Breathe!

Beep!

As dreams gets distorted from fractured sleep
I play in my blanket for final seconds
Entangling myself in and out
A push from within to turn away the night
Feet tastes cold on standing at the floor
The aura of flame while blazing the fag
Few puffs near the window
Brings you back to life
Sun is on a hidden spree
The breeze sense cold n silent
A vision or two
Water escorting under shower
Body grips the soul and power
Droplets skating down the skin
A stare into the mirror
Ends at lost image

A pair of crushed faded jeans
A black tee
A wrist band
A cell phone
Music
A pack of cigarettes
A lighter
Black colored bag
Pen
Few papers
A book to be read
Cinema
Storming mind
A breathing heart
An eternal street

<flip>

Birth of moon
A walk inside
Drained soul
Seat by the window
Arms to melt upon
If only...
A hug to self
A cuddle to night
Numb emotions
Dead desires
Blurred hope
Brawling faith
Weary cravings
Insolent tone
Seized words


Beep!

--

New day.
New shits.

Fight baby.
Fight.

Maybe!

The dawn arrived in vain
It will crawl away too
No one entered the sight
Barren eyes will empathize

Even today tears couldn't find a way
Even today eyes were not moist
The night will pass away too

Maybe someday he would be able to say how she made him feel.
Maybe someday he would be able to say how he always wanted her.
Maybe someday he would be able to say how many times he died inside himself.
Maybe someday he would be able to say every word which he killed inside.
Maybe someday she would get to know,
Maybe someday he would be able to say ...

He loved her because she loved him.
But he couldn't love her because she loved him.

Why it always have to be him?
That's always left out to burn.
Still, he never learns.

I hope he realizes its time to accept somethings are not made for him.
To feel.
To live.

Only few have passed till now.
I am scared of every other coming night till eternity.

--

If only...
I prefer silence.

... And then I realized we are not afraid when we are alone. Rather its when we have someone, we give birth to the fear of losing them. We are not afraid when we are sad, its when we are happy we develop the fear of losing its charm.

Most of the times, its the fear of "fear" succumbing us all around.


How I wish I could hug everyone on this earth and tell them its ok. Its ok to be scared and angry and hurt or selfish. Its a part of being human.

--

I guess, the 'heart' has its moments too.

Lapse!

Sleep, sleep, sleep, wake, smoke, eat, smoke, walk, streets, roam, smoke, think, question, decide, fly, fall, stand, walk, sit, rest, think, question, fight, hit, walk, walk... zip zip zip!!
Days are dead, nights follow too.

People!!
Their behavior, the outcome, your suffering, inter-fucking-related, go die.
Die die die.

Living is over rated.
Surviving is cheap.
Living too costly to afford.
Surviving is easy.
Living is bliss.
Surviving is dead.
Hence attempts at living fail to succeed!!
The only 'wrong' done. I still continue to do it.
Its okay, try. Okay, try!!

Burning, dark, deep, truth, lies, acceptance, throbbing, languishing, wait, silence, pain, wait.
Crash!!!

You hope. You try. You fail. You hope.
Tired.
Tired of events happening in the same manner.
Tired of 'their' behavior.
Tired of 'self' behavior.

Sick of mind fucks.
Sick of crushed hopes.
Sick of murdered love.
Sick of killing others.
Sick of solitude.

People!!
They come, they go, and the wheel never ends.
The ones who stay are all the same, replica mere replica.
You try and hope.
Maybe; just maybe!
Depressing but true!

Expectations, friends, lovers, special ones, relationships, pain, love, jeez jeez jeez!!!
Hoping on dead hopes.
Back to square one.
People!! The...

Farewell, blood, goodbye, move the fuck on, truth of thousand lies, mercy? guilty? pity? regret?
... (?)

'Sometimes', turning into 'all the time'.
Somebody please kill the next coming day and the day after and the day after and the day af...
Wait for supposed bliss.
Fear of hard outcomes.
Scary than hell.

Past is gone.
Present is dead.
Future barren.
Being one of its kind?
Sucks!!

Wishes, desires, crave, lust!
Walk, whispers, holding hands, hug, kiss, smooch, sex!
Go figure!

Philosophy, logic, theories of mind.
Bah!

I am not God.
I don't want to be either.
I can't be who YOU are!!
Repeat! <2>

--

This is not for you to enjoy.
Don't come, you cannot cure.
Rather, will fuck it up more.

Wait, maybe...

Euphoria!

Black clouds before the rain.
Cold breeze brushing thy hair

"Yaar tu bhi sun zara, aarzoo meri hai kya. Main kya ban jaana chahta hun. Main kahan kharab hun, main toh lajawaab hun, main yeh manwana chahta hun. Hoo, maan ja.. aey khuda.. itni si hai dua, main ban jaun sabse bada. Chand taare tod laun, saari duniya par main chaun. ...bas itna sa khwaab hai!"

Sound of music felt right into my heart.
Speaking every word I yearned.
Dreams seemed all real.
With every step taken.

No sorrow of yesterday.
No hope for tomorrow.
All I had was my 'today'.
And finally I lived the moment.

I walked and walked... the never ending road felt like flower petals as the wind showered bliss. I clicked all the way to have a memoir. For a change, didn't missed anyones presence, didn't craved for anyone, didn't thought about anyone. There was so much beauty around, my heart couldn't take it all. But I made it pour into me like rain drops.

Maybe, even in the end I didn't found what I was looking for; but I surely got what I wanted. Perhaps, in years was truly content even being alone. Being with my own self!

--

And in those couple of hours.
I found myself!
And felt..

Free!

To The World...

F-U-C-K Y-O-U!

Replete!

Days play hollow dreams
Night a blind tunnel
Smoke haps from dry lips
Drab drab drab

Excuses to die
No reasons to live

Streets endless than time
Never sense the destiny
Run, oh boy run
For there are fewer moments in your kitty

Hands are alone
Headache is constant
World is sane
Mind is rotten

Life's ashtray is filled
Thoughts mean nothing
Dreams mere illusion
Hope, not enough a reason

Run, oh boy run
For there are fewer moments in your kitty

Love needs love
Happiness down with ache
Each moment turns past
Replica just replica

Quest is eternal
End is dead
Pain is a lover
And so it never fades

Breathe to live
Wait to die
Smoke the shit
Work for your hit

Slash the wrist
End it all

Do it my boy
End it all!

--

Bad?
Yeah. My head is bursting.

Fuck Awf!

Okay!?!

Is it crazy to lust for someone so much that you cannot eat, breathe or sleep? Is it crazy to visualize your life with someone who doesn't even has any clue about it? Is it crazy to sit by your window as the days slipped by, dreaming of being with people who hardly know you? Is it crazy to have a relationship with an imaginary person? Is it crazy to have no regard for the present that is completely in love and devoted to you? Is it crazy to continue living in your own dreamy world without caring for the world and its awkward presence?
Is it crazy to give yourself migraine headaches from deep intense thoughts that do not matter to anyone else but you?

Isn't loving someone who doesn't loves you equal to loving an imaginary person? My thoughts, my existence never mattered to the world anyways.

Or vice versa?

:|

And is it crazy to enjoy living the way you are; knowing its 'crazy'?

Cheezus!

Have you ever loved anyone so much you didn't care what happened to yourself? You just had to be with them. If they look at you, your heart stops. If you feel their breath on your skin, you just ache. Have you ever craved anyone so much you didn't exist any more?

Umm...

Speak!!

Don't ask; I don't know.

Okay!

Okay? Fuck!

--

... Exactly!

Chronicles!

Snippet One-

Past:
She is cute.
He is funny.
She makes me forget everything.
He always brings a smile to my face.
She is 'The One'.
He is my best friend.

In between:
She doesn't understands my love.
I feel sad for him.
She hurts me everytime.
He is psychotic.
I love HER. Please!
I cannot love HIM. Goodbye!

Present:
Why did she came back?
I don't want to talk about the past.
She's still magical.
He is a great friend.
I continue to love you.
I am sorry, AGAIN!

-- Don't live in the past, but never forget it too or you'll be condemned to repeat it.

Snippet Two-

Past:
He is different.
She is elegant.
He is so sexy.
She is quite like me.
He makes me feel like a little girl all over again.
She's a great friend.

In between:
He's 'The One'.
She's adorable.
He completes me.
She loves me?
He's mine, I love HIM!
I cannot love HER!

Present:
I am sorry about the past.
I still admire him.
I respect her more.
He's great as a friend.
I am falling for her.
Fuck Off!!

-- Never forgive, never forget?



...Oouch!

Tick!

He: Love bores you?
She: No!! Guess, its just disappointing.

He: No one will ever love you as much as I do.
She: Same pinch. No one will ever love me as much as I do.
He: Yeah! Right. Thats why you don't love me. How ironical, we both fell in love with the same person!
She: I guess so.

She: Why do you love me?
He: Urgghh!!

She: Okay! Lets frame it this way. What do you love about me?
He: I love everything about you that HURTS!

--

Why isn't love enough?

Sequel!

There were times when all I could desire for was YOU!
All I ever lived for was YOU!
But you never came, you just never came.
I thought that was the last time I'd seen you... it wasn't content.
But I suited myself.

Days passed by, nights got washed down.
And so I chose my other self.
Gave life another shot.
But just when I started enhaling and could see cracks in the dark fort I survived.

You returned?!?
With no clause, no sense of past, and with NO regret.
I didn't needed any sympathy.
You were at your usual best, you never gave one too.
Maybe I didn't needed you as well.

You were burried to the crux.
Feelings, emotions, memories engraved in an endless dark realm.
Never to be thought of.
Never to be felt again.
But YOU enlightened them.
The box of desires was released again.

Why?

When you touched me today, I thought this time the sense will never fade.
It was heaven, and I lived you again.
But little did I knew I was wrong.
Coz today you flew back.
Back to your eternal bliss.
Leaving cramps in an already dead heart.

I felt you for the last time, I saw you for the last time, I heard you for the LAST TIME!
And so NOW!!
Things are falling back to me in the same manner.
Your words yet again so carefree.
Right back, history has just been reversed
Its the same YOU, its the same ME!
Just that we'll never be together.

But that's okay my lady, I tried but today I couldn't weep.
It doesn't hurts anymore.
How can it? To an already demised heart!!
So from now...
I'll just sit back and watch myself play the same ME.
The ME which always seemed horrifying. The ME whom I always hated.
I'm getting to live my past yet again, which was scary as hell.
Lucky me?

--

Some locks should never be opened again.
Coz, somethings can never be solved.
But truth is:

Sometimes there never are "last times".

I wish this time it IS!

--

(Who you fooling smartass?)

Prolong!

It was a certain fear enclosing him all the time, sort of anxiety running all over. Fear of loosing, fear of failure, fear of FEAR!
He held her close and gazed into those crystal eyes in search of some answers.

You know this life is so short
And you wake up one day
You're not there.
All your dreams and everything that you ever wished for and wanted to... gone just like that!
People... people get old and you know time flies by and things change and situations change
What I want is... I just...
I want this moment right now ... this day ... and my feelings for you...
The way you look right now... the way I look at you..
I just want this to last FOREVER you know!

He hugged her tight and whispered slowly

Please don't ever leave me. Please don't ever leave me.
Say I wont!
Please...
Say I wont!

And all she replied was eternal silence!

--

They say some stories never have an ending, well maybe they never had a beginning at first!

Pour!

You don't love me because I love you.
and
I can't love You because you love me.

I got this peek-a-boo of your image.
Not your fault.
I was wrong.
You're just one of 'them'.

Tonight I threw YOU out.
Plucked those chords of your soul which were glued to mine
And pitched it out in this eternal desert

You, you, YOU!
All of YOU!

I feel miserable
Regret?
.
.
.
(?)

I didn't do it by my own.
YOU helped me, all the while.

Yet, tonight I feel miserable
Its been long, real long.
Suffocating to death

This hour I'm running short of Life, anyone to grant me some?

I promise on myself to tear you out after 'the time' too.
Please.

But I need it. Tonight.

Please!

The Frustrated Fuck-up list:

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!! Okay! Puke- There you go:

Fuck those auto-wallas who never seem be there when you need them urgently.
Fuck those who never agree to go the place you want to. Thats your job fuckers!
Fuck those silly dumb guys with waxed chests and pumped up biceps who stand down my house, blabbering the shit outta them. Not every mother fucker becomes a Salman you jerks!
Fuck the man sitting in the grocery store under my house, whose more interested in knowing what the fuck I'm upto in life rather than selling off his stuff.
Fuck those restaurants, who serve the same tiny pale menu. I'm fucking bugged of eating and moreover screwing my head in deciding what to order for every fucking meal of the day.
Fuck the maid who cries the most shittiest of excuses of not coming at work. I really hate you bitch!
Fuck those local guys with fucked up spikes and dark till death skin, playing football 27x7. This ain't gonna land you in Chelsea mother fuckers.
Fuck those yucky sluts standing around shopping malls waiting for others to pick them. Handy brothel eh?
Fuck those Lokhandwala wives; with their over faced faces pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. Hanging between 50s, you're not fooling anyone sweetheart.
Fuck those bunch of desperate jerks; horny couples sitting in cafés, sipping less of coffee and getting more involved in touching each others sexual organs. Foreplay at beaches, in movie theaters, busy kissing and trying hard to almost melt into each other right from the start of national anthem. Why the fuck don't you sit on the same seat, and enjoy the ride more comfortably. Bloody perverts!
Fuck the mobile companies for sending fucked up messages every fucking time. I know how to put a caller tune if I want. And NO! I don't wanna win any cash prize answering the most fucked up questions ever made in the history of world.
Fuck Bollywood for releasing hardly 2 movies per week with none of them being sensible enough, and fuck Hollywood for following the same pattern.
Fuck Landmark, Crossword and every such movie stores for NOT keeping any flick which I want. I don't read books, give me movies goddammit.
Fuck the bank employees who call me ONLY when I'm sleeping; to sing about their credit cards.
Give me a fucking break you freaks.
Fuck all the cars all around; worst fuckin parade in the city. And don't even get me started on Bombay traffic.
Fuck all the news channels for showing worst fucked up shit happening all around. Rather, fuck all the channels, yeah kill your TeeVee!
Fuck this internet for sucking every fucking time which includes right now too. (grr!!)
Fuck 'Orkut' and every other social networking website for eating away all my time. Gtalk you deserve a brutal fuck.
Fuck my laptop for getting conked all the fucking time.
Fuck those parents beating the shit outta their kids in front of the whole community. May you rot in hell psychos!
Fuck the corrupt cops for their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots. You betray our trust!
Fuck those dolt bloggers writing only to lust for comments, how I wish a rat enters your asshole.
Fuck those so called civilized citizens who are busy in their shity world.
Fuck the college folklores which always manages to enter my brain, Goddammit I ain't going to that place EVER again. Move the fuck on!
Fuck the weird looking girl right in front of our house, never missing a chance to stare at us. WTF?
Fuck Kareena Kapoor for looking like a white lizard.
Fuck the weekends, getting drunk and depressed sucks. Fuck the weekdays as well.
Fuck the owner of our house, we need to find a new place which is worst than getting fucked by Rakhi Sawant.
Fuck those assholes in the production houses, for giving me fucked up un-interesting work. And fuck them twice for ditching me to the one I want.
Fuck those people around who somehow manage to use n throw me all the fucking time. I'm a soft-drink can rite? Bloody buggers.
Fuck those people whom I've been so close in past, and now behave like an alien.
Fuck those who call them as best friends and know a shit about it. You're not even worth calling a 'friend' fucktards.
Fuck those people who want to come back into my life again after leaving me with continuous hammering sessions in past; what the fuck do you want? Another brutal rape on me?
Fuck every alive soul who comes to me singing their sorrow and expect me to carry on with this bullshit social service. I have a life too ass lickers.
Fuck those who think I'm sad or depressed. NO! I'm not alone, I'm just by myself! And anytime better than you zillions of dumb mother fuckers around. I don't need your mercyfuck sympathy. And for fucking god's sake I don't talk much, rather I hardly do. Stop nagging me to core. PERIOD!
Fuck the cigarettes, they are never enough. Same goes for sleep as well.
Fuck the night, for being so long. Fuck the night for being not-so-long too.
Fuck chasing this dream which seems too far.
Fuck all the memories I keep
Fuck the next 10 years and just go to sleep
Fuck your image and mine
Fuck your limp valentine
Fuck the chorus and the verse
Fuck all the sorrows away; and fuck till the dawn of the next fucking day.
Fuck it all till I learn.

Yeah! Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck this whole place and everyone in it.

Jeez!! Don't forget the protections while these fuck sessions, you're a danger to the human species man.


OMFG!! And how can I forget you bloody inner smart ass. FUCK YOU till eternity for knowing everything in this world, and for your priceless psychic brain!


Fuck 'it all!!

No, really.

Fuck 'it all!!
I don't need your gyaan.

--

Ah! I feel better.

--

The title really says it ALL.

._.

HE: I thought you wanted me. I love you my lady. Every king needs a queen, and I want you to be mine.

SHE: But, I wanna have FUN.

-flip-

HE: I don't think I'll be able to love you ever. I might just end up using you, which is wrong.

SHE: Oh! Please make sure the usage lasts as long as possible.

--

Time heals but cheats as well!

An empty house
Shadows on walls
2 carton cigarettes
Bunch of already seen movies
Almost friends with melancholy
Aweful music is out
Over silence is IN
My deary night
.
.
I'm ON!

Haunting -

Chilly winter

Moonless night

Unceasing Wind

Alien city

Long never ending road

Dim street lights

A herd of blissful clans

A gloomy soul

Hands weakened

Trembled Knees

Steps faltered

Numb beyond crux

Haunted memories

Lost paradise

A walk down the boulevard of crushed dreams!


- Flip -


Four walls

A broken mirror

Carton of burning cigarettes

Pitch Dark

Choked silence

Teary pillows

Eternal gawk

Lost Hope

Murdered love

Frozen blood

Ashes all over

Anxiety and Fear

Dead eyes

Eons of tears

Sea to cry!

.
.
.
.
.

That was the 'longest' night of my life!

Reminds Me oF YOU!

Wind in my alley
Dust in my eyes
Fall of the eternal lonely dusk
Reminds me of you!

Rust in my nerves
Ailing of the soul
Deep inner pores
Reminds me of you!

City streets that don't weep with me anymore
Barren eyes that don't dream anymore
Sued lips that don't speak anymore
Reminds me of you!

Quiet days that don't sound like before
Broken mirrors that don't image me anymore
Sunshine that don't falls on my shore
Reminds me of you!

Fragrance of your aura
Forever undying smile
Crystal utopia in the eyes
Reminds me of you!

Handy walks
Sweet mushy talks
Beautiful silence between two
Reminds me of you!

Old words written
Dreams drawn in-sync
Laughter shared n on
Reminds me of you!

Melodies that don't sound like before
Sweet pain that don't tastes anymore
A tree that never grows old
Reminds me of you!

Murdered love
Against the blue skies
Stands with head held high
Reminds me of you!

Songs I've written
Stories I've told
Memories twisting in fold
Reminds me of you!

Wish you would've stayed FOREVER!

--

P.S.

It never gets easier, people you love not being there for you anymore.

You have to stop mourning in dark.

Why?

To forget her, and get back to your LIFE!

But I don't want to forget her. I always wanted her to be a part of my life forever. I can't imagine that now, she's not there for me anymore. And I won't get to see or even hear her voice EVER in my life again.
You HAVE TO. You are mortal, its the mortal way. You should stop cribbing over some lost love, and say good-bye to all your yesterdays. They are gone. Its Over. No more sorrow. You bid the farewell to it and move on with your life. Thats the bottom line, FACE IT. At times, the fact of her absence will hit you like a bow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will gradually decrease as time flies by. "Love" is over and NOT your "LIFE". You still have plenty of days to live and much better feats to perform. And if you want to die, then be brave, go ahead and shoot yourself. You don't need to sing an opera for it. But STOP living dead. ACCEPT IT. She's gone. Dead for you. And you're alive. So LIVE!

But I think about her all the time. And feel blue, anxious, depressed, melancholic, angst, horribly disgusting etcetera all day. And I don't like to see myself in such a locale.

You see what you WANT to see. You do what you WANT to do. You think what you WANT to think. And you feel what you WANT to feel. Arrange these words in your brain cells. Got it?

Hmm...
What hmm...?

Hmm... I know.
You better!

What If?

What if?
When stomach feels like a twisted rope
And head is dying to explode
When tears seem to enjoy their outlet
And life gets bugged by slumping codes

What if?
When breathing seems callous
And inner forte is hollow
When anxiety rules the aura
And silence succumbs all over

What if?
When rays don't spray the light
And eyes don't peep
When darkness is all you catch
And the body could barely creep

What if?
When alcohol never feeds a hangover
And smoking never refrains
When voices are no more sonic
And you can image the soul drain.

What if?
When all this IS "real"