blah!

Nooo, for real, I am !  So, so sick.
Hoping it goes through the family as fast as possible and doesn't mess up Christmas

I won, I won, I won the contest!!!! VIP package to see *him*

Tomorrow, I will be standing beside this man, if only for a brief moment while they snap my picture and I move on like cattle being herded through.  BUT, then I will witness the soundcheck and a concert in which I am somewhere in the first 10 rows.  I am kind of excited. I gotta admit!

Yay!

Ego-Centricism at it's best

Everyone is so certain they are right and what they feel is right is not an opinion, but rather the way things should be.  Everyone does it. Facebook has just made it more evident to me.

no need for sympathetic comments....no, really

Oh let me count the people

Beware

I seem to be telling people off lately.  Oops. Very unlike me.

I have been trying to keep a low profile, out of the desire to restore myself mentally but also out of fear of letting loose on someone else!  Although, you may not be immune because internet, FB, text..... seems to be open game for me and my no longer held tongue!

Beware!

yup

I'm fine.

Summer come back.....picture post

Home

Strange but true
I am so very excited to stay home this weekend.

No big plans, no hot date, not GNO.

Just me and a bunch of cleaning and hopefully some much needed rest and maybe some movie watching.  I am tired. Sooo very tired. I don't like the chaos that is still my house and want to remedy that.

I am just glad to be home. I like my house

Here we go

I am back. A short break from reality.
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking after me.

Onto reality, full force......  Here we go!

Ponder that

Sometimes I find myself holding my breath. Waiting for everything to fall apart.

You never know when your entire existence is swept out from under you like a rug. A tragedy, an accident, a discovery, a loss....who knows?

You never know when your last moment of normalcy is just that.

Ponder that

that happened

I burned my boobs today
in the tanning bed

yup, that happened

two posts in one night, it's that kind of weekend

I find it interesting that the people who have been volunteering to help me this week when I have swallowed my pride and asked are people who are NOT my closest friends.  WTH??? I have found this a lot lately.

Interesting.

People I hardly know are stepping up and those I have known forever suddenly disappear into the shadows

Grrrr

Husband is gone for 12 days.  She got too drunk at the hockey game to meet up with me after, like we had planned all week, I put off other plans/ people to wait and go out with her.....no biggie....grrrrrr.  Yes, I could have changed MY plans and gone to where she ended up.  But no! I'm not going to show her that it is ok to disregard our plans that were set for a week because she can't handle herself, nor am I going to show up at 10pm to a place that EVERYONE is drunk and I was stone cold sober.  I don't mean to sound snotty or 'too good' but it was more of a lesson for her which left me the one punished.

She got it, she was scrambling, trying to figure out how to get to where we agreed to meet..... I just told her to stop trying, it wasn't worth it. My night out turned not.  Shower, shaving, make up, dressing, waiting, not making other plans.....all for waste.

Now, here I will sit alone, again, for the rest of the week.  Wasted we of no hubby. GrrrrGrrrGrrrrrr......

TMI....really! Manners don't allow us to talk about 'things' with our bodies, sometimes for good reason

This is random and this is strange and this is 'out there'..... but I have had a bump? of sorts on my right nipple for a VERY long time (since early spring?) and it has itched and itched and itched.  I started to realize that I didn't just have an itchy nipple but rather there was something going on with the actual nipple.

Lately I have been trying to squeeze or pop this thing like a pimple.  I then got the tweezer out and finally in the last two weeks I have been attempting to use an needle to poke and pop and surgically remove this thing in the most unprofessional of ways....

No luck. At all. I just created a sore that didn't eliminate the problem but only caused more pain and then itchiness.  However tonight, again, it itched.... and I scratched..... but this time I felt a bit of wetness and thought---what???the???

Soooo, I pull the bra aside and sure enough there is a white goo all over my fingers. I start thinking - OHhH?? ohhh?  OHHHH!!! yes!  progress ?!  I pull my bra aside and sure enough it has 'popped; and there is a goo coming from said bump.

I know this is neither sexy, nor attractive, and falls under tmi.... but sometimes!  just sometimes these odd little body things are a big deal and manners tell us we can't discuss them.

 Like:
Going to the bathroom and finding it was such an experience you want to share the trauma (or success if you've been backed up)
Birth stories
Stomach bug stories
Period issues and stories
Weird spots, functions or other body things
Gas
Constipation or diarrhea (which I spelled correctly w/o spell check...odd)
etc...

Yes, again, manners do not allow us to discuss these things in normal or or or abnormal company ;)  Yet, you finding yourself wanting to!

That is how this dang 'bump' thing has been.  I went to squeeze my nipple as one a big white head, to see what would happen.  Here is the deal: I didn't think much at all would happen. I was sitting at the computer, not in the bathroom. No tissues around etc.

Well, what did happen is this, a massive amount of white stuff oozed out and then suddenly SHOT out!  not kidding! all over my laptop and desk and fingers.  I am not sure where one little bump on one little nipple was storing all of that 'white stuff' but it was in there and it no longer is and I am so happy for it.

My nipple instantly doesn't itch for the first time in months and months. yay!

Now..... I'm done. you can bleach your brain and scrub your eyeball. sorry about that tmi story.  BUT, I feel better  ;)

A bit more fit

Started tanning, cutting back and soon will be eliminating beer, trying to get to the gym Mon, Wed, Fridays. Not snacking at work as often. Healthier meals at home, not falling into the take out thing (even though we aren't done with fball and home until 7pm) ..... Just a few things to make my Fall a little healthier and happier

New Game Plan

Soooo, last night I just played it cool. Sat one person away from her. Didn't initiate any conversation until she did. In fact I went out long before she did and left way earlier than she did. I took no responsibility in getting her to or from downtown.  I had a much better night. She did come on to me once...a tiny bit.  I think this is the game plan for now

ummmm, I'm not sure

Seriously mixed signals going on here!

I am so damned confused!  I have seen her twice this last week and not the three weeks prior to that.

I walked out on her three weeks before, I left saying,
"It's just time for me to leave. There is nothing I can do here. I give up"
Basically, she had too much alcohol (again) leaving me late getting home and leaving her in a pissy too-drunk state. ....
yeah, that's all I'll say on that
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
She always says she is too shy to start things
So with just enough alcohol (in my system) to mock courage and the fact that I hadn't seen her in such a long time I decided to make a move (in the bathroom, out of public eye), I decided to be the one to be bold/not shy.....only I was pushed off.

I left the bathroom and after a few more dances (with her friends) I decided to head out, she walked to the door with me and kissed me..... sigh...I don't know

Mixed signals. I give up

A link

I forgot to link HNT yesterday

http://hntanon.blogspot.com/

HNT? Yep. It seems so...why not?!

First HNT since turning the big 4-0.
Feeling, suddenly, as though I am too old to play the game.
But yet, I feel like I am looking better than I ever have since starting to play along all those years ago.
My body may have been in better shape at times, but my overall package just keeps getting better *wink

Just numbers....but they get stuck in my head

MUST throw scale away!

If I don't look at the scale and I JUST look at myself..... I would have a much better self image lately. Those damn numbers are killing me. I re-located the scale and still find myself on it a few times a week (the kids, who are little waifs, love having it around so I keep it....but....)

These pics I took and the one coming up for HNT on Os's site prove to me that I need to knock it off! but man!  I'm awful I guess.

no click...saving it for Thursday *wink

Bring on Fall

Hunting shack means sleep and reading and more sleep.....once I get us there.

I have a whole summer of crappy sleeping to make up for

New routine-
Clean up house
Work
Come home
Skip eating and all other necessities
Head straight to bedroom and NAP
Sleep, wake up groggy
Wake up enough to function
Try to accomplish one thing an afternoon
Go to football games or practice (there is something every night)
Come home
Cook at 7pm - hugely late for our famiily
Get kids heading to bed at 8 and 9
Maybe get something done....but probably not.

Buzz through a few things on the computer, grab book or Netflix. Veg and then ZZZZZ some more

Well, shit!

Plans to go out tonight.
Out of town to the hole in the wall bar in the middle of nowhere for the best Prime Rib ever to celebrate her new job and then back to town for a great band (at the Legion...buahahahha!)  Hubby gone with the boys and daughter at a sleep over. No kids calling and crying about when I'm coming home and no husband to harass me about when I'm coming home and telling me it's getting late and getting pissy (at 11pm)......   and the possibility of spending a full night with her.

Super excited....

Errrr, I was....

Now plans have changed. He is leaving in the morning.

Well, shit!

A list...not a 'to do' list, those suck....just a list

1) I really must stop talking so negatively to myself
2) On that note: stop obsessing about weight and how I am not losing the last 4 pounds and how a number of my pants don't fit or are tight when they used to be loose.
3) Girls are so damn hard to read. I feel more and more sorry for guys
4) Friends are hard to keep, even as an adult. Sigh......
5) I had to miss my shrink appointment because I was sick and I am literally counting down the days until I can go again
6) Using one person to forget another....guess it doesn't work so well.
7) I am so tired. still. napping the last few days and to bed earlier in the night and still exhausted
8) Did I mention, I'm too hard on myself?
9) In the past couple of weeks life has shown me how not ok life would have been with my ex's (you always wonder, you know?!) Funny how I found this out one after the other
10) Girl's night out Friday (tomorrow), She and I...then meet up with friends. A bit worried about how it all will go. Worrying won't help things though...I know.
11) Tired...did I say that? Soooo, I'm going to bed.

p.s. Did you know I posted a click thru on the last post? Hmmmm???I did, I did!

A secret.....not mine, but fitting

image from : http://www.postsecret.com/

Of course I am!

That's it! By George! I'm tired.  NOOOOO, actually exhausted.

It is no secret I don't sleep all that well at night. I fight going to bed and when I do, I don't sleep the sleep of the dead all night.  We have a small bed, my husband snores (loudly), I worry about the kids, we have an elderly cat who sleeps on us and moves all night long etc......

I haven't had a chance to take naps this summer or this last spring or..... yeah...not at all lately.

This is how I have always survived. I have slept anywhere from 1/2 hr to 3 hrs during the afternoon to make up my sleep deprivation.

Today I came home from work, ate some of the best beef soup I have ever made, and crawled straight into bed. I slept for just over an hour. Dead asleep. Wow!

I can totally tell that I am exhausted. No wonder I am grumpy and emotional and can't think...and ..yeah, well.

Things always look so much better when you are rested.  Maybe it is time to concentrate on catching up on some much needed napping zzzz's .  yes! I believe it is.

(photo taken this last weekend of her and I at a friend's wedding.  So odd to be with someone taller than my 5'8" self!!)

P.S.A. (for myself)

Just a reminder:
You are not in this for the emotions. You are not looking for a relationship. This is not going to be another year long heart break.

You are in this for the fun. Keep approaching it as a game. Stay one step ahead mentally and one behind emotionally.

Do not get sucked in.

Now, carry on.......

If you were here

If you were here, you would take my hand
You would lead me to bed
Lay me down
Make me stop
No words would need speaking
Your eyes always say it all

You would calm the storm, ease the fears
A soft touch, warm skin

The way you tuck and roll me into you
Enveloping me completely into your side
Safest place I have ever experienced.

No fears, just rest

I wish for that now.............

missing you so

Sooo tired, but can not make myself go to bed

I am a caged bird again...not able to find a reason to sing

So, when did it happen? How long ago did I stop fighting? When did I let myself regress?  All that I had worked for, worked on....finding the person I was, becoming the person I liked and that made me happy without actually thinking about it?  When did I lose me? When did I let her go? leave her behind....?  When did the girl I used to be hijack this ride again? How did she get control again?  We didn't like her then, we were completely unhappy when she was serving as management, who let her back in control?

Was it that morning I left *her* at the airport knowing things would never ever be the same? (I didn't even get a goodbye hug) Was it the day I went back to work?  Or how about the months that followed when my hours away from home became more and more? Maybe it was the repeated times my new boss told me that he hired me because he loved who I was and my personality....but could I maybe be a bit {less} of me??

Was it the nights I would sit in the vehicle in a literal panic attack as I tried to get from activity to activity on time and trying to squeeze everyone in knowing that my girl was at home alone and no matter how hard I tried I seemed to disappoint someone. Tae Kwon Do to Football to M.School Football back to TKD to rush home to do homework and listen to kids cry and try to figure out how to throw together something delicious and nutritious with no food in the house and no time to cook it, falling into bed with only enough energy to stare at FB or Netflix until I fell alseep sitting up.... Or, maybe...

Maybe it was the day that Lisa left girls night early, and then showed up the next time with her boyfriend and then another friend divorced and found a boy friend and another friend who has always been single now found a boy to be more than a friend,  leaving no friends left (boys are dumb! and.... girls get dumb around boys)

Of course she was never gone, that unhappy girl, the one who kept her head down and just did what needed doing. But this time she came back worse than ever. She at least used to bury herself in books and a movie once a week. Now she just ...is.....days come and go and the movements get walked through...that's about it.

The things that fed me are gone. I can't help that I get my energy from external sources and my calm from within....that is just who I am. I am cut off from my food supply right now. Sigh..... too much calm for a wild spirit equals depression.

I am working on it. It won't be as easy this time. Lack of time and too much to do is slowly suffocating me, taming me. I am a caged bird again...not able to find a reason to sing.

That's all, those two things

I'm sick....really really sick (flu?) (maybe ebola or hantavirus???)

ohhhhh and I'm fat!  (still about 4 lbs to lose from meds but apparently allll of it is around my waist according to my pans this morning and I'm bloated from my period....now ya know)


That's all.

Yep, that's how it went

I went over, sat patiently as she picked out her text books for her second to last semester of school. I helped her pick out her outfit and jewelry for her date tonight, I tickled her arm as we chatted a bit and then I left. I went back to the reality of my life- kids and sports and cleaning up and overstressed husband and an overgrown garden that I attempted to weed 1/4 of.  She went to watch him play ultimate frisbee and then out to eat.

Yep, that's how it went

copyright BFD 2013

Boyfriends are dumb

Boyfriends are stupid! I am not happy. She has a date on Wednesday. I am not jealous. She is not a lesbian (nor I...obviously) , she has slept with guys since I have known have known her, NBD... But, boyfriends are a different ballgame. Boyfriends take up a lot of time and attention. Girls with new boyfriends forget about their friends, they forget about everything else to tell you the truth.

Sigh...I have lost three friends to boyfriends this year and one to a 'mental affair'. Sigh sigh double sigh....

This nice, cute boy she is going out with on Wednesday could very well be another tally mark on friends who get swallowed up into the abyss of boyfriend land.

I can't handle that again.

For those of you skimming, I don't have a boyfriend, read the damn post!  ;)

Look! MORE pictures

save yourself the time...no clicks maybe someday soon again....sorry

Look, I took my camera out!!!

Copyright BFD 2013

Know your limits...mine is vodka

When a sentence begins, "I don't drink Vodka" and ends with me doing a HUGE shot that contains mostly Vodka...the night can only get worse from there!

I don't know where I lost my head. If it was in the dressing room at VS having my own private lingerie show or on the east side of a bar doing my first shot of Jameson and following it with a bottle of beer at 9 pm on a mostly empty stomach.... but losing my head can be a very very bad thing.

Luckily not all things about the night were awful. Ok, most weren't.
 I had a blast! I did. Found some super cute clothes at good prices, got hit on more than once (always appreciate that ego boost, especially in a college town), cleared up a cobweb of a memory with an ex... and ended it sleeping in a king bed next to a smokin' hot girl.

Not so good- throwing up in some random bar bathroom hard enough I may have peed myself some, then continuing to drink more.  Finding myself at the strip club (that one didn't turn out all that badly actually), but the worst was throwing up all the way home the next morning, barely making it back home.  Had to leave town at 7:30am (after sleeping at maybe 4:30-5am) and not getting out of town until 8. Getting her to work 1/2 hr late after driving straight through the throwing up (yes, driving and throwing up at same time...into a garbage pail at least), and sleeping about 20 hrs straight once getting home (thank God family was out of town).

Was it a success? yes. Did what I wanted to happen, happen? yes. Am I one to give out details? no. You know I'm not one for spilling the beans. But a bed was *messed* up (sorry housekeeping) and we went to sleep smiling. There ya go.

Using my eyelids to take photos and hoping they store

I charged my camera tonight. I haven't taken it out of it's case since June....something????  I have used my cell phone or taken imaginary pictures by clicking my eyelids and hoping my brain stored them in my permanent memory bank in the deep recesses of my mind.

It is all part of my funk this summer. Not in a good place? Then photos will not be taken!  No taking photos, no help to return to a good place!

I had to charge it tonight though. I have a photo shoot tomorrow morn for the medical center ....that job I was telling you about.  Then we have another Next Wednesday and the following Monday. This could be a good good thing!

Maybe I'll keep the camera in the car when she and I head into the city for the evening. maybe there will be inspiration and a desire to take some pics then too???

I'm nervous....she texted

Out of town trip planned. Hotel just booked.
Shopping (she has Victoria Secrets coupons to use up after all)
Dinner somewhere sit down, not a burger joint, and worth dressing for
Then drinks and dancing......

Ahhh yes, I may feel half way human again after a night like that !

A night alone. We are both nervous I guess.

Desires, but no expectations is the theme we've decided. We'll see what comes of it.

Fun is all I want. The rest is a bonus.

uhhhh....ummm..

must get better at being the aggressor....

Girls are confusing.

He makes me coffee, or does he really??

So, my husband makes me coffee every morning. Yep, it's true.

I often praise him for it, sometimes openly on FB to boost his ego a bit.

The rest of the story (because there is always one):
I buy the coffee and filters
I grind the beans
I put the filter and correct amount of ground in the basket
I fill the carafe with water and I leave it there for the morning.

All he has to do is stumble to the pot and pour the water in the hole and close the lid.
In under 3 minutes time there is hot coffee ready to go (It's a Bunn coffeemaker)

BUT..... he makes me coffee every morning











(sorry, I have no pic for the click. I haven't taken my camera out of it's case since June )

I don't want to ....

I have thought about going back to a therapist. I have not seen one since 8 months after my twin daughter died. I stopped going when she told me I just needed to get out more and I realized the only time I was getting out was to go see her. I then scheduled an 'outing' for myself during that time period that used to be my weekly visit with her. But soon, like all things do go (when you are a mom of tiny children) I felt guilty for taking that time and stopped going out.  I just knew what the problem was and felt less crazy

I don't want to go, but I don't want to go crazy.  I am still in such a funk. I am sure it is mostly circumstantial but I also know that the circumstances won't change until the weather starts to change and that in itself is depressing.

I don't want to go because I don't want to be prescribed a drug again, and then a drug for a drug (because I can't sleep or I am not quite right still on just that one, or.......)  drugs feed off from other drugs and those damn things had me feeling nothing the one time I took them. No lows, but no highs either!  What good is life if you are just straight line, no extreme joys or emotions? it's blah! that's what.

I don't want to not go because I am really tired of just moving. Moving out of bed to work to home to bed to do it all again. Never feeling....... only feeling tired.  I know if I could sleep without guilt and if I could get some damn sunshine (it hasn't been above 70 degrees and most days have been windy and over cast for 2 weeks now)... I know I'd feel better much faster.

But, I live with this huge sense of ongoing guilt. Guilt for being at work, guilt for not coming right home after work, guilt for not getting my stuff done in town, for not being in the present mind when I am home (I don't know what we have for food/groceries, not sure where everyone's what ever is, not certain when they showered last or who needs whose nails clipped....etc.  Guilty for wanting to come home and sleep after being gone at work all morning into the afternoon.  Yes, I live with a huge bubble of guilt over my head...ugh

I don't think I am depressed, but I'm not my bubbly, energetic, over the top person either......

The real solution? Get out more.

Odd

She's out with her old/other/last??? friend that is a girl (don't call her her girlfriend, she gets mad) and she keeps messaging me. It is all so very odd. She is the one who chose to go out to eat with her, she picked her up, and yet she keeps messaging me.....

so very odd.

I am not jealous, not at all. I don't have the right to be, nor do I want to be.

I just find it......

ho hum

Just moving through my days. Existing right now it seems. Things I try to do to make myself feel better, that typically work only last for a bit. Like my body metabolized the sedative during surgery I am just burning through my days right now

Even the good things are only ho hum. Depressed? I wouldn't go that far. Don't suggest meds. tyvm
I will be fine. I always am. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since surgery.

in tiny doses

de-funkified? a bit
energy returning? in tiny doses
stress back up? yeah.......

*I did get things done today-
*paid the bills,
*ran errands,
*sent a very important email to the health center that wants to keep us on call as their 'photog' (squeeeee!!!!),
* scheduled my next tatt appt (tomorrow afternoon),
 *rescheduled my heart recheck from a Monday to a Friday and invited her to come with- maybe an over night trip? It's 3 hrs away, stay overnight? dinner out? shopping? downtown dancing? yes!!!
*bought a 6 pack to keep in her fridge ;)
*stayed and chatted for a few minutes and then found a way to sneak back again later to chat for another 1/2 hr. talking is good....we're girls, we talk!

However, here I am not sleeping again. Between the full moon and the demons at night I haven't been getting that much sleep lately. But, this will pass and I will zonk out this weekend I suppose. In the mean time I sure hope this sore throat is more from clenching my jaw/throat in stress and less to do with getting sick - everyone is getting all sorts of weird winter viruses now...ack!

Ok, going to try to lay down, to rest. to get some sleep. or at least to breathe.

hmmm, interesting

Interesting fact:
SHE can lift ME up and hold me against the wall.

Damnit

Oh oh oh oh oh.....
sigh.....

My oh my how my heart will knows what it wants, wishes it could have what it did.

So so so many things have changed and nothing is the same. Friends, family, those I have loved.

Yes, nothing is the same

good and bad night

We watched movies. 3 movies. 1 kiss for each movie. Then he scared her away.  I had time to tuck kids in and go to sleep early. Still a good nght....Until he threw a fit cuz he lost the check book register and I refused to jump up, run around, and find it.

My new favorite sound

When I was dating, my favorite thing to do was to listen to that person's heart beat. To listen to their life force. To try to connect with them. Try to time my heart to beat the same rhythm. I loved the sound of nothing more.

But as time moved on I found a new favorite sound. The sound of my children's heartbeat- first on the monitor as they grew in my stomach and then as I held them in my arms.

But the last two days my ultimate favorite sound has been that of my own heartbeat. That constant steady, now calm heart beat.  It went from being almost constantly above 100 beats to a steady 77 or so. Lovely, lovely sound. beep beep beep beep beep....in the background of my hospital room


The procedure went well, not even a hitch really. My heart was easy to induce into a rapid state and locating the problem areas also turned out to be quite simple (as far as finding and fixing heart problems can be called 'simple' that is) There were 10 spots on my right top chamber that were located and burned. *10* 10!!!!!!  That's a big deal.

Another big deal? The sedative didn't work on me. I metabolized it as quickly as they gave it to me! I was awake for the majority of the procedure. They kept giving me more and more...to the point where I remember the doctor (very loudly) saying - NO MORE, you have given her enough for three large men, we need to just stop.  I handled it well enough and only was scared at one point (when they were testing my heart and it was beating super fast due to the adrenaline they injected.)  But truly adrenaline rush and being tied down for surgery and in a strange cold room....I guess the natural reaction would be fear.  I was able to talk myself down (out loud, I clearly remember it) and breathe through it.

I was up and about the same day. I had to lay flat on my back for 6 hrs. No lifting my head and no moving my legs. It was hard to not lift my head more than anything else.

But, I am through it and better than ever. A few days of downtime and then up and att'em soldier!

an excuse for ink

A reason for more ink. When I get back up and moving I am getting a new tatt.  Now, where to put it.

p.s. It will be of my own heartbeat though, when it was off the charts!

surgery in a few hours (6 hrs 11 min to be exact) check in at 5:30 am.

Wish I could sleep

1 more day until....

She came over. She kept me company tonight. We made plans for a movie DAY, a whole day on Monday. We went down to the lake and watch the fire flies and ....snuck a kiss or a few minutes worth.... she told me she so badly wanted to just snuggle with me and make it better yesterday when I told her I couldn't stop crying yesterday.

I drank a beer or two too many. I have to be to work sooo early tomorrow... but it was so worth it. I am so glad tonight happened.

Bad day

I can't stop crying today

HNT!!! Say what? Yup!

So Os has pulled together another HNT
It is located at OHNT.

Follow THIS link and then follow his instructions :)

Congratulations

When you realize you want to spend the 

rest of your life with somebody, 

you want the rest of your life to 

start as soon as possible. 

 ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

Congratulations to Vixen and SM on their wedding day. May you have all you plan and more. 

I raise my glass and toast a happy life together for you. 

Vixen: Thinking of you today. I am positive you make an amazingly beautiful bride. 

That's my news....

You can check out a video HERE describing the procedure

Alright. Went to the doctor. I will indeed be having heart surgery. It is already scheduled for 5:30am on Friday, July 12th. I will be in surgery about 3 hrs. I will be in the hospital for 1 night. I will need to rest for about 3 days. I can than return to work without lifting. After about a week or two I should be good as new.

The picture describes the type of surgery I will be having. It is a Catheter Ablation. However the pic says it is for a.fib....I actually have Super Ventricular Tachycardia. 

I'm nervous, not gonna lie. BUT fail rate is 1%, and that is not death, but rather a pace maker. Success rate  is over 90% with the unsuccess being that they can't reach the spot in the heart that needs 'zapping' and will have to stop the procedure without solving the problem. 

SOOOOO, that's my news. What is new with you??

slow...but steady...maybe it's something, maybe not

tonight she curled my hair (still can't lift my arm up). It was so nice.
then we went out.
then back to her house...
to her couch....
nothing but a touch here or there.

but it was progress. I liked it

I told her I was crushing and I was sorry.

She said not to be sorry.

I told her good...cuz it's true.

Ok, fine

Ok fine......

It's kind of nice to have someone text you right back. Kind of sweet to hear them say nice things to you.  Kind of enduring to hear her say, "why didn't you tell me? I would have gone with you, I would have held your hand. 

Yeah, it's kind of nice indeed. 

Not nice? the fact that I slept so wrong for the last three nights that I can not lift my arm away from my side (even after an hr worth of chiro treatments from the two different docs in the office) that is not right at all. 

Also, went today for my "echo" on my heart. An ultrasound really. That will get sent to the bigger city a state over and I will go there Friday to meet with the electrophysiologist.  

title-less

A day later I am stuck thinking......
It's not going to be worth it.

It's not what or who I want.......

One kiss.....(not even a well executed one) is all I have invested. Maybe it is time to get out while the getting is good?

I'm not calling it yet. Just keeping it in mind.

But, OHhhhhh how wonderful it was to be smitten for a few days, to feel, think, imagine, maybe think that I may be wanted (by a young hot thing)

Watching the radar, but not calling the game yet

I just want to .....

"Oh my God, I don't know! I just want to fucking kiss you...NOW!"

.....and this is how are evening began. After an hour drive to the music festival and an hour walking around drinking, we stopped back at the car to regroup before heading into the festival grounds.

.....and that is what she said to me. So I said, "well then, you should probably kiss me!" ...and she did.

From there the night got a little away from us, but as always I take care of my own and we are ALL safe and sound at my house. Like a good service person, I believe "noone gets left behind" .

I did my duty, all I could do.  I am learning there are some 'quirks' to deal with or move on.... for now the potential of 'fun' has me 'dealing'

nn all

Invite

So she invited me over tonight. To discuss plans for this weekend. I brought a 6 pack. We split it. We talked, in her bedroom. This is apparently where she lives in this big old house, by herself....is in her bedroom. The rest of the house is basically unused. Sad, sort of.

We know what we are wearing, when we are leaving, what to do if it rains, and what vehicles we are driving which days. She will stay over night here on Friday night and who knows of Saturday...maybe then too  *huge smile*

Details were found out. She is messy (observation) - I am not (we all know this), She is younger than I thought *yikes* which has left me feeling old. She loves clothes, a lot of clothes - I shop second hand and have gotten over my clothing phase. I think we all need to go through one at some point though. She has 2 cats, me too! She is going to school for the same thing I went to school for, and she quit the same major I did! (weird). She is the youngest child, as am I..... just details.

Photo stolen from the web

I was invited to use her house any old time I wish, when I am waiting on kids etc. (which actually happens a lot btw) that was an invite I was excited to get. Always wanted a place in time I could pass time.

I am super excited for this weekend. I totally need the break. I hope the weather finishes up tonight (T-storms) and holds off until Sunday again. 1/2 chance it will rain, which leaves 1/2 that it won't. Right?!

An hour and 15 minutes passed quickly, but it happened. We don't really know each other after all. Friend of a friend we are to each other.

By the end of the weekend we may just be 'friends'. (without the "of a " in between)

Smitten

Oh my, I am smitten (as a kitten) I am certain it is just me being quite silly, and that is fine....I don't care.
Because this feeling (however, short it may be) is fabulous.
To feel...
To feel anything....again, is wonderful.

No real details right now, nor I am sure, will there be any (other the ones I make up in my head). But I do have a weekend with one heck of a cute someone.....at a music festival. (SOOO excited.)  Friday it will be hubby, her and I. But, Saturday it will be her and I all day until the last performer when hubby is hoping to make it back to town in time to join us.

As I said, I am sure it is nothing. But just getting to the festival, with a new friend to boot is going to be a weekend worth noting, regardless!

I'd rather have your day....or so it seems on FB

Today is one of those days where I need to remind myself that I am comparing my today to other's "highlight reel" as they say. I see people at the movie on the lakefront tonight, and going out to dinner with family, I see them on a trip to the cities, or spending the day/weekend at a beach and checking in at a state park. Others are posting pics of relaxing in the yard or the park.  I feel like I had such a waste of a beautiful day!!!

Reality of my day- I slept in a bit, got up and figured out quickly that the kids had some very real needs that needed dealing with today. Oldest needed to pick out his glasses before he left for camp so they could get ordered while he is gone.  Girlie only had 1 pair of shorts that fit and needed more. Oldest figure out he really only had three pairs of shorts that fit him as well. There were library books on hold that needed getting before the departure to camp and we were a bit shy on food and milk for the day (we forgot the milk btw).  Then we came home and made a late lunch. As much as I wanted to get working I was so tired I took a nap.  Slept for 1/2 hr before waking to the sound of my boys lighting off last year's fireworks.

Getting up I decide to continue with laundry. Folding and washing and hanging out to dry takes up the rest of my day. I do take a 1/2 break at 4 pm to tan for 15 minutes per side as I have yet to step foot into the sunlight more than running from house to work or work to do a chore around the yard. It has been raining and glum or I have been working.....

I start supper super late for our household and by the time we finish it, it truly is time for the boys to go to bed if they are going to read (which is their plan). Time to watch 1 tv show with husband, who falls asleep during.....and it is bedtime. A perfect day (weather wise) pretty much wasted on the triviality of life.

So when I turn on FB and see others not wasting it away it is impossible not to get jealous. Like - turn green with envy.....jealous! Sigh

This is why I am trying to remind myself that this is a Highlight reel vs reality moment.

It's so hard to lose the last 10 pounds.....

What if you always are working on "that last 10 pounds" ?  I never let myself get over 10 pounds from where I want to be, weight wise. This can be hard, since on any given day the body can naturally gain and lose 5 or so pounds through out the day...... BUT

I am finally close to where I was before those nasty meds packed on the pounds. I still can't get my rings on and keep them on comfortably. They are still swollen. Ack!  But, being able to get back into my jeans and now my shorts is a good feeling.

yawn

sometimes I think I get too tired to sleep. wound up on adreneline that my body feels it needs to keep up the fight/flight (my body seems to think both are necessary at the same time). sooo, brain and body, if you could kindly just calm down....I'D LIKE TO SLEEP NOW!

Me....right now......

overwhelmed  past participle, past tense ofo·ver·whelm (Verb)

Verb Bury or drown beneath a huge mass. Defeat completely.

Flu in June?

I'm sick. Allergies with a cold and cough with sore throat, but also with a fever and achy joints. I also have a fever. Who has flu like symptoms in June?

Soooo, I am going to get a Lymes disease test tomorrow (If I can get in). All of those are symptoms are associated with Lymes as is the irregular/fast heart rate.

Can't hurt to look into it.

Dang I feel awful!

Get your nose out of the air and back into your own damn glass...thanks!

Let me set the record strait - you drink wine, I drink beer. you look down upon my drink choice, I do the same to yours (shhhh, you didn't know that did you?!)

While it may sound more sophistocated to say,
" I'm going to have a glass of wine"
Instead of saying, "I think I'll have me a beer"

But, if you remember 6th grade health class, wine / a shot of alcohol/ beer have the same alcohol content



You are drinking spoiled grapes. I am drinking spoiled barely. It is like saying bread is low glass and grapes are not. I don't like wine. Plain and simple. Not at all. Nope. I have had wine so spendy they refuse to list the price and still found it to taste like vinegar (to me). Me drinking something I did not care for would be me faking who I am, and ummm...in case you haven't figured it out....I don't do that (anymore)

So stop looking down on my beer drinking self and stop worrying about what I eat or drink. Thanks.

p.s. I used to watch who ordered what as a bartender and trust me, I'll stick with the beer drinkers.


This is pretty great HERE

....seee, just like wine...but with barely
and this is kind of what I think of wine :

Don't think that you are the only one judging someone's drink choice...wrong!

Can a broken heart really be broken?

I have an appointment tomorrow for the cardiologist. My heart is fuber...it is true. Technically it is diagnosed as :

Paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia (PSVT)

It has been for years now. I finally was close enough to the ER one day to catch it on an EKG. That particular day they stopped my heart to try to get it to beat correctly. Wicked I tell ya! Not the best way to spend your day.

Sooo, two meds later (which left me 7lbs heavier, bloated, depressed, tired...so tired, and just 'down' feeling) I am allowed to go to the heart doc.

My question for him is going to be this- can a broken heart be the real cause?  ;)

My poor heart, I have picked it up and dusted it off so many times that I wouldn't be surprised if I did some real damage to it along the way. Emotional can become physical after all.

Seriously though, I am guessing he will suggest a procedure called an Ablation . Seems a bit scary, especially since if it fails you end up with a pace maker. BUT not having to deal with meds for the rest of my (hopefully) long life and not having to deal with my increasingly off beat heart.

I will update you soon enough. For now, I am going to humor myself for just a bit longer that it is indeed a true 'broken heart' vs faulty wiring.

Ummm...hmmm...now what?

2 friends divorced in the last year and three friends with new boyfriends (the one friend was already single) last married friend was struggling through the winter but seems to be pulling through the rough patch and trying to make it work, yet she is still dragging her heels some.

I'm just over here thinking.....hmmmm...I like beer?

Yeah, I don't know. I got nothing.......

Still married,
still too busy to see each other,
still every day life getting in the way when we are together

A rough end to an already long winter and me not feeling 'right' was stressful
Then our business kicks into high gear and the outside duties are overwhelming me.
Now that I am a weekend warrior and don't have all week to get things done, the pressure is on....
It's a pressure I don't like, nor am I dealing with well. I liked having the week to get things done and the weekends to do a few things here and there and getting the kids to work on a bit and then relaxing and being there for the business and my husband during HIS busy time.....

I am pulled a little tighter than I like.

My hands are so sore I couldn't grip a shovel if I had to...but wait! I have to, again, tomorrow...ugh.
I just started crying tonight. I was tired, my allergies KILLED me today and I had no food for the kids. I was too tired and dirty to make the trek into town and I just wanted to give up.

But, we are off track now aren't we......

New boyfriends.... my boss and his new girlfriend, my friends and their new boyfriends, Vixen and PC both engaged to their new mates and loving life now..... sigh.... everyone is so happy, and involved.  And I'm over here, like.....ummm..... hmmm.... now what?

Naps are good people

I have been insanely busy.....like, no time to breath busy....

I am however still on the mend from whatever virus plagued me for the past couple of weeks. So I am trying to sneak in a nap here and there, even if it is for 15-20 minutes. Just taking the time to lay down and regroup/rest has been helpful.

I so love a nap