I will probably delete this post, but I am hoping it will be therapeutic to write it for me....
Debbie Jo Gumby - I have felt the sting of this woman's words for 23 years - "You do not have a solo voice. You should always sing in groups." I don't remember very many names, but I remember that one. As you can imagine, my young teenage spirit was devastated coming from the choir director. Funny how all these years later, they still sting. I really thought I was getting over it. Not that I really ever stopped singing, I just tried to always sing so no one could hear me. Then I was called as Primary Chorister. All of a sudden I was thrust into singing in front of people. The children weren't bad, but the adults were terrifying!
I moved into a new ward and I was asked to sing for a program. I gave my standard answer of I don't do solos, but I would love to sing in a group. So I sang in several groups. And I loved it. And I practiced, a lot, because the songs spoke to my soul. So I would go to practice with the group and I would sing out because I knew the music and I had gained confidence with the children and a few dear friends' kind words. And they all said, you should just sing it as a solo. Which I responded with, I don't do solos. I did end up singing another song as a duet that night with a women I love and love to sing with. And it was hard. But, I really enjoyed it. And people said what a nice job I had done.
But there is another women in my ward who has the voice of an angel. She truly has a gift. She has a strong soprano voice, but knows how to control it and not let it overpower, but instead sing from her heart. She is beautiful. And everyone told her so. Which is great. I was not in the least bit jealous. Just happy for my sweet friend and my confidence grew. I knew I was not as good as her, but her being good did not diminish my small gift. I knew she was better and that was fine. I was gaining confidence.
Then I was called to serve in Primary. This time as a counselor in the presidency. The first Sunday, I was siting with the 7-8 year olds and a little boy just stared at me, then told me, "I love it when you sing. You have a beautiful voice." And my confidence grew. Although I knew my admirer was 7, my confidence grew. Then last Sunday I was helping the chorister with a song and I chose to sing with the boys. A girl said, "You sang with them last time, you need to sing with us this time." I laughed and said, "But I have a boy voice." She was a little disgusted and said, "You don't have a boy voice! You sing like an angel!" And others around her agreed. And my confidence grew, but I still knew it was an 8 year old's opinion.
Then Wednesday, my friend with the amazing voice, asked me to sing a duet with her for a program this Sunday. I agreed slightly apprehensively. But I agreed. because my confidence had grown. We practiced that afternoon. And it was good. And I wondered at her choosing me to sing with her. I shared my amazement with someone saying, "Why would she choose me?" And the response, "You do OK." And my confidence dropped. I do OK. What does that mean? The response was, "She has a much better voice than you (yes we have established that, I know that), but you do OK." Now whatever confidence I had remaining was gone because those word from years past came flooding back and I thought what am I doing singing so others can hear me?
I had a busy Thursday. But today I have had time to think on that - maybe not a good thing. I was really needing to practice my part again and I couldn't bring myself to even sing with no one around. I texted my friend and said I am feeling so inadequate to sing with you, but couldn't bring myself to say I am not going to do it. Her response was sweet and loving and encouraging. So I am going to do it. Because I made a commitment to her. I also know that the Lord can make up for a lot of my imperfections and that angels can truly be singing with me. And it is only in a meeting of a few people, not a huge congregation. But I am terrified.
Now I don't post this for everyone to be a hater to the person that said something or to my junior high choir teacher. It is all true and I think in the case of the person the other day, they thought they were giving a compliment. My friend is better and I do OK. I probably need thicker skin. So please no hater comments. I don't post this so I get comments saying I have a great voice and don't be discouraged. Because let's be honest, I probably won't believe you right now anyway. ;)
I do post this for a few reasons:
1: My life is very imperfect. I don't want to just remember all the happiness that can sometimes be present in the virtual world and have a false sense of remembering what my life was really like. I want to remember that I had a hard time sometimes and then look back on it one day and laugh that I was upset about a small thing.
2: I want my kids to look at this on hard days and know that mom has had hard days too, but I overcame. I did things that were hard for me. I did things that intimidated me. I did things I didn't want to do because I had made a commitment, or because I felt it was the right thing, even though I was uncomfortable.
3: I want people to think (especially me) about how things they say can effect people for YEARS.
4: I just feel like I need to post it. I have learned from good and bad experiences to follow that feeling. There have been times I have followed that feeling and never known why. There have been times I have followed that feeling and known why. And there have been numerous times I didn't follow that feeling and don't fully understand the repercussions of that choice. In case you don't know what that feeling is, it is the
Holy Ghost, sent from a loving
Heavenly Father who knows what we need and how we can be an instrument in His hands to help others.
So whoever you are that needs this post (maybe me) here you go. You can do hard things. Watch what you say and how you say things. Do what you feel is the right thing even if you may not be as good at it as you think others are. And TRY (this one is really for me) to let go of hurtful things so you can have confidence and be happy!
