_Friday, April 15, 2005*

you just wait and see...

the least you could do was show some support or even consider my choice and opinion... BUT NOOOO... you had to have things done YOUR way. not even a little compromise. you know what?? it's one thing to not trust me... but it's another underestimate me. it's not very nice of you to challenge me even without hearing me out. you've got your reasons and i've got mine. i listened to yours but you never took mine into consideration. i'm so gonna prove you wrong and when i do... i'm gonna make you eat your words... every single one.

BLOG OFFICIALLY ON HIATUS.

*- amanda scribbled at 4/15/2005 09:06:00 PM

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_Thursday, April 14, 2005*

faith... that's what's lacking.

bleh. hardly anybody drops by here anymore... oh well, i'll still rant on though. what i type here mostly's just what i've been thinking when certain issues unfolded or when certain incidences occured. don't mean to offend anyone on purpose. but somethings i type here might not be told straight in your face(to whom it may concern) in reality cos i probably express myself better in words than in speech. it's just my opinion. you don't have to agree with me if you don't want to. hope this doesn't affect our friendships.

hmmm, syf's gonna be here in just a coupla days. well, 15 days from today to be exact. just a day off 2 weeks and you can actually feel tension between the hbers rising. it's ironic when you think about what those acronyms represent. Singapore Youth Festival. A FESTIVAL is defined as 'a day or period of time set aside for feasting and celebration 2: an organized series of acts and performances (usually in one place)' by Princeton University in 2003. now... in this case, it's been viewed as a biannual judging and a competition. a festival... isn't that when people feel happy?? or rather ought to feel happy?? not stressed or pissed or worried or frustrated...

okay, maybe we aren't as disciplined or techniquely as up to standards as our ex-seniors. but it's unrealistic to even expect us to be at that same level. try as we may, comparing things doesn't help. of course it's natural human instinct to wanna outdo them and everybody else, but it IS impossible. like mrs aw said, 'there'll always be someone better.' as long as we do our best, things shouldn't be too bad though. some people are obviously making it very clear that they don't even think we're capable of a gold. but if you don't even have the mindset present, why even bother to practise? i really don't practise so damn hard to be told i'm not capable or never will achieve what i want. the least you could do was be supportive. if you only had condemning words(hardly even constructive criticisms) and no encouraging words, maybe you should just keep them to yourself. no point bringing down the whole group if you don't have faith in us.

yes i do agree that i do slack during practices, but you can't possibly expect me to be so serious all the time. so as for everybody else. it's not like we're not trying hard, we are, but it's still not enough? is it? will what we're doing ever be enough? feelings are running high, but we've gotta look on the positive side of things. sinking into worry and doubt will only result in similarly bleak result. it's just like the standing board jump thingy... with the clipboard there on the floor as a benchmark, we actually are capable of achieving a lot better than we actually are. as the cliche quote goes, "aim for the moon, even if you fall, you'll land among the stars." it'll definitely hurt to aim high but fall short of it(duh, the effort's gotta be there too.)... but it'll hurt even more when you aim low and regret, knowing deep down inside that you were capable of so much more. it's just a gamble we've gotta take.

*- amanda scribbled at 4/14/2005 08:28:00 PM

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_Wednesday, April 13, 2005*

OUCH.

i am such a blur toot. just caught my thumb in between two bloody freaking sliding doors. and now it's bleeding in patches where the skin's been scrapped off. it's still bleeding after i pressed down on it for like a whole 5 mins. arghhhh. pissed. damn irritating. can't type properly. and i can feel it throbbing!!! pissifying... feels just like how i felt when i broke my tooth and when i fell into that bloody drain. numb. damn i'm pissed. and there's still a million and one worksheets to be filed. pfft. i hate filing! i'm pissed, pissed, and very pissed.better not get any of those stupid paper cuts after getting a throbbing, bleeding thumb. i'm pissed.

*- amanda scribbled at 4/13/2005 09:01:00 PM

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i'm alive!

whee!!! haha! can't believe i made through this week full of tests. ok. now i'm bored. and now i feel like kicking myself for saying that. have no idea on what to update on so i'm leaving you with this boring 100 question questionaire. so fun. haha.

1. Name: amanda
2. your nick name: amandy, **n**(something only my DEAR perverted daughter would call me... infront of mr yau.), manda, dada, ah jui, suan jui. haha. wadever la.
3. Birthday: 131089 -HINT HINT HINT- still got a lot of time to look for SOMETHING.
4. Place of Birth: MT Alvernia
5. Horoscope: libra
6. Male or Female: you think? x)
7. Grade: sec4
8. School: cedar
9. Occupation: road sweeper. :)
10. Screen Name(s): amanda bynes. or mandy moore. HAHA.

__Your Appearence___
12. Hair Color: brown? according to ah ma, it looks red. >.<
13. Hair Long or Short: long. look like an overgrown toadstool with short hair.
14. Eye Color: brown
16. Height: why do you care? short.
17. Weight: 40? aww...
18. Shoe Size: 3. hee hee.
19. Braces: nah... they were only for 2weeks. =X
20. Glasses: uh huh... i'm like short sighted.
21. Piercings : 2. but i intend to get more. =P
22. Tattoos: temporary. copyrighted by nut. x.x
23. Righty or Lefty: righty

___Your 'Firsts'___
24. First Kiss: mommeh? or daddy?
25. First B.F/ G.F: tracy! whahaha.
26. First best friend: samantha.
27. First Award: hrms... i have no idea.
28. First Sport: fishing! is that a sport?
29. First pet: easy. terrapins. oh my dad flushed one down the toilet bowl. and the other one's at the botanical gardens... wonder if it's still alive.
30. First Vacation: erm... LONDON.
31. First Concert: K1.
32. First Love: the smurfs.

___ Favorites___
33.Movie: a lot.
34.TV Show: desperate housewives.
35.Color: blue
36.Band: planetshakers
37.Song: haha! currently the chipmunk version of mr. lonely.
38.Food: sushi.
39.Drink: iced lemon tea with nata de coco!
40.Candy: that purple gummy thingy.
41.Sport To Play: cycling
42.Sport To Watch: ice skating
43.Brand Of Clothing : a lot?
44.Store: tako pachi. haha! i like seeing them make balls. lalala.
45.School : northland
46.Animal: horses
47.Book: bible.
48.Magazine: seventeen

___Currently___
49.Eating: meepok. pok. pok. pok.
50.Drinking: beer. root beer.
51.Typing: noooo... i'm not typing.
52.Online?: yeah.
53.Listening To: don't go breaking my heart.
54.Thinking About: chinese homework.
56.Watching: words magically appearing on screen. -wow-
57.Wearing: sch uni.

___Your Future___
58. Want Kids: maybe, maybe not. lol. just take a look at my bros.
59. Want to Get Married: haha! why?
60. Careers in Mind: psychologist... lawyer? haha! roadsweeper!

__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___
67.Cute or Sexy: cute... but not too cute.
68.Lips or Eyes: eyes.
69.Hugs or Kisses: hugs and kisses. hershey's kisses.
70.Short or Tall: taller than me. >.< not too tall.
71.Easygoing or serious: have the right mind to know when to be what.
72.Romantic or Spontaneous: spontaneously romantic
73.Fatty or Skinny: mid range. i don't want a pack of bones... makes me look fat.X.X
74.Sensitive or Loud: sensitive... but not too sensitive.
75.Hook-up or relationship : relationship la. hook-ups are such cheapskates.
76.Sweet or Caring: sweetly caring.
77.Smoker or non smoker : non! can't stand smoke.

___Have You Ever___
78. Kissed a Stranger: erm. define stranger.
79. Drank Alcohol: wine... beer... vodka... champagne... propanol... methanol... ethanol... butanol... etc
80. Smoked: smoked... salmon... chicken?
81. Ran Away From Home: i'm a good girl.
82. Broken a Bone: are teeth counted as bones?
83. Got an X-ray: yeps.
84. Broken Someones Heart: have i?
85. Broke Up With Someone: nahhh...
86. Turned Someone: uhhh... don't get it.
87. Cried When Someone Died : yeah.
88. Cried At School: yeahh...

___Do You Believe In___
89. God: yes.
90. Miracles: yes.
91. Love At First Sight: no.
92. Ghosts: boo!i see dead people...
93. Aliens: i see ufo's... unidentified flying objects thrown by my bros.
95. Heaven: yes.
96. Hell: yeah.
98. Kissing on The First Date : a big no-no.
99. Yourself : yeah.
100.Forever: it's taking forever to complete this.

*- amanda scribbled at 4/13/2005 03:56:00 PM

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_Sunday, April 10, 2005*

i love miss beggy!!

all 4Z peeps!! check ya email!! miss begam was nice enough to send us an email. if you didn't get it, this is what she typed:

Dear Mangammas and Tawalaes of 4Z,
How has it been going? Hope all of you are doing fine.
Just wanna wish you ppl all the best for ya Mid Year Exams.....which is like a few weeks away........ So hang in there, work hard & smart.... and give it ur best awrite! Take care and see u ard in school!

 Ms Begam

whee! come on girls! let's not disappoint ms begam(too much) shall we?? -smiles- ok. the midyears are up in a few weeks time. let's not die too soon... despite the million and one things going on like sports day, NAPFA and competitions and SYFs let's hold on till we get through this crappy year!

Peace Out Z town! >.<

*- amanda scribbled at 4/10/2005 05:47:00 PM

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_Friday, April 08, 2005*

the fear of letting go...

whee. i'm reading 'The Alchemist'. a very, very, absolutely philosophical book. it's so full of good quotes that i have no idea what to quote.

first things first... what's Alchemy?? haha! i had no idea what that was, and i still don't. lol. according to a very reliable source, source, the definition of Alchemy is:

1. A medieval chemical philosophy having as its asserted aims the transmutation of base metals into gold, the discovery of the panacea, and the preparation of the elixir of longevity.

2. A seemingly magical power or process of transmuting: “He wondered by what alchemy it was changed, so that what sickened him one hour, maddened him with hunger the next” (Marjorie K. Rawlings).

[Middle English alkamie, from Old French alquemie, from Medieval Latin alchymia, from Arabic al-kmiy’ : al-, the + kmiy’, chemistry (from Late Greek khmeia, khumeia, perhaps from Greek Khmia, Egypt).]

aaaaaand, an Alchemist is 'one who was versed in the practice of alchemy and who sought an elixir of life and a panacea and an alkahest and the philosopher's stone.' all their dialogues and the issues that they bring up are really thought provoking. and they make a lot of sense too...

here's some of the many dialogues from The Alchemist.
BI- Santiago's ambition was to travel the world and soon realises that there is a treasure waiting for him to discover in the Pyramids of Egypt. He gives up his flock of sheep that he had been tending to since years ago and start his journey. Along the way, he meets many people like a man who calls himself a king, a young woman whom he later asks for her hand in marriage, a crystal shop owner, an Englishman and The Alchemist. He later becomes well versed in reading omens from the world and earns the praise of many... stuck between settling down as a successful merchant and counsellor and pursuing his dream, he wavers between options but decides to stick his neck out.

Extract 1
Here I am, between my flock and my treasure, the boy thought. He had to choose between something he had become accustomed to and something he wanted to have. There was also the merchant's daughter, but she wasn't as important as his flock, because she didn't depend on him. Maybe she didn't even remember him. He was sure that it made no difference to her on which day he appeared: for her, every day was the same, and when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognise the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.

Extract 2
Narrator: The boy(Santiago)'s heart began to speak of fear. It told him stories it had heard from The Soul of the World, stories of men who sought to find their treasure and never succeeded. Sometimes it frightened the boy with the idea that he might not find his treasure,or that he might die there un the desert. At other times it told the boy that it was satisfied: it had found love and riches.

"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they paused to rest the horses. "It doesn't want me to go on."

"That makes sense," the alchemist answered. "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."

"Well, then why should I listen to my heart?"

"Because you will never again be able o keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world."

...

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and eternity."

...

"Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place."

...

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.

"Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer."



-squeals- don't you think that that's so fascinating?? letting go... what makes that so hard?? the fear of the unknown? pride that's unwilling to take a chance knowing that there's a possiblity of you falling flat on your face?? why be a prisoner of your own pride and fear?? it'll only result in you being locked up and put away like so many others in the dungeons of self pity. how pathetic can that get. - whine whine whine -

haha! can't help but admit i was that pathetic whiner. life sucked and all i saw was that horrible big ugly speck of dirt in my life. nothing but total fugliness. my grades went sky diving, family issues left me feeling really fucked, cca stressing me out of my mind, insomnia and lack of sleep, and yah... i was missing someone and i had a million and one things to attend to. BUT!!! let me stress on the 'WAS' and NOT the 'someone'. lalala. unfortunately, God was the last thing on my mind at that moment.

really gotta thank mark! thanks for all the advice and waking me up. i still remember that line "i'm the only one making things hard for myself." wheeheehee. the planetshakers concert was sure a loud wake up call too. i wasn't alone... the whole time i was just worrying incessantly. after leaving it all in Your wonderful hands, everything's so much better now. =D my grades went up, cca improved, and yay! everything's all better now. You're always there to rescue me.

"Why do you ask Him move heaven and earth to prove His love has worth?" this line never ceases to get my thoughts running. it's from Measure of a Man by Clay Aiken. one of my very favourite albums that i can proudly say that i've never gotten bored of. it's got such an apt reminder that sometimes fear and pride is easily able to take control of you life and screw everything you ever knew upside down in just a blink of an eye. contextwise, sure man's love can never surmount to the love that God has for us. but doubt undoubtly makes us doubt that. bahhh... i'll praise Your Name to the ends of the earth.

(ps. to someberrrdy. i don't know if you read my blog or not but if you do then good for you. i've just got a few words for you. DON'T CALL ME 'babe' and SAY 'you miss me' COS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. )

*- amanda scribbled at 4/08/2005 11:09:00 PM

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_Saturday, April 02, 2005*

Jesus loves me, this i know...

whoohoo! today was... let's say, the bestest bestest flagday ever! tracy and i finally found the most generous part of Singapore! He answered my prayer!! HAHAHA!!! i love You!! Thanks for always being here. - beeeeeg smiles - everyone(almost) was sooo friendly!!

i love the people of Tiong Bahru. they just made the standing around for hours and approaching so much more bearable. i still remember how put down the both of us were when we went to town for the last flagday. people just being plain mean. evil meanies!

wheee! i managed to almost fill up the whole can! there was this really cute little caucasian boy around 5 or 6. haha! His daddy was super friendly. gahhh... but don't worry. i'm still thinking of Jesse(no Kenneth! not you!)...

- wanders off to lalaland -

*- amanda scribbled at 4/02/2005 05:04:00 PM

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_Friday, April 01, 2005*

poisson d'avril (no, it's not poison avril.)

it's april fools! wasn't really interesting la. chewy was as laughable as ever. but shilaowang was a cold fish. m2 made us do some stupid essay and l2 a pop test. >.< [maybe it's their kind of 'retaliation' against april fools pranks or something.] it's soooo hard to come up with an original prank. haha! almost forgot it was april fools till my darling messaged. i'm telling you it's the books. geesh. they're getting to my head.

flagday's here too! bleh... fancy going to tangs at 8am. gosh, i need my forty winks. argh.

Oh God!
may the hearts(hopefully their wallets too) of the people in town be concerned and generous towards this worthy cause. i pray that you'll grant me wisdom, patience and tolerance to deal with any WEIRDOS/STALKERS/CHEE KO PEKS/PAEDOPHILES/DESPERADOS/chao ah BENGSzzz or LIANSzzz in the unfortunate event of meeting any.
In Jesus Christ's most precious name,
Amen!

*- amanda scribbled at 4/01/2005 04:37:00 PM

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