Not jealous.....FRUSTRATED, the insurance problem

Alright, it is a couple of days after the deadline to sign up for MNSure/Obamacare.  I have heard some positive numbers from the news (which if you know me, I take as scripture **dripping with sarcasm**) I have one thing to say, and I don't think I am alone on this, I may be the only one saying it though.
I am happy that people have access to healtcare, much of it free or 'affordable'. I have also heard horror stories about how much MORE it is costing hard working families to 'have to have' this coverage- that is a side discussion
Here is where *I* have a problem with the whole thing, and it is truly from a selfish stand point.  I have had insurance since I started teaching back in 199....something and we continued to have coverage when we moved here under the school that James works at. So you may think we are the lucky ones. However, if you look deeper into it, here is where I get sick down in my gut.  If you knew how much it costs us each month to carry a $5000 deductible / person in our family- yes,we have to pay $5000 per person before anything is covered or paid per year. We are paying more for that piss poor coverage than some of you make a year.  You can say that is because we have 6 people in our family, but it doesn't matter if you have 2 people or 20 on the school's plan, it is the same rate. 1+=family plan.
Now there are many who are paying $0 or a very small fee to have wonderful coverage where most services cost $3 a visit and eye and dental are covered as well. (which is not even an option for us through an employer plan) I don't think I am 'jealous' or 'upset' about those that are finally receiving healthcare. Rather, I am upset about a nation of people who are working just as hard and who do qualify for an employer plan that are being overlooked and because of this they are being screwed out of thousands of dollars a month for piss poor, shitty coverage that lands them in collections with the hospital because they can't afford to pay the $550-$1000 a month minimum to pay a month 10% of their bill.
I would have been better off to carry no coverage and allowed the hospital to cut my bill and then the state to pick up a good portion of it, vs presenting my card and running it through my plan. Sigh....FRUSTRATED is the word.

Tootles, enough small talk

I logged on, I had a blog post running through my head all day.  I saw Post Secrets under my blog role and forgot all about what wouldn't leave my head all day- just like that- gone!  Ugh.

Right...so , now what?  Pick at our fingernails, make small talk?

How about an update?

It's been a shit ass winter and I'm ready for it to be done, but it is not , nor is it going to be anytime soon.  The extended forecast for next week shows temps all below freezing.  Ish!  This will be the first time that we go to our sport show (that runs the first full weekend of April) that there will be snow on the ground, or at least this much snow.  It stormed once on that weekend (which sucked for sales) but the snow has always been gone before we have to set up.

A guy did come into work and remind us that he cross country skiied every day in April last year......yeah - that's right....I forgot....Sigh....

Lymes symptoms let up for a few days and it was so awesome to be ME again.  Energetic, bubbly me....oh I sure do like that person!  It showed me how miserable I truly have been lately but it also allowed me to absolutely appreciate those days that I wasn't feeling like warmed up death.

I have a new tatt idea, or actually an add on to my back tatt.  I am excited but need to save some $ since I gave my last tatt savings to my niece when she was here to get a tatt.

I need to lose 10 lbs, but find it near impossible with how shitty I feel and how cold out it is.  ummm....

I got nothing. really.  Thus concludes our small talk, this is where I make a reason to escape the conversation and we hug.  Right...so.... tootles!  (I never would actually say tootles btw.  I am more a 'later' sort of person)

Sherlock

The problem with having such a logical brain and the ability 'to figure people out', and a love of human behavior psychology is that some things are very obvious to me that might not be to the average person.  I can figure out why people are doing what they are doing, usually before they know why.....I can think things through and pick up on clues and have the ability to process and put the story together.

Now, this is a problem because usually people don't like to hear 'the story'. They don't like to understand WHY they are doing something or what the truth is. A person doesn't want to believe what really is going on.  You don't want to know that it is really your wife who is causing the problem by digging in or you don't want to know that you keep avoiding your work because you get attention  from not and you actually enjoy the stress that comes from it, etc.......

My point?  I don't have one.  Just another observation.  I guess I am good at observing and others aren't good about seeing through their own disillusion.

What I really want to say on FB today

Go ahead, link this , share this, bring notice to this.....

Because THIS is what I really want to say on FakeBook today but know that I don't want to deal with the bullshit that will follow....I guess that makes me as much of the problem as anyone else.

Just because you don't like Barbie for your child doesn't mean I can't give it to mine.  You think fit and skinny makes for a woman who isn't real since apparently 'real woman have curves', you think that make up is the bane to woman-kind and maybe I truly love mascara, you are certain that democrat or republic or conservative or liberal is the only way to go and maybe I find ground and good points in all..... 

WHY oh why do we all have to be SO certain that OUR idea is the right idea?  Why do we have to boost and assert and put it out there to the point of offending those that don't agree and then in turn call them out on it because they disagreed with us? with you?  Since when can't we have our own ideas and since when can't people understand that not every bird sings the same song? (thank goodness!!!) 

I would ask that you think of this the next time you are so certain of something here on FB or in real life.  Maybe I think there is an obesity problem being masked as a 'love your body' campaign, maybe I think people should earn their keep if they are physically capable of doing so.  Maybe I can see both sides of the abortion debate....etc.  Just maybe your "opinions" are hurting people's feelings and they are too nice to say anything to you or tired of having it turned back around on them

It's ok if I raise my boys and girl knowing how to properly handle a weapon and that we hunt and fish and use bows and arrows for hunting and recreation and that we have more camo then 'nice clothes' and in turn it is ok that your kid knows how to tie sailor knots and drive a sailboat and wears khakis and boat shoes vs boots.....  we need all types in this world and I often tire of FB because I tire of people.

You know you don't agree with me on all points, I don't want you to.  Any friend that I had that just said 'ok' was not for me and they are no longer around- on purpose.  I like friends that are different from me and that can challenge the way I think.  I either change my ideas, a little or a lot, or I find that I am indeed grounded in what I believe.  But I don't want to throw my own truths out there so hard that I can't see through to the other side. You know?

Fingers crossed

Fingers crossed, I think I am on the mend.  I also hope that maybe, just maybe the 'cold' I had (which was really just extreme body aches, a fever, and THEN chest congestion was really a Lymes symptom...and/or... it was the cold virus that I was told I had in my bladder leaving my system.

WHAT? you say.... a cold virus in your bladder?  pffttt....unlikely.  Or is it?  Modern medicine is so far behind they think they are first.....sigh

While getting the scans done for Lymes at this specialist I mentioned what I thought was a reoccurring UTI.  she pushed a few buttons and the scan switched over to a different category. She immediately told me the side I was referring to although I never mentioned it (Yeah,yeah...50% chance of guessing what side the problem was on.  I understand that ) and she then set to scanning to figure out the REAL problem.  According to her I have a cold virus in my bladder and I probably have for years.  She asked a couple more questions and then we were both convinced.  She altered my homeopathic drops to account for this as well and I have slowly been getting rid of this nasty thing.

My kidney no longer hurts and my ureter does not feel like it ablaze inside my body and now I only feel slight pressure in my bladder (tmi???)  I will stop with the description there, but the point is that I would have just gone to the clinic. I would have done labs.  They would have told me I had E Coli in my sample. They would have given me antibiotics for 7-10 days and then the symptoms would have disappeared but only to return again shortly there after (about 3-4 times a year).  So my hope is that the cold I had was the cold coming out of my system.  Imagine, being done with what I thought were UTI's .  THAT would be amazing!!!!

~~__~~__~~__~~__~~__~~__~~__~~

Now, as far as the Lymes.  I am also hoping that the symptoms lighten up. My vision has already improved as has my shaky hand.  Things that I always just blew off as 'always been the way I am' and never remembering when any of it really began but now remembering what it is like not to have those problems.

I am obsessed with playing Ruzzle on my tablet as a way to keep my brain thinking. Lymes really messes with your memory.  I honestly haven't been able to remember much for long in over a decade.  I thought it was because my life was flying by now that I had kids.  etc...... soo oo oo many things that I just chalked up and gave excuses for, have been symptoms of Lymes.  Gahhhh, won't it be amazing to not be so messed up?

Here's hoping

Picture caption:
See that ity bitty tiny little speck of a dot of a piece of shit tick?  yupppp....that is how small they can be, and I swear I've picked smaller off my dog.... this my friends is why you don't always see the ticks  :(
I did however see the tick, I even saved it.  I taped it in a baggie to the inside of the bathroom closet door and it remained there for a year or more.  I had heard they could test the tick.  It didn't seem like I ever needed to.... little did I know.

P.S.  I probably never needed heart surgery, I needed to fix my Lymes. Worse? I took a damn Lymes test at the clinic before my surgery to be sure because I KNEW that one of the symptoms was heart arrhythmia.  Sigh....oh well, shoulda coulda...tried.

I'm fine...I'll just lay here and die

I feel awful. Absolutely terrible.

This Lymes thing is kicking my butt. It is like having the worse flu ever- all the time, but more painful.  my joints and muscles and back and neck.....headache...yeah- ouch!  just ouch

right now I feel like I have a cold. gunked up chest and a fever, but knowledge tells me it is the Lymes working it's way through (and hopefully out). man, it hurts!

I went to work hoping to get sent home today. they didn't so I left at 12 on my own.  slept the rest of the afternoon and then rallied for my daughter's birthday, and am now ready to lay down and die for the weekend again  ;)

I'm not dying, but I don't feel good

So way back, at Christmas, when I posted that I had the flu....it wasn't really the flu.  I started going back through my FB feed and realizing that every 3 months I was getting 'the flu'.  BUT, the symptoms never included respiratory or stomach issues. I only had fever, aches, chills etc......

After some discussion at work (I work at a Wellness Center) we realized that I needed to look into this further. Despite my previous Lymes Disease tests at the clinic's lab  (which came back negative) we were becoming convinced that I was suffering from the disease.  Reasons:

*I don't know how many times I had posted- I am so tired....I am unreasonably tired....I am unexplainably tired...I can't go out tonight, so tired....I am home early, unlike me, I got too tired.....I took a nap today and am in bed before 10-wth???
*I also realized I had been chalking things up to 'foggy brain'. I was forgetting how to spell things, my sentences weren't making sense coming out of my brain and my quick wit was two steps behind. I just can't / couldn't think
*Shaking, anxiety, heart issues, restless leg, pins and needles feeling in my arms/legs/hands, itching when I got nervous
*this is just to begin

I venture to a town two towns away to a MD who is also trained in ND and other natural/alternative/experimental methods and is renowned for finding 'issues' that others can't.

It took her less then 15 minutes to figure out that I did indeed have Lymes and I also have H.Pylori in my heart (hello...THIS is why I had an emergency ambulance ride to the big hospital years ago for ? Pancreatitis was the diagnosis and they left me in a room starving for two days and released me when my enzymes dropped back down)......

that tiny little spot is a grown deer tick,
they are tinier then that when they are nymphs
 but equally as deadly

Now I get worried- how long have I had this? (probably 10 yrs) was this the true reason behind my heart or did it make it worse? (probably the latter) why did it get bad now? (silly, it has been...you've been writing off the symptoms to anxiety/flu/other things instead of seeing those as symptoms of a bigger cause) what about my kids? my youngest? (90% of ticks in our area carry the disease, probably 80% of people here have it, 67% of clinic tests give you false negatives)

So the next week I bring my youngest....yup- he has it AND he has it worse than I do!  He has Lymes and a co infection of Lymes and the co infection is in his heart (THIS is why he can't run across the yard and not lose his breath) he has traces of 'crap' left over from his immunizations (so wish I wouldn't have given them their shots) and that combination mixed is giving him his extreme sensitivities, anger issues and panic/anxiety.  Ugh......worst of all, I could have given it to him In utero.  Ugh.He did get bit by a tick on the head last year, but he has had these symptoms pretty much his whole life.  
So, of course, I bring the other three kids the next week- late stage Lymes is nothing to mess with and has put 30 some year olds in nursing facilities around here and is irreversible!  Luckily, non of the other three kids have Lymes.  They do have left over 'crap' from their immunizations (I regretting giving those damn shots each time I agreed to it, but felt trapped by my first decision to immunize the oldest)  some of the things that could be 'issues' from the left over 'stuff' are allergies, ear infections, and of course with youngest- anxiety and his sensitivities (especially noise).

So now we are all on a holistic treatment plan. Youngest and I are fighting off the Lymes. The drops cause you to 'herx', or to react. The reaction is that the symptoms get worse as you fight off the disease.  I am walking around with a constant muscle ache/back and neck and head ache.... I am shaky (always have been , but more so now) my skin is on fire and I feel like a person with tourettes.  I want to shake out my hands and arms to relieve some of these feelings but that relief is only temporary.  I am anxious and tired and my heart is fubar again.  I am so very tired yet mentally know I don't want to be.  I can't formulate sentences and on a good day I just can't remember the big words.  The little one is grumpier then ever and yelling at people like a crazy homeless person who just blurts out rudeness.

If this works, if we beat this thing and return to 'normal' I don't even know what that is going to feel like.... having had these symptoms on top of other things for so long that I don't know what normal is anymore.

The bad part of this is the guilt.  I have such huge guilt for making my family especially my husband go through 'one more thing'. I swear he has to think I make this shit up for attention or to get out of stuff or..... if he doesn't think that then he just has to be frustrated, plain frustrated about me constantly dealing with 'something' medical.   I feel guilty for not resting and I feel guilty for letting things slip. I feel hugely guilty about forgetting.....forgetting what needs to be done and what I have said I would do. Forgetting to think..or at least that is what it feel like.

Sigh....anyway- that is what is going on. It could be way worse, this I know.  I don't have cancer, I am not going through chemo.  Noone is dying and there seems to be a solution.  I have chosen the slower route but the week of antibiotics just leaves a person waiting...waiting for the disease to come back out of remission and attack, or to live a life of 'not feeling quite right'.  Sooo, I will slowly take my drops twice a day for four months and to eat my coconut oil for the h.pylori and slowly deal.

Fingers crossed for the end of summer....maybe we will be in tip top shape by then

damn this being an adult

wow wow wow....I am just dealing with so much right now.

Oh my.

I know this is cryptic and as soon as I process it all I will share.

For now I am going to drink too much, but not too much I can't get up and take child to wrestling tourney out of town tomorrow..... damn, being an adult

99% chance it's cold....but not in my bed

OHNT is up for the very last time, I played along.  Sad to think yet another chapter in my life is ending.  This chapter truly meant a lot to me, it helped with a metamorphosis of myself. It aided in me becoming who I always had been, but forgotten about. It helped bring me back.

You can see the pic I posted by follow that little link but I saved one for you all here as well  :)

It is suppose to be 60 below here tonight with the windchill, the furnace won't stop running and the trees and house are popping and creaking and carrying on.  This is the kind of cold that kills, or in the least gives you frost bite in a matter of minutes.  Good thing for you,  it is warm inside