Rage!

Its there.
Present
Lives
Breathes
All the time
Its a part
Inside
Immovable

Its there.
To stay
Words, jacked, it raises, crunch, hands, emotions, it raises, all the time, its there.
Punch, hit, bang, blow, jump, shout, knock, smash, fight, fuck.


Its there.
To stay
People, behavior, dolts, context, words, actions, perception, conviction.
Different, aloof, melancholy, grief, stare, bored, idle, languish, sick, tired.

Its there.
To stay
Love, hate, questions, illusions, reality, sense, essence, nihilism, existentialism.
Smoke, burn, smoke, hallucinations, images, smoke, thoughts, pictures, colors, rides.

Its there.
To stay
Headache, tears, pain, faint, swoon, awake, scared, fear, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.
Throw, revenge, annoyance, fury, chagrin, mindfucks, mental masturbation.

Its there.
All the time
Inside
To rise
To kill
To survive

ANGST!!

--

A plead.
Give me a stage where this bull could rage!

Epoch!

There are times when I feel sucked down in an endless tunnel. Horrifying moments when I lack that iota of inspiration to believe in self. To bring one original thought in my head, one idea. I begin to hear voices when there's no one around.

Some words forgotten
Some moments passed

Somebody asked me today "Have you ever felt so lonely that it hurts?" I replied "Constantly!" Times when I might tell a person how much I love them, and yet feel deeply hollow inside at the same moment.

Some memories enriched
Some looks bewildered

And then there are times when days pass by smoking the charm of marijuana and floating to bliss! A place where nothing seems anything. Fly away to the center of eternity.

There's something in the air
There's something in my heart

I don't know to be sad or angry by the fact that everybody is the same or to be scared by realizing how ordinary I am. A face in the sea of faces around me!? A single life in the vast ocean of lives around me!? I guess, the hardest reality I'd ever face is to realize that its not just a 'phase'; its actually the way I am!

--

I hope my dream is not a dream!

Breathe!

Beep!

As dreams gets distorted from fractured sleep
I play in my blanket for final seconds
Entangling myself in and out
A push from within to turn away the night
Feet tastes cold on standing at the floor
The aura of flame while blazing the fag
Few puffs near the window
Brings you back to life
Sun is on a hidden spree
The breeze sense cold n silent
A vision or two
Water escorting under shower
Body grips the soul and power
Droplets skating down the skin
A stare into the mirror
Ends at lost image

A pair of crushed faded jeans
A black tee
A wrist band
A cell phone
Music
A pack of cigarettes
A lighter
Black colored bag
Pen
Few papers
A book to be read
Cinema
Storming mind
A breathing heart
An eternal street

<flip>

Birth of moon
A walk inside
Drained soul
Seat by the window
Arms to melt upon
If only...
A hug to self
A cuddle to night
Numb emotions
Dead desires
Blurred hope
Brawling faith
Weary cravings
Insolent tone
Seized words


Beep!

--

New day.
New shits.

Fight baby.
Fight.

Maybe!

The dawn arrived in vain
It will crawl away too
No one entered the sight
Barren eyes will empathize

Even today tears couldn't find a way
Even today eyes were not moist
The night will pass away too

Maybe someday he would be able to say how she made him feel.
Maybe someday he would be able to say how he always wanted her.
Maybe someday he would be able to say how many times he died inside himself.
Maybe someday he would be able to say every word which he killed inside.
Maybe someday she would get to know,
Maybe someday he would be able to say ...

He loved her because she loved him.
But he couldn't love her because she loved him.

Why it always have to be him?
That's always left out to burn.
Still, he never learns.

I hope he realizes its time to accept somethings are not made for him.
To feel.
To live.

Only few have passed till now.
I am scared of every other coming night till eternity.

--

If only...
I prefer silence.

... And then I realized we are not afraid when we are alone. Rather its when we have someone, we give birth to the fear of losing them. We are not afraid when we are sad, its when we are happy we develop the fear of losing its charm.

Most of the times, its the fear of "fear" succumbing us all around.


How I wish I could hug everyone on this earth and tell them its ok. Its ok to be scared and angry and hurt or selfish. Its a part of being human.

--

I guess, the 'heart' has its moments too.

Lapse!

Sleep, sleep, sleep, wake, smoke, eat, smoke, walk, streets, roam, smoke, think, question, decide, fly, fall, stand, walk, sit, rest, think, question, fight, hit, walk, walk... zip zip zip!!
Days are dead, nights follow too.

People!!
Their behavior, the outcome, your suffering, inter-fucking-related, go die.
Die die die.

Living is over rated.
Surviving is cheap.
Living too costly to afford.
Surviving is easy.
Living is bliss.
Surviving is dead.
Hence attempts at living fail to succeed!!
The only 'wrong' done. I still continue to do it.
Its okay, try. Okay, try!!

Burning, dark, deep, truth, lies, acceptance, throbbing, languishing, wait, silence, pain, wait.
Crash!!!

You hope. You try. You fail. You hope.
Tired.
Tired of events happening in the same manner.
Tired of 'their' behavior.
Tired of 'self' behavior.

Sick of mind fucks.
Sick of crushed hopes.
Sick of murdered love.
Sick of killing others.
Sick of solitude.

People!!
They come, they go, and the wheel never ends.
The ones who stay are all the same, replica mere replica.
You try and hope.
Maybe; just maybe!
Depressing but true!

Expectations, friends, lovers, special ones, relationships, pain, love, jeez jeez jeez!!!
Hoping on dead hopes.
Back to square one.
People!! The...

Farewell, blood, goodbye, move the fuck on, truth of thousand lies, mercy? guilty? pity? regret?
... (?)

'Sometimes', turning into 'all the time'.
Somebody please kill the next coming day and the day after and the day after and the day af...
Wait for supposed bliss.
Fear of hard outcomes.
Scary than hell.

Past is gone.
Present is dead.
Future barren.
Being one of its kind?
Sucks!!

Wishes, desires, crave, lust!
Walk, whispers, holding hands, hug, kiss, smooch, sex!
Go figure!

Philosophy, logic, theories of mind.
Bah!

I am not God.
I don't want to be either.
I can't be who YOU are!!
Repeat! <2>

--

This is not for you to enjoy.
Don't come, you cannot cure.
Rather, will fuck it up more.

Wait, maybe...

Euphoria!

Black clouds before the rain.
Cold breeze brushing thy hair

"Yaar tu bhi sun zara, aarzoo meri hai kya. Main kya ban jaana chahta hun. Main kahan kharab hun, main toh lajawaab hun, main yeh manwana chahta hun. Hoo, maan ja.. aey khuda.. itni si hai dua, main ban jaun sabse bada. Chand taare tod laun, saari duniya par main chaun. ...bas itna sa khwaab hai!"

Sound of music felt right into my heart.
Speaking every word I yearned.
Dreams seemed all real.
With every step taken.

No sorrow of yesterday.
No hope for tomorrow.
All I had was my 'today'.
And finally I lived the moment.

I walked and walked... the never ending road felt like flower petals as the wind showered bliss. I clicked all the way to have a memoir. For a change, didn't missed anyones presence, didn't craved for anyone, didn't thought about anyone. There was so much beauty around, my heart couldn't take it all. But I made it pour into me like rain drops.

Maybe, even in the end I didn't found what I was looking for; but I surely got what I wanted. Perhaps, in years was truly content even being alone. Being with my own self!

--

And in those couple of hours.
I found myself!
And felt..

Free!

To The World...

F-U-C-K Y-O-U!

Replete!

Days play hollow dreams
Night a blind tunnel
Smoke haps from dry lips
Drab drab drab

Excuses to die
No reasons to live

Streets endless than time
Never sense the destiny
Run, oh boy run
For there are fewer moments in your kitty

Hands are alone
Headache is constant
World is sane
Mind is rotten

Life's ashtray is filled
Thoughts mean nothing
Dreams mere illusion
Hope, not enough a reason

Run, oh boy run
For there are fewer moments in your kitty

Love needs love
Happiness down with ache
Each moment turns past
Replica just replica

Quest is eternal
End is dead
Pain is a lover
And so it never fades

Breathe to live
Wait to die
Smoke the shit
Work for your hit

Slash the wrist
End it all

Do it my boy
End it all!

--

Bad?
Yeah. My head is bursting.

Fuck Awf!

Okay!?!

Is it crazy to lust for someone so much that you cannot eat, breathe or sleep? Is it crazy to visualize your life with someone who doesn't even has any clue about it? Is it crazy to sit by your window as the days slipped by, dreaming of being with people who hardly know you? Is it crazy to have a relationship with an imaginary person? Is it crazy to have no regard for the present that is completely in love and devoted to you? Is it crazy to continue living in your own dreamy world without caring for the world and its awkward presence?
Is it crazy to give yourself migraine headaches from deep intense thoughts that do not matter to anyone else but you?

Isn't loving someone who doesn't loves you equal to loving an imaginary person? My thoughts, my existence never mattered to the world anyways.

Or vice versa?

:|

And is it crazy to enjoy living the way you are; knowing its 'crazy'?

Cheezus!

Have you ever loved anyone so much you didn't care what happened to yourself? You just had to be with them. If they look at you, your heart stops. If you feel their breath on your skin, you just ache. Have you ever craved anyone so much you didn't exist any more?

Umm...

Speak!!

Don't ask; I don't know.

Okay!

Okay? Fuck!

--

... Exactly!

Chronicles!

Snippet One-

Past:
She is cute.
He is funny.
She makes me forget everything.
He always brings a smile to my face.
She is 'The One'.
He is my best friend.

In between:
She doesn't understands my love.
I feel sad for him.
She hurts me everytime.
He is psychotic.
I love HER. Please!
I cannot love HIM. Goodbye!

Present:
Why did she came back?
I don't want to talk about the past.
She's still magical.
He is a great friend.
I continue to love you.
I am sorry, AGAIN!

-- Don't live in the past, but never forget it too or you'll be condemned to repeat it.

Snippet Two-

Past:
He is different.
She is elegant.
He is so sexy.
She is quite like me.
He makes me feel like a little girl all over again.
She's a great friend.

In between:
He's 'The One'.
She's adorable.
He completes me.
She loves me?
He's mine, I love HIM!
I cannot love HER!

Present:
I am sorry about the past.
I still admire him.
I respect her more.
He's great as a friend.
I am falling for her.
Fuck Off!!

-- Never forgive, never forget?



...Oouch!

Tick!

He: Love bores you?
She: No!! Guess, its just disappointing.

He: No one will ever love you as much as I do.
She: Same pinch. No one will ever love me as much as I do.
He: Yeah! Right. Thats why you don't love me. How ironical, we both fell in love with the same person!
She: I guess so.

She: Why do you love me?
He: Urgghh!!

She: Okay! Lets frame it this way. What do you love about me?
He: I love everything about you that HURTS!

--

Why isn't love enough?

Sequel!

There were times when all I could desire for was YOU!
All I ever lived for was YOU!
But you never came, you just never came.
I thought that was the last time I'd seen you... it wasn't content.
But I suited myself.

Days passed by, nights got washed down.
And so I chose my other self.
Gave life another shot.
But just when I started enhaling and could see cracks in the dark fort I survived.

You returned?!?
With no clause, no sense of past, and with NO regret.
I didn't needed any sympathy.
You were at your usual best, you never gave one too.
Maybe I didn't needed you as well.

You were burried to the crux.
Feelings, emotions, memories engraved in an endless dark realm.
Never to be thought of.
Never to be felt again.
But YOU enlightened them.
The box of desires was released again.

Why?

When you touched me today, I thought this time the sense will never fade.
It was heaven, and I lived you again.
But little did I knew I was wrong.
Coz today you flew back.
Back to your eternal bliss.
Leaving cramps in an already dead heart.

I felt you for the last time, I saw you for the last time, I heard you for the LAST TIME!
And so NOW!!
Things are falling back to me in the same manner.
Your words yet again so carefree.
Right back, history has just been reversed
Its the same YOU, its the same ME!
Just that we'll never be together.

But that's okay my lady, I tried but today I couldn't weep.
It doesn't hurts anymore.
How can it? To an already demised heart!!
So from now...
I'll just sit back and watch myself play the same ME.
The ME which always seemed horrifying. The ME whom I always hated.
I'm getting to live my past yet again, which was scary as hell.
Lucky me?

--

Some locks should never be opened again.
Coz, somethings can never be solved.
But truth is:

Sometimes there never are "last times".

I wish this time it IS!

--

(Who you fooling smartass?)

Prolong!

It was a certain fear enclosing him all the time, sort of anxiety running all over. Fear of loosing, fear of failure, fear of FEAR!
He held her close and gazed into those crystal eyes in search of some answers.

You know this life is so short
And you wake up one day
You're not there.
All your dreams and everything that you ever wished for and wanted to... gone just like that!
People... people get old and you know time flies by and things change and situations change
What I want is... I just...
I want this moment right now ... this day ... and my feelings for you...
The way you look right now... the way I look at you..
I just want this to last FOREVER you know!

He hugged her tight and whispered slowly

Please don't ever leave me. Please don't ever leave me.
Say I wont!
Please...
Say I wont!

And all she replied was eternal silence!

--

They say some stories never have an ending, well maybe they never had a beginning at first!

Pour!

You don't love me because I love you.
and
I can't love You because you love me.

I got this peek-a-boo of your image.
Not your fault.
I was wrong.
You're just one of 'them'.

Tonight I threw YOU out.
Plucked those chords of your soul which were glued to mine
And pitched it out in this eternal desert

You, you, YOU!
All of YOU!

I feel miserable
Regret?
.
.
.
(?)

I didn't do it by my own.
YOU helped me, all the while.

Yet, tonight I feel miserable
Its been long, real long.
Suffocating to death

This hour I'm running short of Life, anyone to grant me some?

I promise on myself to tear you out after 'the time' too.
Please.

But I need it. Tonight.

Please!