chinese chinese chinese chinese chinese.

oliver...what have you done?

dont' feel like studying anymore.

suddenly, it all seems so close. 2days away. and i'm not even prepared.

wo bu yao xue hua wen le...

scared. uncertainty...

sigh. don't feel like going church 2mr..duno why..

i know i should be studying now..byebye

what the heck is the point of me studying when i'm not even right with God?

somehow, there's this emptiness deep inside. and as much as i try to fill it up and occupy myself with studying and with having fun with my friends, its still so empty.

been running away from God since i duno when..really running away. so many stuff happened and i duno how to face God.
been doing stupid stuff..and basically, stuff that are not right..i cannot face him anymore..



i'm sorry for the so many things i've done wrong. i've caused you to be sad. i know i shouldn't have done all of that. things like ponning piano lessons so many many times, hurting myself time and time again, let you down again, not listening to you, not spending time with you. im so unworthy to be you child. so unworthy to go back to you. so unworthy to face you again. i don't know if things will ever be the same. don't know if you'll accept me again.

i want back that intimacy. i want back that close relationship that we've shared. i wonder how it became like this. i know i've drifted away from you. and running away from you. don't even want to go church anymore. don't want to go cell also. time and time again, you called me back, but i never hear. i never took notice of it. i ignored it..

daddy, i miss you. i miss you so much. i feel so alone without you. so empty. as much as i try to fill it up, its still empty.

i try. try so hard to find you. try to reach for you..but somehow, i just cannot reach it..

daddy, i'm scared.

everything's crashing down on me..without you by my side.

i'm sorry i did it again..sorry

lionel kor: i'm sorry. maybe you know what i'm talking about, maybe you don't. but i'm sorry for breaking THAT promise.

everything's pilling up and i'm stuck under that big pile. stuck. seriously stuck.

maybe i'm just stressed. okok. i am. everybody is stressed.

school:
its so tiring. so draining and i feel like giving up. don't want to go school anymore. my grades suck. and school sux. my grades are dying. they are dropping. its super stressful. everybody's studying hard. and what the heck am i doing? don't wanna study anymore. feel like throwing away my books and just wish time would stop and then no need to take o levels. i wish. if only... OLIVER!!! can i just don't go to school? its so draining. cannot take it anymore..

home:
sigh. i'm going in circles. perhaps it will always be like that. results results results. expectations expectations. i know i'm supposed to do something about it and i just cannot leave it like this..but how? nothing that i do pleases them no matter how hard i try. and it sux and hurts. have yet to tell them my results. i know i'll die. comfirm. i'll die when my progress report comes out..sighness.
sister being super duper irritating at home. I WANT MY PRIVACY! stop looking into my stuff. stop being a busybody. you bullly me. you disturb me. why why why? respect? where did it all go? you call me names, say i stupid, say stuff that really really hurts. why? what did i do to you? i love you. just what did i do...

God:
i know i'm drifting away. i'm running away. i'm not doing anything about it. i feel super guilty. super guilty for what i've done. for the so many wrong stuff that i done. and i have no idea how and what to do. why does it seem like each time i call on you for help, you don't seem to be there? i cannot face you. i'm sorry i made you sad. i'm sorry for doing the stuff that i did.


i realised why i want to do well. why getting good grades are so important to me.
since young, parents compared grades. i never did really well. my bro and cousins did much better than me. they did higher chinese, did so much better for psle than me. somehow, whenever they compared, it always hurt. even now, my sister is so smart..everybody is so smart..and i really want to do well. i want to. just for once. just to prove to them that i can do it too. that i'm not stupid and i can do well too. i'm just afraid of being compared to again. and being hurt again...

parents want me to do well too. i know they have high expectations. and time and time again, i've disappointed them. always got scolding for my results..why why why.

sometimes i feel so fake. its like i tell people to jiayou and not to give up and tell them they can do it..but deep down inside, i'm not even sure whether i can do it..its like i'm not doing the stuff that i say..i duno...

guilt..it is taking its hold on me..i feel guilty for sleeping. i feel guilty for not doing anything..ahhh..i shouldnt be blogging here.

sorry..i know its super depressing. i shall stop..

oli oh oli..just what have you done to us...
*oli- our name for o levels

gah. everybody's so stressed. and its super scary to see everybody stressed.

dat day mr yeo came into class and called us up one by one to his desk..to meet our doom. nah..it was super scary. he started scolding us one by one because of our amath results. we did super badly. and i know we've disappointed him. its like we (ok, i) never study..and i feel super guilty. coz i know the reason why he is doing this is because he wants us to do well and because he cares about us. i mean, which teacher calls us up to his table to scold us one by one..

a typical scene in class 4B1:
i walk into class, seeing everybody so tired. some sleeping on the table, on the floor, some rushing up undone homework, or studying. its so depressing. everybody's half dead already. bell starts to ring. everybody chiong for the locker. and chiong down for assembly. nobody sings anthem or school song. bet you they're stoning or sleeping (i close my eyes). walks back to class super slowly. hugging the pillar on the way to class. while waiting for teacher to come, we try to catch some (as much) sleep as we can. greet our teachers with no energy. even nowadays seldom hear laura greet loudly anymore. try to keep ourselves awake by pinching each other(yes yes minty and claire).and i slap myself to keep myself awake. all of us look so drained and tired. catching naps in between whenever teacher digresses. our class is no longer hyper and dat noisy anymore. seldom hear seewah's laughter anymore half way during lesson. seeing the people beside me (kristi, claire) dozing off with their head on the table, makes me want to sleep too. how i wish the teacher would soon disappear from class. seeing minty and leemey infront trying to keep themselves awake..but they cant stay awake. neither can i. everybody suddenly became super tired and quiet. constantly asking weixin for the time, to see if the lesson was up. hoping it would be time for recess, where we can finally get a break from lesson. going down for recess. the 10 of us (claire, kristi, laura, mey, minty, jia, xwx, clara, yinling, me) at one table..solemly eating our own food. keeping quiet. what happened to those nonsensically jokes and laughter? going back to class..and try to keep awake during lesson AGAIN! longing for school to end. sighness...what on earth happened? :(

shucks. i should be studying now. seriously..i should..

it suddenly dwelled on me that its only 12 days to chi o's...noooo...

my hols is filled up..
chem pract
bio pract
hist paper
emath/amath clinic every wed and fri
plus more and more studying...

gah.. i know i'm drifting and running away from God. i know i know..but somehow, i'm not doing anything about it..

sigh. its super disappointing. stupid chinese. stupid chinese.

never expected it. i thought i would get at least a B3. guess i'm not that gd after all. but i studied hard la. it sux when you study hard..but then the results that you get are low..its super discouraging and disappointing.

its like only 5 pple in class got distinction. i know we disappointed laoshi. disappointed ourselves. dissapointed our parents. i have no idea how i am gonna tell this to my parents. bet you they are gonna scold me. gonna nag at me. i studied lorh. just that those parts like close passage and zuo wen cannot study wan and i got super low for those. i duno la. not intending to tell them unless i really really have to.

wanted to cry. really wanted to in class. i did la. but nobody saw i guess.

jiaen: thankew for comforting me and making me laugh. thankew for being such a great friend. (:

can you imagine, if olevels also like this, then my L1R5 will die. really die. then i can't go anywhere..

chinese o's in 2 wks. and i'm so dead.

ms ho gave us our pre-prelim exam schedules and prelim schedules. sighness..ahhhh...

feel like giving up..

finally get what weixin means when she said that its super unfair. coz even though you study hard, you still do so badly. but those pple who slack so much do well..so what's the point of studying..might as well juz leave it and fail and do badly. isn't it the same..

chinese oh chinese. what have you done to us...

2dae was such a long day..had 5 periods of chem. surprised at chem marks. heh

gah..i duno wad to do.

getting back chi prelim 2mr. super scared. laoshi said we did very badly..haiz. at first thought the paper was ok.but after listening to laoshi, i'm scared. i know we dissappointed her. sigh. and its scary la. don't wanna get it back..

mstan returned eng mock compre exam 2dae. sigh. super dissapointed la. failed it and we all did super badly. its scary. sumore mstan said its olevel standard..sigh. wanted to cry. but jiaen made me laugh.heh. gah.. gonna fail my eng...

more free periods. teehee. realised my blog is super depressing. and i haven updated for super duper long.

been thinking alot and alot and alot. maybe i should spend less time on that. is that what pastor boon chiau means by energy leakage?

i'm high now. probally too much of jiajia's nonsensical songs. heh. its super super funny!(: makes me happy.

'zhu ren dui wo wei wei xiao, xing qing fei chang hao....la la la la lalalalalala...many moneymanymoney...mehhhh..." shucks. i'm being super retarded.

talked on the phone last night..and by the way, i'm not a primary school kid. heheh.(:

i miss primary school. seriously. was thinking about it..all the stupid and retarded stuff we used to do..going into staff room for no reason just to disturb teacher. hiding fren's bag away. running all over the place during recess and getting sweaty. was looking through my diaries and letters.haha.laugh utill can die wan. rite..i'm still retarded. noo..rather, WE are still retarded. was thinking of church..and jyc and looking at photos and all the affirmations. heh.man..all the memories. i miss being retarded. being stupid. being so innocent. and not caring about what others think. the laughter, the fun, the memories. just looked at the myanmar photos again. super funny. (: if only i could go back in time...

i miss everybody. i miss the way it used to be. i miss i miss EVERYTHING...

want to get back chi prelims, but yet don't want. that day laoshi came into class and scolded us. untill like she wanna cry like dat. shucks la. don't wanna dissapoint laoshi. don't wanna do badly. its like our class have dissapointed her so many times already. never hand in hmwk, nvr pay attention, and now, not doing well for our prelims. sighness. finally realised and know what 'bu yao gu fu lao shi de yi fan xin yi'

i shall start on my chinese again. again. 'hua wen! wo lai le!' ' wo bu yao gu fu lao shi de xin yi he qi wang'

somebody tell me what to do...i'm like lost and not knowing what to do... bu zhi shuo cuo. everything is back to square one. just when i thought i had actually solved the problem..but no..its still there and i realise i'm just running away from it. running running round and round in circles. and there! i'm back there..at the problem. its the same thing all over and over again. the problem comes, then i start running and avoiding it, not wanting to face it. and there, it disappears for awhile, but then, i'm back to it again. i know i have to solve it. but i donno how to and aiya. i duno la.

i know i know. i know that running away's not good. but tell me, what can i do. i duno what i should do.

somebody tell me what to do...

ystdae tried studying at home, but couldnt concentrate coz kept thinking of so many stuff at home..and wanted to cry. that why went beatrice's hse instead.

i'm gonna explode soon...