Thursday, January 5, 2012

Elaine the varicose vein

Well, here I am. I have been laying with my feet propped up since the second I walked in the door. Why, you must ask? Oh,let me tell you about my good friend Elaine. Dear sweet Elaine. She started creeping into my life during high school basketball. Elaine is a pesky ole' thing, and she wasn't all that bad back in the day. Elaine was easy to manage, and easy to hide. So then came college... Not that I was playing sports in college.(I could have if I wanted to because I excel in all things athletics... riiight..) but I was still very active. I played all of the intramural sports and tried to run at least every other day. Elaine grew and grew. She took a real liking to me and my active lifestyle. She then started to peek out of my shorts and skirts when I would go out.(I'm told it drives the boys crazy :). Elaine wanted more than the active lifestyle, she wanted in on my social life too. She wanted to go out with me, she wanted to shine when I tried to show off my lanky legs, she wanted the spot light. She wanted to be part of every aspect of my life, she was a real attention whore now that I think about it... Cosmetically unappealing but able to manage until... she became painful. And this is when I finally gave up on our relationship. I couldn't deal with the pain of taking her anywhere else. I had to let her go. So it was in that hot summer of 2004 that I had her lasered away. Our years and years of up and downs had just wiped away in minutes with a laser. I have to admit that it was painful to see her go. The ted hose were a terrible reminder of the friend I once knew. So terrible in fact, it took two of my roomates to even get the dern stocking on. I think I even woke up in tears 2 days after my surgery just to cry. I claimed it was the pain from the throbbing, but I think it was the pain that she was gone really gone. Or so I thought...

All of this to say, our relationship has been rekindled. I don't know why I ever cried over her loss. Luckily I get to have her back. She is back with avengence. In fact, I even think she may have a chip on her shoulder this go around, and she is taking me down. She hides out on my left leg and brought buddies. Her buddies have spread like wildfire to make my leg nice and purple. "Elvira the Spida" So many spiders, that my leg almost looks like a nice tent of purple by the end of the day. I once knew my ankles, those beauties are gone. Now it is Elvira and Elaine.

So ted hose daily for this pregnant broad and I am working on a mighty fine waddle. I like to think of it as my new pimp walk or special swagger... much more flattering to think about. Elaine and Elvira reaking havoc on the left leg, and a yet to be named source doing it's worst in the right groin area. Honest to goodness, it almost looks like I am holding in a toot as I am trying to walk and minimize the pain at the same time. In fact, it is not me holding in a toot it is me attempting to mask the uncomfortableness that is beneath the scrub pants. So the next time you see a waddling preggers, please do say a prayer for her. She might be dealing with an Elaine or an Elvira.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Playing Catch Up

Oh my goodness. I am so behind on this blogging thing. I am failing terribly at documenting many things in the Garrison house. Let's see, since we last met the biggest thing (which is pretty darn BIG) in our world is that we are welcoming a tiny tot Garrison to the world. After a long 20 week wait, we finally discovered our little baby bean was a GIRL! Back to the tiny tot Garrison thing, she isn't measuring so tiny at every appointment. We will see though... I mean, she really doesn't stand a chance to be petite with parents like she has. I have never been considered petite. In fact, I think I skipped little girl sizes and went straight to youth/women's sizes. Oh our poor little one. Luckily, I will be able to relate to her abnormal size and can offer some "oh, wise one" suggestions.

We started our journey to get our little Avery Elizabeth a couple of years ago. We had no clue it would be so difficult to get her. But let me tell you, she has already been well worth the wait. I can't wait for her to be here! I am ready to hold her and love on her, teach her how to paint and craft, and of course throw as many bows on her head as possible. And well, Clay can't wait to teach her how to swing a golf club and dribble a ball. If you knew my basketball skills, you might agree that he should be the one teaching her how to dribble. I was what they call a "defensive player" back in my day.

We are enjoying this time before she gets here. We have been getting her nursery ready and getting some of her necessities. I've been sewing and making hair bows, tutu's, and bow holders. This little diva doll will be hard to locate amongst all of the decoration on her little body. We are reading books to prepare for her.. as much as a book can help you prepare for anything. And who knows, maybe we will need a whole other set of books to read when she gets here. And if that is the case, we will go get us some new books. But in the mean time we are trying to prepare as best as we can.

I have had many favorite memories during the pregnancy but I really enjoyed how we got to tell our family. Luckily my parents told me that they were going to come up for the 4th of July holiday. We figured this would be the perfect time to break the news because all of Clay's family would be together and now my parent's would be able to join in the fun and we could break the news all at once. What a hard secret it was to keep! We got our loud mouth-sometimes inappropriate brother-in-law to take a picture of the whole group (minus my brother who had to work ;(....) Little did everybody know that he was actually videoing the whole time in order to get their reactions. At this point in our baby journey, our family knew we had been trying to have a baby very unsuccessfully. It was a "step around" subject. So when our brother-in-law suggested we all say "BABY" instead of "Cheese" because Clay and Whitney are pregnant" the whole family sat in a confused state. Kaitlen (his wife/Clay's sister) makes some of the biggest eyes at him that speak a thousand words. The "I can not believe you just said that and I can not wait to rip you a new one when we get out of this room. That is not funny" kind of eyes. The whole group was in such a state of shock that they literally did not believe we were pregnant until both Clay and I confirmed several times. I know my mother-in-law sat and sobbed once she realized it was the truth (her reaction is really one of the bests-please watch the video twice and only watch her 1x) and both of my parents were crying. My father-in-law was very calm but you could definitely see the shock in his face. All of Avery's aunts were so excited and I think I heard Kami squeal. Once we revealed we were pregnant we had presents for all of the grandparents and aunts-to-be.. and of course CAKE! Here is the video:

http://youtu.be/IuMgvsYEuj0 


Shout out to Carmen for inspiring me to blog again..... well..... threatening me if I didn't ;)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Rain, Rain, GO AWAY!

Reporting live from Fayetteville, Arkansas, this is Whitney Garrison with the Garrison Gazette news. It's going to be cold and rainy today every day for 3 weeks. So pull out your slickers, umbrella, and rain boots. You are about to get wet and your cars are about to be damaged by hail. Oh, and to mix in with that rain and hail, expect to have occasional tornado scares and go ahead and get your camera ready for creepy sky snapshots. Since your dogs are scared of storms be ready to clean up lots of dog vomit and prepare to panic when you can't find them. They will be under your bed, behind your entertainment center, underneath the couch, and in a box in your closet. Be sure to cancel that cook out you were planning and don't even think about laying in your hammock. Just go ahead and plan for that hammock to get blown across your yard. But don't worry, don't wait to fix it until the rain stops... because it won't. So you can trek through the ankle deep water and downpour to fix it. And one last thing, you are going to want to map out alternate driving routes because you aren't going to be able to make it home the same way you take every day. Plan on those roads being flooded. So that's it for your April showers. Now lets hope for some beautiful May flowers.

This is our back yard
 This was once a little creek
 Water spilling out of creek into neighborhood
 This is supposed to be grass and roadway

 There is a walking trail in there somewhere
 This is suppose to be grass




 This is the main road to our house













 This cloud looked like it was starting to spin a little bit

 A very low and dark cloud
 Looks like a painting

 Pictures just don't do it justice

Sunday, April 24, 2011

As Seen on TV

It has been a long time since I have been on here. The rainy weather has given me more than enough time to get caught up on all of my television shows (Sister Wives, Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives of Every County, and Teen Mom… I mean um, uhhh The O’Reily Factor, 60 Minutes, and Dateline. Yeah that’s it.) Clay and I couldn’t possibly talk about one more thing, by “one more thing” I mean one more sports statistics or fact that I could care less about, but he thinks I find interesting nuggets of information… and my dogs are beyond sick of chasing after their bone and staring at Clay on the couch. Needless to say, we have been a little bored. However, all of this extra “tv time” has given me a great opportunity to catch up on the latest “as seen on tv” products. I always get a crack out of some of the infomercials. My goodness, I don’t know if it is the cheesy, awful acting, or the product itself that I find so laughable. For instance, let’s take the “Cami Secret.”I would like to think of it as a boob apron.
 
It looks like they cut half of their underwear off and attached it to their bra. Maybe they borrowed this idea from pilgrims. I don’t know who you are kidding, it ain’t sexy and a camisole is not that unbearable.


Oh and another one of my favorites… The “Neckline Slimmer.”
You honestly can’t go wrong with a little chin exercise, assuming you live a lonely life or are striving to. This is absolutely hysterical to me. Can you imagine walking in on your spouse or friend using the neckline slimmer while watching tv. They already have something makes your neckline slimmer, it’s called not being 40 lbs overweight and not frequenting the local Denny’s every Saturday morning. I don’t mean to knock you if you have one. Please feel free to let me know how you like it. I’m just saying the infomercial cracks me up.

Just when you thought you couldn’t get enough with the Snuggie, they decided to treat man’s best friend to the same comfort. That’s right folks, a Snuggie for dogs.

Just when your dog thinks they are having a hard time managing their blanket in the cold weather while trying to reach for a bone or toy, the “snuggie for dogs” comes right in and saves the day. My dogs had been depressed for months, they hadn’t been eating, and their psychologist said they had suicidal tendencies… Something had to be done… The Snuggie was just what they needed. After a few nights of comfortable, warm, reach free rest they were back to eating, chewing shoes, and pooping on the carpet. Thanks Snuggie!

And my all time favorite for this weekend, today, lately… I would like to introduce you to the pajama jean.
 
Just when you thought you couldn’t get any lazier and lose any more self respect. Look at these bad boys. Hot and sexy! (By “sexy”, I mean Sarah Jessica Parker sexy, not Brad Pitt sexy). I see the importance of comfort in your day to day life but I suggest you go with a nice jegging. The pajama jean should be kept indoors in dark lighting. They should be worn with caution. I highly suggest you not mix the pajama jean with the above listed cami secret. Can you imagine the surprise your significant other would find when they reach to touch your leg and are so surprised by their soft comfort of your pajama pants on your high profile date. And I can’t even imagine what surprise they would get when they realize your shirt is a boob apron. Oh my. This weekend of infomercials has been great! Thank you “as seen on tv” for the entertainment!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Healthy Shmelthy

Ok, so it's a new year and a new me... right?!?! Clay and I are both on a eating healthy in 2011 kick. Let's hope it lasts. I just had to share my latest find at the grocery store. Check out these bad boys and heat one up. SOOOO Good. and healthy. I have tried more than the three cheese chicken and so far they have all been really good. Really makes life easier when all you have to do is throw a bag in the microwave. The food is steamed and will not burn your insides like a hot pocket will. LOL



Speaking of hot pockets. Clay and I have ongoing jokes after listening to some of Jim Gaffigin's stand up. Here are a few of his hot pocket jokes. Hilarious.

"Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket"

"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea."

"They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket"

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, “Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, dunk it in a toilet."

And this one is just because I love pie and cake... and good humor.
"Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."

So in conclusion, my posting about healthy eating has just turned into a blog about food and how good a slice of cake would be right now. I think this blog posting backfired on me..... Where are my dern M&M's.



Friday, December 10, 2010

My stupid dogs become hero's ;)

Time has gone by and we have been without bloggable excitement.... Until.... last night. Oh my goodness. I live for nights like last night. It was hysterical. So let me begin. ;)

It all started with a crazy week. I have had something every night. We had a big Christmas play with kids from my work and we were working every night to get prepared. When we aren't home our dogs stay in our closet. So they were peeved and tore up my bathroom rug yesterday, ripped cotton balls into about 5,000 pieces, and successfully ruined one shoe in protest to the neglect. So I took that as a strong note to mom and promised to give them more attention. Clay has been sick this past week but was feeling better last night and when to dinner with some friends. So I am in charge of the the dogs and I load us all up for Chinese take-out. We make a night of it and took our time. I ate in the car and let the dogs explore. I couldn't wait to get back home and hop in the tub to relax. So we get home and I take a bath and I pop a benedryl. I really wanted to sleep good and it always does the trick. This was at about 9:00 or so.

Well at about 9:15 my phone rings and it was my friend Kaitlyn. She tells me that she is broken down and has no idea how to get anywhere. She needs to get her car started because she plans to go home this weekend. So here I am. Home alone... with two crazy dogs... and no clue how to manage broken cars. So I call someone that knows how to fix anything. Our neighbor Andy could have his own "fix it" show because he can do anything. So he agrees to come with me to help out my friend. So I have the debate... to bring the dogs or not to bring the dogs... that is the question.... "Do I want anything else to be ripped to shreds?" I don't think so. So I will bring the dogs.

So here we are. Me, my neighbor Andy (who I am sure has gotten out of bed to help me) and my two rotten dogs (that I love so much). We take off and drive to the mall parking lot because that is where she was. She works at the mall and when she got off that night her car just wouldn't budge. So I whip in my car and pull up in front of hers. I make a little joke like I know what to do to get her car going. Andy hops out and tells me to leave the car running. He was going to look at her car before he tried to jump it. So he left his jumper cables and tools in my car with the dogs and I got out to talk to Kaitlyn. I shut the door because I didn't want to let the dogs out.

So here we are... all humans outside and dogs inside in a warm car. My dogs in all of the excitement LOCK THE CAR DOORS!!!!! So even better, huh. Here we are... sitting outside with a car running with dogs in it but locked and one car broken down with the hood up. Awesome. I am just beginning to panic because I have pulled my neighbor out of his warm bed to help someone he doesn't even know and now my stupid dogs are making the process a lot longer!! Oh my goodness I was mortified. So we sit out and chuckle (when I am sure Andy is fit to be tied-of course he would never tell me because he is so nice) Time passes by and I call Clay to come help. He says that he is on his way but it will take just a little bit for him to get there.

I can't let this happen. I can't let anymore time pass by. At this point mall security comes to check out all of the fiasco. I am beyond hysterical at this point because it is really quite funny to me and... remember that I took benedryl about an hour ago... The combination made me find everything so funny. The mall security waits with us and everyone really can't believe the way it was all going down. So in my hysterical-ness I think to myself. "You know what, I have an idea"

Now this was a random, never going to happen, but might as well try it anyway, kind of idea. What will it hurt, ya know? So I go around to the other side of my car and signal to the dogs. "Come here Maddie and Bentley. Roll the windows down. Roll them down. You can do it."

And low and behold those dogs ROLLED DOWN THE CAR WINDOW!!! They rolled down the car window, I tell you. So we were able to get in the car and jump her car. At this point we had such a crowd they could not believe it. They all just knew I did special training with them. I of course pretended like I did and that my dogs were actually very gifted and even made the beds at home while we were at work. (When actually they just tear up rugs, ruin shoes, and make a huge cotton ball mess)

We are all laughing and couldn't believe it and get her car fixed. Andy and I load up in the car with the dogs and head home. I say a million apologies and thank him! As we are going down the interstate I kept seeing some movement from my hood. OH MY GOODNESS MY HOOD ISN'T DOWN. With the way the night was going and my crazy, random happenings track record I thought it was best for me to whip my car over and he jumped out to push it down. We laughed and finally made it home safely. We went are separate ways and rested knowing he was a magical mr. fix it neighbor, I have two dogs who can do anything, and me.... well... I just knew... I could finally sleep. Ah, another great night!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Tanner Edwards, 6 year old hip hop dancer

Oh my goodness! Everybody always wonders how I learned how to dance. I am no Tanner,.... but it just goes to show how we roll in the south. Watch this little guy dance. It was taken at the 2010 Magnolia fair queen pageant.