don't feel like going school tomorrow. its the last week of school. i can't wait to get out of MI. nobody bothers whether you actually go school or go for lessons anot. its like super slack la. and i don't get whats the point of even going anymore. but then again, i feel kinda bad for ponning school. coz when i pon school, my parents don't know. i don't tell them. so i guess its like playing truant. sigh. and i've been telling my friends to pon lessons, coz its useless. asking them to pon with me and my whole class ends up poning as well. sigh. what happened to being different? what happened to doing the right stuff? instead, i'm the one asking people to do the bad stuff with me. gah.

got one day, my mum woke me up to go school, before she left for work. then i woke up, then lied back down again. then i overheard her saying that i would wake up and go school one. but i ended up sleeping and not going school. sigh. i feel really really bad. liike she places so much trust in me and yet i abuse it. and and.. i don't know what else to say already. but going to school sucks man.

dont wanna go school. if i dont go i think i'll probably go running..the route that my dad and i ran once. the hillview and railmall area. its super long la. i still think its more productive than going to school.

each time yr talk about ___, i really wonder why i even got into that and ended up getting hurt. why? if only it all didnt happen.
last sunday william said something that struck me. 'why do you girls like guys who are bad?' seriously. why? and nothing good will come out of it.

played captains ball after yc today. heh.
rotted at home yesterday. hahaha.
friday after school went beatrice house. vivian and i helped beat pack her room. coz she's shifting house. actually, shifted on sat already
thurs went church to meet eddie. taught me drums((:



jesus fill me up will you. melt my heart again

just watched naruto.(: haha. weixin's influence. heh.

today was such a slack day in school. or rather coz i never really go for lesson. heh. after school may, beat, adele and i went barker, with the rest of the barker guys. think there were 10, if not more of them. kheng liang, timothy, husvind, hashir, glen, darren, jeremy, oliver, ervin, sherman,..and got somemore la i think. kheng liang was nice to wait for us, even though the rest went first(: the guys played soccer, then the rest of us played with the tennis ball. haha. then apparently we were not allowed to us the soccer court, so we went to CCAB. cool place. played soccer with the guys. not really la. cannot play with them. they too fast and too pro already. then after that we played bball. then beat, may, khengliang and i left at around 6 plus. heh
barker brings back memories. nice ones, and not so nice ones. ohwell.

yesterday didnt go school. actually woke up at 6.45. then coz its still early, so i told myself, if i sleep and wake up again, then i would go school. if not, then i'll be late, so too bad. yea. ended up sleeping untill around 10 like that. felt quite bad, coz i told myself not to pon school. but then i was thinking, if i go school, and if i pon lesson, then whats the point. aiya, ohwells. ohyes, beat, i'm sorry for yesterday coz i let you wait for me in the morning and i didnt come. heard mum in the morning saying that she knows that i will wake up in time to go school one. sigh. i've been ponning school like nobody's business and my parents don't know and they still have so much trust in me. argh. i feel really really bad. can you imagine if they found out.
so i decided to catch up on my work while at home. did quite alot of math and revised my chem. guai right(: i think ah, stay at home more productive than going to school siah.

monday after school met jas sia at lido. ate abit, then lynn came. haha. lynn super funny la. she walked passed us without even noticing and we were sitting right at the entrance. heh. cute la you. then we went to visit jeremy at wheelock place, where he's working. heh. the laptops there are super cool la. if i have their program i think do'nt need games on my com le. hhaha. then we went to watch i not stupid too. show was ok la. heh. then we went for dinner at wisma. saw vivian there. heh. man, i miss mg. hhaha. then reached home around ten plus eleven like that.

ohya, when we were at barker we heard somebody in their school chinese orchestra playing the sua na. super loud la. haha. kevin, you play that instrument isit? can't remember(: hahha.

dont feel like going school tomorrow. but i know i have to. ohwells. today during service God was telling me to change my attitude. be it towards school, friends, family. its gonna be hard to change my attitude about school. i've been feeling guilty for ponning school and ponning lessons. daddy, change me will you. change my heart.

before service talked to william abit. told him some personal stuff. yea. thankew(: i'm getting over it and yea. don't think anybody knows about it except aunty licheng.

seeing leemey like that reminded me abit of my past. hey, i dont know what to say to comfort you or anything. but i wish i could be there for you. i know it hurts so badly. i know. it'll take time to heal. he's not worth it yea. i'll be here if you need me. i love you so very much, best friend.
sigh. guys are such confusing creatures.
relationships relationships.

i guess its part of life that we all have to go through. it hurts. i know.

anyway, after service we had teens meeting. kinda cool. its called the fellowship of the teens or smth like that la(: talked about our values, about values as a leader and stuff. cool stuff(: i'm excited for teens cell. really excited. reminds me abit of jyc. haha. meeting ended at around 7.30 like that. supposed to play captains ball, but didnt. then we went to raffles city, da bao food, then went to the war memorial park to eat. haha. yea man.

william asked me to go back to jyc. yea, i think i would. heh. seriously, it feels great to be involved in church stuff again.

parents said they don't think i would get into cjc. haiya, i'm kinda scared already. i duno. seriously, i starting to wonder if i've made the right decision. part of me wants to trust that God has the best for me, coz he knows my future, but part of me is still uncertain, still afraid. feel kinda sad also, coz it seems like my parents are unsupportive of me going to cj..or any jc. i duno la. sometimes they say i should have gone poly, but sometimes they say jc is better. argh. don't know what they want. i'm scared. like my future is so uncertain.

jesus would you please melt my cold cold heart again. i want to feel your love again. breathe on me
don't know whats wrong, but somehow, i cannot seem to worship. i duno whats stopping me. i want to be free, free to worship. its like i'm there during worship, but but i'm not. those words don't mean anything to me anymore. its just words. jesus fill me again.

only went school for lessons once this week. fri. heh. and it was such a slack day. adele and i ponned econs lecture. then during GP, i was sleeping and writing jo's letter. heh. then didnt go for anymore of my lessons after that. don't know what happened. hopefully ms watee doesnt come after me. heh. coz i went with beatrice and weixin for their class. waha. didnt go on thurs. didnt feel like going. parents don't know. but aiya. thurs went school to pass bball to weixin they all. then we played bball and soccer. sprained my ankle though. but its ok la. not as bad as the last time. heh.

gah. i'm such a ponner. i dont want to, but but but..aiya.

went fun o rama. met kevin, then we went together. met bianca and nathan there then keith they all came. then we walked around, eat, talk. heh. its great seeing MG people again. heh. i miss them so much la!(: ahh. heh. went back with kevin, timmi k, my bro.

relationships relationships. i don't wanna type stuff about it here.
oh boy. stuffs are getting complicated. sigh.

cell was on relationships. really great. i mean, how often do we talk about these kinda stuff. heh.
do you or do you not?

finally did QT. after after super duper long. yea. thankew kevin(:
DADDY, would you breathe your breath of life on me again. melt my heart with your love once again.

eddie wants to teach me drums(: yayyay! heh. super cool la.

oh man. finally made my choice. finally can sleep. couldnt sleep the past few nights ever since results got released.
1. cjc science
2. cjc arts
3. jjc science
4. jjc arts
5. pjc science
6. pjc arts
7. sp games design
8. np multimedia and animation
9. sp biomed
10. np biomed
11. np biotech
12. sp biotech

each time people asked me what i got and where i was going to go, i didnt know how to answer. i won't say i'm happy about my results. infact, i guess i was disappointed. as in i sort of knew i was going to get fifteen coz this figure came to me before, but i expected 12. seriously, part of me wanted to blame God. its like i studied. i really did. and i guess i could say i don't think i've studied that hard before. and i really don't get why i didnt get what i expected. i felt hurt too. like how come God didnt give me what i wanted. how come others who studied as hard as me or who didnt study as hard did better than me. i really didnt get it. and i felt really hurt. it still hurts now when i think about it. i really don't get it la. maybe i'm not as smart as them. but its so unfair. and i'm really wondering why. and sometimes i dunno how i'm supposed to trust God already.

william was asking me before service started. he asked me the reason why i drifted away from God. i guess part of it is because i felt really hurt. like how come God didnt fulfill what i wanted for my o's. even for prelims too. and how come i got posted into MI instead of a JC coz i could qualify. and MI days wasnt nice. and somehow, i wondered why he didnt give me what i wanted, and made me go through all that. why did i have to go to MI, where it sucks. and coz of that, i began to lose hope in God. and i dont really want to draw back near to God, coz i'm afraid it would hurt.
and there are so many unanswered questions i have. and i dunno. i guess its not only about my studies. questions about myself, about my family, about relationships, about friendships...about so many things. i dont get why these kind of things happen.
and i guess sometimes i duno why i just dont feel like going to church. its like aiya, dont feel like going then dont go lor. whats the point. go also go for what. no use what. attitude i guess.

but part of me wants to go back to God, but then i'm afraid.
i thought i could live life without GOd and go my own way. but i can't. and i want to go back. but but i dont know. i don't know whats holding me back. i want, yet i dont.

just now was asking myself, where do i really want to go. jc or poly. and seriously, i didnt know. all i wanted was to be back in mgs again. and at that moment, i wished time would freeze coz then i wouldnt have to make my decision as to where to go. its like mgs is my home, our home. ohwells. wanted to put ac as first choice, but i'm afraid i wouldnt make it so decided to play safe and put cj. aiya, anyways, its a really big big load off my back.

the cny concert at indoor stadium was great. heh.
zhi yao you ni!! ((: hhehe. i want photos! we all had a great time slapping, praying, worshiping and learning. heh.

no school 2mr, tues and wed. teehee.

had a good time with my family and all. but at the same time, cny wasnt all that good.

the past kept coming back. seeing my brother and dad holding hands together, seeing my mum and sis holding hands too. and left myself, standing at the back, afraid of walking close to them, purposly keeping a distance away from them. i thought all those feelings were gone. but when i see it happening again, it hurts and it makes me want to stay away from them. makes me feel so insignificant, so small. like i 'm not part of them. and i thought i was over that stage already and i thought i would never see it happening again.

mum also kept saying that i'm fat. don't know if she's joking or what, but it hurts. i duno. it makes me not want to wear that kind of top and the skirt anymore. sigh. i should just stick to wearing shirt and berms or jeans. i felt so imperfect, so..ugly..i duno. 2nd day wore tshirt and jeans. then family complained that i wear too boyish. sigh. whatever i wear is not nice. then what do you want me to wear then? and at that time, it really hurts. coz like nothing i do and wear seemed to please them.

but i guess, on the whole, it was ok la. had lots of fun with my cousins. playing cards, using money, eating, running around, playing xbox, and lo hei (or what ever you call that). and it was a good break from school too.

school's ok la. still trying to fit into my class. and sometimes it sucks to sit alone at the back of the class, but its ok. only sometimes la. its like i'm part of them, and i'm not. sometimes they would ask me along, but sometimes not. i duno also. but i guess its ok la. i cannot really be bothered with them. it suxs to be alone, but its getting better from when school first started.

didnt go school on tues. parents didnt know i didnt go school. today didnt go school also. i'm feeling kinda guilty for ponning school and ponning lessons. been ponning lessons as well. aiya, i duno la. just don't feel like going. my class people keep on asking me to pon and i always end up ponning. i know its wrong. but but its hard to say that you don't want to pon coz i really want to. i know its wrong, but why do i always end up doing it?

been doing things after school. play bball, soccer, badminton, going kaiyi's house, gym. haha. that day went ngee ann open house. beat, may, chloe,xwx, jeremy, jackson. fun fun. played bball with some girls and guys at my house down there.

didnt go for service on sunday. met lionel for lunch at ps. then played arcade untill 1.45. then he asked me whether i wana go church. i said no. i don't know why also. just didnt feel like doing. so we ended up watching cheaper by the dozen two. sigh. i feel bad for not going and spending supposedly service time watching movie. and for dragging lionel down with me. i feel so away from church, from God. it feels like its been a long time since i had worship and touched my bible. gah.

results out tomorrow. i'm scared. part of me wants it out and get over with it, but part of me don't want it. seriously, i don't know what to expect already. its like like that lorh. what can i do right. and i don't know where to go. if i can make it into ac should i go ac? what about sa then. if both cannot then where should i go? poly? what course? sp games design? np multimedia and annimation? aiya, the reason why i don't want to go poly is because i'm afraid i take the wrong choice and afraid that i'm not up to it.sigh. i duno. i'm afraid of asking God coz i'm afraid the choice that he wants is the route that i do not want to take. sigh. just thinking of results is making me have butterflies in my stomach. how how. where to go?

more slapping tonight. heh heh