed.  in his own bed.  and without nursing ... he fell asleep.
cue angels singing ... cue tornado sirens.
seriously.
scooped the boy OUT OF BED to the basement where he proceeded to sleep on the couch.
while jeremy requested that i risk my life for all of you to take a picture of the mammatus clouds (which is super fun to say ... try it.)
you're welcome.

in a very sappy way ... i feel like those clouds a little.  things bubbling.  turmoil.  though not in the oh-woe-is-me sort of way ... just ... stuff.  things that i'm not quite ready to talk about.  things that i'm not quite sure are here or there.

neither here nor there ... i guess.