Hurt or be hurt- is that the game?

I destroy myself. I do.

I keep things in my head, I work them around and rework them to the point of craziness. I then react to what is in my head vs the reality that is. I have been called passive aggressive, I think in reality it is hurt or confusion or loneliness coming out in true Midwesterner style (can't admit the true feelings).

When I finally jump on something and nip it in the bud I get kicked down anyway. Can't seem to win.
example: tonight I asked my mom not to call me Jules on FB. It is what my very closest friends call me and a nickname really. One I prefer she not use. I did this via p.m and she of course reacted, snapped really.  She said I was petty and hurtful.

So what do I do? Live with things in my head or get this reaction? Hurt others or be hurt. Ugh.

HNT Reunion-Finding a New Normal

HNT ended right as my life changed.
I started working after 11 yrs at home.
My life turned to work, running kids, home, chores and bed.
It is stifling me I have to say.
People and things in my life have shifted again as well
& GNO is no longer a regular thing
plus the weather is cold.

I am working on finding a new kind of normal, a new happy
I always come out on the top, I will again.
For now I find pleasures in the little things....like my little plot of land and all it holds.

I hope you are all well or working on being so.
Happy HNT

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end
may also be only the beginning.
~Ivy Baker Priest

Talkin, true blue, out in the woods, down home, country girl.

You will find the final shot at OHNT

HNT eve

Don't forget that tomorrow is a HNT reunion. 

Kind of hard to get away during school break to snap any kind of photos.

 But an idea struck me as I was doing chores.

Baby It's Cold Outside

you have it or you don't

Sexy is a state of mind. Really. The sexier you feel the more you dress, act, and look sexy. If you aren't "there" it quickly falls off. You either have it or you don't. Rarely can someone be sexy without knowing it. You can be good looking or wear clothing that is on the sexier side but the whole "sexy" thing is a vibe, a feeling, something you give off. Actions, clothing, the look in your eye.....it all goes together.

I lost it...... it's gone. 

Vaca....kinda

Done with work. Made it through- hang over and all (that's another story)
Now my time is my own.....or not.
I have to start getting ready for family to arrive Saturday night/ Sunday.

I think if everyone will just leave me alone, I will have NO problems!  In fact my hubby could take my family out of town and come back in time for company and I would do better (no one to come behind me and mess things up, noone who needed me to stop every 5 minutes for something)

I am going to seriously try to keep the panic and anxiety (and OCD) down (no cleaning drawers or lining washclothes up to face all the same way) I will be fine.

Alright, but first, sleep

T minus..... X hours

I work tomorrow and then I am off until the 2nd of January.....as long as the world doesn't end on Friday. If it does I will go down grocery shopping and cleaning- what a sucky way to die!  Alright, trying to keep the stress down of having family here on Sunday. *fingers crossed

meh....that's all...sometimes it is just....meh

I think I finished Christmas shopping. I got enough to fill the stockings, or at least fill them enough.  I am 1/2 done with cards and I have a few things left to make and send to the out of town friends. The tree is up and the Christmas music has been playing. We have even been to a few get togethers already.....But I am still not feeling it.

I think it's an adult thing. Too bad.

random pic I pulled from my files

Ahhhh shucks, Look what I found!

Going through my email and trying to empty out 

some of the 100+ pictures I have sent from my phone to my email

to deal with later
(which seems to be never)

I found a couple of keepers!

Like these pics

They were from our trip last year

Black Dress Night

It's FB, what more do you expect...right?

Seriously, I should just stay off FB some days! Some days I get argumentative, I get frustrated with how 'surface' we have become. People are stupid Jules, just remember that. Just stick to the surface. Stop.....just stop.  I need to get out more maybe? ....and I don't mean to work and running the kids and the grocer....ugh!!!!

You don't have a robe, you didn't go to school forever, you are NOT a judge.....

Listened to a great talk about judging people tonight....rather NOT judging them. I have to say of all the things I have heard in a church in my life, tonight's "testimony" was the best I've heard. I've given up judging people most times. I know too much now to know outward appearances and the face we let other's see is never right on. So......short version ------> DON'T JUDGE OTHERS

pic by BFD

 No Parking
 Keep Moving
Idleness will get you nowhere!!!!!! 
Move along, don't stop. 
Work, run, work some more.

 Until.......the engine starts to make some funny noises and then clunks and then stalls out at stop signs until she completely and totally won't start one morning.

That morning is tomorrow and that vehicle is me.

I am done. Tired. Overworked and overrun.  I am taking a few hours off. I need to. Or I'll end up in the human body shop- which we all know is never cheap, or timely!

When in doubt, post a picture

Or at least that is what I was told when I said I didn't know what to post about tonight.

Here it is. I miss Summer. I miss the sun, I miss the heat, I miss the water, I miss the long days, I miss sundresses, I miss Summer

Sweater Weather

'tis the season for warm fuzzy sweaters 

(and since our house is always very warm....little else)

Send me a pic.....she said. More boob she said

Soooo, yeah, NBD. Just what "he" is serving me for breakfast the text said
(with a picture of fresh fruit and mimosa and cheese).

I return a picture of my (now) cold coffee and my very very dry granola.
 I tell her I am late to work and this is all I got.

On the way to work I get another text that says something along the lines of ....
send us a pic, make sure it includes boobs.

Arrive at work, sneak into the back at first opportunity and snap this:

 

I send it off  shaking my head.  What reply did I get?
"  More boob!  "

Some people!  ;)

(needless to say, work got busy and no more pics were taken )

Photo bombed

I was photo bombed by my dog. Good thing she is so dang cute!

This can hardly be a blog worth reading anymore

Plan for today?
Get Christmas tree
Clean up the house (enough)
Finish folding the laundry
Put away laundry
Get Christmas decorations out
Start decorating.


Funny!   I started this post to complain about how much I didn't get done today...but looking at the list I just compiled, the only thing undone is the very last thing on the list.  I feel better.

Never Mind,
Nigh night

Photo Therapy

Jon knows just when I can no longer take "it" and he calls for an intervention of sorts...
plainly put---> PHOTO THERAPY
we walk or drive around and shoot photos of what we see or we take pics of me....something involving photography. It is a good time, the "session" goes from bitching, problem telling (a lot of patient listening by Jon), to me beating him a bit- a little tension release I guess-, to laughing by the end. It is always salve for the daily ailments of life.  Here are a couple of shots from the last 'back alley photo walk' we did. 

This is Jon.

The clicks are just bonuses- shot on my own for FB profile pics

zzzz....or not

The full moon can stop now because I really need some sleep. Of course, if my brain would shut off that would help too!

Not ok....But "I'm Fine"

I was struck with an overwhelming sense of sadness today. It seems like it came upon me for absolutely no reason, at least not ONE particular reason I could identify.  There are "things" of course, we all have that, but nothing I could pinpoint. But, man! It's hard to struck out of the blue like that.

I miss you, we haven't spoken in weeks. I need you. I think of you often, too often. I wish you were still mine.

Each new day brings a promise of a better tomorrow

copyright BFD 2012


Click for Halloween 2012

Random thoughts by Jules

People are realllllllly bugging me lately. I am sure it is because I am at the end of PMSing and it is starting to get cold and grey and blah here. But dang!

I miss my friends. I haven't seen them in a very very long time. I haven't seen L, one of my very bestest friends, in almost a month other than when she quickly said hi as she walked by at her work. That's super hard.

Thanksgiving was ok, but today was wonderful. The most relaxing day I have had at my own house in years.

I love naps

It is 10 degrees outside right now

My chickens are back to laying eggs

I think I have finally watched all the back episodes of Duck Dynasty, I can't seem to get enough of it

Why can't anyone replace the tp roll when it's out (including myself lately)?

Tomorrow the boys are heading up to the hunting shack to mark the trails for the dozer to come in and scrape them clear after the loggers finished up this Fall. Can't wait for those trees to grow back!

I need to get back on a routine at the gym, that will help my mood.

I love 1/2 price day at the consignment store.

I love my new c'boy boots that aren't so very new anymore- they are getting all broke in. Now I wish the same could be said for my new deer hide gloves

We drove home in a storm last night. People can live here their whole lives but give them the first 1/8 inch of snow and a little wind and they will drive like 14 yr old girls again. ugh! 

I loved dressing up for work all summer but find that I wish I could just wear jeans all winter. (since that is what I have done for the past 11 yrs) this is going to be hard!

The drama at work has hopefully died down for now

We booked a trip for our school's Spring Break- we are heading to Seattle.

yup.....that was random

p.s. don't type "random shit" under Google Image search unless you reallllly want a bunch of random shit to come up!

New tatt....Now I'm done......orrrrr not

I took the above design and gave it a twist.  I wanted a compass, but I have NO sense of direction so I took the N E S & W out. I took the anchor and flowers out but kept the tree (to match the one on my leg), I took the globe out since that doesn't really fit with my life either. I kept the bird but had it match my other birds.  I added a few swirls to go with the swirls on my foot.  Finally we twisted the whole thing to go with a tatting tradition from one of my favorite Great Lake towns.

I like it

I'm not your mama, I don't want your drama

I am about sick to death of the drama that one person/area (co-worker/work) is creating in my life. I have basically decided that people need to back the fuck off!  Damn!  Get your own life and stop making mine hell. If you are that miserable could you just drip your misery somewhere else? I don't want it!!!!!!

This is what I get for working in an office with all females and one male Dr.

Because there is no way to make poop attractive

Follow these links to see wth I am talking about:

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/the-other-16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

NBD Just packing meat

Not heat....meat

I spent the night packaging up:
200 lbs of meat

41-43 degree temps stands as a good motivator. I had to get that stuff into the freezer if mother nature wasn't doing it for me anymore. ugh. done, done and done

148 lbs of ground meat
60 pounds of chunked venison
2 packages of back straps.

done
done
done

Of course I could just go with this way of thinking"

or not

Cast of characters

I have an interesting cast of characters in my life.

Meet Alice- she is an artist, she paints with her fingers and makes a living doing so. She takes weeks to paint a portrait. This is for real.  She is a roller derby chick. While she is strong on the track she is pretty quiet and meek off from it. She is smart though. She likes historical fictions. She can be quiet but she is the one who every once in awhile gets loud and crazy and drunk and is such a blast. 

She is just one of my friends.

Bad timing and you don't always have to lead with your penis

Here is the hard core honest truth. Most woman will not tell you this. Most woman will flat out lie to your face (and then there is that smaller percentage that has the bigger voice and will deny this completely because it is not true for *them* but just because they make more noise does not mean it is true for all)

I (and as far as I have read) ,many other woman, have a very hard time cumming from sex alone. A penis in a vagina with nothing else going on kind of sex is very hard for me to enjoy much less cum from. There it is. I said it- BAM! It's true. Hell, half the time it hurts-ish.

My absolute favorite way to cum? Fingers- yup. Fingers in, fingers rubbing, fingers/hands on my body....fingers.  Maybe that is why sex with a he or she is just fine with me.
 (and maybe why the idea of a female is so much more enticing at times...no penis to worry about!)

The absolute best sexual experience lately involved no penis. Ohhhhhh there was one in the bed with me, it just didn't go anywhere that involved 'in'. No penis in the vagina, nor in my mouth, or my hand....it was just 100% attention given to me.

Selfish? Maybe....I don't care right now.  I am just laying it out there. The man's turn will come around. If I am treated to the fullest amount of pleasure possible I am not going to forget that and while my mind may be blurred for a few days and I crave more and more of the bliss I just had I will eventually regroup and return the favor and you will like it ;)

Tonight I was well on my way to an amazing orgasm, I was just on the edge and the fingers disappeared (far far too early) and the penis goes in. (pillow goes over my head to hide my lack of excitement for this) again I start to feel it,  (penis plus my own fingers assisting the process) and he pulls out........ugh....horrible timing again. I unknowingly was on the very edge....as he pulls out I cum. But not an earth shattering /enjoyable orgasm- a more..... oh! shit! I guess I am cumming, weak, alone, why the hell now....orgasm happens. Now I am disappointed, he feels bad- why didn't you tell me??? is said....I didn't know!!! is responded..... Yeah, sex isn't always good and penises aren't always wanted or needed

F'ing Filter

Here is the deal......real life calls for censoring one's self. If you do not control what you say, you will have problems. So as much as I would like to say what ever I want or post whatever I damn well feel like.....I can't always do so. Please know right now there is so much I wish I could share



but can't.  It wouldn't benefit others and in the end it wouldn't benefit me because of that. sigh....

Sometimes I wish I could just remove the fucking filter and go full out.

yes, that is all it takes

Sometimes all it takes is one exchange of words and everything is ok again. a quick little chat and the world seems right. funny how that works.
yes......

There is good, one just forgets to mention it

1)I got my new tatt....my rendition of a compass. It doesn't face North, hell it doesn't even have a N or E or S or W written on it. It involves a bird and a tree, and loopy design and filigree, as to "go with" my other tatts. I will post a pic when it heals up

2) I looked in the mirror today and thought- wow, I don't look half bad!

3) The house got cleaned this weekend and looks great. Thank you four day weekend. I felt comfortable for the first time in a  long time waking up this morning.  Now if only it would stay.

4) There is another long school weekend coming up. Hunting shack this time.

5) Football is wrapping up!  (basketball has a meeting tomorrow morn already- blah)

6) I am pretty on top of things right now.

See....... it's not all bad all the time.  I guess I just need a place to vent.

Sometimes I get it right....or at least not terribly wrong

no clicks

It's ok, I'm ok

I find myself tearing up. But honestly there is nothing wrong with me. Everyone tried to bring me down today. Noone succeeded.  I had the kids crying and whining and fighting this morning, the massage therapist at work getting snippy with me over using my computer (which she did in the middle of a transaction with a patient), my oldest getting snippy with me on the phone over a misunderstanding when to pick him up after practice, my youngest crying so very hard after his fball game because he was so very tired, my husband returning a poopy message after I texted "I miss you" and then the t.v. guy not coming to fix the box when I hurried home to be here by 6:30.  None of this was successful in bringing me down. 

But I truly believe I am just tired out. I came home from work with the intention of working on the laundry but I laid down for just a second to rest and woke up 2 hrs later when my youngest got off the bus. I could fall right back asleep right now.  My throat hurts, my feet hurt and I am sore. 

But the yard and outside look awesome and it is so nice to drive up here and not be stressed I watched my youngest make some awesome moves in his lil fball game (including tackling a boy 20 lbs heavier than he is- my boy is the lightest weight boy on the team...hell my kids are the lightest weight period) and got to hear about my oldest making a TD and a pick in his scrimmage (I missed it thinking he just had practice) . 

I am going to quick clean up the kitchen enough to survive tomorrow morn since I work at 7ish and to get the clothes out of the washer and then I am heading to bed to read.  http://www.edgarsawtelle.com/

Feeling better

I had a very productive weekend.  I got almost everything that I wanted to get done....done.  The only things I did not finish had question marks behind them on my to-do list.  If I get them done, great...if not...oh well.  (wash windows and prune raspberry bushes) there are a few things left for hubby to do ...but all in all I feel far better about things at the end of this weekend then I did last weekend.

My feet hurt. Wish I would have put the beer in the fridge earlier. It is not cold yet.

All of this work done and I made great lunch/suppers both days. Tonight- home made beef soup with homemade bread and cheese....mmmm.

and that is why I am tired

It was nice today. Really nice. About 52 degrees!
I got the entire yard mulched. The leaves had been over ankle deep. It took me almost all day long to do so.
The tree guys came today. They cut the damaged trees from the July storm, the trees that we couldn't get w/o risking our lives.  Then they ground over 25 stumps around our yard. Not all were from this year. Some have sat to almost the point of rotting by themselves.  I also had my oldest take care of many of the things around the house while I did so.  Winterizing the veggies was a big part of what he did. 

The only other thing I had time to do (beside make lunch and supper and clean up in between) was repot 2 plants and get a few outside things stored in an outbuilding and then close it up w/ plastic

So much more to do tomorrow.

The days are getting shorter and the nights are getting cold.  

This morning as I pulled out of the dirt road onto the county road I was to turn left

but this amazing color was casting off from the lake. 

It caused me to turn right instead. 

Camera in hand I spent many many minutes just watching the sun rise.

It was lovely.

As this distracted me from my "Life" it reminded me 

of what LIFE is really about.

Finding beauty when ever and where ever we can




Time to start tanning again. Just for a bit of warmth ;)

Busy and cold, but mostly busy

I am just too busy.  I don't like it.  I don't seem to have a moment that isn't filled with doing something. Yesterday I took a break and watched t.v. I was sitting down even.  But, I had to work myself into a panic on Sunday to afford myself that hour and a half I took the next night and I also had to make up for it today. 

Stood outside watching son's fball game tonight. It was 33 degrees with stints of snow and rain. I was underdressed and cold. I can't keep it in my head that he has games every Tuesday and some Thursdays.  I called myself a bad sports mom tonight. But as I waited for my kid to get out of the locker room after picking my other child up already from Tae Kwon Do and was about to head to get my oldest from his Fball practice where he stayed late to oogle over volleyball players.....I saw moms rolling in to the lot to pick up their kid. They weren't standing on the side lines cheering or freezing.....I don't suck!  I'm too hard on myself *as always

The weather is turning too cold too fast and I am afraid. I am afraid I won't get the leaves mulched up. I don't know how or when I am going to be able to plastic the outbuildings by myself- at least I got the supplies today.  I always do this stuff but I have always been a SAHM.

Somedays it all seems like too much.

It's true

I sure do like taking pictures of people.  I may not be the best at it, but I bring to the table things that my partner doesn't.  While he can make a light box work for him in a way I never could I can make people open up and smile.....for real. 

It puts me in a good mood. This is true.

And then I saw a heart.....in the middle of nowhere

copyright BFD
Chapter Two

just a bit

about sums it up

Very bad weather cancelled sports tonight and I got to stay home.
A much needed break and a nap and I feel a bit more human.

Being average.....'nuff said

Did you know that the average couple has sex 3-4 times a month?
Just being average

'Nuff said

Me

GNO
Probably the last weekend that shorts will be appropriate, so I went for it
Of course I kept my boots on 

It's ok, I'm ok

Just busy or not busy but feeling like I should be?  I work 4-5 mornings a week which more and more creep later and later. I don't have much time from the end of work until the kids are done with school.  I am then running them to their activities and dinner has become a thing of the past. I think my youngest ate hotdogs all last week.  I suck! That is just not o.k.  People would kill for my work schedule yet they don't understand all I have to do outside of work...sigh....inhale/exhale.

I went out last night. The first time in weeks and weeks. L left early because she is in the middle of divorce and decided that a couple near us looked too happy.  I only like to be out if she is out.  I stayed out for a bit more but it ended with me going home wondering if I had fun.

I am only up now because I am finally folding the laundry from over a week ago so that I can wash and fold this week's laundry.  Basically I needed the baskets to put the freshly cleaned clothes in (vs the week old clean clothes)

I am doing pretty good at making it to the gym and I have been pushing myself a bit harder.  I was able to button up a pair of shorts last night that I couldn't pull up at he beginning of the summer. But, because I am me, I made myself remember when not that many years ago they were my loose shorts  :(

I am lonely. I miss my connections with people I used to have. But things change.  Lots has changed

BUT, I'm ok.  and it's ok

I want a new tatt....... (says she daily)

Yes, it will happen. I think I will make the appointment today....err....maybe tomorrow. Always tomorrow. sigh..... Did you know that there is a national tattoo convention in Vegas?  Of course they do - right!  This is my latest idea.  I still want a compass, but can't find a good example. *grumble * grumble *

Ohhh ohhh ohhh how I wish I could sleep in on Mon, Wed, and Fridays when I don't work until later.  Sigh.  Nooo, I must get up and be mom.  I must get up and herd the kittens out the door to the bus stop. They must be outside no later than 7:07am.  So here I am up.  

Off to the gym with me.  Might as well feel good about being up- right?

But ohhhh my bed was so so warm this morning.

I do have an opinion, just not what you may be thinking

What is my stand politically? You really want to know?
First of all I truly can not wrap my head around the whole political system, much the same way that Mathematics confuses me. It truly doesn't make sense to me....who does (or doesn't) do what and what each person and branch is responsible for. Secondly, I may tend to lean more to the right than most of my friends, but that doesn't mean I call myself Republican, nor would I ever say I was a Democrat. I voted for all three parties during the last major election. I believe in God but that does not define ALL of my political decisions. What is going to effect my children's future, especially the educational system drives my voting decision more than anything else, especially since that is also my husband's career.

I truly believe that nothing will ever get solved politically because if there is a Democratic president the republicans work hard to pigeon hole and stalemate everything to pro

ve how ineffective the Dem party is and Dems do it to the Republicans when they are in office just so they can elected the next term (after proving that the other party obviously couldn't accomplish anything!) I also feel like the only things that get passed are for the betterment of those serving in government (notice they always get paid and pay raises and paid vacation times and paid after serving and and....).

I think if our nation was the size of our states it would be easier to run (like some European countries), we the people want vastly different things depending upon where we live, how we were raised and who we are.  There is no way all people can be pleased, so someone / groups of people are always going to be unhappy. I think our nation is in a sorry state and I don't foresee any one person reversing that anytime soon.

I find it sad that Detroit no longer makes my steel or that the Midwest no longer supplies my grain. "Made in China" is stuck to the bottom of far too many things...since when are nails (for construction) a product of China? sigh....
This is just the tip of what I am thinking, but enough for now.

I do have a political opinion but it is not necessarily what you are thinking.

A Garden, tea, and me- a picture post

Just old

I went out last night. I had a good time. But I woke up this morning thinking-damn!  I'm old.

sigh......

Yeah. That sucks.  Where did that huge burst of confidence go I had last Winter? 

I'd like it back

I did

Camping

It's how I relax