tired.haiz.been out the whole day..ahhhh..met beat at her bustop at 10.30.dan went on to meet viv and may at mrt station.haha.went tampanis coz have the netball president challange.haha.super long journey.reached sports complex at bout 1 lyk dat. the pple there are scary lorh.they are lyk super tall.guess they r older dan us.yea.ohwell.anyway, we lost.haha.coz they got height advantage la.but hu cares.haha.wad matters is dat we all had fun and a great time of bonding(:hee.our team: may,beat,danielle,huikee,prisca,viv,me.dan went tampanis mall walk walk and eat.heh.by the time 5 smth liao.dan left at ard 6plus.went toapayoh.netball super league.haha.went to watch.yea.super tired.got a huge pile of hmwk.ahhhhhhhhhhh.die.dun tink i can slp 2nite.haiz.got jyc 2mr.shd i go early 2mr or shld i not...i duno.haiz.

this wk has been..erm..haiz.tiring and yucky and stressful.haiz.got so many things to do. i'm glad 2mr is sun!!haha.er..actually its 2dae.pass 12 liao.its 2 now.haah.failed chem test.haiz.gonna fail chem overall for ca2.i think my geog also.amath oso.haiz.i'm so gonna diediedie...finally told my mum all my results.yea.she scolded me la.but i guess i feel much better.its lyk a huge load dropped.still have yet to tell dad...haiz.really really thankew aunty licheng, grace tan jie, lionel kor..for encouraging me this wk(: yea.heehee.really. looking forward to 2mr.heh.hiaz.tchrs are going super fast in sch.haizz.can hardly catch up.i need help with chem!!SOS!!!!ahhhh.haiz.

___________________________
its over.
i duno whether to feel happy or sad
im sad that our friendship ended.
sad that this friendship dat we both treasured so much juz ended lyk dat
i duno wad exactly happened
but it has beeen going on for quite a while
whenever i think of all the memories
i feel really sad
i wonder wad had happened
but i can never trust you ever again
i can never ever tell you stuff dat i used to do
its hard for me
hard for me to tell someone stuff who had hurt me time and time again
i guess when you hurt me,
you do not know
coz i never tell you
and thought that the hurt will go away.
but it didn't
i thought our friendship wld las
thought it was the best thing that had ever happened
but no...
happy coz its finally over
finally after so many months of broading over the same stuff over and over again
its finally gone.
i no longer have to worry so much
think so much about our frenship
and how we're ever going to solve it.
its tiring thinking about the same issue over again
i duno
but i'm still confused
but i guess it has ended.
gdbye and thankew for all the nice memories.
__________________________

tired..juz reached hm.came bk frm tuition.haiz.hmmm.got amath test n geog test 2mr.haven started on geog.haiz.alot to study leh.haiz.i realised dat the pressure is building up.the stresses, the hmwk, the problems. sch sucked today. i duno.but i'm juz super confused. i duno.i realised dat frenship is super complicated.mann..i can't type alot of stuff here.so...i shall juz not type it here.haiz. was a slack day.but yet..i didn't lyk it.i duno.haiz.

sun-reached church around 8plus 9. coz joanne chan jie teaching me amath.hee(:hmm.did work.finally i did wk in church.heh.eduard dae all went macs.didn't go with them.haha.yea. hee.thankew joanne jie!!(: i finally understand and know how to do long division now.hopefully i'll passs amath.heh.(: dan had jyc.worship was great.did projection.haha.dint noe i was supposed to do it that wk.haha(: really.had a great time with God during worship. dan splited into small grps for sharing. yea.thankew aunty licheng, grace tan jie, joanne jie, lynn, joanne, esther(:heh.thankew for yr prayers.(: i'll try. can't wait for jyc(: heehee.

i wanna go for worship wkshp!!buddan it clashes with the netball president challenge..how?haiz....

oh ya.pray for lynn ya.she's at leadership camp now(:heehee.

hopefully i'll survive through the wk.haha. yea.i'll do it with GOd's help(:

claire! the shrek 2 cd!!haha

staying bk 2mr for mooncake.haha.so fun.whee!

father, i commit everything tat i do during this wk into your hands. i pray that you'll be with me even as i go through this wk and you will help me and give me your strength. i pray dat i'll rely on you and will hold your hand and will go through this with you. help me to find the joy in sch and at hm. give me the courage lord. in jesus name, amen.(:

http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/67d558ad/bc/Mail+Attachments/__sr_/621e.jpg?ph4A2JBBI2aKjH.W/">.

duno if this goes up.haiz.dad chasing me off com..haiz.

sigh.its 12plus now.sch sux la.all the hmwk and stuff.the tests.die..endyr exams cuming soon.48 more days.arfie and i counted.haiz.sigh.we decided to start mugging.ohwell.ahhhhh....really really really feel lyk juz staying hm and sleeping and slacking the whole day.no need go sch.ahhh..my bed.my pillow.sigh.juz finished doing bio notes.haiz.man.super long siah.chi test 2mr.sigh.study liao.but i duno.dun wanna get low.sighsigh.screwed up chem test.ohwell.

tiredtiredtiredtired.super tirring nowdays.sleep at lyk 2plus 3 lyk dat.i need help with amath!!!sigh.i guess things at hm ain't dat bad anymore.its now sch.haiz.after sch went btp with beat and arfie.studied.yea.heh.studied chi.i decided that i shd no longer b slacking.coz exams are here liao.its gonna b super fast.dan poof..taking o level liao.haiz.i wish time wld slow down.its like super fast now.zoom...its gone.its like i'm in a car, speeding..but i'm still lost.lost in a world of my own.duno what the situation is, duno what to do.haiz.slow down!!really really tired of sch.tired of the tchrs rushing us.haiz.sometimes, i duno what i'm living for.why am i even going sch.everytiing's so fast.ohwell.i'm drifting away.drifting away frm God.i want to do Qt everyday,but somehow, i juz can't seem to do it.its lyk i 'm super tired.dan i'm going to close my eyes liao.how to do.ahhhhh...

hafto stay bk 2mr.needa help to sort out mooncakes.haiz.tired.ahhh.i still got a huge pile of hmwk waiting for me on my table. how to do...i wanna slp.sigh.i shall go do my wk.wonder wad time i'll finish.its 12.30 now.haiz.....

where are you Lord?

hmmm..havent been updating.haiz.been supersuper bz.i duno.time passes really fast dat now i dun even noe wad happened the past few wks.all i noe was go sch,lunch,hm,study,eat,sleep.sigh.its getting super tirring and sian.every day juz passes on without meaning.i'm dreading each sch day. really wanna fall sick and juz stay at hm and not worry about anything.really.ahhh.feel lyk dying.wouldn't it b better if i juz die?sigh. i drag my feet to sch everyday.i guess beat and may noe coz in da morning i always super stone and we always walk super slow to sch.sigh.i wonder why we muz have to go sch.i noe..i'm supposed to go sch and study for God.but i duno.i noe i'm supposed to do dat but i can't.sigh.tired.tired of all the stuff that are happening. each time i go hm, i hafto studystudystudy.its tirring. everyday always get scolding. will you ever stop scolding me? sigh.
my parents.haiz. i duno.it hurts la.
why?why?am i not part of this family?why do you all treat me differently?i'm juz the same like anyone else.why can't you accept me.why muz you chase me out of the rm.you guys are all there too.why cant i b there.i was juz lying on the bed.i din do anything.twice.twice. you chased me out twice. once was painful enough.2 times.it hurts.it hurts bad.why.why do none of y9ou seem to love me.none of you seem to care about me.it seems like i'm redundent.no place in this family at all.nothing.do you know how much you've hurt me.how many times i was hurt, time and time again by you all.each time you all hurt me, its like being stabed. super painful.many times, i ignore it. leaving it alone. hoping it'll heal by itself. do you know how painful dat is?when itis healing, it is being stabed again. will it ever heal. you guys discuss stuff without me, don't include me in anyting.i dun understand. why do you keep things for me. why cant i know.i'm part of this family too.why.i'm trying to find a gap where i can fit in. where you guys will acccept me. i dun't want the rejections anymore.each time you hurt and reject me.a wall slowly builds us and forms around.trying to hide myself, looking for protection. i cannot face you all.cannot look at you at all in the eye.i'm scared.fear. i can't.i try to hide away and make myself less obvious.tyring not to interere least i get into any trouble. i dun't want you scolding me.i dun wand that feeling to come back.each time you come hm, i;ll try to be in my rm to hide myself or purposely pretend to fall aslp so i do not have to face you.scared. i duno.why.its scary.why can't you be like other pple's parents.so funk so nice so caring so loving. i envy them.when i look at them and see how happy they are, it hurts. i long to have this kind of fun, this kind of love this kind of acceptance.why.this just all hurts.hurts.
sigh. at hm. it juz sucks la.sigh.wanna run away.fly away.

my bro and sis also. irritating me.its like i'm super stressed out and tired liao.still come and irritate.shudup man.go away.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

i'm gonna die.die.die.die.passed bio on the dot.die.dun dare tell mum.i'm scared.i dread going hm.dread going sch.this sux. everything's going haywire....

national day-really realy meaningful.sun,stayed over in church.reached church at 11plus pm.prayed for spore.yea. keep praying for the new gov. ya.juz watched the swearing in of the new cabinet.yea. lord i pray that you give the new cabinet wisdom.pray that you'll teach them how to run spore well and i pray that they wil do it w you.guide them lord.
dan at bout 4 lykdat went prayer walk ard smu dat area.yea.dan went for breakfast.had timsum.heh.was super tired.stoning.
aunty licheng talked to me.thankew aunty licheng. i noe.i haf to b strong.
yinling!!!! thankew for yr email(:heh.i'll reply you soon yea. thankew so much.i juz read it.heh. really thank GOd of such a wonder ful fren man.
was talking to lynn on da fone dat day nite.yea. pray for her too yea(:she's gonna have a red cross test on sat.yea.
dan after breakfast on mon morning went hm dan slept for 3 hr dan went grandma hse.heh.went swimming.heh.had a great time with my cousins.(:you noe, as i look at my cousins, seeing how carefree they are, i wish i was lyk dat too.haiz.watched ndp.heh. i think i saw ben kor.haha(:
when they played the national anthem, i cried la.was touched by how much GOd had blessed spore and how much he loves this nation.i finally understood GOd's heart for this nation(:

man.i havent started on my hmwk yet.got so much to do.haiz.wanna play piano.sigh..

haha.pink.i realised i haven blogged for a longtime.been wanting to blog.but dun haf time.sigh.been super bz and have been slping at 1 to 2 lyk dat.sleepy.got so many things to do.so many stuffs are happening and its all too fast for me to take it.i 'm really confused.over everything.i duno.i duno wad's happening.as in its all blurred.nothing is going into place.everything's just crashing.just going downdowndown.

feel like i'm drifting away from God.its like he's not there anymore.like he doesn't bother about me.i duno.i badly want you lord.why. i keep asking myself, why all these are happening.why can't life be just smooth sailing.ahhhh. got a msg frm auntylicheng ystday.she told me to read eph6:11-18.told her how i was feeling and stuff.shared with her.yea.felt so much better.and she told me to go n sing 'still'. thankew aunty licheng(: everything's distraacting me from spending time with GOd and frm putting Him first. all the problems.i duno.

i'm so going to die.really.failed my amath n chem.i dun have to courage to tell my parents.how.have to sign my scripts.i duno.ahhhh.kor, i really can't do it.i duno how to.i'm scared.scared of their scoldings.scared of making them dissapointed.i really duno.it seems like i was ok in sch when i got bk my scripts.but i'm not.really. when i got hm i was really really confused.ddint know wad to do.i noe, kor has been telling me to tell coz the faster i tell, the beter as it is a burden off me.but i can't to it.i'm such a failure.i duno how to face them.i noe.its not the end of the world.but..i duno.i mean, its only 2mths to endyr.dan i'm still failing.i duno.the tchrs are asking us to gear up and study hard.but no matter how hard i try, i still can't get tings right.why?somebody tell me wad to do.

at hm.i duno.still dread going hm.dun wanna go hm.but i noe i haf to.just got scolded for half hr by my dad.stupid. coz of my hp bill.its 40 bucks.its not that much.way better than the last mth.80bucks.i cut down alot.but i still duno why i got scolding.i mean, its like improvement la.still scold.i duno.i was swearing in my head juz now.i noe i'm not supposed to and i promised kor to try not to swear,but i can't help it.really cannot ren.sorry kor,sorry lord.
"you see,at this time (11plus) still got msg, still smsing"
"my friends not alsp yet wad.they wan to msg me dan msg la.what can i do"
"you dun reply la."
"wad the.hello,people ask qns you tell me not to reply?how to?"
"never mind wad.you see today i got 3 msgs i still haven even read"
(thinking in my mind):i get way more than 3 msgs a day!you dun read not my problem wad.its yrs.wad the heck is yr problem?****
"i'm older, of coz i got more frens, usage wld be more, but see, my usage is about the same as yrs."
(thinking..): wad the.go away la.leave me alone. finish already anot?ahhhh.if you got more frens how cum you only get 3 msgs aday?the kind of msgs you send and pple send to you is different from the kind i recieve and send.
"you see, 40 dollars is alot of money you noe,you not paying, of coz you dun feel the pinch."
(thinking..): argh!!dan i pay la.shoots.but dun haf money.grarrr...
----------------------and this went on for half hr.din really say anthing.but i talked bk alot in my mind.sweared alot.really.sigh.---------------------------------------
duno la.parents dun understand.my parents dun understand.its like they keep asking me to slp early, do wk.but how to?do they even noe how much stress i already face in sch?then at hm they stil add?sigh.how to slp early with so many stuff to do?do they understand?will they ever?

i duno.how i wish i could juz sit in a bus,and juz stone as the bus moves.then i wont have to bother about anything else.ahhhh.everything can juz pass by w/o affecting me. wish i wld be sick.wish i would have fever now.and juz die.ahhhhh.

suposed to go church study today.mum dun allow.
"go church for wad?"
"study la"
"wad for go down all the way to church?can study at hm"
"cannot, i will slp once i reach hm.in church at least i got pple to keep me awake and to help me"
"no..you travel down even more tirring rite.cannot go"
sigh.dint go.dan end up came hm and slept. see..told you i'd sleep.stupiak.grararararrrrrrrr.......what is this coming to man.sigh.

its like i'm climbing uphill...it seems like i will never reach the top.never.keep slipping.keep falling.wanting to give up.will this ever end?shd i juz let go and juz roll down....mayb i shd.i duno.

Lord, help me. hold my hand and pick me up again.carry me with you.walk with me.i need you.where are you?i dun't see you.how cum? i need you again.i need you to come and touch me agian.need you to come and be with me. each time i cry out to you, you dun seem near. its begining to fade.fade away.lord, help me.i need you.

"your grace is sufficient for me
your strength is made perfect when i am weak......"
these words juz keep ringing in my head.but sometimes, i really canot beileve it.i duno....