Well, here I am. I have been laying with my feet propped up since the second I walked in the door. Why, you must ask? Oh,let me tell you about my good friend Elaine. Dear sweet Elaine. She started creeping into my life during high school basketball. Elaine is a pesky ole' thing, and she wasn't all that bad back in the day. Elaine was easy to manage, and easy to hide. So then came college... Not that I was playing sports in college.(I could have if I wanted to because I excel in all things athletics... riiight..) but I was still very active. I played all of the intramural sports and tried to run at least every other day. Elaine grew and grew. She took a real liking to me and my active lifestyle. She then started to peek out of my shorts and skirts when I would go out.(I'm told it drives the boys crazy :). Elaine wanted more than the active lifestyle, she wanted in on my social life too. She wanted to go out with me, she wanted to shine when I tried to show off my lanky legs, she wanted the spot light. She wanted to be part of every aspect of my life, she was a real attention whore now that I think about it... Cosmetically unappealing but able to manage until... she became painful. And this is when I finally gave up on our relationship. I couldn't deal with the pain of taking her anywhere else. I had to let her go. So it was in that hot summer of 2004 that I had her lasered away. Our years and years of up and downs had just wiped away in minutes with a laser. I have to admit that it was painful to see her go. The ted hose were a terrible reminder of the friend I once knew. So terrible in fact, it took two of my roomates to even get the dern stocking on. I think I even woke up in tears 2 days after my surgery just to cry. I claimed it was the pain from the throbbing, but I think it was the pain that she was gone really gone. Or so I thought...
All of this to say, our relationship has been rekindled. I don't know why I ever cried over her loss. Luckily I get to have her back. She is back with avengence. In fact, I even think she may have a chip on her shoulder this go around, and she is taking me down. She hides out on my left leg and brought buddies. Her buddies have spread like wildfire to make my leg nice and purple. "Elvira the Spida" So many spiders, that my leg almost looks like a nice tent of purple by the end of the day. I once knew my ankles, those beauties are gone. Now it is Elvira and Elaine.
So ted hose daily for this pregnant broad and I am working on a mighty fine waddle. I like to think of it as my new pimp walk or special swagger... much more flattering to think about. Elaine and Elvira reaking havoc on the left leg, and a yet to be named source doing it's worst in the right groin area. Honest to goodness, it almost looks like I am holding in a toot as I am trying to walk and minimize the pain at the same time. In fact, it is not me holding in a toot it is me attempting to mask the uncomfortableness that is beneath the scrub pants. So the next time you see a waddling preggers, please do say a prayer for her. She might be dealing with an Elaine or an Elvira.
Pumpkin Patchin'
10 years ago




