I came out of the house,
deciding on something I never thought I would.

I intend to live on my own.
Spoke to my dad earlier this evening,
to get him to understand the problem.

But sad to say, he doesn't really understand much,
so no point getting him to understand me.

Selfish and unfilial he terms me,
then so be it.

Technically speaking, I'm suppose to be feeling upset,
but I'm not.

I have no idea why, not that I don't care,
maybe I cared too much till I'm tired.

Anyway, these few days spent with hun was really great.
I spent almost 24/7 with her ever since Saturday.
It's really like a dream come true.

Imagine.
9 years ago, that feeling deep within,
when my eyes first landed on her.
Seemingly weird but all so natural.
I felt like I loved her for a very long time.

I can't seem to put everything in words.
Like me, being able to sleep by her side,
it's more than words can express.

Hun's really very nice to me now.
I don't know, but it must be God's will.
I'm 21 this year and she's back in my life.

The best christmas present ever.
I could say I want nothing else but her now.
Haha, sounds too cliche.

I just hope that these moments spent with her will never end.
Good things always come to an end,
but I pray it doesn't.

I know she's the one.
The very special one.

It's at times like this that I wish time stops,
so i could hug her and tell her how much I love her.

Soon she'll have to go back to study,
either in Aussie or UK,
life then will be difficult and I'll miss her loads.

* Can I have one more wish for christmas? That she never has to leave.

Maybe you'd never know or you haven't noticed.
Times when I try to speak, my voice fades.
Times when I wanna tell you how much you mean to me,
I brushed it off.
Times when I wanna say I Love You, I swallowed back
those words.

All these hesitations, stabs to the heart.
I know I should express and be opened about
my feelings towards you,
but circumstances don't permit me to.

I dwell in the misery of knowing that
you'd never love me the way I love you,
that all your promises were made coz
you didn't wanna hurt me.

But what you're doing now is tearing me apart.
For a very long time, I haven't felt so much pain.

This pain, I can never express in words.
My heart totally broke yesterday.
Heavy, silent yet piercing.
Tears filled my eyes, like water in an abyss.
The depth of such sorrows, you'll never hear.

For the constant 4years and now,
I'm still waiting.
Waiting for what?
I thought time could tell me that fate has
finally relented, that I could finally be with you.

But the cruel fact is I never had your heart.
Never have, never had and never will.

There's only so much a person can take.
After all I've done, I could never measure up to
anyone in your life.

Coz I feel that I became nothing,
I was only valued as a very good friend and someone
whom you know will always be there for you.

You asked me if I could wait for you,
I told you, waiting isn't the problem,
the problem lies in the fact that no
matter how hard I try,
you'd NEVER be able to love me.

I'm sorry for you, coz you don't know who you want.
I'm sorry for her coz she can't have you anymore.

But who's gonna feel sorry for me?
For being that fool in love and that
faithful girl who was willing to do
anything for you.

* When God sent you back into my life, did he meant otherwise?

Many emotions embracing my heart.

That fear.
That anxiety.
That palpitation.
That sadness.

Negative emotions filled my heart.

A choice you had to make between her and me.

I see myself in you and I understand that I shouldn't
be like this anymore.

I was really elated that you called her and told her
your decision.

Your choice = me.
=))

I'm really shocked, surprised but yet overjoyed.
That tremendous happiness, none can explain.

I've waited so long for this day, for you to love me
the way I should be loved.

I never gave up, believing that dreams do come true.
And it happened.

But now, she really needs you.
After what you said, she must be taking it very badly.
I really hope she's okay.
I'd never ever wanna see her hurt or hurt her.
I'm sure you really care alot about her.

Go.
Go have a look at her.
Be there for her.

Coz I believe even though you peeps are just friends
now, it doesn't mean you show any less care.

She really needs you there.
I hope that by you going over, she'll be better.

On the other hand, I'm trusting you with everything.
Don't disappoint me or do anything to hurt me alrite?

You promised.
I bear them in mind.

* I love you enough to have waited.

The most painful existence of love is
hurt and sorrow.

All of a sudden,
such uncertainties.

That look in your eyes,
your face so tensed,
the troubled emotions,
all within that moment.

That's when I saw,
that care you still had for her.

Much of it, I wouldn't dare say.
But the feeling within me,
weakness overthrew my every strength.

I broke down,
knowing that this could be the end.

We started out well,
but your emotional baggage, have you let them go?

I hate to admit, i'm always at the losing end.

I just wanna say, I believe we'd last.
I love you alot and I miss you so much
even though I see you everyday.

Such desire to hold you and keep you by my side,
but being selfish has never been me.

I gave up too much last time.
I gave you up.
I lost you.
Complete devastation.

But now that you're back in my life,
I won't ever wanna let go.
I just wana settle down and spend the rest
of my life with you.

In all, I only wanna see you happy.
I respect every choice you make.
This is because I love you so much,
i'm willing to hurt myself again.

* Would you be willing or do you still feel for her?

I haven't posted for quite awhile.
Not that long, but it has been a couple of days.

Sunday.
Monday.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.

It was alot of quality time spent.
=)

Haha, my name card has finally been printed out.
Took that guy so long, but it's okay.
I like my name coz it was in yellow over
a greyish black background.
Kinda classy.

Anyone wants one?
Can always ask from me.
LOL.

I hope everyone is happy with their lives now.
I just wanna say sorry to those whom I have hurt.
Nothing was a game, it was life, love and closeness.
I've forsaken wonderful people.

I maybe in another new phase in my life,
but I've never once forgotten all who have given
me love.

That's why I have the courage to stand up again.

* Ja is a VERY VERY HAPPY girl. =))

When you can no longer differentiate between
right and wrong, that's when your mind's a blank.

You can't think,
can't do anything well.
Just standing by and waiting for the day to pass.

Love blinds everyone.
Including me.

It's 2 more days to your return.
I am looking forward to your return.
Happy I am yes.
But at the same time,
I don't know what's wrong.

What did I do to make you angry?
you've got to let me know.
Can't we just talk things out?

Deep down inside,
I wished you knew how much I missed you.
I don't show it,
but everytime when I travel in the bus
or even in the train listening to my mp3,
I'll think about you, wondering if everything's
okay.

I dare not bear too much hope,
if you came back,
would say hello and continue the journey
or goodbye and end it?

The fear, the anxiety,
I'm just so afraid.

What if I waited?
What if you didn't respond?

Wished you read my blog.

** I'm waiting for your answer.

JA

JA

JA

JA

JA

JA

JA

Can anyone repost this and tell me 7 beautiful things about me?

** It's not difficult, I just need a simple hug.

Accidents.
Loud Bangs.
Betrayal.
Trust.

I've heard issues about the above today.

So many things happening as time ticks away,
never know what awaits you the next minute.

There's always alot said about life and how
one should cherish it.

But no one really talks about failure in every
sense of the word.

Failure in relationships.
Failure in studies.
Failure in commitments.
Failure in bringing up a child,
or even failure to fail.

Such circumstances gets you thinking.

I've got alot running through my mind now,
not knowing if what is thought is true.
Is everything just a dream or a nightmare?

Everyone loves dreams, so do I.
Some people just have it all,
whereas people like me, only have
dreams that either turn to nightmares
or are never realised.

I thought about settling down alot.
I've thought about committing to someone
I hope would spend the rest of my life with.
I thought of giving all my love.
I've thought too much of the future,
I never saw my present fading away from me.

Sad to say,
maybe I'm not fated to have love to embrace me.

As much as I wished the person I loved truly,
madly, deeply was you, you still lack of the confidence
and question if I was the one for you.

Time waits for no man.
I waited,
but in the end, I'm not
only abandoned by love,
but by time as well.

** All I need is a simple love.

All I'd have to say is that I'm disappointed.

In you, I just find no meaning in asking favours anymore.

You seem so oblivious to everything.

Sensitivity is not part of your nature.

I accepted it, WE accepted it.

But why is asking you to do something simple so difficult?

In our group, you've always been the one taken care of.
Yes, we do make fun of you but we still love you just
like our lil bro.

We always try to protect you and also to help you
open up, that's why you're here today.

I wouldn't say we did alot,
but we helped you love yourself more didn't we?

I don't know what got over you, I'm not blaming you,
but I just can't understand the fact that you can't
even take notice of minor details.

It may not be your fault at all,
but I feel upset.

It's just my thoughts. don't read too much into it.

The brisk wind,
the accelerating adrenaline,
questions arising,
answers undefined,
mind says one,
heart feels another.

To whom should I lean on?
To whom is willing to love me?
The varsities of such complications,
is better left to nature.

** Monogamy and me, can you accept it?

Cry me a river.

Pinch me.

Punch me.

Bash me up.

Wake me up, I slept for too long.

It's a nightmare.

It's tearing me apart.

Why do I feel like the whole world's going against me?

I'm just a girl, please don't hurt me.

* Fly me then slice me.

Everyone gives up on me.

HAHAHA, funny ain't it?

Like someone mentioned,
I'm receiving my Karma now.

Never imagine it'll strike me again.
Honestly, I have no more, completely drained
off everything I have now.

To my enemies out there,
if you wanna defeat me or play a prank
on me, now's the time.
Coz I won't retaliate, I'll let you punch,
kick, bash and do anything you want to.

I don't feel anymore.
My pain - more than the number of years you live.
My heartbreaks - constant.
My cries - fills the entire pacific ocean.
My hurt - over and over again.

Sister says I'm a drama mama, too much drama,
being an idiotic bloody sucker for emotions.

It's true you know.

I jolly well know I deserve such things.

** If I had one wish now, I wanna die.

Now I know, no one truly loves me.

Everyone expects so much from me,
especially my MUM.

DAMN IT. REALLY. DAMN IT.

Just get lost mummy,
I'm telling this to you know.
You want money right?
I'll give you plenty.
I'll go be a prostitute!

Want me to sell which part of my body huh?

BLOODY HELL. You know what I'm going through now?

I'm having my emotional relapse again.
You happy mummy?
You want your daughter to die of emotional turmoils?
Haha, if you want it so badly, I could grant it.

I can't take it anymore.
Really.

Here I am foolishly hurting people, (Chris)
Damn bitch.
That's me.

Here I am foolishly waiting.
Damn fool.
That's me.

What am I doing?
Who's going to run forth and hug me tight?
Who's going to slap me in the face and say,
"You know what Ja, you're just another piece of SHIT.
Haha, get it right, it's SHIT. You're no better than that."

WHO?
WHO?
WHO?

** I just need to leave, leave this world for good.

Happy Deepavali to all!
Especially Cow and Mel! =)

Home all day on a public holiday,
having a bad throat and drinking
gallons of water. LOL.

Frustrations get the better of you.
Waiting was never an option to you.
The slightest management of time,
you'd erupt.

There you are, so far away,
saying it's hard to get along,
coz of the distance.

Your thoughts, I could never decipher,
your time's so limited,
but yet amidst all these,
this lil voice in me says,
till the day you return,
it'll all be worthwhile.

The tears,
the pain,
the struggles.

You mentioned returning to study
here for good,
did I hear you wrongly?
Heart skips a beat and hopes
it becomes a reality.

The only thing I can ever dare
to hope for is fate to direct
me. A good chance and please,
no more cruel jokes.

I can't take them anymore.

** If I reached out, would you take me hand and guide me?

It is really frustrating to not know
what is going on.

I'm like in self-denial, knowing that
everything seems to be so messed up,
but yet I choose to think it isn't.

As much as my emotional relapse is recurring,
I can't really do much but to surpress it.

Eagerness.
Freedom.
Love.
Perseverance.
Determination.
Motivation.

I seem to lack all of the above now.
Can someone enlighten me or probably
tell me that everything's not OKAY!
And I need to get myself back in place.

Before that relapse gets worst.
Now, who wants to be the volunteer?

Waiting patiently, but yet understanding
seems to be at a distance.

Sleep, I'm going to bed now.
BYE BYE!

** Would you be my direction?

Was suppose to be having a meeting with a client
but it has to be postponed to Wednesday.
Faints.
:/
There I go, I have to miss my prayers with the family.
As much as I don't really wanna spend time with the family,
but I love praying. =)
Ironic, but true.

Went out with Chris and Shawn,
had a great time.
Coz I get to eat Botak Jones!
Haha, wanted to have that for so long.
Thanks for the treat and the company.
It was really fun joking with you peeps.

Thanks to you Chris.
For accompanying me home,
coz you knew I wasn't feeling well.
Sorry, you had to cab back to shawn's place.
Hope you're feeling better too.
Take good care and I'm sorry for throwing
my temper at you just now,(as you mentioned).
=)

Sorry to have missed your call and message.
I was out and on the way home.
Wanted to message you back but you went offline
and I didn't wanna msg you on your hp, if you
knew what I meant.

Take good care there alritey? Study hard yea?
I'll pray for you. =)

AND I'm still having diarrohoea and cough.
Boo Hoo. Am so sad.

Feeling very tired now.
Got to go and sleep.

Good night world.

Love me, just like I love you world.

** All my feelings so deep inside.

I hate having all these melancholic posts.

All these words that just come running through
my mind and just landing themselves in this space
called, MY BLOG.

Alot of things are just so unexplainable.
Probably what my parents say is pretty true,
that I'm often this screwed up ass.

I realise I'm not that strong after all.
Maybe it's just a pretence to assure
everyone that I'm okay.

Look, everyone has their own set of problems.
My problems would just be another burden.

Now I know why I was married to you red one.
Haha. *winks*

A wait.
The answer, unsure.
The future, unpredictable.

The notion of losing myself is getting stronger
day by day.

Anyway, I'm getting sick.
Down with a cough, flu and slight fever.

I hope to get better soon.
Good night world.
Ja's going to sleep.
I need a dream.

A dream that becomes reality.
Embrace me darkness,
I'm engulfed in you.


** I just wished you heard my cries.

I know you're not feeling well
and suffering some abdominal discomfort.

You must really take good care of yourself yea?
Drink loads of warm water.
Take some medication if you have.

Remember, water is very important,
I don't want you to get dehydrated alrite?
Sleep early too.
Exams are just round the corner,
so make sure you recover fast.

You know I've always cared about you.
Just remember that.
Study hard okay?

You have my moral support here.

Good night to you.
=)

The sudden gush of wind,
that familiar notion,
made me realise that I was all alone.

As much as I would hate to admit it,
I'm back to square one.
Honestly, I don't know what to look forward
to anymore.

Singlehood, as much as it's fun and
freedom comes bountifully,
it is as much of a torture and
a desperate yearn for love.

I see two friends of mine happily in love
with their other half (Cow and Jer), I do feel a sense of
happiness for them, but at the same time
the piercing fact that I have no one to rely
on now seems to be evidently daunting.

I see two of my other friends who have been
single for the longest time and not being able
to be with the one they love (Cat and Mel). How can it be
possible that two awesome people in my life
are not in the midst of their fairytale story?

I have another friend who's in Brisbane now (Bea),
wondering if everything's alrite for her?
She may have friends there, but in a foreign
country, isn't it there less warmth and comfort.
She seemed happy when I last spoke to her and from
the bottom of my heart, I really hope she's truly happy.

I have a very good secondary school classmate of mine (Carolyn),
who had a terrible break-up, suffered from depression
and lost alot of weight even when she's so skinny already
a couple of months ago. She seems perfectly okay on the
outside, but I know the pains of it is killing her,
she cries to sleep every night. As much as I wished she'd
find someone who truly loves her soon, she said she has already
given up on love. Sad but true.

As everyone knows, my best friend, my sister, my confidante (Z.Y),
is one of the very few who's in bliss now. Happily attached
and staying together with her other half. She must have been
the happiest woman in the world for coming to 2years now.
A right choice, the right butch, the right time. It just
seemed so unbelievable but she definitely deserves the best
after all that she's been put through, something no one
can ever imagine. I hope she'd always be this happy.

Back to me and I'm speechless.
Ja's life is in pretty much of a mess now.
I broke up with Chris again after our entire
4years and 9months r/s.
It was all more than I could take.
I loved her and i knew very well she loved
me just as much, but maybe deciphering her
and being misunderstood got the both of
us tired, or should I say, me.
I'm tired, just really tired of not being
able to meet up with her more often, understand
her more, cope with her temper and harsh words.
But I never regretted loving her, our 4years and
9months r/s was amazing. Really.

I fell back in love with someone from the past.
The past that I took 4years to bury within me.
The joy, the pain, the heartache, THAT LOVE.
I collected myself, picked myself up and gave
myself and someone else a chance, but now
I kinda lost it again.
My heart speaks again, the love resurfaced
making me entering into a forbidden city again.
I fell BACK in love with her when I knew I shouldn't have.
She's attached technically and it really isn't right
to come in between, no matter how nice one makes it
sound, it's still an interference in the r/s.
I wished I hadn't commit the same mistake I did
in the past, trust me, being a third party was
never my intention. Funny, why is it always you?

I could never answer why I loved and still love you
that much. My special one, the only pure love I
so strongly had and endured for 4 years in waiting.
Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is.
As much as I want some assurance form you now,
I can't get an inch of it.
I'm in no position to expect anything form you now.
The least I could do for you is to make sure
everything is going well for you in Aussie.
To do this, I'd have to contact you only through
my blog, no sms's, no calls, no msn-ing and no
more skyping.
It's never difficult for me to reach out to you.
Deep down, I know maybe I should just lie low now
and see what happens.
I'll wait for you to come back.

Maybe during that point of time,
I'll do some soul searching and
find myself back.
I'm already guilty of so many sins.
Listen, i just want you to be happy
and I want the best for you.

As much as I miss you, wanna talk to you,
wanna see you, I'm controlling all emotions.
They're overwhelming and I feel like I need
some support now, but independence has to
be cultivated. I'll just manage on my side.

If you hear what my heart's saying now,
you'd probably understand my sadness.

This post is not to make you feel guilty
or do anything to jeopardise your r/s now,
it's just to let you know how I feel.

To my beaver, I'm sorry for everything.
It maybe too late, but I hope you'll always
know that no matter what happens, you'll
always remain important to me.
Forgive me.

I've said quite alot today and I'm not sure why my
hands are just happily settling with the alphabets
on the lappy. -shrugs-

** If you're with me, would you love me like how you'd love A?

On a lighter note,

I STILL LOVE MY DEAREST SHANE LOADS! =)))

p.s : sorry, i just thought of her, so i'm gonna
put pics of her here yea?





They're DAMN compatible can? Shane, oh my gosh.
I could just love her if she was for REAL a lesbian.
LOL. =p






HOT. HOT. HOT.







My UNEXPLAINABLE ADDICTION. *Muackz*

I went blog-hopping ahwile ago and I realised
something really similar in all of their blogs.

It was actually the statements of love,
emotions, feelings and desires.

Countless times, our blog serves as an entry
to escapism. Often or not, we find it so much easier
to just type out what we're feeling in order to ease
or surpress that emotional baggage that we have.

I've got loads of friends who are in for a hard
time, usually at the end of the year.

As much as we would love to be optimistic,
circumstances does not permit.

Our lives as human beings,
expectations get the best of us and
we see ourselves more superior than others.

For fear of being abandoned, for being unloved,
for looking bad, for fear of being unwanted and
taken granted for, we choose to build walls.
Hard rock walls that keeps building till we feel
that it's safe enough to nestle in our territory.

The fact that we wear our masks everyday,
just to fake a smile,
as tiring as it seems,
that's the only reality becomes a dream.

I opened an e-mail that Bea sent me and watched
the powerpoint slide with amazement and shame.
How lucky are we to have food on our table,
how lucky to have loving friends who care and love us
like we're blood related,
how lucky to have family members around (although not
all come from happy families),
how lucky to be alive but worrying about what's
going to happen tomorrow,
how lucky to be able to work, earn a living and
indulge in luxury once in awhile.

Most importantly, how lucky we are to have been blessed
by God and given a chance to see the world.
Amidst all these positive factors, we're still
talking about how unfair our lives are.

What about those african kids?
Who can they turn to?
What do they eat? Scrapes on the floor.
What do they drink? Animals urine.
What do they bathe with? Animals urine flushed on them.
YET, they NEVER complained.

Should we switch our lives with them?
So that would give us so much more reasons
to grumble about how the government is not
doing anything, how misunderstood or mistreated
we are.

Think before speaking, words don't cost a thing.
But a life is priceless.

Why don't we learn how to cherish our own lives
and be the humble people we ought to be?

Haha, I just get so affected and into typing such
stuffs. Oh dear, wonder what's wrong with me.

Just a thought, if a person was playful and a
known flirt, would the person be willing to
change for you, even when you promised
your entire life to him/her?

Does love involves such sacrifice?
Or is this an even greater deal than a sacrifice?
-shrugs-

** No matter what, I'll embrace all your flaws.

Elated with your presence.

Delighted with your efforts.

Contented with the waiting.

For all that you are to me,
I'm so glad you're my special one.

There are times when I think of you,
it brings a smile to my face.

- I honestly think I can start writing songs,
just need to link all the sentences to capture
the feel of a whole song. =)

Song dedication to you.

Hold it right there
Don't say a word
I hear a voice I've never heard
Calling my name
Saying this is the one
Oh my goodness what have you done
I could turn around and walk away
Saying this is too good to be real
But oh no I don't think I will

Because I absolutely, positively know without a doubt
You're becoming someone I just could not live without
I was so afraid I'd spend my whole life not knowing how this feels
Oh no, I don't think I will

I could just do what I've done before
Blame it all on the moon
Say it's nothing more
Than the pull of the tide
And it's gonna pass
But something's telling me
This time it's gonna last
I could close my eyes and just pretend I don't feel the way I feel
But oh no, I don't think I will

Because I absolutely, positively know without a doubt
You're becoming someone I just could not live without
I was so afraid I'd spend my whole life not knowing how this feels
Oh no, I don't think I will

Oh no I don't think
Oh ya I don't think I
Oh no I don't think I will


* Could heaven be so good now as to let me have you?

Wondered why my posts are always that sad?
Why my nick is always that emotional?

I wished I didn't feel that way.
It's alot on my mind, body and heart.

Emotional.
Mental.
Physical.

Damage done a million times.

All I ask for is someone to open their
door to me,
as it feels and as the world spins,
everyone gives me the cold shoulders,
I'm condemned for everything I've done
and did not do.

I don't wanna feel cold,
I don't wanna be lonely.

Where's my solace?
Keep me company,
even if it's my own shadow,
I'm comforted.

* Would you stay and never let me go?

Bring me far far away.

I need you so badly.

when are you coming home?

I'm crying.

If only what I typed could be part of a song.

* Can you just embrace me and tell me everything's alrite?

Hey there Delilah's a really nice song.
were the lyrics implying something?
wished they were for me.

It's so sweet to have someone to play this
song on a guitar and sing to you.
*ja's dreaming...*

I often wonder,
all these 21 years of my life,
where do I actually stand?

I don't queston God why my life is like this,
because there are so many more out there who
are suffering worse fates.

My request in life is pretty much simple.
A famiy who can accept me for who I am.
Is it that shameful to have a daughter who's
a lesbian?
If it is, please tell me, so I'd leave your sight,
I can't change who I am, but at least respect me.
Honestly, I don't feel any warmth at home.
My family seems to be complete, but there's this
emptiness in me about family I can never seem
to fill.


Friends who love me and cherish me just as much as
I would go out all the way for them.
So far, i have great friends and they are the reason
why I'm still standing strong time and time again.
I'm so grateful to my LIBIDOS,zy, carolyn.
These are the few names you'd always see on my blog.
Bless all of them.

Love, I just want a relationship,
a person whom i can settle down with.
To love, guide and care for all my life.
If fate permits, I'd wish to spend my
remaining years with the person.

Always hoping to have someone who can love me,
understand me, be faithful to me and after
all the time of courtship, still think that
I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.
It's hard to find,
but after much perserverance,
I believe i'll see the light again. =)

I walked over mountains,
swam across oceans,
in search for my knight in armour,
as silly as it sounds,
people often say that only in fairytales
do such happy endings exist.
till this day,
I never gave up hope in love.
I may be jaded once,
I may have got depressed,
I may have cried buckets,
but all these in the name of love,
was worth it.
I know I'm too emotional,
but if you saw love through my eyes,
you'd understand why I never gave up.

I love my life, in the past, now and deifnitely
in the future as well.
My life is a gift from God,
I'll never lose it.

* Would you love me all your life?

when days seems like years,
you close your eyes and when ya open them,
you seem like you're standing alone
in this deserted island.

But you'd always rememeber what your heart speaks.
Like a song I heard,
it's all about feelings.

I've always been a feeler,
I don't deny that I'm emotional.

I get happy over small lil stuffs.
A message.
A I miss you.
Those lil efforts that brings a smile to me face.

These honest sincere words,
always touch my heart.

* I fell, would you pick me up?

My hand trying to reach that distant light,
of which I know contain that particular happiness
I need.

But somehow or rather, it seems so far away.
When questioned, what's happiness to you?
I don't seem to be able to answer it anymore.
It used to be, "Having the love of your life,
spending every single second with you. "
Now, as said, it's just an empty shell.

Knock on the door,
open my eyes,
right in front of me,
that lil girl from my yesteryears,
reminds me how much happiness means.
That meaning of life,
I need to find it back.
Present here is just a living soul.
A heart is needed,
would you be willing to love me?

*Forever may not exist at all, but how about faithfulness and commitment?

Your Score: Hippie

You are 14% Rational, 85% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Hippie! Characterized by a strong sense of extroversion, irrationality, gentleness, humility, and a faint scent of marijuana, you no doubt frolic through fields preaching peace and free love! Immediately following that, you then frolic to the hospital with herpes! You are probably either very spiritual or needlessly paranoid about "the man", like most hippies, as a result of your focus on intuition and feelings over cold, brutal logic. You probably enjoy poetry, especially beatnik ultra-liberal crap about how horrible fascism is, even though your suburbanized, sheltered idea of "fascism" is having to pay two dollars per gallon at the gas pump. You are also very, very social. And like any hippie who would have no qualms about hitchiking across the country just to meet some interesting people, you also love to interact with others, even complete strangers. Though I highly doubt they love to interact with you! Because we know most any hippie is peace-loving and humble, it stands to reason that you, as well, are terribly gentle and humble, almost to the point of revulsion. Your carefree attitude of peace and harmony is probably very, very sickening to realists or cynics or anyone who isn't a hippie, to tell the truth. In short, your personality is defective because you are overly emotional, extroverted, gentle, and humble--thus making you an annoying hippie. Now go do your drugs and have sex with filthy bearded men in tye dye shirts.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Sociopath.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Televangelist, and the Robot.

*

*

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!

About Saint_Gasoline

I am a self-proclaimed pseudo-intellectual who loves dashes. I enjoy science, philosophy, and fart jokes and water balloons, not necessarily in that order. I spend 95% of my time online, and the other 5% of my time in the bathroom, longing to get back on the computer. If, God forbid, you somehow find me amusing instead of crass and annoying, be sure to check out my blog and my webcomic at SaintGasoline.com.

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Dearest you,

here's a lil message for you.
You might not be here at all,
you maybe that far away.

I saw that last personalised msg of ya nick,
I don't know what's wrong,
it seems that you're disappointed in me.
I could have sensed it.

Honestly, I'm still looking for a job,
consistently trying to earn income for myself.
I wished you knew it wasn't that easy.
By the way, the media job, I think I got it.
I'm just waiting for the HR department to contact
me to confirm all details.

I really wanted to share this with you,
but unfortunately, you aren't here to hear.

Quote of the day : Missing someone isn't that easy, it's like she's always on your mind be it day or night.

* Read into my heart ; been waiting.

I have this unexplainable feeling
within me these 2days.
I'm not sure what's wrong,
I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling.

Should I feel frustrated?
Should I feel upset?

I'm having a mixture of emotions within me
and I don't feel good about it.
Every night I toss and turn in bed,
I can't sleep.
What's worse, I cry to sleep.
I don't even know what's happening to me.

I'm just so lost.
I need a direction.
I need to find myself again.
I don't seem to see the light anymore.

As time passes, I wished it'd pass even faster.
Everyday's a torture.


I kinda like these 2 sentences. =)


I'd wait for you,
if that's the last thing I'd do.

* I'll embrace you, my lil tootsie.

The sound of musical instruments in accordance
to the rhythm of a song,
brings out it's soul.

A song itself is alive,
for all the emotions,
the feelings and most importantly,
the love felt within
is the nature of all who seek it.

To define your life,
it isn't so hard after all.

I brought along much happiness within myself,
into this world,
in search of something precious called "Love".

No boundaries,
no expectations,
pure unconditional love.

I poured it out on a girl I knew at 13.
for 4 whole years, I kept that flame alive
just for her.
Her smile and her presence was all that mattered to me.

she didn't need to speak a word of love to me.
All she did was just to accompany me and I
felt like a zillion bucks!

It was the first time I felt such adrenaline rush,
a pure love.

But we parted.
The breaking point hit me hard to
even believe I'd find another like her.

Till I was 17,
another girl came into my life.

Amazingly, she accepted me for who I am,
loved me without a doubt,
made sure I was happy and gave everything she could.

I accepted her love and it lasted for a whole
4years and 9months.

This longest relationship of mine made me realise
that I could just give one more shot of
sacrifices, love, care and concern.
I gave everything i could immersed myself in
this love,

but to my dismay, it all ended up back to where I had to pick
myself up the very day I collapsed 5 years ago.

I threw in the white towel.
My exhaustion is taking over my body.
My heart physically hurts and emotionally
it's destroyed.

I'm tired.
I'm crying.

A girl questions: You said you like me and I've waited for years, would you ever look at me and say, for you, I'd do anything?

* Would anyone be willing to give up anything for me?

Care and concern ; you just shut them all aside.

To you, it all seems so unneccessary.

There are just times when you know you just can't go on anymore.

* love love love.

Been feeling too emo these days.
I have no idea why.

I'm in BIG trouble for almost everything.
Feel like my life's so screwed.

I have to answer to people at work tomorrow
and I got a feeling they kinda hate me.
Numbers and all, it's pretty sickening.
I just somehow feel that even though I have
good PR skills with people, I just can't seem
to fit in, coz money isn't my goal.

MY family life?
As usual, pretty much the same old thing.
My dad thinks I'm still like a lil kid,
my mum thinks the worst of me.
Have so many people to answer to.
Sis wonders if my pay is in?

How is it possible to meet everyone's expectations?
My relationship is on the rocks.
I keep quarrelling with girlfriend.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Fault me, blame me, my bad.
Sometimes I'm just like this angelic figure
who actually has a devilish me within,
therefore I commit mistakes,
I'm only human too yea?

I put up an image that makes baby look bad,
be it in front of her friends or mine.
I'm the cry baby, she's like the bully.
Maybe people don't see the other side of me and her.
Communication, we used to have it, but it seems
we've lost it.
She misunderstands my intentions, I attack her
harshness, squabbling almost over nothing
and yet hurting words keep flowing,
the heart's filled with stabs.
BOTH of us, we need to do something.
I'm sorry if I put too much pressure on you baby.

I do love you,
but I don't have the confidence to tell myself,
I'm your best.

You asked my expectations of you.
Simple, your constant care,
your unconditional love, your willingness to
share with me your sorrows.
That's all I'm asking for, can you do it?

I know you well enough to be understood.
We've been together for so long,
have we come to a stage of stagnant notion?

I just hope things really will work out for us.
I loved you so much, just like you do for me.
We're here together still because we believe
we'd work out, can you and would you be able
to pull thru this with me?

I was out yesterday with Jac,
it was fun and all.
did alot of catching up,
she made me laugh like mad
and I had to acc her go shopping for
birthday pressies, but I got a treat back
from her as a token of appreciation.
LOL.
Thanks alot dude for the lunch treat.
It was all nostalgic, but it was a good outing,
a pure, simple and happy outing.
It really felt so good to have seen her again.
I haven't seen her for so long.
I'm glad she came back from Perth and asked me
out for lunch. Sweet Jac.
That's her, nothing short of that.
I've always felt she's just like my mirror
reflection. Haha, I'm glad she's my BESTEST
drama buddy till now. =)
I thank God for her in my life.

My dearest red one, he's finally responded!
yay! I was so happy when I was able to talk
to him today. Oh gosh, you're so missed!
We ARE and WILL meet up soon.
You've been away too long, it's time
to come home to where you belong,
THE LIBIDOS.
I LOVE these bunch of crazy folks of mine,.
they're like the sweetest and craziest folks
that are so willing to cry, laugh and most
importantly support you when you're hurt. =))

Was watching Presiden't Star Charity.
Those poor people, those suffering,
I really empathise with them.
Their courage, their undying optimism
and most importantly, love within them
has given me a wake up call.

They taught me the need to cherish life,
the need to love unconditionally,
the fact that life is cruel but amidst
all these tribulations, there lives the
purest of all, the heart to give and
not expect anything in return.
How many can do this?
Not even me.

Charity in Singapore is evident,
but how many people are willing to part
with their money and donate to these beneficiaries?
Even a $5 donation is said to be too much.
How atrocious is that?

I wished the world could open their eyes
and pay more attention to the people around
us. LOOK! There are people here who needs help,
why don't we try to help when we can?

COMPASSION. Sad to say, I don't really see
it in people these days.

* What's love to you?

I realise I've been starting to blog again.
It's good news right?
LOL.

- I saw you today,
I wasn't sure if it was you.
Your looks, your side view,
your body, your gestures.
It reminded me so much of you,
I was pretty sure it was you.
you haven't changed one bit *smiles*
still the same old innocent you,
the caring personality,
that familiar presence.
To be honest, I felt afraid yet happy.
After all these years, I'm still able
to bump into you.

I wanted to say hi,
but my courage fell low.
It's been 6years and I'll never forget
that lil time that we had.
I was immature at that time and I didn't
know how to handle relationships,
but I'm really glad to have met you
because without you, my love life wouldn't
have started at all.
Thanks for opening me up.

Timmy, I hope you'd forgive me for
everything that happened.
you;ve always been sweet and nice to me.
thanks for showing me the way.
*huggies*


POLLUTANT!
Japanese food? Haha.
I'm a hungry monster.

I'm going crazy.
don't know how i'm feeling.
Pretty strange.

Red one, I hope you'd just speak a word to me.
Just a word will do.
Let me hear you once more.

* When i close my eyes and open them again,
would you be right in front of me smiling
and saying I LOVE YOU?

Just all of a sudden,
my heart feels pierced,
tiny pieces of glass pentrating through
that fragile heart of mine.

It's now that I realise,
choices are opened for me,
but I chose to be blinded.

I haven't been able to pick myself up
recently, I don't know if it's a weakness,
but I can feel myself dropping dead.
I can sense my collapse.
My breakdown, it's nearing.
Just like death, you can never run away from it.

Red one, Red one.
How much I wish to tell you that you mean
so much to me. Among all, you've been
my greatest confidante, the one I've always
entrusted all my problems and tears too.
I know I've probably hurt you pretty bad,
I just wanna apologise, I just hope you
won't doubt me, coz I didn't lie, I really did
go to work. Don't leave alrite?
I just hope you can see this post,
it's been so long since I blogged,
but i just want you to know that I care
and I do treaure you alot,
I love you so much like a super close friend
and brother.
Talk to me, will you?
I just don't know what to do anymore..

Beaver.. It's pretty sad at times,
to think that you've faced everything
and took things in stride.
I'm suppose to feel happy for you,
but I'm kinda down.
Maybe coz I'm just lost these few days.
Energy's just so drained.
You are someone really close to me
and I've never regretted knowing you and
finding you back.
You're just so sweet and thanks for everything.
*huggies*


You know bloggie,
I'm really lost as to what's going on.
I'm really lost...

My loves, have I abandoned them?

I feel I can't meet expectations anymore.
I need to sleep.
Sleep and try to not wake up.

Tired.

* MY tears, are they enough to trade for my special ones?

My current blog music is great!
I'm beginning to love this song,
kinda relates to me I must say. =)

I realise I'm becoming an over-sensitive girl.
Not sure why I'm having such a change, but it's scary.
Sometimes I go crazy,
sometimes I cry,
sometimes I get angry,
sometimes I just feel so helpless,
but yet amidst all these,
in the minds of people around me,
I'm just another happy go lucky girl.
HAHA.
Oh well.

I need to get a hold of myself soon,
before I lose myself to my emotions.

My eyes hurt,
my tummy feels weird,
my brain's a lil dead,
I'm tired out and
I BADLY need my beauty sleep. LOL.

Haven't had a decent one since I
started work in Citibank.
Pretty horrible. =/

I decided to really do something about my
life, i'm 21 this year and I ain't gonna
laze around and wait for the world to
embrace me.

I wanna embrace the world,
to help people,
to do something meaningful.

1.I want my OWN driving license soon.
2.I want my OWN car soon.
3.I want MY Degree in either Arts/Media.
4.I want to have my OWN living space.
5.I want to have a SUCCESSFUL career.
6.I want to happily be a MOTHER of 8.

That's what I'm going to work towards for
now, there are still more to come.
But step at a time yea?
I want all these by the age of 25,
except for number 6, which is pretty
impossible. LOL.

My ambitions, I've held back too many
stuffs in the past, it's time to do something
NOW! =)

* I really hope you'd always be my motivation baby.

You know, there are times when you just
sit down and wonder if life's been all fair to you?

I see the faces,
the fake masquerades,
such pretentious figures,
would the world be a better place?

Emotions overwhelming,
in TERRIBLE need of a shoulder to cry on,
a listening ear,
where was that familiar comfort?

Humans are complex creatures.
For once, I'd have to agree with that statement.

Giving a chance for people to love,
yet we're taken for granted.

Does anyone know the sorrows of a dying person?
or the cries of a wounded child?

The stabs, the continuous slaps in the face.
Words of spikes and actions of fire,
it's good enough to kill someone.

Look into the mirror and search your conscience,
reflections don't lie.

* Bittersweet tears, would you wipe it away?

This guy is my new found crush and craze.

ZAC EFRON - OH MY GOSH, he's dashing!
But he's only 20. SAD!

Anyway, I still find him SO DAMN CUTE! =p

I missed so many posts.
To update them, I think my fingers will just die there.
LOL.

Today's such a boring Saturday.
Not like every Saturday is exciting. LOL.

I woke up around 2pm.
Thanks to my lil Belle.
She jumped on the bed, scratched me
and barked REAL loudly.
Even the deaf and dead will arise. =p

I woke up feeling sick.
Left leg was hurting again,
thought I had fever, but I guess this is all
due to late nights. I slept at 4plus am this morning,
mind you.

I surfed the net while waiting for my mum to pack lunch
back for me. Was talking to my dear.
We woke up at almost the same time. LOL.
Fate or just pure coincidence?

My dear apologised this morning for doubting me.
I accepted it.
At times, I understand how he feels,
but I'm glad he knows i'm truly sincere.

I took this questionnaire.
doesn't seem right at certain parts.
Comments anyone?

My priorities in life:

Pride.
Career.
Family.
Money.
Love.

^ So untrue. LOL.

Definition of my personality: Cute.
Definition of my partner's personality: Sweet.
Definition of my enemies: Small - LOL.
Intepretation of sex: Bitter - ??
Definition of my own life: Beautiful.

Person I'll never forget: Beaver =)
Person whom I consider a true friend: Z.Y =))
Person whom I really love: Chris (my dear)
My twin soul: Mel, my red one. Hehe.
Person I will always remember: My lil sis. =p

I question myself, it maybe just a questionnaire,
but am I really like this? *shrugs*

Was msning with z.y,
been ages since I last saw her.
Had an invitation to eat Crystal Jade's dim sum
at Holland V, but I rejected.
So sad, I'm like rejecting an important part
of my life - FOOD!
How is that possible? Bleahz.
My mum wants me home, it's her day. LOL.

Talking to Beaver online too.
She's one funny and sweet sweet person.
She's like an angel to me man.
Always there for me no matter what happens.
I'm just so grateful that she's back in my life again.
Beaver rocks my socks! =)

Ate my lunch, watched my Angel Lovers vcd.
All of a sudden, I had an inspiration,
but I don't know if it'll work out.

Libidos, I need your opinions on this.
Let me know what ya think abt it yea?
I was thinking of setting up an agency
that solely belong to the Libidos.
Since the Libidos have grown up with me
and shared all my ups and downs with me
for the past 3years and we're all very emotional
but yet strong people,I decided to share this idea
and hopefully it'll be fulfilled.
The objective of our agency is to help all those
heartbroken guys and girls who need help in love,
to stand up, pick themselves up from their failed r/s and
to be strong again. Of course we'd have exceptional cases,
whereby we don't deal with only love relationships,
but family, friends or even enemy related ones.

We'll run the agency by ourselves.
I'll be the Boss of course. LOL.
Mel and Jer, you guys would be the angel lovers to all
those girls out there who need help.
Cathy and Cow, you girls would be the angel lovers to all
those guys out there who are hurting.
Our mission is to help them in every way possible,
to step out of the past and move on with the future.

Haha, so how? Good idea? This will be like our side job,
of course each of us still have our own career to
pursue, so no obligations but it'll be a good way
to bond the LIBIDOS closer. =))

Tag on my board for ur commetns and all yea?
Thank you so much my Libbies.
I love you people so much.

My grandfather has shingles.
Poor him. :(
I'm so worried about him.
I saw him tossing and turning on his bed.
He looks weak and uncomfortable.
I don't know what to do to make him feel better.
I just hope he'd recover soon.
I'll pray for my grandfather.
Doc also says he might have symptoms of heart
attack, that's scary.
He's old and I should expect it but
I'd never be able to face it if he's gone one day.
He means so much to me.
I love him very much. He's the only grandfather
I get to see almost 21 years of my life coz my
paternal grandfather passed on when I was only 3.

I'm going to see what I can do now.
Bored.
I prob will go surf the net or something,
need to prepare for my tuition lesson tomorrow.
Orals for my students.
Haha, it's fun being a tutor.

Alritey, will update again.
I better get the habit of blogging everyday again.
Don't fail my resolution. =)

* I'd rather forsake love if we don't work out again.

After so long, I'm finally touching you again.
Left you alone for nearly 2months.
Sorry bloggie.

I just felt like blogging today.
For the rest of the events that happened these 2 months,
I'll slowly update them alritey?
Give me some time.

I started my new job at Citibank a week ago.
The environment's very diff from DBS,
all tensed up, all stressed out.
Numbers are your salary. LOL.

I've been giving the princess countless
morning calls everyday. That girl has a habitual
late problem coz she doesn't sleep early.
But somehow I'm glad for her,
she's finally back with Louis.
As much as I don't agree with them being together,
I accept the fact tt Maureen can't live without him.
She loves him and all I'm hoping for her now is
to be happy. If ever Louis bullies her again,
I'll make sure he'll be condemned from love
coz he doesn't deserve love if he doesn't understand
the true meaning of it.
Good luck babe.

Had no sales at all.
My gosh, I'm given a target now.
$15k everyday.
I just hope I can achieve it.
Gee, sometimes trying to aim high
isn't a good thing to do. lol.
My manager expects quite abit from me,
guess I just have to prove my worthiness. =)

Did a call evaluation today.
Not too bad, at least I was appreciated
for my persistence. LOL.

Knocked off, Louis sent me to City hall
mrt. Thanks dude and babe.
Talked to my dear on the way home.
Bought steamed cake and lekor from the pasar malam
at Bedok Inter. Haha, pasar malams are fun.
Love their food. =))

Home and I watched 2 of my discs
of chinese idol drama.
I just love those sappy stories.
Gosh, I'm a walking emoticon. LOL.

I just read my dear's blog entry today.
I knew something was bothering him.
What is it?
Or shoudl I just ask myself?
What exactly is wrong with me?
The thought of patching back,
was meant to bond us closer.
I gave us one more chance coz I felt
that by giving up our 4years r/s,
I'd be throwing that amount of happiness down the drain.
I saw your effort, felt your love,
all th things you've done,
how much you showed that I meant to you.
Dear, I really want things to work out btw us.
There are so many factors out there, but yet I chose
to stick with you, I wished you knew abt my dilemma.

I can't explain that there's this emptiness in me.
When I was single after J'van, I was completely
devastated. I couldn't trust love anymore.
Everytime, I foolishly believed tt I could be loved
forever. I don't blame you for anything,
but your exit left me scarred, I loved you so much
in the past, knowing that I could sacrifice anything
in the world for you, you were the one.

Now that we're back, we forget the past and start
afresh, I just hope that with this new start,
something will come out of it.
Us being happy once again.
I'm sorry if I disappointed you this time,
by making you feel so insecure and all.
I'm trying to work things out, i hope you know
how hard i'm trying.

As long as I'm in this relationship with you,
I'll make it work out and i hope you'd work
with me too.
We were suppose to look out for our future right?
It's just that sometimes when I sit down and think,
I just feel this emptiness in me.
When we quarrel or you don't seem to care,
I feel so lonely.
I just want to spend as much time with you.

If you really love me,
don't ever let me go again.
You promised happiness,
I gave us one more chance,
the reason why I didn't let go
is coz I believed we'd work out.

Smile my dear,
I'm here for you always.
If settling down is what you're thinking,
I'd be willing if you are. =)

- Beaver, thanks for always being here for
- me, no matter what happens, you're always
- important to me. It's amazing how we get
- to find each other after 6whole years.
- i'm glad our paths crossed once again,
- this time I'm never gonna lose contact with ya again. =)
- you're close to me as my sister, z.y.
- huggies.

* I stayed for you, would you embrace me once again?

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MONDAY

I guess it's the beginning of the week,
and as always, it's pretty draggy.

But I took a day off to have a good rest.
Seriously, I've been too tired physically.
Even when I just climb a flight of steps,
I tend to get breathless real easy nowadays,
wonder if my heart's not functioning as strongly
as before? - shrugs-

As you all know, when I take off or if I'm on MC,
I won't stay home.
It's such a norm.

I woke up,
showered and all,
took bus 17 with my lil sis to the interchange
before I cabbed down to Balam road to pick
Chris up to go back to his house.

Poor him,
was so tired after taking care of Javier for
a couple of days.
That boy is just so adorable, wished he was my kid,
or should I say I wished I had my very own? =)

We were just slacking at his house.
I was sleeping, he needed rest too.
So we were just chatting and all,
about stuffs that we usually chat about.
It just seems like the past, oh boy do
I miss us. =)

We decided to catch a movie,
Pirates of the Carribean.
It's an awesome movie.
So we decided to go to PS to watch it.
Wanted to watch the 5p.m show,
but it was selling fast.
As always, I don't know why,
PS would be that very place whereby
we can't get the tickets or the ideal seats
we want. So cursed. -pouts-

We were walking around and all,
saw one of the club rainbow kids
at the sexy shop at PS where they sold
all those sex stuffs and all those
knick knacks. =)

Did I mention I ate Ajisen Ramen too?
Yummy! =)

Chris really wanted to watch the movie,
therefore I sacrificed the club rainbow meeting
for him, I didn't go in the end.
We wtached the 6p.m show.
It lasted all the way till around 9p.m.
Super long, my butt was hurting. Lol.
The movie was awesome.
My wonderful Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp,
they make me go so MAD over them.
My lover boys. LOL. =p
The storyline and allw as well scripted.
I rate it a 7.5 / 10

The last part right after the show was good.
10 years later . .
Can you imagine if you had to wait for
your loved one for 10 years and you only manage
to see that person for only a day?
Gosh, that's miserable. =(
But true love can withstand all obstacles yea?

After the movie, we went to the arcade
to play some games.
It was very fun.
Chris practically made me enjoy his company.
He was sweet and caring and all.
I wished I loved him all over again.

Then he sent me home after all that,
took a train to Bedok Mrt station before
taking a cab back to my house.

I lef the cab with a happy feeling.
It was a fruitful day.
I enjoyed myself very much.
Thank you so much.
-huggies-

* I stared up at the ceiling, is this our past?

TUESDAY

The usual calling.
Daisy had a one to one talk with us today.
Such a Biatch.
Seriously, I can't stand her anymore.
Making false accusations,
-hmpf- that's so Daisy's style.

That's the first bad thing that happened for
the day.

After work, Maureen and I rushed off to meet Louis.
We decided to hitch a ride from Bang's boyfriend's car.
Such a nice couple, actually sent me and Maureen all
the way to her house.
Maureen stays in a condo, haha.
Her mum's cute. =)

After which we left when Maureen took her stuffs.
We cabbed down to Louis house.
His house made me even more envious!
It was a semi-detached. Faints.
All these rich peeps.
I guess it's just life.
Some people have it all, whereas some just don't.
No worries, I'm very contented with what I have now. =)

We went down to the West Coast Car Mart.
Maureen went to colelct her car.
Lucky girl, at the age of 21 and having her own car.
I want my very own TOO! =p
Prob would want a sports car.
It must be yellow though. =)

So Louis drove the car with such expertise.
He could talk on the phone and drive.
Gee, I'm so glad he's a safe driver. LOL.
We decided to dine at West Coast mac .
Had my usuasl double cheese burger with
SHAKER FRIES this time.
Delicious.
Crapped and all.

Louis and Maureen sent me home.
How nice of them.
Appreciate it peeps.
But no more honking and middle fingers please.
So unglam ar. LOL.

Showered.
Rest.

Dad and mum and sis quarelled over my issue.
Just so sick and tired.
Spare me will you?

I received a msg from Chris.
It was so strange, therefore I kept calling him,
but he didn't pick up my calls.
Was so worried.

We managed to talk after which,
but it was all filled with emotions.
So hard to describe.
I just knew I cried so hard and badly that
I almost couldn't breathe.
He made it clear, his decision.
He no longer wants to hang there.
And I on the other side am confused.
Time, would you be willing to give it to me?
We're not going to contact as much.
When I heard it, I felt really sad.
But I guess he didn't expect my reaction
to be so big.
I didn't know if I felt as much as before,
all I knew was that i almost went into my
crazy mode again.
I was talking to myself after hanging up the phone with him
and I also sent a ridiculous msg.
I just typed - Haha(4 times)
Crazy!

I was afraid to lose him
but yet love isn't selfish.
I wouldn't wanna see him suffer coz
of my own confusion.
I'm sorry if I've disappointed you
or let you down.
I don't mean it.

Forgive me.

* Would you ever love me the same again?

Today, Daisy didn't come to work.
Happy? YES! VERY!
I know I'm mean but I'm beginning to understand the
statement made by many,
" Female bosses are tough nuts to crack" LOL.

Did our calls as usual.
Was suppose to meet Cow at her house as
soon as I fnished my work,
but I got so involved in my work
that I only reached her place at 8.30p.m.
SICK!
I hate staying back when I don't get paid.

Went to Carrefour to get the FAMILY sized chicken,
my salmon tuna and red bull for dearest Cathy. =)

When I reached cow's house,
we immediately had dinner.
Was so famished.
So sorry to keep you peeps waiting.

We were having our lil mini girl's talk.
We were such funny people.

We played a prank of Jerrie.
Annoying him and all, it was fun.
But in the end, we achieve dour goal
and that is to make sure Jerrie watches Shrek 3
with Cathy and Mel.
Coz he thought of pang-sehing again.
Which is definitely IMPOSSIBLE!
Muahahaha.

We watched the Moritess and The Superfriends
video clip on Youtube.
Super hilarious.
Thanks for the introduction Maureen. =)

We soon left Cow's house as it was getting late.
Cathy took a cab,
Jerrie called, cathy called,
we conferenced and we started chatting.

Cathy missed her last bus and train,
whereas Jerrie was enjoying his feast of BOOBS! LOL.

Hung up with them.
Showered.
Rest and here I am now.
Blogging before I go off for my camp
tomorrow.
I'll miss my blog coz I can't express my feelings
for these 4 days. I'm going to miss you bloggie.
Love you.
Don't worry, I'll be back soon.
Be good.
Muackz.

I'll miss everyone of you.
I really will.
Just msg or call me if you need someone to
talk to.
-huggies.-

* you still care, I still worry, why do we end up like that?

FRIDAY

The usuals.
But the good thing is we had a
3 hour lunch break.
Haha, I know that's evil!
LOL.

Marcus was very nice,
to have invited Maureen and I for lunch.
Shhh..
can't say much, but we ended up at
Changi Airport for lunch.
I know it's very far, but I enjoyed the journey.

Marcus went to meet a client,
whereas Maureen and I went to
the viewing hall.
The view of the aeroplanes were really good.
It's such a wonderful sight.
We were talking about our love lives and all.

I could see that Maureen missed Gen Hong alot.
It was in her eyes.
I just hope that she'll be happy.
- Gen Hong, don't disappoint me AGAIN -

As for me, I felt sadness,
I missed him.
I really missed J coz when I saw Marcus speak,
the way he spoke, it reminded me so much of
J. Why?

Then there was silence.
Maureen and I just sat there and watch the airplanes
take off one by one.
That feeling, I really wished I had him beside me.

After the whole melancholic thing,
Maureen and I went over to BK to grab a bite,
Marcus came over afterwhich.
We talked over some stuffs before heading back.

Ah Jia was asking our whereabouts, so sucky.
We went back and just continued with our calls.

Guess what?
Daisy came back and did a spot check on us.
I knew it, sometimes I really don't like her.
she didn't seem to believe that maureen was sick.
-shrugs-
Now I believe the story of female bosses.

After work , I met Jerrie.
First, we went over to Bugis,
was supposed to buy some hats for my
camp, but couldn't find any.
So, we ended up at Marina Square, accompanying
him to get his slippers and jersey.
At least, he managed to get his stuffs.
Thanks Jerrie, i enjoyed myself with you.
Thanks for the treat too. =)
huggies.

Home.
Talked to beaver.
Hehe, Beaver's such a sweetie.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I appreciate it.

Talked to Chris,
but hp battery was flat.
Sorry.

* Fly me to the moon.

SATURDAY

I woke up around 2plus p.m.
Tell me about it.
I was exhausted the night before.
I slept at like 5a.m.

Woke up finding that I had quite a number of missed calls
and messages.
Washed up, accompanied Mum to have lunch.
Told Red one to come over to my place with Triplet
and Darlz, coz mummy wouldn't like the fact that I'll
be going out.
In this way, I can accompany mummy and have my friends
with me. =)

Red one and triplet came over.
Belle barked at Mel like nobody's business.
Wonder why she was barking so furiously?
Guess what?
I got the newest Creative Zen Stone mp3
from them!
Whee....
Happy like mad.
They really know I needed an mp3.
It's lime green in colour.
Thank you people!
I love you peeps. -big hug-

We were playing monopoly(spongebob version)
Mel was winning like crazy,
he had so many Krusty Krabs(hotels)
I owe him money most of the time. Lol.
But it was fun playing the game.

We ordered in KFC.
After that, Jerrie came over.
So we had our dinner,
watched "Cheaper by the Dozen"
It was such a good show.
I love it. =)

Then we played RISK.
I was a stranger to that game initially.
It was my first time playing it,
so I was kinda blur.
Mel was good with his instructions,
so we all followed, had a trial run
before the real one.

I was supposed to be the WINNER.
But I was so blur that Mel won. Lol.
Oh gosh.
SO dumb.

It was getting late, so we packed up and they left.
I showered and it was bed time.

=)

* Happy thoughts!

Today,
as usual, there was Mass.
I saw the cute and hunky guy
I always seem to have fate with in church.
He really looks like a mummy's boy.
A quiet but nice guy.
When we were saying peace, he turned around,
smiled at me and wished me peace.
I tell you, my heart was melting.
Such a heartthrob! =))

After church, we had lunch at the nearby coffeeshop,
then we headed for Bugis.
In search of my stuffs, we found a few shops,
but we need to go back and get those hats again.

Shopped at NTUC after that and we took
a train back home.

The Libidos are organising an overseas trip.
KL.
Yay!
But I hope my parents agree to it.
Would love that. =)
*Excited.

Showered.
Slacked.
Updated my Fridae profile and had dinner.
Now am just blogging and talking to Chris.

Sometimes my actions don't coincide with my words.
I'm still wondering now,
do I still love Chris like before?

The past has gone, the present is here,
things have changed, but do we still
have that unbreakable bonding that we used to have?

Seriously, I'm confused.
Would you let me know if you'd wait?

* Maybe time isn't what I need at all.

This is terrible,
I haven't been blogging promptly
these days.
Punch me.

TUESDAY

Tuition was cancelled,
therefore I decided to have dinner with
DD and Maureen.
As usual.
THEE couple. LOL.

Wanted to have steamboat and all,
but it was so freaking crowded,
have no idea why.
LOL.
Everyone has cravings like me.

We therefore decided to go Pasta Mania
as suggested by Maureen.
Wanted to go over to Bugis street to have
a look at those hats for the camp,
but I guess it was too late.
Oh well.
Will prob drop by on Friday.

Over to Pasta Mania.
Saw this really arty farty guy.
Woohoo!
He's so my type,
but abit unfriendly,
so who cares? LOL.

Had my usual Mushroooms and prawns,
wanted to have fafalle,
but I got Fusilli in the end.
*pouts*
The chef mixed up the orders.
Faints.
Just had to stick with it.
Maureen was talking about Gen Hong,
Gen Xian and all.
Guess she must have really missed him.
I could see it in her eyes.
I hope she'll be happy,
and really hoep that Gen Hong will be
back by her side. =)
Good luck my dear babe.

Was walking around and talking in the
middle of bugis junction near the fountain.
My precious libidos called,
we conferenced and they suggested going
to KL. Haha.
Yay! I was really excited even though
we were going to watch Man U play -bleahz
LOL.
Coz this would be my first trip out of Singapore
with my precious Libidos.
Love them.
I'm going to psycho my parents to let me go
no matter what. LOL. =)

Home after which.
As usual, alone.
DD sent Maureen over to the bus-stop.
But he was nice to msg me and tell me
to be careful on my way home.
Sometimes, I wonder when I would
have that privilege to be pampered once again.
-shrugs-

Home.
Showered.

* Wondering gets me nowhere.

WEDNESDAY

Tution today.
Haha.
I sold 16 cards.
Yay.
It's good, but I didn't like it when
Daisy just keeps checking on us.
We're giving you numbers, so don't get on
our backs all the time.
It's pretty irritating. LOL.

Tuition was great as usual.
Enjoyed eveyr minute with my tutees.
Chris was really sweet,
cabbing down all the way from home to
meet me at Tampines just for supper.
I missed him yesterday and today.
Coz I didn't hear from him.
It was just so weird, the feeling of worrying
and all came back.
Hmmm . . strange.

We had supper together,
but I accidentally talked about Jac,
which made him kinda upset.
I mean be it Jac, Chris or J'van,
every single one of them has made an impact
in my life and has contributed to where I am today.
I thank God for them,
but there is no comaprison coz I feel differently
towards each and every one of them.

Jac's my first love,
that pure, unconditional love.
Someone I will never forget and who
will always have the most special place in my heart.
He maybe my past, but I wouldn't wanna live my past
without him in it.

Chris's is my longest ex.
Had a relationship of 4 years.
Something i never imagined but yet
I'm forever grateful to have met him.
He has been the dearest angel in my life,
no matter how many times I cried for him,
I never blamed him because I know I loved him
very much, much more than he thinks.
The memories we share are something that no one
can ever take away.
He lives in my heart,
but at this spot where no one comes near.

J'van is my comfort.
He was there when I needed the love,
when I was down, he pulled me out of it.
He taught me the facts of life,
the truth about love and death.
I'm glad to have met him and even if memories
with him seemed limited, they're my treasures.
I love him, I really did.
But everything was too late, therefore our
journey ended.
It doesn't matter if he hates me now, but
I just want him to know that i was really happy
with him during that 2 months and the official
12 days.
I was a princess. =)

He sent me home.
It was like 4 years ago.
How nice it felt,
but then when I turn back,
it isn't the same anymore.

* Thinking about you, me or who?

Today has been great.
For starters, I was super early for work.
LOL.
Good good.
Daisy's on MC!
I knwo it's kinda mean,
but I feel so much better without her around,
no stress, no piercing eyes. -nods-

Lunch break.
Haha.
My gang and I were super mean.
We bought Nasi Lemak from Carrefour,
it was super expensive!
6 bucks for mine, I almost died.
Hehe.
There were 2 seperate stickers on
the packet, we didn't wanna pay that much,
therefore we ripped off one of the stickers.
Gee.
Instead of 6 bucks, I paid only $3.80.
Alrite, i know i shouldn't do that,
but I seriously didn't wanna pay that much
even though the food was well-known.
This will only happen once.
- for kids at home, please don't learn. -
LOL.

My calls were sucky.
Customers were bad.
Sales dropped.
I only sold 7 cards.
Save me.
I'm so gonna get scolding from Daisy tomorrow.

Marcus, DD and Allen are nice, funny
but quite corrupted guys.
=)

Ah Nai, Bangs, Shi Hui, Maureen and Jane
are just the people who make life so much
more better in DBS Bank.

LANG-KAO - better don't stare again,
if not I'll dig your eyes out. Haha.

Tuition today.
Had to cab down.
Thought I was late,
but my tutees were later.
If I knew, I wouldn't take a cab,
gee.
There goes my 16 bucks.
-cries-

But it's alrite,
Maureen accomapnied me till I reached
my tutee's house.
Lesson was long but fruitful today.
I gave them a compo to do.

After tuition,
I was talkingto Maureen after which
I was talking to Chris.

- May we're really drifting, I don't know,
I want so much to talk to you like I did last time,
to joke and share with you everything, but our
past haunts me. I know I can't go on accpeting your
goodness if I don't really feel the same anymore,
but at the same time, I just love the love you shower
on me. IT seems so different from the past, this love
keeps me wanting to embrace it. The problem is should
I keep you hanging or should I just let you go?

* What do you hope my answer will be?

SATURDAY

Can't remember much.

HAPPY 23rd WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
to you mum and dad!
May your love be the best in the world
and keep the flame burning.
Love you people.

I booked a place at Indulgz at Tan Quee Lan Street
for my parents,
so that they can have a romantic dinner
to reminicse the past.
Sweet eh?
It cost me 150 bucks!
But I guess it was worth it.

It was meant to be a surprise,
but my parents ended up being late,
so we had to cab down there.
Bleahz.
Thanks to Ah Nai and Marcus.
Appreciate it. =)

I let my parents enjoy their dinner
while I had mine with Cathy and Jer.
It was nice to see them again.
Missed my Libbies. =(
WE decided to have steamboat.
Yummy! I had a HUGE craving for that.
We were talking and eating.
Haha.

We left some space for dessert after which. Yes!
I ate pulut hitam with vanilla ice-cream.
Delicious.
Ah Chew's good.
Next time I'll introduce this place to my
other half. =)

After which, my tummy was bloated
and I looked like I was 5 months pregnant.
I'm dead serious.
I need to lose some weight. LOL.

I needed to be back home.
Therefore, we went to the MRT control station
at Bugis.
Met my dearest red one, so dashing.
Seriously, I kinda missed him.

That's all I can remember.

* The songs . .

SUNDAY

Happy Mother's Day to all
and especially to dearest Mummy.
=)

I love you everyday,
but I don't show.
Hope you know that.

Mass.
Shopped for groceries.

Home.
Showered.
Dinner.
Can't remember much about today.

* My mind's a blank.

MONDAY

Work.
Was supposed to be meeting the Club Rainbow
Youth Committee,
but I ended up working over time
and meeting Chris for dinner. LOL.

Maureen and DD joined us as well.
We were at the Orchard Hawker Centre having dinner.

Chris and I went to the Swensen's near
Crown Prince Hotel to have ice-cream.
It was sweet and all.
Thanks for the treat.

Met Shermaine on the way,
chatted for awhile before going home.

That's all I can remember.

Stupid Blogger!

TUESDAY

I was on MC.
Was over at Chris's place.
I can't afford to stay home and let
my mum nag at me.

Tuition after which.
It was great.
English is getting tougher.
GP's are killers! LOL.

Went for supper with Chris and Shermaine
at 85.
Sting Ray and Bak Chor Mee.
Sugar cane juice with lemon yes? =)

Home.

WEDNESDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Z.Y.
My loveliest sister.
One of my VERY important friends.
Trust me, I'm willing to die for her.
Okay, i'm serious.
She's been through my ups and downs with me.
I love her to bits.

May your 21st be the best year.
Stay happy and smile! =)
Loads of love for you.

Work.
Bought a gift for Jie.
A GUESS BAG.
$180.
Peng san.
But it's her 21st birthday, so no sweat. =)

After work, I went over to pick Jie and Samantha up
from White Sands before heading to the chalet.
There was loads of food!
Yummy!
Am such a pig!
Eric, Jiefu and all was there.
So it was fun even though there were only a few
people. =)
Enjoyed myself.

Cabbed home.
Slept.

THURSDAY

Work.
Supposed to have tuition,
but I cancelled it.

Coz I had to go for mass today.
Obligation day - Ascension Day.

I sold 12 cards today.
Yay!
My motivation comes from Chris.
Thanks.
=)

Ate dinner.
Home.
It's so mundane.
Haha, enough of routines.

I need some FUN.

* Mel's right, I need to cross the finishing line too.

Friday

Work as usual.
I was practically rushing coz
I had a major appointment with my Libbies.

I always look forward to meeting them.
Without a doubt,
they're one of the most important people in my life.
Not just mere words.
Coz they're really the best! =)

I rushed like mad but I was still late.
I only managed to meet Cathy at around 7p.m.
Sorry babe, made you wait so long.
We took a train to Khatib.

Was talking to Cathy and all,
just couldn't wait to see the rest.
When we arrived,
I finally got to see Cow for the first time
ever again.
Gosh, I miss my Lesbie. =)
My red one, boy I miss him too.
Saw Ranjini, the couple, I didn't really get their names
and Lionel with his gf Valerie.
LOL.
Didn't notice Lionel and his gf at all.
What a shame.
Waited for Jer to arrive, as usual.
The late king. LOL.

We walked over to the place where we had our dinner.
It was the Bottle Tree Park.
The restaurant there was alrite.
Food was like quite pricey.
-shakes head-
But at least everyone managed to eat their fill.
We mingled around and played some funny games.
Took pictures as well too.

The couple had to go, therefore leaving
the rest of us only.
So we just sat at a place and thought of games
and ghosts stories to share.
It was pretty interesting.

Cow had to leave, so we accompanied her to pack
food for her parents,
before sending her and Ranjini off asthey needed to go home.
Mel sent Ranjini home.
Jer, Cathy, lionel, Valerie and me took a slow
walk to the train station.
Wanted to go some place and chill,
but it was kinda late and Daddy didn't really wanted me
to stay out too late,
therefore we all decided to head back home.

Overall, it was good.
The outing, the food, the people.
Just that we had so little time to get
to know each other better.

Hope there are more chances.
But somehow it just feels weird.
-shrugs-

Had a lil tiff with Chris.
I don't even know why.
Maybe this hanging feeling is killing him.
I feel the closeness when I'm with him,
I do miss him at times.
But at the end of the day,
am I feeling the way I used to feel for him?

* Questions run through my mind like a racing car.

SATURDAY

I had to wake up early.
LIke around 10plusa.m,
coz I had tuition at 11.30a.m.
Tired.
But I'm committed. LOL.

I was still late for tuition coz the bus came late
and all, completely delayed and wasted my time
even though I left home early.

Had my lesson with my 2 wonderful students.
I'm glad I had students who knew how to listen
and think.
Had a fruitful lesson.
So I basically enjoyed it.

Jeremy asked me out for lunch,
but I couldn't go coz mum was not feeling well.
Had a case of diarrohea.
Poor mummy, so i packed food for her
and got her a packet of Lipton tea to ease
the purging.

Maureen too, asked me out for a movie
probably with Henry and Ryan,
but I told her I had to see how first.
Silyl girl, trying to match make Ryan and me.
At times, I really wonder, a girl like me . .
Would a hunky yet dashing guy like Ryan fall in
love with me or is even willing to go out with me?
It's not that I lack confidence,
but I know where I stand.
He's a guy,
I'm lesbian.
The chances of getting together, is probably close to nil.
Sorry babe.
But having Ryan as a good friend is not a bad idea after all. =)

I surfed the net,
chatte don msn.
Alex the prawn eater wanted to ask me out for dinner,
but I told him said I was too tired.
Seriously, I was.
Be it emotionally or physically.
I'm drained.
But another reason was coz of Chris and me.
I don't know what we are now.
This closeness is either hurting him or
making me like a bitch.
I feel really comfortable when I know he's here
to protect me and wipe away my tears.
But is this fair to him?
- shakes head-

I slept the whol afternoon through till around 8plusp.m.
I guess it was one of the best naps I had.
I felt much better after that.

Dinner.
Played Monopoly with my sis.

Chatter with Chris till the wee hours of the morning.
We talked about our past.
Our feelings.
I ended up breaking down again.
This time, in front of him after so long.
I cried so hard, my heart hurt so much.
My emotional breadown had another round of relapse again.
I thought I was strong,
but I realised I wasn't.
i was putting on that mask for far too long.
I need to be myself,
show my weakness.
Needed someone to protect and care for me.
Just to carry me, coz I'm too tired to carry on.

I'm so sorry if I scared you.
At times, I wished you told me to stay,
at times I wished you never let me go.
Because if you asked me to stay, i wouldn't leave.
Never.
But being the usual you, you compressed all your emotions,
never letting it out and expressing it to me.
That's why I left, I was too tired.
Too tired of salvaging our relationship without
your assuarance.
Blame me.
I ended up with another,
but don't be mistaken,
it took me alot to leave you in my heart,
in the past.
That amount of pain, I felt it as much as you did when
we parted.

Then I got hurt again,.
this time with a greater cut.
How many cuts can this fragile heart of mine bear?
If my heart spoke, would any of you whom i loved,
mend it up truly without me having to leak a tear again?

* I slept calling out to you.

Today has been alrite.
Mass.
Lunch.

Was supposed to go for some Club Rainbow,
introduction over tea,
but I didn't.
Coz it was like a last minute thing and
you know, my parents HATE such stuffs.
So I just cancelled it.

Jerrie messaged me asking me out
for lunch and to accompany him to
get his earphones.
I couldn't, needed to get back home for
some spring cleaning.
Sorry dude.
I'll make time for you one day yea? =)
huggies.

Spring cleaning.
Vacuuming,
mopping and all.
Tired, but it was a great workout.

Walked Belle,
got for my mum and dad stuffs.

Showered.
Slacked.
Watched Spider-man 2.
Oh, I love spider man. =)

It's just great watching the same movie as you,
it feels just like before.
Nothing much has changed,
just that fate has taken a turn. =)

Ate dinner.
Appetite has been on the low side these days,
probably coz I'm too tired out.
Need my beauty sleep before I look like a ZOMBIE.
LOL.

Waiting for my lil sis to finish her assignment
before continuing our game of monopoly. =)

Now I hope blogger allows me to post my entries.
It's been so long.
If not, I'll kill blogger.
LOL.

* I hope that people around me will have my happiness.