when i mean what i say:

it doesn't push me further. so is it good for me?

it is not eating me up and over. so it's bearable?

it has goodness in all it's labour. does that make it worthwhile?

I hate to wail and feel like a loser who want to give up. but I truly can't see the light and worry I'll flag myself over the frustrations I'm accumulating inside. 

if only I can take a peek at the hidden light. 

forgive me.

*

Then after, H and I heading to HK for our lil break (More of my break from M* and before the new adventure) This break was also to say hello to H's Relatives and a peek to what H's childhood was like :) I truly had a really special time and experience not a tourist would have experienced. 

Unfortunately, on the 3rd day of the trip i received a call from Home (Actually a missed call from my other cousin). My Cousin Eugene had a blood vessel burst and fainted. He was actually in critical condition and we were all asked to visit him.. (I was away and all i could do was to pray and receive news from home.)

He went home to be with the Lord after a 48 Hour battle in coma. It was really a heartache to many. Till today, all of us are still in disbelief that he has left us and his family of 2 little ones. Everyone was helping out at the wake, the evening i landed, i head down. It was really tough for the family. Everyone have been trying to keep My Uncle and Aunty company, we had many meal plans, visits and constant messages. There was so much love.. I really could relate to my cousin who lost her brother, her every tear shook me... My dajie picked her up with big hug when all of us broke down saying our goodbyes, she called out to her big brother and my Dajie assured her she has all of us. She lost her only big brother. We all lost a love one. But my Cousin Eugene was someone we are all proud of, i met so many of his friends he met through his life. They shared so many good things of him. The Eulogies at his wake was filled with Laughter and Tears.

That evening, i learnt another lesson. I even went to a wedding after his wake, not because i have dried my tears, but i knew i had to keep loving the living.  (I think i cried so hard i felt this sore in my eyes and pain in my head. I wondered how i made it through the evening)

Now we gotta love more. For him.





















-

Another new beginning started on 02 June (OK out of May)
I started a new Job and 1 week has passed.
I'd say it has been fruitful as well.





















































-

XX

and to end it, we will be saying our goodbyes to our dear cousin who have gone home to be with The Lord on Tuesday. 

- all came to sudden, and I was away during his 48 hour battle. I can never have imagined what happened.. 

- today was the last day of his wake.

I am truly amazed and inspired by the people that came to pay their respects to him. I met and spoke to few who met him through various ways. At 40, he definitely lived a life that is inspiring to many others. People from everywhere came.. primary school mates, army camp mates,  co-workers from all over the world (towing their baggage), friends and colleagues. I really felt the love from everyone despite this sad occasion. It was Truly encouraging to see people making the efforts and wanting to pay their respects.

Even the rain did not stop them.

In particular, I spoke to this guy who only knew him for a year odd at camp (his final session). He spoke of things about him and kept saying how amazing a person he is even thou they only met and is friends for such a short period. I never felt this much humanity and love from so many strangers before... but they all came for the love of my cousin and they spoke to me like I am a friend to them as well.. 

I still cannot believe he has left us.  

This growing up lesson is getting harder each time. 

-

jumping forward and backwards in time for thoughts and plans - how far we've come! 

but I'm embracing this period and trying to enjoy every moment of it. It's scary that I'm excited but trying to tame it, afraid yet pacing it.. 

thankful for kind words and encouragements nearby.

therefore, tonight's bed time reads.. 

I was being surprised by my family and the-boyfriend with a proposal. 

"Huh, it's only one month?" As he jokingly text me this morning.

It has been a short but life changing time since. So last month, I said Yes! (or actually "OK")

I'm not sure if everyone has a dream proposal or an imaginary one.. I have to admit, I've dreamt about it several times before. But it always end in some weird situation and I wake up. But every dream usually has my family (at least 1 of them) in it...probably that's why I once shared that I'd love to be proposed in the presence of the important people in my life.. 

This lucky fella grabbed the opportunity during our first trip out as a family (him as the only guest). I never would have guessed a less-romantic guy like him would make such a bold and detail planning. Thanks to my spontaneous family, they agreed to what he planned and played "props"! The tough part was to hide and pretend to me for at least 2 months. (yep, it was planned that early before) Stories of other ideas that was for other occasions made me smile and felt really special too.

The day came very normal! I was excited and nervous (and exhausted from work) as it was a first traveling trip, I did worry about preferences or unhappy situations. but everything was pretty good I'd say. That morning's breakfast ended with dad saying.. "you really need to be patient with her.. very mafan ah she.." (I was alil fussy eating) HAHA. I never knew that sentence meant more than it sounded till later the day.

So we arrived at the Hotel at Genting. H was worried I'll see the cupcakes and props (among the luggages) and the bouquet at the lobby, he convinced me to have a stroll with him at the cool air outside of the lobby (as he needed to let-go-of-gas!) which I believed! Thou I did feel alil weird that my sisters gathered at the lobby and kept staring over at me standing by the area outside the hotel..

<cut short>

Was asked to go over to mom's room for a group photo and I was greeted by her in a pink tee-shirt (seeing a lot of pink tee shirt ppl at the back ground) My first reaction was to turn n flee! He was right behind me, fiddling with his hp and playing some music! (that's for the ambience btw) HAHAHA. they managed to drag me in as I kept going OMGNESS and laughing in nervous-ness at the sight of everyone and everything (ESP mom in a pink tee shirt)..  Most of it was "I'm not dressed! All of you bluff me!!!"

He then went down on 1 knee (skipped the bouquet and cupcakes and some furry decor which I was trying to concentrate to see) .. and said " Auntie, will you Marry me?" (Embarrassed moment and messy moment of ring on cupcake and flower don't know hold where! and I don't know how to relpy! I asked "So what to say???" )

He laughed and said " It's my first time doing this too! " Then I showed a 👌 and he put the ring into my finger (more messy and funny moments) followed by a big hug and kiss. (first time smooching Infront of my family, I think I almost died)

<other funny stuff> My other words were "Did you ask for permission?" / "Are they paid to be your carelefare?".. my family answered in a noisy and grumpy manner to calm this nervous me.. it was hilarious. 

I think I had a million butterflies in your tummy.. n my armpits sure did sweat.

But I was truly touched and very happy.

I think fuzzy feeling and surreal mood lasted for at least a week and thinking back now still makes me smile. 

Yes, I am officially engaged. 

__

Before the proposal

The proposal..

Mom asked if the Pamelo was sweet. 

I told her it wasn't, but I like it still. (Apparently my Dajie loves it sour!)

I can't be sure about life being less sweet is what I prefer, but I guess I've learnt to appreciate the variations of life in sweetness. 

I was almost in tears reading a text from a dear one expressing her joy singing a song to her child. And when I witness the little one swaying to her voice with that little 2 front teeth, It's like a molten lava cake that makes me go 'mmmmmm' so good you just smile for the longest standing second and it runs right into you. ok, that was definitely way much happier then eating cake. I was truly touched and felt very happy for her.

When I see that what Uncle H's post-it(s) have done to the Pando** catalogue.. it made me laugh and felt eating a super cold ice cream! Just like how much I love salted caremal ice cream. 'Nommmmnommm' it's so good you just wanna keep eating. it's not overly sweet after 1 scoop but it's has it's own sweetness that warms up to you and you wonder why the salty-sweetness is this yummy! Ok, it was sweeter than icecream because of the thoughts and efforts all over.

My tears really fought with the ache and tiredness of looking for a next-job. As much as I can say I'm trying and I won't be giving up, the first experience with expectation really disappointed me. It's like Swollowing bitter-tea which I know it's good for me. I would hold my breath and swollow it portion by portion.. each time I have to take bigger breaths and at the end if it, I still get to taste the after bitterness but yet it (will) still feels good to finish the drink knowing it is good for me. Oh well, it's like how tough this phase is but I know it will be good at the end!

ok. too much yakking.

:) 

February, don't leave so soon!

2014

Enjoying the new year with excitement that came with anxiety. I would sum the past month (week) as a worrying chapter.

I know I shouldn't be this worried or feeling disappointed with things that's beyond my control. I should have learned my share of this growing up since forever.

I finally convinced myself at a 930pm coffee session last evening after heading out of the toilet; '... Let's just forget about seeking comfort from contingency plans and what could be done..' I told H, that I'm done and I'd like to head off. Yes, it was late at night and I asked to head out from home after dinner for coffee (no less) call me a baby. I have truly been a (cry) baby all week long. 

The night before the interview; I opened  the bible and it flipped to the book of Mark. 

Now that I think back, God did remind me that He will prepare my way, and i shall not worry! But I did. And by doing so I'm not preparing the way for his plans for me. Silly if you need to call me. I probably just wasted a mug of tears and a whole lot of energy (grumps) for the past few days. 

My first lesson this 2014, is to embrace what life is giving me. Be it shit or surprises, I'm to embrace it. 

I truly feel alive again. Amen.

(Now I need another cup of coffee)

It's been a blessed and fulfilling year.

looking back, it's probably a year I travelled most. (London, Paris, Taiwan, Tokyo, Melbourne, Krabi, Phuket, Batam and lots of Malaysia!) I've been really blessed. Because I've experienced the most of what I could, be it for work or leisure. I am thankful.

To mentioned a few, it's also a year I attended the most weddings, getogether and meetings; My buddy had her first child, my sister wed, a close one got married and got a new home (actually many did), I traveled with a close darling and blossomed our friendship, meet up with my old boy buds and partners after a very long time, I attended a heartache wedding, I renewed many friendships, lost some and I found Love. 

It's been a huge year for me.

drama-chasing can be bad for health.

speaking of health, I've been feeling under the weather for the longest time, oh don't tell me it's ms-old-age catching up >.<

It's December again,

a month of mixed feelings.

Love it. dislike it much. but I choose  learning to love it over the hussle and bustle.

This December is slight different,

besides ending a year, doing the usual reflects and forward thoughts of the new year. I've got a little count-down in my heart. A growing-up decision was committed for a wish that will only be revealed in 2 months. It's now safe in God's hands I'd say and the counter have not stop reminding me how much I've step into adulthood. 

The prayer will always be God's plan it shall be. 

New beginnings are often sought after, but I hoped for a paced one over excitement now.

Hello December, please be slow and happy.

Still nursing a cold as I write this, I was fighting a cold and food poisoning being on a date trip with H. 

We landed in a most foresty" resort which I thought I'd like but apparently I didn't. the roaming hopping frogs at the lobby,  gigantic lizards at the door, crickets and invincible animals by the milk bath spa window was cute, but the wet walk and least luxurious floorings and hard bed and the sort-of tree top room/unit we got was not the best when one's fighting a cold. Well, call me a city kid now. 

H did a lovely job of painting a gd picture and checked if we could change a room/ hotel even. Yes it's all like pacifying a sick lil girl. (when I booked this resort and didn't like it) but soon we (I) slowly got used to nature and slumbered our way through. 

The weather didn't favor us, it rained everyday. No sun no straw hats or sunnies used. Rare moments of no rain was appreciated but we made the best what we had, rain or shine. I guess my buddy travel mate turned partner now never change abit and overall, I felt more then comfy even being sick during the trip knowing he is right by my side.

We learnt that this is life being 2, rain or shine. Everyone takes a role, plays a part each time. We take turns; the clown, the kid, the hero or the fan.

6 months isn't a long time, but it feels longer and I'm not complaining. We are still learning and managing this relationship together. Counting our blessings and appreciating what life has given us.

Always choose to love.

Amen.

I truly can't decide if i love you or dislike you.

You make me so busy and pushes me to realize that the year is ending. I know, when I see you, the finishing line is near.

I cannot believe you are here already, November...

-

我其实是累了、还是中心移动了？

你真的不停的让我好生气、好疲倦。

你不是我生命的一切、但又霸占了大部分的我。 精神、时间、计划。

还是我根本就是懒惰了！ 哈哈哈。

FEAR = false evidence appearing real

FAITH = full assurance in the heart.

caught a short part of Nick V.'s talk on ch5 and this 2 words just got into me.

-

Lately, there's been a number of drama episodes nearby. It's eating me up somehow and my care-less attitude does not make me feel any better. <ok this make me sound kpo> 

To care or ignore?

I'm already very tired n worn out myself, I don't have capacity for them. 

Sound selfish? ouch.

Sometimes I truly wished they could be more sensible and mature. Things could be in better form and life could be of better quality. but I know I shouldn't be asking for more.

I too had my fair share of this journey, now blessed to be out of the ends and at midway, I know it doesn't come easy.  I've never stopped learning and keeping it afloat everyday.

FEAR was overcomed, FAITH was committed. 

*

Such a beautiful movie.

If there are second chances, how would you live differently? 

:) So take life as there are no second chances and relish your days like there is no tomorrow. 

We often get caught with emotions and at the moment tensions, we missed the beautiful of each occasion and moment at that instance. 

Life is beautiful, in every way.

Love is beautiful, in any form.

; This song from the movie makes me smile.. :)

And to sum it all up, I enjoyed a movie date with a close one. thou sniffing away, I'm so happy she asked me to watch it with her. Friends are the best ya.

off to Relish my weekend with the family... (oh I love the word Relish)

:P

things that can express alot and makes you smile alot..

It's amazing how much I still enjoy doing such, Ang I truly hope to be able to whip up a meal for my friends and sit over the meal with long chats and drinks!

that sounds Soo goooood. 

oh biological clock.

I am definitely grateful and happy with what life has been, lately there has been so many new steps made, big and small.

I  wish to remember this instance, the feeling of floating in the sky yet overseeing the world.

I guess it is somehow like being on a hot-air balloon, you are enjoying the view but you are missing what's beneath, and you wished you can bring the world to 'float' in the sky with you this instance. 

but I know, it'll soon reach the point when I feel the joy as I float and this time I'll be on ground, where there's a rainbow above us.. family, friends, kids, dogs, food, beer and wine.. at a backyard kind of thing, on a laid back evening.. I still believe it'll happen. I'm really looking forward for it..

lets don't stop growing up and reaching that point of joy that's grounded.

:)

I wish I'm not like that. but I know some of my choices and actions may have been led by it.

is it this human world. or is it just the sensitive me.

it's one that can make u feel fuzzy and happy in the most subtle way.

I had a buddy-good time.. it was perfect...

I'm all grateful.