LOVE

All I am going to say is I LOVE having something to look forward to

LOVE it!

yay!

FFI

And...here we go!

1. Summer is made for experiences.

2. The dead inside person is unchanged ...trust me, I know.

3. Aargh! I'd f a pirate- so long as he didnt breathe on me.

4.Regrets  in the morning.

5. Seven: is not an even number,  but that doesn't mean it can't be lucky.

6.I mean, come on.... don't you think?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a fun summer family fun night_, tomorrow my plans include not sure that I have 'plans'  and Sunday, I want to relax, hang out and do nothing!

Pump my stomach or arrest me

Going out for my friends birthday party. So very excited. If we have more fun then we did last year I will have to have my stomach pumped or end up arrested  ;)

pic via Vi.sualize


I'll update you later

For that I'm sorry- HNT

I took the first pic this Spring

(with my cell phone obviously)

I recognize this as my Chiropractor's bathroom

I just found this pic on my phone ...... I like it

The click?...well, I miss her

and am so entirely happy for the time we had together

But

 I told her I'd call this morning and didn't

even g'friends screw up sometimes.

 

TMI Tues. and I have my period......(yeah- see, it is TMI)

TMI Tuesday

1. Why do you go to the movies?
a. To feel
b. To think
c. To escape
d. To enjoy the air conditioning

2. In the last six months, have you viewed more movies at home or at the movie theatre?
At home for sure! (Thank you Netflix).  I rarely get to the theater.  

Although Vixen and I did go to a movie the last night she was here, it was the late showing and I had thought maybe *ahem* we could..... yeah- so anyway.  It was her and I and this other couple (younger boy girl kinda couple) it was virtually impossible to touch Vixen w/o them seeing so not much occurred however the few cheesy jr. high style lean ins I did get in I noticed that the girl's head was missing....it didn't take me long to realize that it was in the boys' lap...she was giving him a b.j.!!!! hahaha!  During a funny-ish part at the end the boy laughs loudly- more a Ha Ha Ha sound then a laugh....yep he came 

 
3. What was the last movie you watched at home? At the theatre?
at home it was Hot Tub Time Machine and at the theater Vixen and I watched Thomas Crown


4. Which do you enjoy most in a movie?

a. Two beings battling to death such as Godzilla and Mothra (or any foe), Gladiator

b. Car chase scene such as Ronin, Fast & the Furious

c. Major heist such as Italian Job, Ocean's Eleven, Snatch

d. Epic battle scene such as Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings: Two Towers

 

 just a reminder to enjoy the summer weather

5. In your opinion, which movie(s) have the best or most enjoyable sex scenes?

 The dramatic movies tend to have good sex scenes, the boy meets girl movies are too fluffy for really good- throw you around kind of sex.

6. Which of these is your favorite Hollywood movie plot?
a. Boy meets girl

b. The Jesus Story (apocalyptic; someone is saving the world)

c. Fish out of Water

d. Buddy movie

7. What is your favorite movie genre? (Thriller, comedy, action/adventure, drama, mystery, fright, etc.)
Romantic comedies is what Netflix says I like most.  I also like action/thrill/drama movies.

8. In movies, what makes you cry?

a. mistreatment of a prime, likeable character

b. gushy, mushy romance (e.g., marriage proposals, couple finally proclaim their love)

c. very scary jump-out-at-you, make-you-pee-your-pants scenes

d. anyone or anything dying

Bonus: What is your favorite movie? Why?
My favorite movie has been P.S. I love you
I like a good come back, find your own strength kind of stories
Where the girl character becomes "ok" after life throws her

Warning: This is for the girls out there 

Well I guess if you are a guy and you get that phone call from your gal saying "can you stop at the store for me.... I got my period" then this is for you too
on the topic of TMI, I have my period.  Got it on Sunday afternoon actually (for those of you keeping track! ha!) I can only use tampons for the last part of my period (anyway) I have found these new pads and really I gotta tell you, if you have to wear pads and have not tried these they are totally worth the money and I am NOT being paid to say this, hell I am not even receiving free product to say it.  I am saying it because it is true.  I have always wanted to be the Behr Paint spokeswoman, I now also want to be the Infinity by Always pads spokeswoman..... yeah- ok, maybe that is odd....but I really have to say these pads are amazing.

Favorite pic-what you miss from FB

I seriously love this pic.  I took this pic for a series I was doing on FB.  It was 'an evening in my life' and I took real time pics of what I was doing that night. It made even me tired to see all I do in a short time. 

This pic however has to be my favorite- a rare moment where I relaxed in a bath (which I never do anymore). I thought I'd share it with you.

Pic of me

If I were a cartoon, I think I would look like this  :)

uhhhhh....what? oops

Just getting back from an extended stay at the lake.
Pop onto email and think something seems off.....oh wait..... I know!

There are NO comments on my HNT.  what? I didn't think it that bad..... wth?

I go onto Blogger and see that my scheduled post did not post as scheduled.
Well shoot!

I guess I'll have to post 2 pics this week to make up for the error.

sorry.....BFD

Babble in Bullets and TMI Tues.

First if you didn't read yesterday's post, please do, and offer a fellow blogger some support.

Vixen heading into airport~leaving

*I miss the old days of blogging, I miss the community that used to be here (and probably still is.....I'm just not around as much and the people I was 'friends' with aren't so much either)
*I'm not sure how I had so much time to blog.  I guess since I felt obligated to sit at home with my youngest before he went to school, I felt I had time.  I have more time now I suppose I just don't feel obligated to sit and therefore I feel guilty for doing so.
*I am getting worried again about finding a job this fall, the steam on my project is fizzling and I am not a great self motivator when it comes to making it work on my own I guess
*It has been hot this week- heat index in the 100's. It is fun to live in a place that has heat index and wind chill all within about 4 months of each other.
*I can't believe how fast this Summer is going.  It has been filled with sports and I personally am not happy about that....but I didn't sign them up for them either. That said, I think it is ironic that I am the one running them all over the area getting them to these events- taking up my summer too
*We are going camping- maybe as early as tomorrow (if there are spots available)
*I miss Vixen, it was wonderful to have her around.  I feel such sorrow for her- she lost one of her fur babies....her precious Phoebe.  If you could pop over and console her that would be nice.
*I had a great birthday and don't feel any different about being 38 than I did about 37.  Maybe because I have finally surrounded myself with wonderful woman who make 35-40+ look amazing .
*I haven't picked up my camera for so very long.  It is just another part of losing me...it happens slowly until I am so far into it I am fighting my way out........ and losing
*Hubby is mad because I haven't let him touch me in a long time.  BUT I had a U.T.I. and then treated that with antibiotics, which of course gave me a yeast infection (nasty I know, but it happens) and am now just getting over both.  (just in time for my period) there was nothing sexy or tempting about any of it- soooo yeah.
*I am so happy to have found that Netflix added Ali McBeal to their Instant watch queue.  I am NOT happy that they are going to up their fees come this Fall.  I will have to drop the DVD option....sigh.  (Blockbuster, seems you may not go out of business after all)
*I guess that is all for now.  babble over

pic by Vixen

of my friends on my bday night

as we switched bars

REGRETS
TMI Tues.

What was the last thing you regret buying? 


What was the last sex toy you regret buying? Since I get most of mine through the review process I have only bought a few... none of which I have regretted. 

Briefly (sorrrry, it's not brief) describe a time that you had sex, and you should not have. Why did you do it? 

Ughhh there was this guy who was a bouncer at a truck stop bar (I know....it already sounds awful) I used to go there to sell roses (one of my jobs at the time- going from bar to bar with a basket of roses selling them to the bar customers) So I would see this guy 2 times a week.  We would talk and flirt.  Well, one night I got his number.  I then finished up my shift and ended up back at the bar where I was a bartender.  I already regretted my decision and went home with a cocktail waitress named Sarah and her boyfriend Matt.  I had in the process gotten very drunk......  after passing out on Sarah's couch she comes up and says I had called this guy from her phone (there were no cell phones really) and he was here to give me a ride home.  I knew I didn't want to go, I told her I didn't want to go, Matt came out of the bedroom and said 'don't go then, I'll get rid of him'. BUT I felt soooo bad for calling him and him driving to the next town over to get me etc etc etc that I ended up leaving with him which turned into me going to his house which ended up being some of the most awful sex ever. (I remember him at one point saying 'I could do this all night' and I thought 'ohhh God, please no') in the morning all I wanted to do was get out of there.  As I waited in the kitchen for him to get ready to take me home a girl came out of the bedroom- said 'hi' - and made her way outside.  Then an older gentleman did the same thing. When I asked this guy what the deal was he told me that he rented out to a Professor who taught a few days a week here and that she was his girlfriend.  His wife however (who lived in a different town with their family) had no clue- sooo keep it quiet.  It was the first time I had ever faced infidelity AND horrible sex that I regretted.  It was the most awful experience.

As to why I did it?  I felt obligated.  I often felt obligated to have sex in college.  I STILL feel that way a lot of times to this day in my marriage.
 
If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I think I would have stayed 23-26 somewhere in there.  I got married then, but I was JUST in the middle of the best time of my life.  I felt I had to settle down, that I was getting old and that it was the right time.  Looking back I would have stayed single longer.  I was old enough to be done with school and working but young enough to be out and having fun and enjoying life.  My body was young and tight and I wasn't afraid (of anything) yes. that was a good age.

 Vixen and I as we waited in the airport

A good friend's significant other flirts with you; would you tell your good friend?

NO, end of story.  I wouldn't tell because *I* am a flirt.  I know that sometimes we flirt just for fun, not for intention.  Now if the s.o. was flirting with intention then I would deal directly with him- save her the heart ache.

What is your greatest professional regret? For example: Promotions you did not accept; Internship opportunities you did not pursue; Inventions/ideas you did not share.

Dropping out of school to follow my now husband to Colorado.  Can I say I regret it 100%? NO. Everything happens to get us to where we are today, but that single decision has altered my professional ability forever.

pic of my friend 'A' and I dancing on my bday night 

(I have the white dress on)

Bonus: What is your biggest regret?
My biggest regret...... Letting myself die inside right away in my relationship/marriage.  Becoming the person I thought I was suppose to be vs the person I was/am.  I thought because of the committed relationship, the professional job I got after moving across country with my now hubby, and his profession that I had to PLAY that role.  I became someone.  I stayed and perfected that role for almost 13-15 yrs.  When I realized just how dead inside I was I fought to break out and find me again.  I can not blame my hubby for being confused and unhappy with it all.  I had been a certain person/way for a good part of our life together and he helped shape that person..... I regret letting myself lose me.  I still fight that battle.  It seems to be easier just to give in some days 

Guest Post-Please offer some encouragement to my friend

 

I am a 40-year-old man has a held a secret for way to long. It is a secret that I have been able to push deep away, only to surface when adversity hits me hard.

Adversity like when my first girlfriend ended our relationship after 8 months when I was 18. Or, adversity like when my second wife left me with three young kids to raise in 2004. Both heartbreaking and devastating, however, nothing the normal person hasn’t had to go through at some point in their life.

The latest adversity to hit me was to find out via email three weeks ago that I was not rehired back as a teacher after working at the same school for 17 years. Working at the school was my sanctuary, the one constant in my life that I could always depend on and lean on. Unlike the different women in my life, the school had never failed me or rejected me in any fashion. That all changed with one email.

All three of those times of my life led to him surfacing once again in my life. Each time he has come back to me, I wanted to run away and escape. And, each time led me to attempt to take my own life.

However, now is the time for me to face him head on and finally move past what he did to me so long ago. After being released from the hospital Tuesday night at 3 a.m., I walked the two miles to my home resolved to never let him have the control over me he has had for way to long. I am finally ready to talk about it, ready to stop blaming myself, and ready to finally move on.

BFD… thank you for letting me share my story with your readers. Thank you for being a true friend even though we have never met in person. And, thank you for letting me begin my healing process on your blog.

Here is the story of 5-year-old who wasn’t big or strong enough to protect himself. And, unfortunately, here is the story of a kindergartner whose mother failed him when he needed her the most.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Without fail, he's there. Waiting, hands clasped together in his lap, and wearing a Cleveland Indians hat with dirty blonde hair hanging in front of his eyes.

The bus driver waiting patiently, finally gets up and walks me off the bus.

The cold Ohio winter air hits my face as I step in snow blackened by car exhaust. As soon as I hit the sidewalk, he acts as if he's like an older brother, summoned to walk me home.

There is no conversation between us, just two people heading to do something that only he wants to be done. The walk is short, yet, I go at a snail pace to put off the inevitable.

As we get closer, I hope and pray that my mom is outside on the porch, waiting for her middle child to get home from school. Like most days, she is not and he continues to guide me toward a small pathway between our houses.

There, hidden from the street, is an igloo that has a small entry into a deep hole that holds both of us comfortably. The igloo was built simply to give him the privacy he needed. Equally important, the igloo also provided him with the carrot to get me to go with him in the first place.

"Hey.... You want to see this cool igloo? Come on and take a look at it. You can play in it any time you want. It's as much yours as it as mine. Ok?"

After the first time going in there, I never wanted to go back. However, it was a place I was in three to five times a week the winter I lived in Ohio.

All visits there started and ended the same way. Him, 14 years my senior, throwing me head first into the igloo, and quickly moving in behind me. Next came him violently pulling my pants down to my knees, while pushing my head into the snow to quiet my cries.

Full of rage over his continued lack of success of being able to penetrate the kindergartner who was under him, he punches me in my side repeatedly. After his anger subsides, he is resigned to pleasure himself in my presence.

A short time later, I feel him landing all over my backside, then flipping me over to slide himself in my mouth. The end is nearing as he aggressively turns me over and pushes me back and forth deep in the snow to wash him off me. Satisfied that he has cleaned me up, he quickly dresses and begins to head out. Reaching the opening, he turns back and says the same words I hear every time he takes me, "You better not tell anyone!"

With him gone, I wipe the combination of snow and tears from my face, pull my pants up, and get up to go home.

At home, mom is in a drunken sleep on the couch and I go straight to my room to find solace of the isolation from the outside world. Then, I go to sleep, hoping never to wake up.

I am finally ready to stop being ashamed about what happened to me, ready to stop blaming myself, and ready to get help.

I woke Wednesday morning four hours after I was released from the hospital. I quickly dressed, drove straight to a local Psychiatrist’s office and filled out paperwork to allow me to start to get help. My first session is still two weeks away, yet, I feel confident that I can make it on my own until then.

I am ready to stop running from him. Ready to finally take away the biggest thing he took away from me: the ability to control my own life for the first time.

He will no doubt come back to me in my mind. I am not naïve enough to think that this process is going to be an easy one. There will be hard days and more tears to come.

But, sooner rather than later, I really believe I will finally be free of him.

NOTE FROM BFD:  This post was emailed to me from a long time blog friend.  I received a message on FB saying he needed my help.  I replied and waited for an answer, yet I knew something must be up so after an hr w/o a reply I called him up (yes, I have a few bloggers I actually talk to).  He was a mess (I have talked to him when he was up and when he has been down, but this may have been the furthest down I have encountered.  )  The day after I talked to him he got messed up and was finally at rock bottom...  I truly <3 this man and am behind him 100%, if anyone deserves to pull it together and succeed it is he. 

Bloggers used to be the strongest knit group of people I knew- let's see if we can pull behind a fellow blogger like we all used to. Link if you want, pray for him, leave kind remarks of support, but please, please offer my friend some encouragement. 

Thank You, BFD 

I have a gypsy soul to blame

pic of and by BFD

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then

She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change

Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

(born for leavin')

~ZBB~

And...here we go!

1. I hold some things close to my heart, and can't seem to share them even with my bestest of friends (past or present) so it seems as though I am lying, when really I am keeping it to myself for myself.

2. Myself is someone I like to travel with because we rarely fight.

3. That day, that I gave up, I'd like to see that one played out movie style.

4. Changes will happen this year.

5. Trust few.

6. Sometimes I don't mind being in the dark.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out at home, tomorrow my plans include a lake day!  and Sunday, I want to stay inside in the AC!

 snapshot by me on the way out the door this past Easter

~ we lived with intention~

Go here and play this song- then read 
Another version is in the sidebar
-----> right over there

We lived

it was only a weekend

but the minutes were not wasted

 *click*

"living eulogy.
she danced.
she sang. she took.
she gave.
she loved.
she created.
she dissented. she enlivened.
she saw. she grew. she sweated.
she changed.
she learned. she laughed.
she shed her skin.
she bled on the pages of her days,
she walked through walls,
she lived with intention."
— Mary Anne Radmacher

Sometimes things just don't make sense- we broke up

 I just can't do this.

I thought I could

I tried

I love you, but this can't work in my life right now

She may as well have said 

" it's not you, it's me" 

or

"we can still be friends"

Today at lunch she broke up with me

We are done.....

*sob*

That's all

I don't know when I'll be back

I need time

(3 pics from Vi.sualize/ 1 from cell phone)

DID YOU CLICK???

Happy

It's my Birthday (#38)

no clicks (yet) 

Just a note to day

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

I am 38. No qualms in admitting that- nope.  

That is me, and proud of it.  yep.

Carry on

More than nekkid- exposed. Two sleeps.....

2 sleeps

That is all that is left

2 sleeps 

and she will be here!

It will have been 8 months and 3 days since I last saw here.

A day rarely goes by we don't 'talk' one way or another

But it is time....time for her to be here.

2 More sleeps....

thank you PC for making this possible

Pics via We <3 it

"Click Pics" from our last time together

I do believe these pics have been unseen

They are very exposing. Be kind.

Late......Hnt

I am going to be a bit late getting my HNT posted tonight.  I will be back- after hubby is in bed.  Pinky swear.

TMI Tues.

1. If you could clone yourself, what part of your duties would you hand over to the the clone:  (pick one)
a. Paying the bills
b. Cooking
c. Having sex with your significant other
d. Going to your job on your behalf

2.When you are performing oral sex on a lover is it generally:
a. Because you are trying to warm them up and have it lead to intercourse
b. You love to give oral pleasure
c. They want it, so you oblige but don't really like it
d. You like to worship cock or pussy

3. What part of  love making does your partner speed through?
a. seduction
b. foreplay
c. the deed itself

4. What part do you wish they'd speed through?
 Usually none of it

5. Who is the last person to grab your ass? When?
 My husband- about 20 minutes ago

Bonus: Describe your partners/lover/plaything/significant others penis or pussy in 10 words or less.
None of anyone else's business .....  there that was only 5

Don't forget about TFT , it is up every Tuesday. You can look at boobs and moobs and not get in trouble!

She's a firecracker-Happy 4th

We shot off our fireworks tonight since the kids have activities bright and early on Tuesday morning.  Having a sis - in - law that runs a stand sure does help.  The kids had a great time, and the neighbors even came over to watch at one point.  Me, nervous mom, finally made all the kids sit down and made hubby light them .  One more family day in the weekend and then back to a routine.  I'm ready. 

Beach Day/ Lake Day

Off to the beach today

A lake day is in order

Now, which suit to wear?

pics from vi.sualize.us