sOmething real - interesting

I am 28 tis yr... today is 21 August 2007 =0)

Nope, it's not my b'day. Moi celebrated a couple weeks haha mths ago.
Something broke within me.

Truly, real and painfully.
I had mourned over the loss for a couple of weeks. And I thank God for the frens and family who are there for me and also prayed. Thru' it all, I managed to face my emotions and also the loss, the pain of failing and also, my weakness (thinking too much).

How do I describe it ?
I was broken. Emotionally downed and pressed on many sides (at least when I was going thru' it, I felt so).

Kay, wat happened was I was talking for half a yr with a guy. A guy whom I thot was God-sent after I prayed. Well, tis kinda feeling happens before... =0) But I must be real to my feelings as a human being. I really felt so.
Gosh, that's where the first problem began. I liked him too fast and overlooked the fact that I barely know him, as a person, nor a fren. Too little abt him.

Here's the story:
Emailed, talked, talked, smsed, talked, met, met and went out. In twos, in a group.

There were happy and sweet moments. Yet there were also painful, silly moments where I felt totally "small" and insecure.
Guess this is how humans feel when they are exploring something which is called love.

Being firstly an 'amateur' in relationships and true communication, I hid my feelings and thots. Totally unaware of how IMPORTANT it is to communicate properly and to be a friend.
Well, nobody is perfect.
The story goes on.

He was Not exactly honest nor sincere. There were moments he actually 'lost his temper' and moments he teased me till I felt there was no respect.
Then I remembered the times I hid my thots from a person and withheld the feelings out of fear - yes, fear tat the person would 'forsake' me and go away. Kay lah, to be fair to him, I tink he was really sweet at times. I thank God for a person-friend like him. No matter wat, we will remain as frens ( i believe so, after the awkwardness fades away, we can smiLe and talk ).

Dun be surprised, tis is an area I am weak in and that's why though God tried to 'reach-out' to me, tis is an area which I hid my God and could not trust Him.

Finally after the sweet-happy moments and the silly-painful moments, the 'result' was out. He said he found me unsuitable.
(i am smiling now as i wrote tis, but....read on) I was devastated. Ha (in cold sweat), the 'deja-vu' kinda feeling which happened once when I was in JC, once when I was in NUS yr 2/3. I had almst 'vowed' before that I wld never fall in love (date) again.... keke. Almst such a real feeling tat i could feel the fear of ever trusting somebody again.


YUP, i can almst hate a person if I am not careful. Feelings of hurt & betrayal - can lead to insomnia & low self-esteem ( feeling ugly & stupid ). Negative n real yah, *red alert*.

Well, i never was in a relationship before (where a guy commits himself to me in an exclusive dating relationship to say he wants to go steady wif me). SO, i felt the loss - as in the premature kinda death/ abortion.

IT IS TERRIBLE. I am not kidding. I really felt so. Being me, I tend to 'analyse' and wana do something abt it. Anyways, I mourned, cried and 'analysed'. O ya, also lamented and deliberated over nites why, why, why and how. How to move on.

Sincerely, I tried to ask him why (but eventually did not). I tried to be a friend, emailed emails to keep the friendship going. There were also thots of how to win him back haha (really insecure and the jealous kinda). Actually tis kinda process seems to be natural, like a 'pit-hole' tat is v. black. However, it does not mean tat I am 'allowed' to be so. I know that such negative feelings can wreak my total health and life.

Losing is a matter of pride for me. Feeling the loss and emotional downs and not having somebody there as support is a TERRIBLE feeling. I tried to fill my extra time with activities.... and tried hard to smiLe (despite crying within & not knowing wat to do). Thots can be beyond control/ imagination. Till I read the Word of God (bible). Actually I honestly failed many times. Then I smsed/ called/ talked to my aunt, uncle, cell leader and fren. They prayed, I prayed, I told God I want to be well. To be secure. To learn to have faith. Practically and physically to move on and not dwell in tots. Only tonite, when I blog tis... really, after some 'breaking' and God's divine intervention, I can feel the freedom to talk abt it. I am healed. Not abt another person to be the substitute, nor faking something, nor rushing into another endeavor/ activity, but healed by God. Supernatural. No fear.
*************************************** **********************************

(the recap. of loss/ continuation of mourning 'births stupid thots and actions:) i duno how to get over him and continued mourning (ha).... wat i did, I just sent a card to wish him happy birthday (it was his birthday mth then) and then asked him to pray for me. It was too painful. I was seeking a closure. I also almst wanted to start dating other guys so as to 'fill the gap' and also 'get back at him' - to let him noe that it is his LOss...
=0)
So, I can be v.silly. Like loss of clarify, focus and fear of future direction.
***************************************** ************************************

Through tis, I really was glad God is God indeed, and He stopped me from being silly, gave me strength to face myself, disciplined me via His Word and pple NOT to do stuff tat hurts myself NOR engage in negative thots. Also stopped everythg tat continues to defeat my significance (not to let emotions ruin my life) and/ disturb my thots. God protected me and taught me to LET GO ! He also granted/grants me strength......work was/is v.tough these few days. Not-coincidentally...... it was a tough period of moulding.

And, I came to noe he is attached, someone whom I may noe... Ha, anyway, tots can ALWAYS run wild. Esp. during emotional down.
I hv learnt to guard my heart - and NOT TO DWELL IN THE MATTER. It is tough, but indeed it is NOT letting go that hurts, it is dwelling over the loss and Holding On.


Though there is emotional battle within me, immed. after e event and lotsa tots tat can defeat me, and rob me of joy, God was real. Prayers matter and count. I am finally able to say tat I am well.

I can smile. REcovering..... without running away. Managed to work in the midst of emotionally-weakened, believing Him once again. Tho' the fear of being single ('left on the shelf' kinda defeating tot) was real, now I can stay firm and STAND TALL to say that - I am lovely, valuable & will NOT be desperate.

I cannot see the future Nor Do anythg. I cannot stop going to gatherings -attend weddings & baby shower-parties. I cannot pretend nothing has happened.

I faced the reality truely. Truely, completely believing and thus healed. Of the past, of my insecurities (I will never be perfect but believing Jesus for a guard in emotions) and of pride (not to be prideful abt being a woman of beauty/talent). GOD has a plan for everybody and a beautiful future. Living in the present. PEACE ! AND, maturing as a lady and learning to be excellent, at work, in conduct and praying for others (not to be absorbed in myself).

Praise to God. Indeed as the bible verses say "..guard thy heart, as thru' it flows the wellspring of life..."; "...and we know that all things work for the good of those who love Him, according to His purposes"; "He had madeth all things beautiful in His time"; " dreaming is meaningless, stand in awe of God..."

It was truely difficult BUT He is always with me................. Not faking it, not trying to 'psyche myself', not indulging in material stuff, not afraid anymore to love another person (when He prompts) and not afraid to trust again, incl. trusting Him for my life partner. Not afraid to be single (just beginning to be set free of the mindset). It is not easy, will not be, but it is just purely faith I hv.

Cheers. God is real. O yes, He sends pple and grants opportunities of de-stress (off work) and also time to be occupied (wif essential activities of moulding & fun). Dance wif ministry =0) !

13 Aug to 20 Aug

Tis was the best time of hanging in there, to focus and enjoy the dance ministry practices, time with Hillsongs Aust.'s dance director & member-helper.

There were many new dance pieces we learnt and every one of them was enjoyable, amazing and meaningful. Dance is a communicative kinda movement and contains a message which God has created.

He has created all things beautiful in His time.
I believe now, more and more. I am not able to rush it - the process. =0)

Dear diary pal, let many read this and remember how God has brought them through the times they were down or confused and giving up - it was and is and will be in God's Hands and timing to see their fruits/ how GOD BLESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For God so loved us that we may Love.Hope.Faith and Peace.
For myself, I want to be more mature, and fixed my eyes on HIM and enjoy being blessed. I remember that IT IS HIM who holds my future and enjoy the process.

WOW, dancing can really exhaust me. I am so blessed to be a dancer, and learn many new genres of dance. Am strrreeeeeetttccccchhhheeed. Tiring week, am going to sleep nowwwwwwzzzzzzzzzzzz.

DAnCE !!!!!!!!!!!1

Dear Diary....
DAnce is Liberating and hElping me to enjoy life more !!!!!!!!!!
ANd enjoy the liberty and Joy in God even more....

Hillsongs Australia is here to teach the TouchDance (ministry in church) ministry dance and I am absolutely enjoying it !!!!!!!!!
and they showed DVD clips......of the Hillsong Aust. dance and dance-music pieces & also the yearly Women's Conference !
FABULOUS. It's a privilege to worship God and enjoy the worship. May the FCBC Ministry of Dance be like Hillsong's ! and even more.....

He has turned my mourning into Dancing !
=0)

dance is a form of communication tat expresses and reaches out....
and God also has sent Jesus down as His communication of LOVE< JOY> HOPE, PEACE to us !!!!!!!

praying for S'pore and tat means my frenz & family !!!

Dear 'diary' pal,

I hv to admit that growing up does not always mean v.good times. There is much to learn, to change and to be moulded.

Of coz the joy is when I overcome ! Yeah... happy that I am less rash now, less impatient and there's frens tat I can share with !

Recently met quite a few frens becoz I am participating in my church's 100K Blessing. =p meeting up was not intentional nor planned, just that God brings and brought them into my path... they hv so much to share and also much I can learn from.

It's been a while since i realised tat if I really want to, want to take time off to go overseas and study/ work or both, I need to plan, find out and talk to the right pple.

Yes, I am 28 tis yr, and I want to be skilled and focused. I like to eat, like to share, like to travel, and 'investigate' the way that things are done. Hospitality seems to be the way to go. However, there are other stuff put along my path that is helping me to grow up, learn to be in the business world... also in placed by GOD in GOOD TIMING and BENEFICIAL. Thus, maybe I wld tink for how long more I shd be in real estate. I believe more in praying abt it now as well.

Kay diary pal, I am logging off. Going to wash some stuff and spend time wif my mum.

God is good !
I am going to pray for my frens faithfully and believe they will be coming to know Jesus !
And indeed, they will have answered prayers !

Cheers.

after Legally Blonde II show

Hi-eeeeeee =0)

after watching Legally Blonde II, i feel great. Haha, yup, there is a bimbo in me. I love watching shows tat make me laugh and cry and feel freeee.

Anyways, I really believe in people, their gd positive human nature and also, the bright side of Life.
Though I hv been hurt by pple, 'tortured' by circumstances and disappointed many times, I still believe. In fact, I just went thru' a difficult emotional path and still, healing takes a process, I find Life good and God's real.

[juz prayed for my bro, for healing, I hv nonononono NO idea, but believe God will heal him, and he will resume normal duties as a NSman.]

Kay, I wana share abt the disappointment tat i hv, not gg to go public ... ... BUT simply. To say tat I felt so stupid, hving done sthg, felt so happie, having released my emotions, felt so sad, having lost the person/ relationship, YET, felt a NEW sense of maturity & CHANGE for being able to learnt the lesson, LeaRN more abt myself, AND learn to move ON, to live each day to its fullest.

=0)

Cheers !!!!!!!!!!!!

juz me........
fan of Reese Witherspoon & Julia Roberts.