Life Death and all the Sh!t inbetween

That about sums it up.....

Life 

Death

and 

all the shit in between

Sexual Dreams

Some Days I Wonder

Vi.sualize.us

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DREAMS
I have been having the MOST vivid sexual dreams as of late.  I am not sure why, I rarely dream of anything sexual.  Not only are these dreams vivid, intense, and erotic but I am aggressive in them, super aggressive.  We are talking about throwing the person I am with up against walls, biting my way up their neck, making them lean back as I go between their legs, directing-insisting-forcing-power in my hands. (very unlike me)

This afternoon my dream played out like this:  I was in a store with someone, alone at night.  I threw them against the display shelves as products fell down around us and had my way with them on the check out counter, I then placed them on the floor as I poured and licked honey off from their midsection.....damn! I woke up breathless.

Also, when I wake up I don't forget or space out these dreams.  I am not foggy about what they were or how they played out, and there is no doubt what they meant.  I'm not sure how much longer I can handle them

Do you have sexual dreams?

It's Happy and It's Sad- a birthday (It's hard when it's both)

I wrote this post for my old blog

Picture of my girls
drawn from a picture taken in
the delivery room

Today is my Girlie's 10th birthday
It is also the 10th anniversary
of the passing of her twin sister
A.L.

How she has grown!

Comparing hand prints(two yrs ago)
with A.L.'s - taken in the hospital

At least once a year we head to the cemetery.
We go in good spirits.
To celebrate our girlie's life.
She too could have easily not made it.

The cemetery is about 2 hours from our house.
It is in the country on a dirt road.
It is a very old Finnish cemetery- for the Finnish settlers to America

There are flowers scattered everywhere.
Lilac bushes surround the yard, and are here and there through out.
A.L.'s grave is under one of these lilac bushes

Years ago we put a birdhouse in the lilac bush.
Every spring we clean it out for a new birdie to take residence.
This year it was suspiciously packed full up with sticks and fluff.
When I pulled out the "nest" this little fellow fell out.
It was a cold day and he was not too happy to have his house disrupted!

Although it is a sad occasion to think of a child's life lost

We know that we have to celebrate the life

that was given to us

Happy Birthday my girl!!!!

So happy you are here with us.

.

Misc...What do you think? and pitter patter

 A friend sent me this cartoon lady saying it "totally reminds me of you".  I don't know.... for those that know me- what do you think?  For those that don't- maybe it paints a picture of me ???? (btw, my hair is NOT that long)


This man makes my heart pitter patter



FFI:
1. Ooooh, I hurt on the inside today.

2.Not knowing when, where, how, or if......... , I can't stand it!

3. How the heck did I end up with so many pieces of costume jewelry.

4.The great lake area closest to me  is one of my favorite places to visit.

5. I'm not good at keeping our financial situation in check , I'm not!  (checkbook balanced, bills paid on time etc.  no bill collectors or anything- just not on top of it like I should be)

6. ___________ it has to be good.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to bedrest, tomorrow my plans include bedrest and Sunday, I want to get out of the house!

I had a hard time with #6- hell, all of them I am sure sound dorky this week....  BUT, what would you say for #6??

Ohhhhh and a thought for the weekend, this is sexy as hell:
purrrr

from HERE

Nothing sexy about this- scar pics

This is very unlike me, but here I am showing my scar off.  

I had absolutely no plan of doing this  

(had I, believe me, it would have been a much much better picture) 

This is a quick snap shot with the laptop cam.  

If you notice on your screen right (my left) 

there is still bruising and I am holding down

my still very swollen abdomen 

Healing is a slow process

I took the last of the steri strips off yesterday

The infection seems to have dried up

and shaving is something still off in the near future.

( Ha Ha! It almost looks like I am showing off my beer belly  ;)

WARNING- the click is a day after surgery picture

it is NOT pretty and it is a bit tummy turning

Thanks for your kindness in your comments

Oh ewwwww- FML

Forgive me if this doesn't make any sense- highly dosed on pain meds right now/ no plan on editing ....
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My  surgery was two weeks ago today, I got out of the hospital one week ago today. 
Yesterday my incision was looking 'mucky' (is the word I was using)
I cleaned it off and put some salve on it.

This morning I noticed that again it was 'mucky'.  (Dried puss, and itchy, in need of cleaning)
I went to the bathroom to tend to it.  My stomach is swollen still from the procedure, so I had to push in on my stomach to see the incision area (my C section scar is the area they used).  After I got the build up cleaned off and gave my tummy one last push to check that I got it all  a big stream of yellow runny tinged with blood goo shot out of a spot (that obviously hasn't healed together yet) it shot so far it hit the bathroom mirror *gag*ewwww*gross*seriously?*

pic from image search- not my actual incision

A slight panic set in.  I called Vixen on the phone- someone, I need to talk to someone!  (don't you those digits  *wink*)   After calming me down the way she can I called the nurse who called the doctor. 

An infection (no kidding huh?!)  A high dose of antibiotics are called in....but I am left with the instructions to squeeze and coerce as much of the goo out of my incision as I can.  I squeeze and push, and shift and ooze out the goo. 

'Breathe, don't pass out......  you need to do this' I coach myself through

Thinking I got it all out I laid back down and continued watching my Netflix (God bless that service best $ I spend all month),  However , I am home alone today dealing with not only myself but two very sick boys.  I stood up to help one of them and a gush of yellow goo ran down my leg.  FML!  this sucks.

Ohhhhh and my Tylenol3 (with codeine) I am not allergic to. 
That only leaves me with Vicodin - nothing like the potential of becoming a pain med addict.

Oh and just so you know, the Vicodin makes me weepy and acts pretty much like truth serum.  yeahhhhh great.  

I miss being touched

Not enough middle fingers

Some days I just want to say Fuck You
Sometimes two middle fingers are just not enough

To you who think you have ownership
To you who thinks they can tell ME what to do
I just want to say Fuck You

Fuck you and your 'knowing'
because you are so unknowing it is almost humorous
Fuck you and your 'self righteousness'
because really it only evokes pity
if you only knew the whole story, the truth

You make assumptions, never really asking
you have it wrong.

But, really, I am done with it and I am done with you

so .....

Fuck You

.....and yet, there I was turned on.......NSFW

First, push play over there ---------------->

Song for the post "touch yourself"

Keep reading....

it's worth it  ;)

1. New experiences and possibilities are thrilling to me.

2. Taking an unexpected turn on a daily walk could quite possibly change your whole perspective, day, or even life.

3. I'm looking forward to recovering fully.

4. The feelings, I would have never have imagined.

5. Try to find a sane cell in my brain right now.....I dare you.

6. The attention I pay to human behavior is what's extraordinary about me.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to listening to the kids play and laugh, tomorrow my plans include bedrest and Sunday, I want to go, do, see.... but I think I have a date with Netflix and more bedrest!

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 pic from Vi.sualize.us

This afternoon I ended up in quite a dilemma, I found myself excessively turned on, wet panties, flush cheeks, a running scene in my mind, thoughts adding to the mix, needs and wants churning inside me.  I am on bedrest, and more sore than most of you will ever be in your lifetime.  But, yet, there it was that familiar zing, zap feeling running up and in between my legs.

A text sent out and then another and soon it was on.  I was deep into one of the hottest texting sessions we have ever had.  She was firing them back at me as fast as I could send another out.  A picture, a stream of 'I soo want to, and I woulds' between us left me more breathless and aching deeper inside.  What to do with all this passion, energy, and yearning that I had ??? 

Feel me, my hand

in your hair,
pulling it back as I lick your neck
and bite your chin.
My mouth on your breasts
playing with your perfect nipples
while my hand is between your legs....
one finger, then two. 

Holding your hands down.....
Moan for me, 

whisper my name................

No longer able to take anymore I decided stomach muscles be damned I would be satisfying this need one way or another.  I ran the battery out and came twice within minutes.  I was left with the first smile in days and a sense of calm I haven't had in weeks.  

Then, I took pain meds.
  Sometimes healing comes from unexpected places.

Thanks hun

I worked my butt off

Before my surgery I was up to 3-4 miles a day,

three days a week. 

I am afraid that working my butt off (literally) 

was a waste as I lay in bed for the next several weeks
 

~click~

my shadow as I walked to locker room

sweatshirt, shoes, water bottle, headphone 

in hand

pics of and by BFD

Trace Adkins - Brown Chicken Brown Cow

A drug induced fog with a side of tears

 

But mine is with a side of tears.  I can not stop them from flowing

I am in a drug induced (pain meds) haze

I know I am 

I also know a part of this is emotional let down

(a release after holding it together)

from the surgery....

But right now

I can not handle it

ouch

so much pain.  a friend in need (hurt at the hands of a man), a child in pain/ill/ear ache.  me swooping in to save the day and lives, and to help my babe.  so much pain today. so tired. must rest.

ouch

This is my reality

So I am staring at this blank page feeling like I should type something- anything.......
All I have is my reality right now, none of which is pretty, sexy, funny, nor probably interesting.  But, it is my reality so here it goes. 

I am home.  I got home right before lunch today (Sunday), I was to come home on Saturday but suffered a strange set back in which I asked for help at 9 am and when I looked at the clock it was 1pm and we were still working to stabilize me and figure out what was causing my cold sweats, heavy head, dizziness, strange thoughts, shortness of breathe, low blood pressure yet fast pulse, the swelling in my stomach especially around the surgical area on the left, and just general icky feeling.  It wasn't until 7pm last night that I started feeling anywhere near normal again.  One last night in the hospital and I woke with a renewed feeling and hope for going home.

pic from here

Which is where I am now (as stated).  I have a catheter still (believe me, I know that is shudder worthy), I have an incision from hip to hip (they followed my C Section line + ),and  my left insides have been manipulated more than carrot tops face:

• My ureter was detached from my kidney and bladder. They then cut out a section of the ureter that was scarred and blocked- sewed the ureter back together, to itself (it is just shorter now), and then reattached it to my bladder and kidney.......ouch.  

It is going to be hard to not do anything around here at all.  Heck, I already 'over did' today/tonight- with just hanging up the kids' wet snow clothes.  I am not sure how I am going to sit around the house for 4-6 weeks and not do anything.  First of all I don't sit.ever. and if I am sitting I am doing something (like computer work or folding laundry).  Secondly, it is impossible for me to just look at something that needs to be done all day and not do it.  Sigh...........  but it will be a bad idea to mess up what was just done::very very bad idea ::

My kids are thrilled to have me home of course but the best reaction came from my dog, she didn't leave my side for 5hrs after I got home. So cute.

So, there ya go- this is my reality. 

10 Good Things About This Awful Sugery

1) I may not have to deal with kidney stones anymore (after battling them for a decade)
2) No more surgeries hopefully (I have had up to 22 in one year)

3) My tolerance will lower again

4) This could take a bite out of my caffeine addiction

5) Rx drugs that fetch a pretty penny on the street

      (someone on FB offered to pay $5 a pill for vic) 

        I thought he was kidding - he wasn't

6) Not being able to leave the bed/house means not being able to spend money

       (which I will need to pay for these medical bills) 

7)Screwing up the paperwork to change our insurance from a $500 deductible with a $2000 max/out of pocket to a $5000 deductible $10,000 max/out of pocket suddenly becomes the best mistake since our fourth child (and he is the best ooops ever!). We still have the $500 plan- the extra it is costing us in premiums suddenly doesn't look so bad!
8) Flowers, maybe someone will send flowers- I haven't gotten flowers in a long time
9) My friend works a nursing shift the first week I am in the hospital- he is going to stop in and say hi everyday before his shift
10) No cooking, cleaning, laundry, or general daily work to speak of


I hope to be home soon and my laptop is scheduled to arrive on the 16th.  I'll see you online again soon.


<3 BFD


This is always a funny surgery scene

Fingers Crossed

 *click*

I am in the hospital right now (this is a scheduled post). I had surgery on Monday.  The surgery is on my left side.  I figured I had better get a picture of that area before it was scarred.  So, today, I share it with you. 

When I heal a bit I will show you my scar.......... mmmrrrooowwww   ;)
(who doesn't love a chic with scars? sigh.....)

Bye Bye...So Long....See ya Around..... I am outta here......

Scheduled for major surgery tomorrow morning, a ureter reconstruction.  This is major surgery.  They cut into the stomach- go from the outside in. There will be no scopes, or fancy micro cuts and lasers.......

  I will be in the hospital for 7-10 days, and the recovery is about 4-6 weeks.  I won't kid around.  It is serious stuff. I chose this surgery.  I am sure if you have been following me long enough you know that I have had more than my fair share of kidney stones and surgeries that go with them.  My ureter blocks, it can not stay open, it will not.  Balloon dilation, stints, surgeries, and anything else a scope can do has been done.... now, I am done!  So, I opted for this surgery, it is my choice. But that doesn't make it any less scary.  I decided on Wednesday and the surgery was scheduled for Monday- that is not much time to plan for a family of 6.

I had to put off my meetings with my potential new employer, I had to try to blaze through the year end book work (which I fell just short of (I am in November)), cleaning, laundry, prep children mentally, grocery shop, bill pay, chore charts, and activities planned.....plus so much more... sigh.  Finally tonight at 10:00 my hubby grabbed me, and set me down on the couch with him and said - stop, let it go, relax, let's watch a bit of tv together..... so we did.

I will schedule my HNT (a pic of my left side before it is scarred up) so stop back by  :)
Osbasso and maybe Vixen will have updates if you are interested.  I will not have a computer (my laptop didn't make it here in time)

<3 BFD

A little cyber fun for today

• Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
• Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
• I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toilet you drank out of on New Years Eve.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO THIS SITE? I SWEAR I LAUGH EVERYTIME!  "Texts from last night"
(never mind feeling quite a bit more sober and sane)

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How about this site?

Improv Everywhere.....

love what they do

They are responsible for the no pants subway rides and the mp3 experiment and the frozen grand central station....ohhhh just go see.

Cleaning IV- Final (with guest)

I have a special guest as the click.  

I stole this pic off his FB page and posted it this morning on here. 

I figured DAMN!!Oh Hell Yeah!  people need to see this.  

He is 44 yrs old, lives in a fair city not near me, and is a great photog.  

You can find some of his pics posted HERE. 

I think you will find the work he has put in at the gym has indeed paid off this last year...... 

(oh have a fan ready, you'll need it)

*click*

This is my final Cleaning HNT in the series.
The other three can be found
Week 1-  HERE 
Week 2 - HERE and  
Week 3- HERE

P.s.  He saw his shadow in my yard
(pic by BFD) 

 

I have a friend (DAMN...JUST DAMN!!)

seriously? how H-O-T is that?

(p.s. he is NOT 24 either *ahem*)
maybe he'll speak up -even anon- and let us know his real age