22.01.13
a meaningless day


the reason why im back again?
cause im feeling utterly awful and i need to rant it out.

it sucks why i cant enjoy cny reunion dinner like how i did when i was young, or rather 2 years ago.eating such dinner with ppl i dont really know or normally interact with,i just feel super out of place.i dont belong to this family at all.but im still obliged to have gatherings like a family with them.i'd rather be back in malaysia where i would be so much comfortable hanging ard with my real own family members.being stucked in the house here sucks.its just the wrong fucking company for me.

yes its suppose to be the 4th year anniversary for us as well.sucks huh to fall on the same day with cny eve.even if they dont clash, there's no guarantee he can celebrate this by right 'special day' with me too anyway since he's so fucking busy with idk wat bullshit. i know i said im fine,but hello?do you really think im fine when the fact that i dont enjoy my reunion with my so called 'family members' too?
okay this comes back to the topic whether i shud voice out my unhappiness and stuff anot. you said i should so as not to create any misunderstandings in the future ( since we've quarrelled over this issue and you insist that next time i unhappy or anything, just say)
then last night i did as you told, you told me i was making a big fuss. WTF?
so what?am i suppose to fucking SAY OR NOT.
honestly, the celebration last night was crap.

i know i shouldnt expect you to come look for me even for a few hours.its ur family day and ya ya u need to accompany ur mum since she hasnt seen you for so many days. but wtf?whenever you are at home you choose to go out with ur frds.then when ure with me you complain you hvnt been spending time with ur mum so i must be understanding enuff to let you go home early to pei her?

what about me?when was the last time i've had you for the whole day.MONTHS.till i cant recall too.
the last time when we had an agreement to just have a 1-on-1 day.you ended up meeting other ppl as well.

i just wanted a day a simple day at ur house or my house, just the two of us.sitting down on the sofa watching tv and you cooking lunch for me.why is it so fucking difficult?

we used to meet every other days.now we meet at most twice a week for less than half a day.
you said you had been trying very hard to find time to meet me.then why did you choose to stay in hall to play mj instead of coming out to meet me. you said you din want to waste money.so losing over 60 bucks over mj is not wasting money?
sorry, im not seeing any efforts put in at all.

so now im feeling very shitty and unfair.
AND I CANT FUCKING TELL YOU CAUSE YOU WILL SAY I WILL FUCKING SPOIL UR MOOD AND I'M NOT BEING UNDERSTANDING AT ALL AND I WILL BE ACCUSED OF BEING JELAOUS WHEN YOU SPENT TIME WITH UR FAMILY.
but still ive to reply normally and cheerfully to ur very long replies.

i need to talk to someone.
but i dont want to spoil my frds' moods as well.
i wish i could have eaten reunion dinner with the ppl that i want.and i know how i will want it to be a joyous affair w/out ur emo frd spoiling ur mood.

i want to talk to that someone.
but i cant cause im not supposed to.

fml


hate changes like these.
hate insecurities.


so this is the real you?
to be honest i was quite startled.
okay, i just din expect it.

but anyway, i joined in too.

changes are inevitable i guess
but im still the same old me, just that ive aged(haha)
be old enough to do things i want, but old enough to have self control.
i din do it out of fun, i just thought i needed it.








fuck you very much.

i typed out a whole chunk for the reason why im saying this.
but to think that she might see it, i got abit ham ji.haha!

but yeah.this bitch aka my bf's buddy(WTF?!), we were friends before?

fuck you for flirting with my bf.

-roll eyes.

and ya, its not like i dont trust him.
but i simply dont like and not comfortable with the idea of him going out with a girl/ girls only.

i mean yes i do go out with my guy frds also,
but i dont fucking flirt with them.
so its a completely different issue.

OMG.
today was really a fuck day.
i felt like my mind was going to split.

damn happy cause we finally get to see each other.and he was really sweet today
BUT
i just got so mad and sad over those issues.

yes ive talked to him abt it and he has explained.
and ya i was claimed to be 'thinking too much'
but aiyar do you just freaking understand what is meant by DONT LIKE.
dont like dont like dont like dont like!

):
HMPH


you knw i needed those words of assurance
you dont say them so i asked
i always do, perhaps a lil way too many times but i really needed those
i need to knw ure feeling the same way as i do

my emotions today are just like roller coaster going up and down and up and down again
sucks
one time im feeling really really happy and (: big time
then hours later the opposite
now im feeling the latter when just an hour ago i was grinning from ear to ear

but you know right?then why like that?

i hate to end calls like that.ARGH seriously

are you freaking feeling the same way?

wish i could just fuck these qns in my mind and go to sleep but i just cant!

hell yeah, loads of hell drillings and hammering are going to wake me up from my sleep tmr morning AGAIN.