Goodbye....say something

Disclaimer: This is my goodbye to my husband after ten years of marriage. Its my explanation to my friends and family on why I moved to my parents house in Washington alone with my kids. Here are the answers to all the questions Ive gotten. 

It's basically my interpretation of this song and what it means to me. Play it while you read it, it will make more sense that way. 

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As I drove away from OUR home with tears streaming down my face, with  OUR baby in his car seat next to me and all of my belongings I could fit In the uhaul behind me; I turned on the radio and the song Say Something by A Great Big World came on (youtube video)

Ive heard it many times before and it tugged at my emotions, it felt like it exposed my raw feelings perfectly,  about our relationship in the last few months of our marriage. But as I drove away from our home for the last time It all became so perfectly clear to me why Say Something made me cry every time I heard it. Why it wrenched my soul and I felt like I had just been punched in the gut every time it played. Every feeling and emotion and memory shuffled through my mind as I drove further away and the song played.

When Chad introduced me to this song a couple of months ago he told me it was how he felt about me. That HE was giving up on ME. Wait what? You are giving up on ME?? Why would you give up on me? I was the one who always stayed. No matter how hurtful your choices no matter what you chose to do, I stayed, I loved, I kept trying. 

I was the one who stayed all those times he chose to be with other women instead of me. All those times he would rather be doing anything else instead of be with us. Through the hurtful words and thoughtless actions. Through the sudden moves from friends and loved ones, and through all the lonely nights.
I followed him everywhere. 

I forgave and tried to be better so he would want me. I held out hope that I could reach him, that I could love him enough and that he would finally realize that I, that we, were all he ever really wanted and needed. I fought so hard for us, for our family. He fought so hard against us, but I thought that if he had my heart in his hands it would change him; that if he could feel my love it would soften him, that if he could feel what real selfless love felt like he would stay. 
But I couldn't reach him. I never could no matter what I tried, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach him. I'm so sorry that I couldn't get to you, heaven knows how hard I tried, I gave it all that I had. 

He never did say (or do something...rather) to show us we were enough. 
I was handing my love to a bottomless pit and I could never fill it up. That's when I finally realized I had to say goodbye. I had to say good bye to the man that I loved. For ten years I gave him my life, my eternities, my soul and my body to bring his children to this world. He owned my heart, I could bear his choices and the pain they inflicted because my love for him was not of this world. I thought if he could see my love and know that he is lovable...that I would never stop loving him than maybe he would come back to me. That the man I married and lost so many years before would come back to me. But I was wrong, he never came back. For many months after he had another affair in October, I waited. I waited for him to say something (do something...really) to say I'll be the One, but he never really wanted to be.

I had to say goodbye to the one that I loved. "Your the one that I love but I'm saying goodbye." I am so small, it was over my head, I knew nothing at all. I had no idea how far over my head it was, for so many years I had naive hope that somehow I could love him through the muck and negative spiral of bad choices; and that he would come back to me, but that is gone. There never really was anything I could ever do, even though I'm just now learning that...there never was. He had to do it on his own. But he couldn't, or wouldn't, I don't know. I'm giving up on you. I have to, there is nothing else I can do. For the welfare of my children and mine, I have to give up on you. 

Goodbye. 

No more wondering why I am not good enough. No more suffering from the kids that they are not good enough.  Enough is enough.

I would have been the ONE if you wanted me to. 

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Say Something

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something…

youtube video:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VVgixOjGhVU

driving through a tree and baby frogs

Have you ever driven through a giant redwood tree? This looks like a giant plastic tree to me, but I can assure you it is real. Driving through a tree is definitely worth if you ever get the chance, even if you are afraid your car is about to be stuck. I think we barely made it through there without losing our side mirrors.
I remember driving through a tree when I was a kid, I was excited when we found this fun pitstop. I am glad my kids got to do it too.

We got out of the car to stretch our legs after driving through the redwood tree and found this beautiful place:

Chad and I were on a bench out here changing Ben when we heard a noise. We thought it was  a moose our something. It was so loud

After closer investigation of the noise, we discovered there were bullfrogs in the pond. lots of them. Ben was happy to be down and playing, he kept trying to grab the thistles.

As we were standing there observing the frogs I kept feeling something pelting my legs. I looked down once or twice but didn't see anything. Finally I saw these tiny little guys:

There were so many of them that I was afraid to walk because I didn't want to squish them. I mean there were

hundreds of them.

So of course we had to catch them for a while.

Noah and Chad even got in the swamp...the one that said "No Swimming"

Noah was WET and DIRTY and SLIMY and very HAPPY, he's a wild man. 

This was such a picturesque place, I just couldn't believe were were lucky enough to find such a magical place. I mean driving through giant trees, finding a pond surrounded by beautiful trees with their trips in the fog, bullfrogs and baby bullfrog catching...it doesn't get much better than that. What a beautiful world we live in. 

here's a few of the giant tree we drove through from the side:

And lets throw in the turkeys that were hanging out on the side of the road for good measure....see magical place.

Shabby Apple design contest

Shabby Apple is holding a design contest. I just found out about this contest 20 minutes ago. I quickly thought about my design, drew it up and went to post it, just to realize the contest ended at midnight eastern standard time not midnight mountain standard time. oops. Oh well, I'm going to post it anyways.

It's a 1940's design theme. I got my idea from looking at 1940's dress images. I love easy wearing, comfortable classic dresses that make a statement. I think the simple but unique design and the vintage fabric bring in these elements. I also love high waisted and belted dresses, it's one of my favorite looks.  My fabric inspiration is this amazing vintage plum and dark blue knit I found at a thrift store (the purple is a totally different color than it shows up here).
I would love to wear this dress. Hey maybe I'll make it for myself!

The JOY of a boy jumping and running (and using his legs the way they were meant to be used)

It was a cooler evening sometime at the end of May or early June, before it starts to get really hot. Even though it was chilly outside Noah just had to jump in the water, his huge grin spread across his face as he asked me if he could go in. Chad said "no way, lets get out of here" but Noah was eagerly waiting for me to let him go in, standing at the edge of the water barely able to contain his excitement. I had to say yes to those excited hopeful eyes and huge smile. Off he went with a giggle.

There was something so mesmerizing about watching him. I could feel his joy and it brought me joy. I could see his wonder and amazement and it brought me wonder and amazement. Nothing had ever seemed so fun to him than this did at this moment.

I can't wait until he gets his legs back so he can run and jump and play and climb and swing. Maybe the reason this moment happened and I felt so much joy watching him then, is so that we could look back and have grateful hearts for our wonderful bodies and all the glorious and wonderful things they can do. Our bodies are amazing tools and I am so grateful for them.


I really love this kid. I love his curiosity and excitement for life, his happiness and ability to make us happier somehow by just being him.

AND the Doctor said he can get his cast off on August 5th! Hooray!! We all did a happy dance right then and there in the Doctor's office.

The End of First Grade!

My adorable first grader is now almost a second grader! She had a great year and she learned a lot. The last picture are some of her achievements this year. She got 100% on almost everything she did this year. She got awarded Ambassador of Cooperation for the whole school "for continually exhibiting the character trait of cooperation as determined by the teacher". She read the most minutes in her whole class and the second most in her whole first grade (four different classes). 

She is smart and silly and full of confidence. She also really loves the fake eye glasses her aunt Emma gave her. 

We love Kaiya!!! Yay for second graders!!!

Benjamin Burns Crosby: So worth the wait!! (my labor story)

Both of my previous labors have left me with something to be desired. I didn't start labor naturally with either one of them and I had gotten epidurals with both of them, which meant that while my body knew how to labor, I did not. I was able to feel when I needed to push, and thats about it. That really bothered me, so I decided on two things. 1) under very few circumstances would I allow the doctor to induce me (only if it was a real emergency) and 2) I would labor and give birth without out pain medication, which meant staying home as long as possible. Also, I knew that I would have a harder time going med free if I my water broke or if I was on pictocin. Mostly I knew that I could anything I wanted as long as I was prayerful and relied on the help of our Heavenly Father because I know that with Him we can do all things. It turns out that I was absolutely blessed in so many ways to have labor go exactly as I wanted (besides being a whole week overdue), and it turned out perfectly as planned. I couldn't be more happy or grateful for this.

The weeks leading up to labor, I had been feeling contractions (since I was 37 weeks or so), but they never turned into labor. I passed my due date having had contractions for many nights in a row, for them to end up stopping and I would wake up in the morning disappointed, with nothing. It turns out my body was slowly doing its job (which is better than all at once in my opinion). But i was learning that I really had little to no control over the situation and that I needed to just let "it" go and let it happen when it would happen, and just trust in my body and Heavenly Father's plan for me.

All though I was extremely large and miserably uncomfortable I had come to turns with being pregnant until 42 weeks, when they would force me to do an induction. I thought maybe my body didnt know how to labor. I did try everything possible to get this baby here, from chiropractic adjustments to acupuncture. Super spicy thai meals, cod liver oil, caster oil, jumping on the trampoline, evening primrose oil and everything else recommended to induce labor. I even had my membranes stripped the day before I went into labor.

I started having somewhat regular contractions on Friday evening after a day of trying everything get labor started. At about 11pm the contractions were five minutes apart but not super long. Since I had no regular contractions up to this poit I was pretty sure that this was the real thing, although it really wasn't super painful. I decided to go to bed and try to get sleep before they became painful, and fell asleep at about 11:30pm. I woke up at 2:30 from a painful contraction. That's the time when Chad went to sleep. I walked around and ate a piece of toast. At about 3 or 3:30 am I woke up Chad and asked him to time my contractions. He timed them and walked around getting everything that we needed  for the hospital.

At about 4 ish I was having definite contractions, they were pretty uncomfortable but not super painful and I wasn't completely convinced that this was THE elusive labor I had been waiting for for weeks. Contractions were 2 minutes apart but 60 seconds long instead of 90. I was preparing to be hanging around the house for a while. Suddenly I had a really intense contraction that brought me to the floor. As soon as that one was over I had another two just like that, right on top of each other. I knew it was definitely time to get to the hospital even thought my body was laboring differently then the text book version of labor.

At 4:30 we drove the 5 minutes to the hospital, which was not super comfortable. I was still having strong contractions but they were not on top of each other anymore (about 2 minutes apart again). They checked me and I was at a five, within about ten minutes we were in the delivery room. They knew my wishes so they didn't hook me up to anything but insisted that I SIT down to monitor the baby. Sit!? I just couldn't do that while I was in the middle of intense contractions. The nurse was totally annoyed and kept saying I really need you to sit down right now. Finally I was like "I'm in the middle of a contraction I am NOT going to sit down until it is over!" She rolled her eyes at me like I was being dramatic and waited for a minute I sat down they strapped the monitor on me, but  I was really uncomfortable and afraid I was going to be in there forever. So I asked them to check me again I wasn't sure if I could do this.
They checked me and I was at a eight, the lady was a bit nicer from then on, since she realized I wasn't being dramatic and I actually was progressing quickly. At this point we had been in the hospital 20 minutes tops and the midwife hadn't even made it to the hospital yet.

I was trying my best to make it gracefully through each contraction, but It was hard. I think I said mother f this hurts (I really said that, not the actually swear word haha). My body was working super fast and I was just so uncomfortable on my back laying down. I instinctively turned to stand on my knees and hold the back of my bed. I was clutching on to a poor nurses hand for dear life and Chad was holding my other hand and applying counter pressure to my back during contractions. I told them that it was time to push so they better go find another doctor, but they told me to "wait" because the midwife was 10 minutes away. Who can fight against a waging, laboring body to will it to stop contracting!? It's clearly not possible!! I can slow down while pushing, but not stop contractions all together.

They realized I was serious when they saw the baby's head and ran and got the other Doctor. By the time he ran into the room I was pushing and the baby was born maybe a minute later. I was so tired, and relieved! So happy that labor went exactly as I wanted it to and totally pooped. I still hadn't even turned around to see the baby. Everyone kept saying "turn around don't you want to see your baby!?" I was like "yeah I do but I need a minute!"
Chad announced that we had a boy, before I even saw him (which I was fine with--I just imagined seeing the gender as the baby was born). I turned around and held him then said to Chad, "I knew it was a boy!" The gender predictor calendar is almost always right!

He didn't have a first name for a few days, but we always knew that if it was a boy his middle name would be Burns after my Grandpa and Dad. His name ended up being named Benjamin Burns. Koren picked Benjamin and Chad has always liked the name. I never thought I would name a boy Benjamin, but it is his name, and My mom and Grandma liked it so that sealed the deal. I still wasn't sure about his name for a while, because it is such a common name. But I love it and it totally fits him.

 He was 9 pounds 1 oz and 20.5 inches long. He's the perfect addition to our family! We all adore him!

if you look at my han dyou will see the acupuncture needles in me. I was 5 days over due at this point