so good!

i am very happy recently.....not because i strike toto or got a pay raise....hahaa, but because I feel God's grace is upon me.

I recently realised why I undergone depression and some sort of struggles and was not able to get "out" of it. It is because I hated a lot of the things I can't change and was angry, with myself, with God and with people.

In short, nothing seems beautiful nor positive.
Haha, was talking to a friend just yest. and realise she was going thru a hard time overcoming certain stuff in her life. She felt so low about herself and wanted to give up. We both agreed it is gd to know abt some weak points we have....she is not a believer of Jesus yet.

Anyway, I just overflow with new faith this week....duno how to explain. Somehow God seemed to have brought my "changing" period to a certain full-stop. I asked a lot, alot, alot, alot of questions for the past 2.5 yrs.

I did not get any ans but I got back myself, but renewed, more mature. A lot of things have happened, a lot tested my confidence, my level of thinking, my behaviours....etc.

It is good. Every thing has a season.
I am also glad I met up with old frens, frens whom I seldom see, frens whom I thot I have lost the friendship....frens whom I know are dear to my heart but dun get to meet up coz we are all so occupied....
It is vvery cool....coz God is in my life....note, I am no naive person/crazy, fanatic person but I really get to taste of God's goodness more and more each day!

To add on, I have a brand new year ahead.......I believe God will save the depressed people, I can be a blessing! Thank God for bringing me thru....truly, that I may be a tweeny weeny bit closer to being an understanding person too. To the ones whom i will get to meet on the street, in my workplace, in church, in my extended family, etc.

I like to share because I believe being a christian may probably be like walking against the flow many times. Not many times we will be strong, thus we all need to hold one another up.....CHEERS!

started jogging on tue and dance!

yeah! danced today...a little bit, coz I just returned, they are practising other stuff for performance, I was with a few others learning basics--ballet. SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!! really enjoyed....had wanted to do it since long long long long ago....finally got the chance. yeah!

one day -today's Thaipusam

was on the bus this morn....saw the Thaipusam people with all the head gear and needles....Also saw them again in the evening after work.....
was thinking abt them on and off when i saw them--Why do they want to pierce themselves?
it is said (from a colleague) tat they believe the pain is suffered as for their god.
i believe so, it is their kind of worship.

however, it is wrong, god who is loving wouldnt ask us to pierce ourselves, not in any case would it atone our sins too....
i wonder why the years went by like these.
Some pple says it is alike to Jesus, why christians say Jesus died on the cross to save people. Those who do not read the bible would not know.
Initially all God commanded was to keep laws and sacrifice ANIMALS. then He had to die on the cross for us not becoz He likes to torture Himself, but as an atonement for ALL people, because people would not believe such a God exists (i.e. loving enuff yet holy enuff to judge sin-which requires atonement)....

it is also part of the mystery people do not believe why God can come as man many many years ago as Jesus, why Jesus, God are one.

starting First DAY....

heezzzzzzz
today will be the starting for the jogging...
am going home directly after work. Feeling a bit tired now...but will do it! Yeh yeh yeh

also going to start tennis, as soon as the coach returns from Penang ...
yeah
Plus the jogging at Botanics Gdn, while wif my grandma---good for both of us! she likes to go wif me, i jog and also accompany her .......heez......

about wisdom

for the word 'she', refers to wisdom


Further Benefits of Wisdom 1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.

11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father [b] the son he delights in.

13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,
14 for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
15 She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.
18 She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

19 By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations,
by understanding he set the heavens in place;
20 by his knowledge the deeps were divided,
and the clouds let drop the dew.

21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,
do not let them out of your sight;
22 they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
23 Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble;
24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
25 Have no fear of sudden disaster
or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
26 for the LORD will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being snared.

27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it,
when it is in your power to act.
28 Do not say to your neighbor,
"Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow"-
when you now have it with you.

29 Do not plot harm against your neighbor,
who lives trustfully near you.
30 Do not accuse a man for no reason-
when he has done you no harm.

31 Do not envy a violent man
or choose any of his ways,
32 for the LORD detests a perverse man
but takes the upright into his confidence.

33 The LORD's curse is on the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the home of the righteous.
34 He mocks proud mockers
but gives grace to the humble.
35 The wise inherit honor,
but fools he holds up to shame.

do not blame yourself

i guess i wrote this entry becoz i realised a lot of pple blame a lot on themselves once they find something goes wrong... not many people get out of such a state when they are in it, i am like that at times.
sometimes caused by traumatic experiences, unhealthy family background or even influences from peers. unconsciously, it seems to be the usual way of getting comfort from themselves.
it seems tat a person is humble or even very 'wei da', but actually it stems from low self-esteem.....the person who suffers from such usu. feel even worse if a friend tries to talk him/her out of it. Perhaps only through continuous care and loving concern from genuine friends that he/she will get out of it. Patience needed.....
i think for myself, it is becoz of mentors and He, my God who sets me free from the anxiety and pleaser-mode. The low self-awarded, so-called 'esteem' is defeated.

a blessed life....nine years

I thank God for every single one of my frens, family and colleagues.
I thank God for every single event in my life, good and bad.

(i) came to know Christ
(ii) things good happening in family
(iii) bad patches in school, did not concentrate...did not do well
(iv) did not understd some things which happened, why God allowed...xxx....yy...
(v) issue of pride surfaced, fell from high position....
(vi) cannot believe God for blessing anymore, very sad, etc....
(vii) things got better, but from then on up and down....
(viii)blame many people 4 many things, cannot comprehend, asked y, y, y, low-esteem, depression, emotional entanglement
(ix) picking up, very slowly, so slowly i got very very impatient
(x) process of unwinding began and recognition of God's faithfulness though He is unseen
quarrelled with many people in the process....though
(xi) celebrating new processes that happened and are happening though I still question (i am v stubborn and have lotsa questionsss..... =0))
(xii) 2005, more complete healing, esp. in terms of emotions and growth in maturity, thinking less (in terms of anxiety), loving more....less inhibitions coz I know i am weak but HE is strong in my weakness(es)!

Praise God, We are BlessEd in SINGAPORE! We can be a blessing to many.....

very happy TODAY!!!!!!!

am very happy today!!!!!!!! a friend told me she's going for church services and coming to know God....she was very much the least I would have thought of.....and she was kind to share her joy with me.
Thank you.

BY the way, for my job- today lotsa tasks to do....but I will make the best out of my job.

my job.......

i am stressed at work.............

have a lot of new pple skills required, new adjustmts to lady boss....colleagues who r not happy, ....
and i realise that i need to follow their style of work.

work is just work......=0) really hope to do something i like, now stabilised n learn n then save. Some pple r doing wat they like, a lot of passion in wat they do n they excel!

continued....'Out of Egypt'

God blotted out my questions for a while. In the following days and weeks, I really sensed him carrying me through the painful 'loss' of my old life. There were times when I even forgot the pain, I was so overcome with the joy of the Lord and just being happy that I belonged to him. At other times, however, the reality of my situation would hit me. The magnitude of the task ahead seemed overwhelming, and I would question my ability to walk with God.

Giving up sex was not too hard. Ten thousand miles bet. you and your loved one dictates certain behavioural boundaries! But I phoned Australia at least twice a week, and wrote a letter every day. I did not launch into healthy same-sex friendships either. In actuality, I became a social recluse, venturing out only to go to church and Bible study. I was fearful of getting close to anybody because I just did not trust my wayward emotions.

Before long, it occurred to me that I wasn't really trusting that God had my best at heart. Loneliness consumed me. Some days I accused him of just wanting to spoil my fun.Other days I sank into pity parties, claiming God had given me a rough deal and that I could not possibly be expected to uphold my part of the bargain--trusting and obeying. After all, I was only human! Other times I 'white knuckled' my way through the day, hanging on to God and forcing myself to obey when I did not really feel like it. I was determined in my will to follow God, yet my emotions were desperate to feel the love and touch of a woman.

I was finding it no simple task to leave lesbianism behind. There were no easy methods or quick fixes, devoid of any pain or discomfort, which ensured a lifelong devotion to God. Quite the contrary, I found that healing involves facing our hurts head-on and walking through them.

continued....of the book

'God,' I whispered, half hoping that he wouldnt hear me, ' I don't want to play games with you. If I make this commitment and give myself to you one hundred percent, I need you to keep your half of the bargain. I need you to be there for me.' I paused, then took a step of faith. 'Okay, God, I'm yours.'

Unexpectedly, at that moment I experienced a searing pain. My heart felt as though it had been ripped from my body. I lay there, unable to move. Then I sensed a hand resting on my chest. Slowly the piercing pain transformed into a comforting warmth.

I opened my eyes and looked around the room. Will everything be different now? Should I have been blinded by a dazzling light? Or heard the Hallelujah chorus? Or seen the angels partying in heaven, celebrating my repentance? I dont know. All I know is that tears welled up in my eyes and tickled down my temples, soaking my pillow. One question continually repeated itself in my mind:
What do I do now? I really did not have a clue.

By turning myself over to God, I had turned my back on all that I had known from my children--my identity, my emotions, and my sense of purpose. Until now, my understanding of self, career, and friends had hinged on the pivotal fact that I was gay.

Now I had relinquished lesbianism--surrendered all that I had known-to follow God. I could not see him nor touch him. I barely knew anything about him. Am I out of my mind? It seemed so crazy, but I knew it was right.
But then, if it was so right, why did I feel as though I was walking out of a brightly lit place into a long, dark tunnel?

In 2 Corinthians 5:17 God tells us: " When someone becomes a christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun! "

I was a new creation. Although I seemed to be entering a dark tunnel, in reality I was entering into my new state as a child of God. The bright light was the familiarity of sin and a lifestyle I had embraced. The darkness ahead was unknown territory.

So many questions and fears plagued me at first. Can I live without sex? How will I cope with loneliness? Can I have female friends and not fall into sin? How can I relate to 'real' women?
Does this rejecting of lesbianism mean that I have to marry? Can I trust God to meet all of my needs?

I wanted to be obedient. But how was I to deal with my emotions and all those nagging questions in the forefront of my mind?

book: Out of Egypt by Jeanette Howard.

book: Out of Egypt

i decided to type this when I am free, at home. Motivation- left my ex-company but know God has touched many lives who are in need of healing....esp. for women in terms of homosexuality. I cant do much abt it. I love the pple but I know what they are inclined towards is wrong. If it takes a miracle, God has a message for their healing. The below book is written by a previous homosexual, how she walked in a victorious life after being healed of her emotions.

Btw, my 3 'goals' for 2005
are (i) deeper walk with God, (ii) praying for family, (iii) efficency at work (thus no extra emailing like this at home, will prioritise the typing from the book)...


******Chapt One*******

I laid back on my bed and sighed deeply. My bedroom was so cold I could see my breath spiralling up to the ceiling. It was two-thirty in the morning and outside the usu. busy road was silent. I stared at the ceiling, contemplating part of a scripture I had just read: 'You did not choose me, but I chose you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last' (bible book of John 15:16)

A realisation struck me suddenly. I did not have to choose God. He had already chosen me. All I had to do was receive everything he had to give me.

The past three months flashed through my mind. I recalled the first time a fellow teacher told me about God and His love for me. I remembered her surprised and pleased reaction when I first walked into church. I thought back to my recent Christmas vacation with another woman, my current lover. I considered her love for God, and her love for me. I experienced the sense of loss as I recalled leaving her at Sydney airport. I thought I had left God in Australia too.

But He had other ideas. As soon as I landed in England He made it clear that I had changed. Although I tried to resume my lesbian lifestyle, it felt uncomfortable and I felt out of place in it. What was once so appealing to me was now hollow. i had been around Christians too long. Their rich quality of life and love for Jesus stood in sharp contrast to the emptiness I was now feeling.

And now He was bringing me to a point of decision. God had already primed me concerning the 'cost' of this gift of salvation. For the past month I sensed that he had been speaking to me about my lesbianism. ' I know that you believe this is all you have. But I have something better. I have the best for you.'

God never told me what the best was. But I did know that in receiving Him I had to turn my back on lebianism. I was frightened. Won't I actually be rejecting myself and my friends? How can I explain this? Will my lesbian friends think I'm a traitor? To give up my lesbian identity seemed impossible. Yet, in that cold winter of 1985, I knew this was the only decision I could make.

If it was really God

as I wrote this this morn, I sense a sense of urgency of times. There were a lot of casualties in the tsunami hitting islands around Indian Ocean and I believe we in Singapore could have been one of them.

I duno if it was God but I know for sure that God really spared us in Singapore if it was Him. Nobody knows how great the casualty is until we see it face to face.

I thank God that a lot of things happened since 2002 for my life. I think it is always me in the picture and not others. God showed me how blessed I am, with my life, my family, my health, etc etc.

I thank God too for finally helping me to overcome my feeling of insecurity and low esteem (which crept in in the recent years), also the heart of ingratitude, impatience, incommitment and feelings of running away from situations which I cannot get answers.

Finally I also realise that I only cannot save the world, cannot change a lot of things, especially my family's salvation. I too cannot comprehend why certain things happen and not trying too hard to get things done my way.

Perhaps the tsunami was a bad thing that happened, but it also woke a lot of us up, especially those who are christians.

For those who do not understand why there is pain and suffering, etc....there is a series of books by Philip Yancey, non-intimidating and helping many to come to know who Christ is, why there is wars and suffering, I believe natural disasters included.

Christians: Arise for the Lord!

ARIse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & happy NEW year!!!!!!!!!!!

had a v wonderful time today at the indoor stadium....

always like dancing...n dancing for the Lord holds a veri special place in my heart.
this is different for me, coz it's dancing for the children! they r so adorable n sincere.=p

veri happi too as my parents r coming tmr......=0) it's the best new year present i can ever ask fr God. Feel like jumping extra high in dancing too.........
hope n pray in faith they will hear wat God is saying at such a time

:0) rest, muscles aching, cya all...