i am fail

how to demand responsibility and accountability from others?

if everyone could automatically (zhi-dong in mandarin) play their part and not leave their unfinished bits hanging in limbo while they holiday or work, i would be enjoying my holidays a little more and not get too stressed.

hello world, i'm the only fool who's been coming to school almost every day despite that it's the holidays. fine, granted - i've been playing with whatever time i have at home as well. but being in school for ~10 hours on weekdays and ~6 on weekends is crazy. where's my holidays?

i realise i take a long while to recharge. i need to get SICK of the holidays before i can be enthusiastic about doing work. what that really means is, i'm not gonna survive sem 2 because i'm still doing work and not playing till i start longing for academic torture. that's why i always 'die' mentally in term 3 of secondary and jc, because i've not had a proper break (what's a 'break' when there's holiday work to do?).

i think there's a problem with how i communicate with other people. somehow, i just cannot command enough respect to make others compelled to do their work or just do what i say. i feel like shouting some people down sometimes, but i always remember that i gotta see them (at least until i leave school) and it's not too pleasant if you're on either end. i can't really handle conflict, i guess.

i must enforce a 2-week no telephone/facebook/hotmail period for myself and i shall do a staycation somewhere. singapore or jb?

everything also don't know how to do... how...

must really be undergoing mental retardation, or i'm thinking too much

2010 is a bad year.

granted, i got pretty far in that songwriting thing (collaboration with friends, i must qualify. not wholly my work alone), but academically i'm in a slump!

and i don't know why i'm so slow in doing anything. why do i procrastinate whenever it comes to creating something...

i could have finished all my panels in time, i realise, if i hadn't spent so much time on photoshopping the earlier panel(s). thank goodness i bothered to create 2 panels a week before. else i'd only have ONE.

should have just printed out the other panels on thursday and get it stamped as 'late'.

and my model making skills are so cui. take so long, so little done!? why, why (friend said it's because i measure everything from scratch instead of pasting the printed plan over the material and cut along the lines, but i'm sure even if i had done all that i'd take a long time still).

i don't feel like i'm intelligent anymore! then again, i never thought of myself as intelligent, really. at least not until certain times in jc (science classes), post-jc/army, and 2009. apart from those years, i've thought i was pretty dumb. and i'm beginning to think so right now.

rather, i think i'm reaching the horizontal asymptote in my learning curve, when many other people are still climbing up. that's scary, really. maybe i've been really great till i was 21. from here on maybe i'll get brain retardation (you can't fully stop nature, can you) and i start getting more Bs and Cs. and watch as people who didn't do as well in uniform (primary till pre-university) school soar in university and beyond.

i just need a BREAKTHROUGH. to clear my mental blocks i've set up. or, at the very least enjoy what i'm doing.

come to think of it, i NEVER ONCE hated music composition way back in jc, when i could spend whole afternoons sitting at the computer and only coming up with a few bars of music (looks like my low productivity problem has manifested since a long time ago). but i so enjoy listening to the funny sounds i made on sibelius, trying to twiddle with the rhythms, change pitch, add staccato and legato marks... and looking (listening, rather) back, i laugh at the lameness of some of the music.

i had told myself, when i chose my university course, i'd be able to find the true passion for it. like how i managed to survive pre-university music. i'm NOT saying i HATE my course or the discipline, but something i've been doing kills much of the fun.

you know, my attitude last year is different from what it is today. waaay back when i first started out i honestly thought i was better and was in a good placing to do well, even top (because of stupid things like which jc i was from, figuring out how many other people bettered my 'a' level results, figuring out that people aren't very good/critical thinkers from the way they speak etc.) and, you know what, i DID top the level once (1st place shared with at least 3-4 others).

but that' just ONCE, i thought. and so, the previous couple of months i told myself it's not possible to stay there forever, and that i'll drop down someday. and i really did fall (quite terribly, an overall 0.3 drop in CAP... that's 0.6 less in that sem compared with the previous sem).

not possible to hang on to the elusive 4.5.... i think i just hope i don't fall below a 4.0 and get a 2nd lower (sounds yucky right).

i like to believe the CAP is still important because if you can do well in design as well as the other modules, it shows you're really good in design (duh), but also, importantly (which so many people miss out), you're probably really intelligent and can THINK. i still don't understand why some people are enamoured with just pretty things. where's the practicality, the real issues? the philosophy, the ideologies? i had thought people in my course are supposed to be 'the s(m)exiest professionals' according to a global survey.

HAA, so not true.

and i'm afraid i'm now classified as mediocre/average.

(ok end of rant)

The Sunday before the Monday...

I really dislike Sundays. For a normal school student it means going out, hanging out at favourite jaunts with friends, then cramming work (if you are diligent enough) in the evening and somehow manage to finish work by 11pm. At worst, you'll sleep at 12 midnight or maybe 1am. That's totally alright, because you'll just sleep through some classes and lectures, or get a good afternoon's rest after school on Monday.

For a university student, it's work work work on Sundays. I used to give tuition in the morning, sometimes even go out with friends in the afternoon. Now, even with all the extra time not doing much else but work, there's just not enough time? And, it's now normal that I get ~3 hours maximum of rest on Sunday night because I have to do work.

I blame most of it on my inefficiency. I just don't understand why I take so long to formulate things, from deciding what to write in an essay, to figuring out what needs to be in a community space for arts. And I get nowhere in my thought process until the very last moment when any time after that, I would have not enough time to finish what I had started.

As it seems, it looks like I have some idea how to do my work from the start, except that I'm always so hesitant to put the ideas down on pen and paper (or MS Word, or in cardboard and sections and plans). I really don't get how people manage to mitigate complicated relationships in any essay topic or design issue and come out with a workable solution so seemingly quick.

For example, my friend (let's just call him T). T is uber-efficient. T is super quick at doing all his renderings, his drawings, his essays. Well, it helps a lot that he's already proficient at drawing and anything Autodesk or Adobe (makes me wish I had gone against my teacher's wishes and took Art in secondary school. It has obviously helped in some ways - as much as people like to say an education in art doesn't do a lot, if at all, for an education in architecture).

Give me half his skills, man. Then I wouldn't be sleeping so late.

As much as I envy him for being such a work horse, I like to think that he is a no-lifer (don't worry, he's my friend and he's aware that I think this way and we are nice to each other). HAHA. I'm quite sure that he has a real life, like having friends and all that, but so many things he does seem to indicate otherwise. Watching lots of anime, being preoccupied with work to the extent that most of what he talks about in school (with others) is WORK. People know him for doing a lot of WORK. WORK is how he's defined. It seems he'll do any WORK he's given and he'll probably derive sick pleasure from doing WORK!

No, no, I'm not for not doing any work. It's just that he gives the impression that all he does is work or anime (so geeky, right). I know very well that I'm wrong. He somehow has time to gym!?

What I'm slightly unhappy about is his frequent lapses in sensibility. Like, slightly irrational thinking (manifested in daily things and in work, sometimes). But in the end, I guess he's still a happy man for finishing all his work on time (what you don't know won't hurt you, in that way)! And my worrying about this and that and how everything contradicts each other tends to stop me from finishing up my work fast.

In contrast with T, another of my friend, L, is a workhorse but he seems to be much more 'normal'. In the sense that he still works works works, but is shrewder in getting work done. (Maybe I value intelligence a lot.)

Okay, I'm also to blame myself for playing quite a bit this semester. However, I maintain that finishing that game is the better choice. From past experiences, I tend not to replay games. So, if I finish what I had started during the recess week (a very bad idea - I had bought the game for my brother, which he didn't play! A little reward for surviving six weeks of school turned out to be an addiction that's to last for another 5 weeks), I won't be playing the game anymore. Today, I finally managed to complete the game and vanquish those demons. I hope the demons in me go away too. Thinking about it, the amount of time spent playing is about as long as the amount of tuition I gave in the same period of time exactly last year. So, by right I can handle it, right?

You know, the problem with me is that deep down inside, my over-confident subconscious tells me I have more than enough time to do work. I have an uncanny ability to waste the maximum amount of time doing everything else before I actually focus and zip through the entire work (and that, as it seems from the assignment grades I got from last year, gives me a not-very-good-but-decent B+). It also appears that my strength lies in exam cramming. I somehow have been getting good results for any study-able module (I really hope that is sustained).

But things are going to get harder! HOW?

I need more external pressure. You know, just a few weeks ago for the first time ever I actually felt nervous before a crit? In fact, during the week(s) leading up to that crit the very thought of the word 'design' or 'studio' or 'tutor' (or whatever keywords there are related to what I'm doing) gives me palpitations? So obviously, my subconscious has some idea of what lies ahead if I don't put in effort for design. BUT, why am I not pressured to work fast? I just don't get it.

Also, also... hopefully my life in general gets better as soon as possible (probably in three weeks from now). Like, do some exercise, behave normally, sleep well.

There are many things I'm glad for this semester, though. Meeting many new friends (mostly seniors), getting to know some of my batch mates more. I hope I gain much from this semester academically, or achievements-wise as well...

[this post is going to be used as analysis fodder for a module i'm taking in school. lol i can't escape work, can i.]

strongly dislikes hypocrites

at least when i get angry and scold people i NEVER make it personal. because i know what it feels like to receive personal hate.

can't believe that /it/ happened right there. and over such a trivial matter, too.

eventful day

1. clean up of place... i'm so happy that there's quite a few people who're willing to sacrifice their precious time to help out, when so many other people aren't free/pretend to not be free :))

[hope that my crankiness isn't too overbearing on people today]

2. received my complimentary copies of the yog album!!!!!!!

when i first heard my song, played back from the cd on a school comp, i got really upset because the quality seemed inferior to the other songs on the album. but here i am on my macbook at home and i think it sounds pretty good :)

3. MY SONG WAS PLAYED IN PUBLIC, WOOHOO! friend was about to watch a movie at lido, and it was somehow broadcasted over there hehhheh...

end of a 2 month long hiatus from the blog.

felt that i should write a post here. because i'm experiencing a lot of awesome things that even my heart - blanched, numbed and sterilised from the fairly recent past - can feel.

1. a senior and a friend whom i know is just, pure awesome T_T he could have very well been like my peers and lead a normal awesome life, but, no. i (stubbornly) refuse to believe in some things others say about him; without what he has done, some things would not be as good as it is now.

pondering about what he had said, i'm so glad i decided to join usp and not just stay in my home faculty. the people over there (usp) make my university life more complete (and hopefully the modules to come will be top-class, i'm pretty sure the usp ones will). although i complain to whoever asks me about going overseas, that i'm envious that so many peers are studying elsewhere, i'm actually - honestly - really contented with the opportunities nus has (didn't realise that i HAVE BEEN contented all this while till now; moaning about not having a scholarship/cash to be in uk or usa is probably just some stupid innate mecahnism in me that tries to explain away me being the anomaly within the alumnus of the 'ivy league gateway' college).

2. met up with a few old army friends. am very thankful and apologetic towards my oc, who just treated his past and present commanders under his charge to a dinner costing (or so i heard) a whopping FOUR DIGIT SUM!? omg. he's too nice in this aspect. i sincerely hope his future will be awesome for him. he's a fantastic person.

anyway, a friend whom i have not met for more than a year unexpectedly turned up. actually, i really hoped to keep our friendship tight, but he's been such a horrible hermit that i hardly got to chat with him during this one plus year, or my attempts on msn failed miserably. don't get me wrong, we get along together well. used to. and so, i actually decided he's not worth the upset feeling i go through whenever i try to message him and told myself to forget him. and so i did. and i didn't expect him to be so happy to see me this evening. or rather, i (ironically) didn't expect myself to be less ecstatic than would be expected if this chance meeting were to happen one plus years ago.

and, i dislike so much the amount of noise a bunch of NSmen/NSFs can generate, especially over lame conversations. anyhow, thankfully i was seated with people i am totally comfortable and familiar with. and i vaguely missed my bunk for a moment (omg) (then again, the bunk and the empty company line especially at night were really lovely places then, when the campus was still a dismembered arm of school one). at that point, i wished i was closer to a few of my friends i found in the army. thank you, to another friend whom i sat with today, for being so genuinely interested in what i've been up to. you're awesome..

3. omg about rag and o-week. this year's o-week is nothing short of WOW. the programme is seriously so good. the meet your major session, picnic, semi dress-up dinner with dining hall tables... OMG.

rag ah. oh please let it be good. thank you mr awesome for your provoking reflections, which i'm SO FREAKING SURE is the main cause of the spike in sign ups for manpower services.

4. brother just got conscripted and he's apparently having a destructive (i mean, negative) mindset in there. didn't get to send him off because i couldn't get out of o-week (ARGH).

and then, i read a forwarded email about how a junior got attacked by muggers and has some members amputated. and i think about my brother *SHUDDERS*. omg i hope he's alright.


closing remarks.

i've not been processing what's going through my mind for so long. i hope i'll grow stronger and re-visit my formerly introspective mind. realise that without that, i'm so lost for words whenever someone else asks me a question.

OK I'M DAMN TIRED NOW I JUST GOT BACK FROM CAMP/DINNER. night.

the bridge got removed ):

it's mostly my brainchild... the modulation (it's in a third related key!!!), the variation of chord progressions, the melody... and the lyrics are nice too (admittedly i didn't write most of the lyrics)

it's ok, i'll get over this quite soon haha! not sad or upset or anything. just, slightly apprehensive about listening to the complete track without the bridge, and having no idea about how it'll sound like...

came back from the recording session... sounds good so far :)

my little dream to be a musician has been re-ignited, again...

i really need to pia very hard on composing on the computer. i'm years behind time ):

travelling woes!! and more

i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself

i stupidly booked a promotion flight on the 8th, and the exhibition date's on the 9th.

so, i gotta book a NEW flight because SQ is that firm about no refunds or upgrade of seats.

you know what? the most pissing thing is that the 2nd time i called SQ, the woman on the other side said i could UPGRADE THE TICKET IF I PAID $423. THEN, THE THIRD, FOURTH, FIFTH TIMES I CALLED THE MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE ADAMANTLY SAID IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

apart from the fact that i'm about to lose $500 ($700 of total fees minus $200 of refundable airport taxes)... ok, fine, it's a promotion ticket and refunds aren't possible. or so the r&r says. then, why did the woman say otherwise? i told the 3rd/4th man (same) that the 2nd woman quoted the price, $423. then he claimed he 'checked with the woman' who served me and the woman said she never said that.

HA. saving their asses, right.

and, please get attendants with less accents and speak slower.

on the other hand, it's so hard to navigate around the other airline's website. i'm trying to book a cheap flight on the other airline now, i made a second stupid mistake of only booking a one-way ticket to shanghai when i should have just booked a two-way. didn't know about no-show policy. took me a GOOGLE SEARCH to find the customer service page so that i can call the singapore branch office tomorrow. fantastic.

i am an airplane ticket reservation noob.

add to the frustrations of portfolios, publication, ippt, and buying the expo entry ticket (which i'm still clueless about), i feel real murderous and want to take it out on somebody!!!

to do during the holidays: find a job.

***

the exhibition is taking a toll on my sanity!!!

can i just not do anything at all!? omg the supposed three month-long holiday is effectively only TWO months because of the portfolios and exhibition [which i'm not even excited about]!!!

it takes: at least 10 minutes to photoshop just ONE file, and i have hundreds to do!? 10-15 minutes is probably quite a bad estimate, for outrageously hard-to-photoshop photos (because i'm a photoshop noob) it takes a couple of tries to save the photo = more time.

why am i not enjoying myself now?? or am i over-worrying and complicating matters...

can i just quit school, now now now. go find a job, live day to day just working and relaxing. just escape!!

found 2 more versions! an updated, contemporary one by lulu herself, and a cover... his deep voice is so good.

a favourite movie soundtrack

one of my favourite mandarin evergreen songs...

i love the chorus at 1'06"... beautiful melody and simple lyrics...

i don't totally get the verse though...

i somehow remember the english lyrics to the chorus, after all these years (probably around 15 years?)

this is not supposed to be artsy or lyric-sy

(my thoughts appear in my head in phrases, like this)

people from my [edit: NS] past reappear

and i feel connected with them

wonder about what they went through

who they are now

the feeling is like sipping your drink while watching people walk by

from the comforts of a cafe

and you made it a point to dress nicely to meet a friend

if you're not too picky almost any acquaintance will do

if s\he has an interesting story to tell

or has a good presence

the feeling's quite fleety

comparing our lives with intertwining ribbons

they coiled, knotted, tangled, and along the way they separated

now we're touching each other

and we look back at the tangles and laugh about it

i've lost my tendency to make deep friendships

most friends come and go and i have accepted that

suddenly when an old acquaintance strikes a conversation and chord

you feel closer to him/her than when you knew him/her before

but nothing has changed

it's just that sharing each other's nostalgia and memories draws each other closer

as i slowly trudge through my life

i look back and see that i actually was floating through

floating alongside other people

people whose lives rub, knot, entangle with yours

and then someone lets go

that's how it is

so dumb to write about these at such a time. but maybe that's why i don't ask for much in people nowadays! [: everyone has a long life story of epic proportions behind them, as retarded or banal as they seem. the way they are now is a results of their epic story and maybe they're not always to blame for their slip-ups. so, i'll just give people the benefit of the doubt and...

there's a correlation between this and the kind of friends i have. is it...

... the more i expect of people, the more i interact with them, and the closer i get?

because, if i let people go, my imprint on other people's minds are less deep?

on a side note: i'm on the holding line for singapore airline customer service...

... for 31 minutes and counting >.> put my home phone to loudspeaker. would get cramps holding the receiver to the ear otherwise

wish

getting a headache from worrying about everything...

things won't fall in place unless i take action...

but i'm not strong enough... ahhh...

till now, i have not considered myself as a man...

... i still think i'm a boy!? 22 years old and still a boy.

i felt like a man for a good 18 hours, when i was left alone in a hotel in melaka. i was alone. i did whatever i liked in the hotel room, and went out to walk about at night. it felt so good. i felt so independent (never mind that the room was paid for, but, hey, i handled the check in-out myself ok), i felt so MAN! haha.

maybe i should move out of house. i'll grow up faster that way.

it's funny, that i look at celebs profiles and instinctively think they're older than me. hey, i'm as old as many of them now!!!

maybe it's the way i dress. the way i act and think, definitely.

ok back to work

guilt-filled weekend

i confess to:

1. sleeping too much

2. PROCRASTINATING and not working on my essay (my CAP will suffer because of this)

3. not re-making my model fast enough for reeebaaa

4. watching too many snsd videos

5. overeating

everything an archi student shouldn't be doing during the sem!

and i shall increase my productivity from tomorrow!

this weekend really nua3 like mad. and i realise how emotionally strained i am, when i was close to (happy) tears while watching hairspray on tv just now (ok, 6th sin).

i thought that i was coping fine emotionally but i think maybe there's a welled up reservoir of frustrations deep inside me. it's like, occasionally you feel so stressed but you wonder, how come i'm not crying? if crying is a sign of weakness i say i'm really strong throughout my first year, so far.

and what's wrong with me. everyone's so busy with the exhibition and i'm over here in, well, not paradise but am on the way to it (ok, because i've not been called up to do anything yet - soon). i should be mugging my guts out for the exams because there's little time. i should be tearing my brains apart doing the freaking difficult essay (seriously) but, no, i'm too nua3 to do anything. ho ho ho.

for myself

1. i rant too much on this blog. makes me sound as if i'm sixteen years old haha! it's rather sad i don't read much about current affairs, narcissistic(?) me.

2. this sem is screwed up, academically, for me

i really like the chorus!

on a different note, i'm not liking that i'm a retard in writing essays. even a 1200-word assignment stumps me, much less a 2000-word one.

die already, CAP will die...

1st april 2010

i finally have a not-much-of-a-break kind of break. tgi(g)f.

on thursday i had to leave school in the mid-afternoon, and then, i saw the freaking sky. it was clear blue, and i wish i could go to swim then. SIGH.

i think the main difference between jc and uni lives is that although both are really stressful, in uni the deadlines keep coming and you don't have time to time to emo, and then, suddenly the exams are over and you get a real holiday.

notes to self...
wct today, tomorrow design all-out, sunday wct and design. how formal should i wear for the final crit of the year?

this year's been just as crazy as last year. lotsa school work, the YOG competition, upcoming FOC preparations - will i have time for myself? i like to indulge in personal growth :x read 4 novels in 6 weeks of holiday, hope i've time to keep reading during the 3-month long break.

notes to self...
learn photoshop, autocad, rhino, 3dstudiomax? compose many songs - good or bad - to build stock library just in case. read lots of novels, current time news and architecture. if time permits, enrol in piano school.

a friend suggested (i think he said this on a whim) that i should just quit school and compose and sing. HAHA! I WISH I COULD DO THAT!! if only there would be growth opportunities (good salary raise) for that. who'd have the guts to quit school and have a normal, less worrysome life?

and then he mentioned rjc people have a tendency to buck against the norm (really?) e.g. kit chan, corrinne may, selena tan... haha. well, when i have kids i'll encourage them to do just that.

happier things (just for self to remember as the days go by):

kent ridge production - went there just to watch and support abovesaid friend who's the set designer (haha). the first half songs were good! i wish i could compose like that. (to self: make time for composing songs for future productions... hm, i don't know where to find that, though).

IMOGEN HEAP LIVE!!!!!! it was supposed to be a post-submission treat for me, but the ticket
was too costly($111!!) to throw away. and thankfully, i didn't forego my seat. she's so....

T_T

the picture above's the set design, taken with my lousy mobile phone. the recording below (here's a little treat) is also recorded with my phone. damn, should have brought along my camera in case. everyone was recording the show like no one's business - what happened to IP rights?



ah, her songs are so good! and she's a wonderful person, it seems, as well!

ok, back to work. very worried about my grades...

IDOL

my conductor's autobiography's out! i pre-ordered some copies of it through a friend and pored through the book once i got my hands on it.

really admirable that he dared to go against the norm and pursue what he loves to do.

mr t0h, if you happen to see this (i think you probably would!) i think your life story's really amazing and i look up to you for overcoming all those obstacles and getting to where you are now. in fact, my dad's interested in reading your book when i waved my copy in front of him haha (partly because he likes reading about fellow countrymen, too.)

***

if interested, you can order a copy of the book here.

MY TUITION KID IS 無藥可救！！！ don't know what to do with him. primary three and his comprehension is so poor, he's considered a retard.

this week

i can't help but quite like my minus one track (lol)

i hope everyone would like it, too. i just need to touch up abit of stuff and i'm all set.

this week is gonna be extremely shiong, intensity same as 2 weeks ago :\ but i'll pull through... (hopefully my drawings aren't last minute again SIGH.)

greetings from melaka, heh.

ok it's almost 8pm and i haven't had dinner yet!! am supposed to walk about jonker street.

ok time to rush rush. am SO EXCITED about tomorrow and the days after. touring melaka (romanticised yea yea) and having fun with friends...

on a rather happy note, i think i'm nearly or already done with the final version of my minus one track! :D

back in malaysia for one entire week! 4 days of cny-ing and another 4 in melaka for a school field trip :D am really excited about the school trip.

random stuff:

had a sudden urge to play on my super old snes system when i reached jb O_o it took some time for the video to load properly - it was black and white and distorted for a while - but it finally got its act together and my brother and i played through a game. quite a few of the games i own are real gaming classics - super mario world, teenage mutant ninja turtles, mega man x, donkey kong country. (wistful smile) played by myself until 4am, when i decided i had to stop, shower and sleep a little before travelling. so fun, the little bits of nostalgia that hit you.

was slightly surprised my extended family waited for my family to arrive before starting to eat, and that was at 9pm!! geez >.<>fantastic jams! towards... malacca, and... ipoh? good grief.

and, i spent the first few hours of cny WITHOUT ELECTRICITY! so amusing! but very hot. the house is so badly designed, without fans there'd be no ventilation. had to light candles and place them around the rather large two-storey house.

ok, that's all for now. should start reading up now for holiday work T_T

oh, and htmail is like, down? this is terrible. maybe i should switch to gmil for ever.

wow, haven't posted anything in two weeks!

so much has happened during this time, i'm so glad i survived it! new workshop, song competition, writing module essay... it's crazy...

quite happy that my design got all the way through, my song got to the finals, and i got B+ for my essay (i must admit it was badly written but i didn't have enough brainpower to improve it in a few hours). not bad for last minute rushing (:

ok, now i gotta rush to pack up my stuff. back to m'sia for a WHOLE WEEK. am so excited to stay in malacca with friends (albeit for school field trip)

random thought: if i could eke a decent living as a songwriter/arranger/producer, i would...

reminder to self. wake up call!

don't get complacent! DL was last sem, everyone's now on level ground again!

don't believe what everyone says, about being DL, about having a high enough cap to relax now!

i suppose i've less time for studio now because of the songwriting thing and the writing module.

but, still!

clifford, buck up!

***

omg, there isn't ONE day that passes without the mention of DL.

>.<

not to mention, i think my crit didn't go very well. i'm to blame.

very stressful, if you care about your rep. so that's what it's really like over here. you get that feeling those just slightly under can't wait to move up. yea, the competitive-ness can get unhealthy, but isn't that what spurs (ethnically) east asians to do their best!

ok, from today onwards, i will go full throttle on writing and design!

the first month of 2010: bleak realisation

seriously, all of my module lecturers/tutors are awesome! am so happy about that.

BUT, am unhappy about: workload. and myself.

maybe it's just myself. not able to handle things critically anymore. i think way back in 2008-9 i slowly gave in to the easy way out of life, to un-critically let things pass through, to not care or emphatise about things. sure, it has made my emotional well-being better, not introspecting myself and conclude invariably that i'm a failure.

[EDIT:] 4 years (2005-2008) of steadfast friendships gone rocky and fallen apart (how true were those friendships, or, more correctly, how willing were we to keep it going) have hardened me, i suppose. i realise, now, that many people have a few very close friends whom they can share anything with. i used to have those kind of friends. just one at any period of time. but they make all the difference. now, i don't have an affinity to anyone at all. there's nothing much close to heart any of my friends and i discuss, right now. like, i'm very sociable with lots of my course mates - we have lots of fun and laughter and all - but i don't feel an attraction to any of them as chummy friends or anything of the sort.

(in that respect i miss my jc days, when it's so easy to htht.)

[ed: added these in after reading a used-to-be-close friend's recent blog posts. i really do hope he's coping with his loss better, soon.]

[end of edit]

add that to my (now WRONG) realisation/conclusion that my mind should drift like deadwood so that i won't have emotional swings. my experiences and, more significantly, what i drew from them made me impervious to reflective thinking. but, i need those reflection skills BADLY. especially because design is starting to get more critical and realistic, plus i have the writing module (OMG I'M NOT CATCHING UP WITH THE CLASS AT ALL. PANICS.)

on the other hand, i'm really so glad i'm in usp. everyone there is seriously intelligent, more intelligent than me, i think. contrasts quite a bit with the average nus student (may i assume my course mates to represent the average.)

and, as my tutor says, the cutoff grades for admission to my faculty/school is now lower than for fass (the fabled 'dumping ground' for students who can't make it into any other course in nus, which now i think is SO UNTRUE. it is quite competitive, really). the real dumping ground is ...!

(can't wait for exchange, in that respect)

but, i suppose it's due to two factors. one, the usual straight-A dude/dudette would study med/law/acct/biz/engine/econs. two, the straight-A dude may not be visually/artistically inclined, being the textbook mugger he is (stereotyped, i know).

i wonder if i'm good enough to handle it, though. sigh.

OK BACK TO DRAFTING A 1000-WORD PAPER IN ONE NIGHT. OMG. hating this.

TOP 30 SEMI-FINALISTS

'BRAND NEW DAY' IS NOW TOP 30! :D

please continue to vote for the song, thank you!

cliff

YOG songwriting competition - please support =)

my friends and i have composed and arranged two songs as competition entries for the inaugural 2010 Youth Olympic Games :D

they're pretty good tunes (being as objective as possible) and yea, please support us!

especially when quite a lot of the other songs submitted are not up to scratch. like, boring run-of-the-mill mandopop-esque or nursery rhyme melodies that don't fit the words.

vote for 'brand new day' by milieu therapy (you have to ctrl+f to find it) and 'song for a champion' by archidudes!

very simple, just go to this website and vote!

http://singsingapore2010.nyc.sg/

thank you!

*just a quick explanation of the songs:

'brand new day' was conceptualised with the idea of having an ndp-like song. imagine stefanie sun singing at the national stadium, replete with pyrotechnics and dancing. and, the mv will have images of a clear blue sky and a nice large green field (marina barrage?) with nice sunlight, and youths running about and all.

the lyrics talk about one's dream actually coming true. and that one will 'shine in [one's] own way' in the heat of the competition. lots of positivity radiating from the song.

i also tried to break out from the usual, overused intro-verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorusx2 that are 8 bars long for each part. i abridged the 2nd verse (since 2nd verses are usually quite boring) to introduce momentum. i used an uncommon chord throughout the song as well (to colour the song in a more vibrant and compelling shade).

'song for a champion' is a laid-back, heartfelt conversational song that climaxes towards the end. it's soft rock in style, very accessible. the lyrics are simple and meaningful as well. it's about a fellow sportsman-friend who who never fails to help whenever one's in need.

the song is masterfully recorded and produced by a mutual friend :) very clean and professional indie kind of sound.

the lyrics are brought out by the melody with undulations with note value to emphasise important words. such as the keywords 'look' and 'see' in the opening lines.

and, the song's easily reproducible live. possibly a very good thing for stage performances!

sem 2

i don't know why, i feel extremely stressed now (and school barely started.)

i think it's the song composition contest thingy that's stressing me so much. oh man.

i will be upset if the song doesn't make it through to the semis or finals. geez.

but school's quite fine so far. am looking forward to design/climate responsive. i have good tutors, yay.

not sure how i am going to squeeze in time for all these, i think somehow everything unravels themselves and everything will be fine, i am telling myself that now.

OK. BACK TO GARAGEBAND x_x

book reviews (3)

i had already read two caravans (or strawberry fields in usa/canada) by the same author prior to this.

both books are social/political commentaries about the author's home country, i guess. the social contexts depicted in both novels are similar: the protagonist is a ukrainian emigrant who lands up in uk, and grapples with, amongst other things, ideological and lifestyle differences with her counterparts who emigrated from the less developed/communistic side of ukraine.

the design of the books are amusingly soviet(?) in style: colours, graphics, alignment(??)

well, i mean, isn't the book cover important. as shallow as it sounds, things like that gives some indication of the substance within.

fluffy things aside, i guess lewycka's style is decidedly 'non-western' (if that is to mean, mainstream american or british) and is flavoured with eastern european. it's exotic, unrestrained, introspective, and real.

very often, the protagonist, nadezhda, would pepper the narrative with side, non-sequitur thoughts, which gives the narration appear more intelligent and thoughtful, or at least display awareness of the self.

what i found not very appealing, though, is the bits of ukrainian tractor history thrown in at various points throughout the novel. i felt it was really hard to draw parallels between the history extract and the happenings in the novel, in spite of the extract being opinionated, something about the author's views about capitalism, technology and the ukrainian government. i'm sure there is a purpose to the (boring) passages, though.

the characters, more often the antagonists, are caricatured. like, valentina is made out to be a fat voluptuous pink fluff ball with too much make up who tries to squander nadezhda's silly dad of all his money. which is similar to vulk from two caravans.

i felt that the novel did not reach a real climax, maybe not in the hollywood (heart-stopping) sense. somehow the conflicts introduced early on in the novel were sorted out gradually. like how nadezhda's dad finally sought for divorce from valentina, and how nadezhda patched up with her sister.

oh, come to think of it, the recollection of vera's childhood as told by nadezhda is memorable and poignant. it's probably the only serious long stretch of prose in the book, and it shed light about the then present, about why the sisters behave as such.

overall, i think the narration style is pretty much the most exciting bit about this novel. unlike the usual(?) novel which tends to summarise the thoughts of the characters, the characters in this novel are kept realistic by the constant insertion of little antics and thoughts.