titanic gamble

Someone put it across to me rather bluntly, that I am gambling my future on someone whom I don't know really well. Despite the numerous times I have comforted myself, I still have that lingering doubt that I am simply the protector and nothing else. Would she brave the waves to save me from certain death? I don't think so, for sometimes I feel, that I am simply the jigsaw that she pieces together when she craves for it, and dismantles when things go awry. Towards a better future where I feel less stressed, where I can wake up everyday feeling blessed, and not pray for the day to be better than the previous.

the mirror

I showered, came up to my room and as I turned around, I saw my image in the mirror being split into two due to the cupboard edges. It suddenly dawned on me:

Who is the real me?

A - the person who does not give in to anyone. The person whom I had been for the past 29 years. The person who was steadfast in his principles, who isn't shallow or evil in thoughts.

B - the person who has lost his sanity and treated XXX like a 'real' princess, constantly putting her ahead of himself.

I have sadly become B. I am shallow too, I start to hate people. I start to swear, and I start to become selfish to anyone else except her.

lonely

Is good.

Being alone is good. There is none in the world that you can trust but yourself.

Trusted and got thiefed.

Attempting to trust again but never ever 100%
I want to give it my all but I know it isn't possible.

I treated someone better than how I treated Eus. I feel guilty sometimes for doing the things I have never done for Eus.

That blog serves as a distant memory of the times we spent together.
I will never give it my all ever again. No one else deserves it.

Lake Toya - i can never forget this place

can't write no more

As i grow older, I find that it's getting more and more difficult to pen my thoughts into this blog. A shortage of words to describe my everyday feelings, and a constantly confused mind, stemming from recent events, only makes this worse.

Mandy got a brief respite today, and it was well deserved as I found out today she clocked 2,000++ km within the space of 20 days. That's an average of 100km a day. At this rate, she will be doing 3,000km a month or 36,000km a year.

Clearing up papers and more papers in my room, filing them (just cannot stand the mess) took up almost an entire Sunday.

Pre-tend-ing is an art that few can muster. Sometimes, I find that she is pretending. Sometimes, I find that she is real. It's so difficult for me to trust again.

I do not like reading her blog, but still, I type in her URL despite the unwillingness.

The truth only unfolds when the time has come.

I need to be back at Lake Toya on a one-week vacation by myself...

spooning

so drowsy, eyes closing, imagining the spooning and cuddling.
every time something bad happens, the devils gain their revenge.
but after that, when i think about it, i realize how much i love her.
no matter what happens, to be there for her, and to let her know how important she is.