To her

I guess sometimes blogging does help. I can pour all my feelings out all at once. And i'm not afraid of hiding.

Sorry for my long absence, i don't see a need to blog as i deem it troublesome. But now i have to get some stuff off my chest. In this wonderful year of 2011, i've meet someone who i want to be serious with. Although the place i've met her is not exactly one that is where someone would actually find his/her soulmate, i guess i was lucky. I've knew her since end of march. As all my close friends would know, i've had a my own fair share of relationships, some serious some were kinda not and most kept from my parents. Now that i'm a bit older and understand relationships more, it's about time i stop "playing" and "settle down".

Ever since i knew her and everytime we went out, be it with her, mine, or our friends or just us alone, i've never felt so happy. As cheesy as this may sound, i just felt that the empty part of my life is filled. I've never felt this way so strongly ever before. She's the girl that i wouldn't mind telling all my friends about. She's the girl that i don't mind telling my family. She's the girl that i want to be with forever. I guess i'll never find another girl who's open, straightforward and so so matured and non-materialistic like every other singaporean girl nowadays.

My life has pretty much changed ever since. Now i prefer to go out with her and spend more time. Going anywhere and doing anything is fine as long as i'm with her. Sorry to all my friends out there if i'm "neglecting you", but i hope all of you understand. You will understand how i feel one day. I guess people might call this the honeymoon period.

The reason why i'm blogging again is because recently i kinda make her sad and disappointed. THis were pretty smooth sailing until this month. I guess i was getting too comfortable and being insensitive and oblivious to her feelings. As much as i need her, i forgot that she needs me too. Stupid NS and her uni have both restricted our freedom and time to meet up, so all we get are precious weekends further limited by NS and uni exams. I guess sometimes the way i say things kinda convey the wrong message to. Instead of saying: "i want to meet you" , saying: "i don't mind meeting you" gives the wrong message. I know this might sound silly, but she's at her low point now, and i was selfish and did not care for her thoughts. She really needs me last night but i ended up catching up with my NS friends and went clubbing. Yes yes, u can scold me, give the disapproving look and all. But we talked about this all the time, anyone of us can go clubbing with anyone as long we tell each other. We don't want to restrict one another. But the downside is, we tend to say: "go lah, nevermind, i'll see you tomorrow." But in fact we do want each other's company.

And the fact is, she really sacrificed alot for me. She blocked out her precious weekends for me and my family instead of going out with her friends and squeezed time out for me instead of studying for her exams. I fail to realise that. Hey, i don't hide it, i'll put it straightforward in your face: i was an insensitive bastard and fail to realise that behind her happy facade, the smiling face encouraging me every night with my limited 10 mins of phone call that everything is fine and that she's just tired, is actually a very lonely figure. Someone who is attached but felt like she's not getting enough care and love. Someone who gave so much but not receiving enough. Someone who"s really in need of me. And i wasn't there for her.

I guess it's not too bad that i'm tearing as i speak now. I actually do care for her. Now things have gone a bit cold and she's in school now, having lessons. We do have a family buffet later as it's my cousin's birthday. I felt happy that my aunt actually invited her and paid for all of us. But i wonder how it'll be like later. Would we be putting on our masks giving a show in front of everyone that we are still lovey-dovey? I wish it would be genuine. We want to put this behind us but hey, the scars are there already.

Enough apologising, I just want to say that this has got to stop. This relationship needs effort from both sides. This will serve as a reminder to myself that i'm getting too comfortable and i should start paying her more attention. I'm not gonna go clubbing with friends anymore unless she's going. Even though she always says she's ok with it, she's not.

So i'm gonna put it up to the public eye, as all my witnesses that i, Xavier Ong, will do what i promised here and to make my girlfriend, Peggy Tham, a happy girl once more.

Take care peeps :)

2010

Yup, back this year to revive the blog. Been saying this too many times. Noticed that there are stalkers that view this occasionally. HA!

Right, i'm happy to make it to JC 2. However, i can honestly say that my foundations are weak. Extremely weak. I really need to brush up on everything. There has been too much gaps missing and too much time wasted. Guess i'll be one of those people struggling all the way till the end. Keep getting myself distracted. Argh, have to constantly chide myself.

Well, it's my SYF year for Drama. Have a minor role in it. It takes up quite a lot of my time. So yeah, have to plan my time now. March holidays are a luxury which i can't waste. So yeah, really gotta study! I just want to pass MBTs for now, scoring can wait till a later date. Walk before i run.

Gotta study, cheerios~

2010 soon

Just in a few more hours it will be a new year. I could say the last 2 months of '09 have been an awesome one, making me forget about everything that's unpleasant. But still, one lingers on..

Yeap, my grandpa. I'm sitting in my room here, typing this at 2.33am. Parents are sleeping, and i can hear my grandpa coughing and groaning at times, the sound of him shifting in bed and the bed creaking. It's been great that relatives are turning up, concerned about my grandpa. Wouldn't say the same for my grandma but let's not bring THAT up.

Everyone's telling me to be strong. Of course, i am. I can still manage right now. The first "emo" post was just a sudden feeling. Right now, i'm here to update more, in case you are wondering. I've said last month that he might just pass on suddenly, but i believe the old man cannot bear to leave. He's still struggling on day to day. His diet? Porridge, just about 5 spoonfuls. Anything soft just few portions. And some days, he'll just eat breakfast and nothing else. He can't go to toilet frequently a month ago. Now he wears adult diapers which have to be changed by my parents or just me and my mum. He weighs 60+ kg in the past. Now he's 30+ kg. He cannot get up by himself, on his bed the whole day and often coughing out phlegm. What we are afraid of is him choking.

My grandpa, i believe, can bear tremendous amounts of pain. I believe that he's hurting like mad now, but he just keeps quiet. How could u have more than 5 growing tumours in your head, and some growing in your body, and not hurt at all? Right now if you enter his room, you will see a frail old man. You can see his ribs showing, you can see his hairless head, his skinny arms and legs. But what struck me each time i look at him is: THE EYES. The eyes wander about. I'm not sure what he's thinking. Sorry if it's dramatic, but i feel that he sees his life flashing past him. He's looking through his memories, feeling sad and do not want to let go at all. In a simple phrase: he can't bear to let go.

The closest family member to him, i think, must be his brother. He often calls my grandpa when he's healthy. Now, he make frequent trips to see him. He's my grandpa's elder brother. He's still quite fit though. He makes personal trips to see grandpa. Just recently, he entered my grandpa's room, and got a shock. He saw the state of my grandpa. The old man couldn't stand the sight before him and he cried. Not long after, there are 2 old men crying in there. My mum walked out because she couldn't bear to watch.

Right now all i could do for him is to move him about, feed him with water, wipe his spit and phlegm and staying up till wee hours in the morning just to make sure he's alright. I'm not so sure whether i can still help around when school starts. I'm not even sure whether he can make it till then.

Well, not exactly a great way to end 2009 and usher in 2010, but i'll manage. I would like to thank all you guys for the encouragement and support. Happy New Year in advance guys

With love and hope,

Xavier Ong 王善义

Grandfather

Hey readers, if there are any...

Well, went to pitstop cafe with denny, yilu and clarissa to have some fun. It was really great. But didn't have the mood to talk about this now.

Well, my grandfather's condition is getting worse now, i don't know how much more it can get worse. He is not on any medication now and it's basically a matter of time before he... Ya, i can't even type out the word now. Well, yesterday, which is the 10th of nov, my mum noticed that he has been standing in the toilet in front of the toilet bowl for ages. Normally, he just returned to his bed after whatever business. But he has been standing there and shaking a little recently. So in the evening, my parents noticed that he has been in the toilet for quite some time with the doors closed. Dad told me to check it out. So i tried opening the door but it was locked. I called out to him and he answered, and unlocked the door. I opened it so as to checked whether everything was ok.

The moment the door opened, i saw him looking at me and there was a very shocked look on his face, and he starts stumbling backwards.

He began to fall back.

I rushed forwards to catch him and manage to hold his right arm. The impact was reduced and it was like he sat down on the floor slowly. My dad rushed forward and helped him up. I could hear him groaning. I could see some tears at the side of his eyes. My dad hugged him and told him it's ok. Parents helped him back to the bed. I went to my room and sat on my chair. I cried. It's a terrible feeling. It's uncontrollable. The image of his surprised/shocked face and him falling in front of me. What happens if i wasn't there to catch him? And i did not really hold him to prevent the falling. The images haunt me now. And every time he goes to the toilet, he does that standing thing over and over again. We have to help him back to his bed from the toilet, which is only 5 steps away. My dad have to help him on a wheelchair to get to the kitchen for dinner. He couldn't walk properly anymore. He was trembling badly whenever he walks or eats.

My dad pointed out that his legs and hands are swollen. He also appears to be in pain as he keeps stroking his nose and grimace in pain. I think that's because he has stopped taking all medication, as instructed by the doctors. Also, because of the 5 large tumours in his brain, it has grown and my dad thinks that it is pressing on to some nerves, affecting his movements. He believes that my grandfather wants to walk, but his limbs are not obeying, therefore, the strange standing in the toilet thingy happens.

I had difficulty sleeping. Any sounds from his room alerted me immediately, be it groaning or the sound of the toilet light switch clicking. How could i sleep after all these things?

I do not have the mood to do anything much right now. It affects me really badly and i don't want to be some emo guy which spreads the sadness around. That's just not me. I need some time. To anyone reading this, please cherish your love ones. You don;t know what you missed until it's gone. Cliche, but true.

ADVANCED!!!

As promised, i'm gonna start blogging again when i made it to JC 2, so obviously: I'M A JC 2 KID NOW!!!!

29 November!!! *HINT HINT*

I'm going to start blogging nicely now, have to leave the silly writing techniques used in the past. I was cringing when i read my previous posts... OH GOSH. Well, life now is more or less relaxing without PW or Mother Tongue exams chewing my ass. I think i spent alot of money going out and stuff, and i really feel guilty :/ AHHHHHH!! I have to buy prom stuff already but my dear JC 2 friends this year are about to have their 'A' levels in a few days.

My hols would be packed with activities like OGL camp, SYC '09 and i'm going to have tuition classes to brush up on my horrible foundation of my Maths. SO far, this year have been an awesome year. At least the impact of being retained is much more cushioned. I'm not going to blog very often, only when i'm really bored or there are some things i have to get out of my chest.

My grandfather is about to die. He si still around in the house as usual. But he has cancer cells all over the body, radiotherapy and chemotherapy don't work anymore. His head is turning black and he eats lesser. It really hurts to see that. And it's not helping when SOME relatives rarely visit him? My parents really dedicated and sacrifice alot for the family. It's impossible to finish describing and i don't want to divulge too much about my family problems. Every family would have their own. But it really maddens me, and particularly my dad, about how NATO (No Action Talk Only) they are! And he could be really frustrated with work and coming home to all these nonsense is not really helping him. Sometimes he will complain loudly to my mum or over the phone to my uncle. Sometimes he cries. He feels really stressed and sad for my grandfather, To see your own father who is usually the masculine and manly guy with a heavy responsibility on his shoulders, break down and cry, how do you feel?

Enough of it. I had enough. Seriously, if anything big is going to happen at my grandfather's wake, it will not be only my dad doing the talking and arguing, i'll be at his side and speak up for him.

REGENERATION

i'm freaking reviving this blog if i am promoted to JC2. If not, i'll delete it.

A new change in life

YES I KNOW!

I've been really lazy and have absolutely nothing to blog. Wouldn't want to bore most people with the mundane life I have which could be summarized like this:

Wake up, shitzz, school, eat, home, shitzzz, sleep

Sorry to disappoint you all. All i can add here is that the drama public performance we had was really successful. My life is starting to become much enjoyable now, with the new friends and everything :)

No more emo blogging. Gonna change my blog and everything soon, with the help from someone.

hello, if you are reading this, thanks alot and looking forward to meet you soon :)