9922

it's been a long time since i blogged. Usually i just blog in my head. While a long time has passed, today marks our potential 7th anniversary since 9915. It doesn't feel like yesterday anymore, in fact, it feels like it has been a really really long time. During this past 1 year, my life has been pretty uneventful, and it is better this way. I spend more time by myself, and the rest of my time is devoted to my family, even though i'm still a person who doesn't speak much. Covid felt like a thing of the past, travelling has resumed, and i have so far been to Bangkok and i'm trying to think of additional places to travel to. I do wish i could have still travelled with her, just like in the past. I think of europe, japan and all the other places we have been together. The happiest moments of my life.

everyday, somehow or other, i still think of her, and although i can no longer care for her and love her the way i did in the past, i still keep her in my prayers to whoever is up there, and hope that her family and her is well and everything's good and smooth. Some people may call me stupid, but i still love her like the way i did in the past. I live a life of regrets, but i no longer allow the bitterness to sweep inside me. Everyday is a new day, and i just take it as it comes, with no worries or fear.

she doesn't need to know how i feel, and i don't wish to interrupt her life by telling her how i feel, cos i don't think it is fair to her at all. Perhaps she has gotten over it, which is well and good. But poor me, i am not sure when i will get over this. Time has done its part, it has numbed my wounds and healed my heart, but i know i am no longer my former self. In a way, that is better, because i care less about this world now, and I try not to worry about things too much. Just let things evolve naturally and life will whiz by. Everything i hope will be smooth and uneventful. To her, i just want to tell her in silence, that i still love her, and i think about her every night before i go to bed. I don't think she will ever know how much she meant to me

8122

today should have been the day where I could finally call her my wife. I went down to the place just to have a look, and imagining how it would have been if we were inside the restaurant, and going home together after that. The restaurant was empty when i went. It had a signage outside which read "X and Y". Alas, it wasn't my name and her name

it's been a pretty long time since we broke up. It doesn't feel so long, but indeed it's been 5 months or so. I really don't know what she thinks of me now, sometimes I wonder how can a person change from being a loving and caring girlfriend to someone who now treats me as a friend. In this 5 month period, I have been missing her each and every single day, although I try not to think too much about it, but honestly, there are always instances during the day whereby i wished that she was still beside me. Everytime i see something funny or worth talking about, she is still the first one i would want to share the news with. But i have accepted my fate, perhaps it was never meant to be. The strange thing is, even though the internet says anger is part of healing, but i have never felt angry in this entire 5 month period. So i wonder why? It is not because i do not care about the relationship, i think it is because i try to take comfort in respecting her decision and no matter what, i will still want the best for her. If it means that i need to get out of her life, then i have also no choice but to respect her decision. But i still love her and this part of me is something that shall always remain

i'm slowly looking around for a place since we cannot live together. My initial thought is just to rent out a room, and lock up the other room where i can put the big baymax on the bed and decorate the room with some special photos of us. i choose not to do it in my current room because it was never the place that we would be living in. Our abode is gone, but her memory will still stay on with me in another place. i'm not in a hurry to buy a place though, since prices are ridiculously high now. Hopefully i can get a reasonable place in a nice area with good food around. Thought of buying a private condo, but really not of much use to me. Let's see how it goes

8 jan 2022 - a day that stirs up thoughts of 'what it should and could have been'

been some time

it's been a whole 2 months since we broke up, slightly more than 2 months actually. Although i probably have recovered in terms of my sleep pattern, my appetite and general well-being, i will be lying if i say she's not on my mind. Just a few nights ago, i had a dream, a very nice and blissful one whereby me and her spent some wonderful time together. It felt very real, like back to the nice old days. Of course, while i was in it, it did not feel like a dream at all, until i woke up that morning and realized yes, she's gone away.

don't know what's happening, don't know why it's happening, 2 weeks ago i called up her mum to ask how is she and uncle, as i wanted to bring breakfast over. Also don't know why i still wanna do this, but cos she still means a lot to me, and i simply ain't able to forget her or forget the things i used to do for her. Seems like in every one of my serious relationship, i have been the provider. It's probably the way i am wired up and i don't mind doing all these, because simply seeing her smile is enough to brighten my day. Now even if i wish to do these for someone, i have no chance to. Can't see myself putting in the same amount of effort for anyone else except her

also not very sure if she has read or seen the scrapbook i made. I spent a lot of effort and time on it, hope she finds it meaningful. The scrapbook is not meant for her to return back to my side, in case she is mistaken, but just capturing the most beautiful memories i have of our 6 year relationship, the most significant of my life. Wow that feels really long, anyone walking out of a 6 year relationship must be really bruised and battered, just like me, cos i am the sentimental type. Yes, indeed, new people will probably come into my life, but they will just be passing shadows, and i won't be so emotionally attached to avoid being hurt

distribution

a friend shared with me she has been doing food distribution to various HDB blocks on a voluntary basis. Sounds like something i am considering to do when my weekends are free. These 2 weeks i am working from home again, kinda sucky because i am not that disciplined when i work from home compared to office. Part of the reason why i have been going back to office on Sats the past few weeks, not just to do the project which i undertook, but also to update bits and pieces of my resume. I find that it is definitely more compelling and there is this push factor to have it updated when i see the 4 walls of the office compared to the 4 walls of my room

am still in the midst of amending the resume. After that i think i can send it out and attach it with my linkedin profile. No one knows i have been updating my resume and looking out. No rush to find another job, if there is one, i will go for it if the terms are right, if not, i will remain in my current job

6 years

today is the 6th year of our r/s (9921). As much as I would have loved to, I can't celebrate it with her...these 6 years have been so nice with her by my side. Something I would remember and treasure forever

my project is almost almost done, something which i am very happy and proud of, never thought i will be able to manage such a feat

yearning

at times when i work from home and towards the evening when the sky turns dark and everything is silent, i yearn for the days whereby i am able to pick her up from STC, hear her voice and feel her presence as i drive her back to either her place or to the train station.

Usually my car aircon isn't on, and she always tell me why no aircon (kai air con laaa, re si...). Actually i love the way she says it as i think its very cute, part of the reason why i always tend not to have the aircon on when i pick her up in the mornings or evenings, just so that she can tell me that.

I miss her a lot...

Project

So i was on leave last week, it was a welcome mental break which allowed me to gain insight and hopefully some wisdom. Totally stayed off emails and if I had the chance i would have gone into the mountains but there is none in SG, so i ended up semi-levitating in my room doing my project, which i felt was truly theraputic (spelling?) and calming

Surprised that I managed to complete 90% yesterday Sunday 29 Aug. Wasn't an easy project to 'complete'. No prior experience but I managed to pull along and complete my targetted task within the week

It's the start of a new week today, and it was quite difficult to get up as the weather was so good. Life goes on, as difficult as it may seem

One project 'completed', the next one will be even more challenging, one I have put off for past 2-3 years, and that is to get my resume in order, sort everything out. If now is not the time, then there will never be another opportune time to get the resume finally done up and ready. A few people already left the department. I need to be courageous like them, especially if i now have no more 'committments' financially

1 week

I decided to take a one week break next week. Colleagues all asking where am i going, is it related to my house or wedding or go staycation? Kinda don't know what to answer them. Anyway I have decided I am not going to cancel the house until the very last min. I haven't read much on the penalties, but i think they are the same whether you cancel now or you cancel later, as long as it is prior to collection of keys. And i also heard you can delay the collection of keys even when they are ready. How can i just cancel the house like that right? One must always remain hopeful, it wasn't easy for us to get this place. It took us 7-8 tries? So how can i just sui bian cancel just like this. Anyway, i'll bear the brunt of the penalty, i don't intend to ask her to compensate me. If people call me stupid then so be it, it is ok. I'm dumb dumb anyway (except I won't get to hear her call me that already). I told her before, when she is weak i shall be strong and vice versa. So i'm not giving up, but neither will i place any pressure on her. I do and try to believe there is still some light

Moldy

Mouldy

Hi everyone, even though no one reads this blog because no one knows about it. If anyone knows, probably only KY but i don't think she will be reading it, especially not at this stage (i really hope she is coping fine)

Why mouldy? Because I seem to have an affinity with mouldy things, especially bread. I always a bit (in fact very) scared of eating mouldy stuff because doc has warned me before it is very bad for my health. So as much as I can control, i will always eat fresh, and this is true especially for bread which I eat every morning. There had been previous 1-2 cases whereby I found that my breakfast bread had mould. Back then, i was totally angsty and i remembered really having big arguments with my mum. I told her I would buy my own bread from then on, and if she were to buy, i would only eat bread from a known reliable source (in this case I eat Gardenia Wholemeal, the one with green packaging)

So it happened that the past 2 days, my bread felt and tasted different. I knew it wasn't Gardenia, and even though the bread was fresh, my past experience made me confront my mum again yesterday night. I just couldn't understand why she had to buy a different brand when Gardenia at most costs less than a dollar more? Actually, I was ok with eating another brand as long as its fresh, but the thing was that my mum refused to admit she bought another brand even when questioned. This was the sucky part. It was only after probing further that she admitted. I don't understand why she needed to do this. Anyway, she said she will buy Gardenia the next morning (today) since she was going out anyway.

As i have said, many things have happened lately, particularly over the past few days. I did a lot of soul searching and questioning of myself these past few days. And I am eternally grateful to KY for pointing out the issues we had. And indeed, the issue was with me. I finally understand my flaws, the very flaws that contributed to the failure of our r/s. I was determined to change for the better

I teared a little this morning after I did what I did, because I realized all the mannerisms of me probably contributed a lot of hurt to the people around me, people who cared...

I saw the Gardenia loaf on the table. The old me would have taken it for granted, since my mum tops up the groceries every weekend and it was routine to see fresh bread or stuff on the table. But something in me made me message my mum to thank her, and to apologize as well. As I sent out those 2 SMS, tears started streaming down automatically, as I started to think about my past actions...

SMS

Me: Thank you for buying the bread. I put in the fridge already

Me: Sorry if I was harsh yesterday

Mum: Understand you going through this difficult phase. Stay focus and look forward. See you at home this evening

Me: Yes see u

It is important not to take the people around you for granted, especially the people who cared. You will never realize the gravity of the situation until you lose them one day

Despite me always convincing myself that i showed my care and concern in other ways, as I have normally done while not talking much, I think it is important to let them know that I do care, and I am genuinely sorry. Because you won't know if one day u lose this opportunity to tell them this. Words are important, so are actions. And my mindset is also important. It is not about what i do, it is about people's feelings and the appreciation that you show towards them

I realized I took KY for granted, not in a bad way that I don't care, but I think I contributed to the dying out of the r/s. Past the honeymoon phase and into the stability phase, it is important to show the other person you care. Yes, I did show my care through my actions, but the equally important part of being there for her, holding her hands, giving her the hugs and pecks, things I used to do...i failed to do all these, especially in the face of the pandemic whereby we were simply reduced to doing the 'good mornings', the occasional mid-day 'how's your day? busy? eaten lunch?' and the routine 'goodnights'. I think even the strongest r/s will wither if more time isn't spent with your significant other. Say what we want, but it's scientically proven to be true, and it's documented in so many articles. One needs to take positive action, effort is needed. I failed to contribute that effort because she was so familiar to me already

This is an important lesson. When KY says this break will allow us to grow, indeed it is true.

I did something which I would probably not do in the past. This is the time for me to show more love to the people around me, and not a time for wallowing in self-pity. This is the first step towards exiting the negative mindset that has plagued me for the best part of past 1 year. I am doing this for myself, and this is the way that KY would have wanted me to be...

She will always be a part of my life and my memories. I hope fate will have us be together again one day where she can know a grown up and stronger version of myself. If i want her back, it is not out of loneliness or loss, but because I truly believe in her and in us. This is a period of self reflection on things gone wrong, and knowing how to deal and make the best of it

That's why this period of separation is good for me to grow into a better person. Only when I am completely healed and have taken positive actions, then it is a new me. If KY doesn't give me the chance, I will not blame her also. I love her all the same...and I have only positive things to say and remember about her.

6 years on

it still works, i thought maybe blogspot was closed for good. Will try to update here when I can, so many things have happened

LOL

I came across this article after signing out from hotmail:

The 10 types of CMI guys you meet in your 20s:

With every additional year we spend being single, our taste in guys progresses something like this:

Age 16-20: I want to date someone who is popular!

Age 20-28: I want to date someone who is successful!

Age 28 and beyond: I want to date someone who is normal!

And by normal, we mean someone who gets along with people just fine and can hold a job for longer than a year. By age 28 and beyond, you stop looking for a Lee Min Ho-lookalike chaebol and start focusing on the nice, stable guys that you used to friendzone. But as karma would have it, all of those guys are now attached to women who recognised the value of dating a normal nice guy, leaving you with a bunch of weirdos.

Funny article!~~

Perspectives from me:

Age 16-20: I want to date that girl in that blue pinafore

Age 20-28: I want to date that girl I saw last weekend at the club/party

Age 28-34: I want to date someone who shares the same values as me

Age 35-40: I want to date someone who can travel the world with me

Age 41 and beyond: Forget it, I am dating myself

:)

criticality

The deadline for my document was brought forward to Feb 15 instead of Mar 15. I didn't say a word, thought of it as more of a challenge to produce this before 28 Feb 15. I know I can do it, it's only if I'm game enough.

Bring it on.

A female colleague told me to eat in the staff mess today, because she wanted to 'stalk' a guy. It was hilarious as I kept teasing her about it. So apparently, there really is a 'butterflies in your stomach' kind of thing when your crush appears out of nowhere, as evidenced by her exhilaration when she went on and on about what actually transpired between the two of them. Being an octagon, I naturally gossiped along with her, although she still kept me guessing as to who the actual guy was. I told her to be brave and go up to him and speak to him directly, that's the only way to establish some form of contact ya?

OK, bad advice *laughs*, but no harm done la. Casual talk only what.

It's going to be a very busy Jan and Feb. Let's see whether the teller's predictions pan out

closure

The year 2014 has been a mixed bag for me, a roller coaster ride that had its highs and lows. It was a happy me this time last year, settled in almost everything, preparing to get married. Thinking about when to propose, making plans, before everything came to naught. I was also getting used to the volume of work thrown at me. Life seemed so rosy and straightforward then

Fast forward to the end of 2014, thankfully I am still calm and collected, but many things have happened since then. XXX is gone. We broke up after close to 6 months of endless debates and quarrels. In the end, I don't think I blame her, for everything happens for a reason. Maybe it just wasn't fated to be. Anyway, hating is tiring. Am at an age whereby I shouldn't stress myself out too much thinking about has-beens and has-nots.

A year of self-discovery, I found this very interesting article in a website which can be used to describe myself:

I would think that most points below are true, at least for me

1) I am not materialistic, but I have a strong desire to surround myself with quality

2) I want to be noticed but not the center of attraction

3) I care about how I look but I don't like superficiality

4) I come across as moody and cold, but deep down, I am actually sensitive, deep and emotional

5) I am all or nothing, and rarely in between

6) I am understanding, listening and empathetic, yet incredibly stubborn

7) I rebel, but I also want to be accepted

8) I am wonderful and frustrating at the same time

9) I am feminine and masculine at the same time

10) I am a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind

OK, in order of relevance, they will be:

6, 4, 8, 5, 1, 3, 10, 7, 9 and 2

being myself

Today, someone asked how does one know if an opposite party is being himself or herself. This is an interesting question. To me, I try to be myself as best as I can. Usually, it results in 3 scenarios:

1) The opposite party lets his/her guard down and out comes his/her life story

2) The opposite party remains as guarded as ever

3) The opposite party tried to be open, but you can sense that something remains amiss

I have this ability to see through people. Very often, my predictions come true, often only months down the road. Usually their body cues give it all away, their facial expressions, the slightest frown or smile, the authenticity of the handshake, the background, the social upbringing, the situation, the audience. All or a combination of these factors quickly come into play, and I tend to psycho analyze everything and form a picture of the person I'm speaking to.

When I let my guard down and speak freely, I tend to notice that people tend to do the same, but remain shielded in certain aspects. That's perfectly understandable, as trust is only gained over time. With repeated meetings, and asking the correct questions however, it allows me to see more into the person. I'm not sure if this is an ability or something, but I just seem to be able to do it. Of course there are occasions when I was wrong, but these are few and far between.

I felt that I had a big stone lifted off me today. It felt good. To HM, I still think it's a blessing to know you.

Steadfast, dedicated and idealistic, that's 3 words I will use to describe you. Hope to go cycling soon, it will be fun. You bring me back to the days when the world seems like a better place.

2812

Exactly 8 years ago, I was by your bedside that early morning. Your breathing slowed, I called the nurse and asked, "Is it time?"

She answered "Yes, please call your family. Do you want me to revive him if required?"

No, please don't. It is OK. Let him go.

It was very cold that whole night. Shivering, my voice was weak. You passed before they had the chance to say their final goodbyes.

I had tears in my eyes, they welled up a little. It wasn't until the morning after, that I totally broke down and reality sank in, that you will not be there anymore. I will be coming home to an empty house

I picked up your favorite and personal bowl from the dish-rack. It seemed like only yesterday that you were using it. I didn't imagine that your last step out of the house was in fact, really the last.

I wish that you were still around, knocking on my door late at night and asking me why am i still not asleep when it's already so late.

I was just 24 back then. Time flies...

the reason i jump

OK, i promised that I will write a review of this book. It took me about 5 hours to complete the book in its entirety. Somehow, several points had me stop and ponder. It was almost as if I could relate to what Naoki is saying.

His statement in the preface sums it all:

'Once you know the other person's inner self, both of you can be that much closer'

This book has offered me an intimate insight into the lives and thoughts of people suffering from autism. Correction - are they suffering? To me, it seems like we are the ones suffering from normalcy. Our actions and mannerisms towards people with autism are in fact the very reason why we can make them feel so worthless.

Contrary to what most people think, people with autism are actually aware of their surroundings. However, having limited to no control over their actions means that they will always be judged based on our perception of what's normal and what's abnormal.

A compelling and incredible read, I feel humbled by Naoki's first hand account of why people with autism behave in a special way. It made me appreciate the essence of life, how lucky we are and the very fact that I can be here at my desk gathering my thoughts in a collective manner to post this review.

All through my life, the source of my perception of people with autism had come from pretension and whatever I had chanced upon online. If we think that we understand, we probably don't, not until we have had the chance to at least read the book and examine the little details. There were several keywords which I had scribbled and highlighted. Like a tape-loop, they kept replaying in my head.

In no particular order, I can somehow relate to the 16 points below:

1) i am aware (that my predicament or condition does bother other people)

2) do not let me be the source of your stress, because it will make me feel worse

3) there is a gap (between what I am thinking and what I am saying)

4) i CANNOT express my feeling, but i feel the SAME as everyone else

5) i feel the impulse to run off to anything remotely interesting

6) i feel desperately lonely, especially after hearing someone say that I prefer to be on my own

7) seeing something beautiful makes me smile from the inside

8) i have difficulty connecting mental thoughts to bodily actions

9) my memories are all over the place, and never in a straight line

10) to do anything, i need to think, then visualize before finally encouraging myself to do it

11) i feel miserable when you give up on me. Please exercise some patience

12) sometimes i feel like i want to have wings and fly away

13) i like repetition. Unchanging things are comforting, seeing a spinning object is blissful

14) i just need more time

15) whatever that i cannot feel makes me all nervous

16) i am constantly struggling inside my own body

I am glad that I had the chance to thoroughly examine this book. It simply feels like it's a book that I was meant to read at some point in my life. The internal struggles of a boy with autism is a stoic story of someone braving the odds and stepping forward to tell the world that there is a place for everyone and a reason for everything.

I will just say that it is an incredibly humbling experience.

gratitude

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you don't have, for what you have is desired by many around the world who don't have. = GRATEFUL

creep

Everyday, I could feel the number of archived and unread emails grow, at the rate of about 25 a day. This is called the email creep, it's like this jelly-like feeling slowing enveloping you, nasty!!

titanic gamble

Someone put it across to me rather bluntly, that I am gambling my future on someone whom I don't know really well. Despite the numerous times I have comforted myself, I still have that lingering doubt that I am simply the protector and nothing else. Would she brave the waves to save me from certain death? I don't think so, for sometimes I feel, that I am simply the jigsaw that she pieces together when she craves for it, and dismantles when things go awry. Towards a better future where I feel less stressed, where I can wake up everyday feeling blessed, and not pray for the day to be better than the previous.

the mirror

I showered, came up to my room and as I turned around, I saw my image in the mirror being split into two due to the cupboard edges. It suddenly dawned on me:

Who is the real me?

A - the person who does not give in to anyone. The person whom I had been for the past 29 years. The person who was steadfast in his principles, who isn't shallow or evil in thoughts.

B - the person who has lost his sanity and treated XXX like a 'real' princess, constantly putting her ahead of himself.

I have sadly become B. I am shallow too, I start to hate people. I start to swear, and I start to become selfish to anyone else except her.