ahhhh yes. thank you forces that be

2 good (ish) days in a row. Amazing.
Not too shabby considering my mental state lately

You Make Me Smile- Final HNT

The Final HNT Project can be found HERE

I am there with 2 more pics as well

Thank you to he who got me started- 

you could always make me smile

Thank you to you who encouraged me along the way-

you still make me smile

Thank you to Os who has been there from the start and continues to be- 

smiles are not rare around you

Thank you to Vixen who made it all worth it- 

ohhhh how you make me smile

Thank you to those who have lent an 'ear' and a 'shoulder' you know who you are - 

you helped me find my smile again

Thank you to she who convinced me to blog in the first place many Decembers ago- 

we always smiled together. 

For all the smiles and all the joys I just want to say thank you 

to you 

and to HNT

Good- Bye

So.......

I get sad in the Winter. I try so very hard not to- but it happens, like clock work.  It is where I live. It is the lack of sunshine.  yeah.....

But this pic makes me so very very happy.  I am dreaming tonight of warm summer nights.....


I start work after the new year. I have decided to substitute teach. The idea of going back to work has me in tears (still) Doesn't help the sadness any. But, it is time and it is necessary.

<3 Jules
BFD

HNT- showing more than ever (oh and 3 wishes)

I have 3 easy wishes:

1) To Vixen- a plane ticket

2) To Vixen- a room at my favorite resort- the one with the big fireplace cabin and great lake view

3) To Vixen- me for company

and finally- HNT (I know I know, it's 3 wishes this week. But I only have 2 weeks to catch up. 

HNT- Showing more than ever 

 

My face

pics by Jon H.

*click*

To see what happens to you if you mess with my friends and I.

Friends help you move, best friends help you move bodies

So my multi-personality husband (I swear he is two different people- angry and not) said....when you post back on your site, "that blog/sex thing" you should put up a pic like.........

Soooo apparently he has forgotten that I am not posting over here anymore- per his request

Guess what!? If he has forgotten I am gonna pretend I have too  :) 

Just in time for the last few HNT

anxiety

I'm prone to anxiety within the last few years.  I have been handling it pretty well lately. I wanted to pat myself on the back a bit today because I had an anxiety attack but I grabbed ahold of it and dealt with it and managed not to end up in a sweaty ball of wasted space.  I am still not 100% with what I was worrying on  but I am better.

*breathing*

p.s. I started filling out applications and making stops at places inquiring about work today.  My 'project' is obviously not going to make any money at this time and our bank acct is empty and ...... sigh..... anyway.  yay me

Abuse is not to be dismissed- an update

This summer my dear sweet friend B.P. sent me a heartfelt plea- can I use your blog?  I of course said - YES!

He then sent me a story- his story.  I had at this time known B. for a few yrs (online) and was floored by what I read. It suddenly explained so much.  The original story can be found HERE (if you have not read it- please do)

Well a month or so ago he sent me an update- please read, please take the time and trouble to comment (I know that means going off your readers to do so....please!  this man is ripping open his chest and baring his soul here)

It has been a little over four months since Jules was nice enough to allow me to use her blog to share a story that I had only shared with a handful of people. For nearly 35 years, I thought I had fully overcome the terrible things done to me by a then 19-year-old neighbor by simply not dealing with it. 

But, by never talking about it, never asking for help, and never confronting my parents with questions of why they failed me when I needed them the most, what I really had done was continue to be a victim. Just like he did all those years ago, this man still had control over me.
Sure, I looked like I had my shit together. College graduate, high school teacher, semi-successful football and basketball coach, and a pretty damn good single father. However, in a lot ways, when things in my life didn’t go the way I thought they should, I was still a five-year-old kid.
By burying the part of my life when I was sexually abused as a five-year-old, what I now know is that I only released my anger, pain and complete sadness during adversity. Things like being transferred to a different school after teaching at the same site for 17 years made me turn to alcohol, attack the ones that I loved with verbal assaults, and feeble attempts to take my life.
During one of my last alcohol-induced rages in the summer, it finally came out. After hours of screaming and yelling at the woman that I love because she didn’t understand the pain I felt about the change in my job, I broke down and told her every detail of what had happened to me as a child. 

With that one tearful conversation, I finally began to heal.
Since then, I have gone to therapy and have given it everything possible to overcome the pain that I didn’t know existed inside me. It hasn’t been easy opening that chapter in my life, but it has helped and has changed how I view that time.
In the past when thoughts of my attacker came to me in a dream, I would wake terrified and would have troubles falling back to sleep. Now, however, my therapist has taught me to look at it differently.

I no longer look at as if I am the victim. Instead when he or a memory of the many incidents come back to me, I now take pride in the fact that I survived that. Despite all that he did to me and that no one was there to stop him and that I never got help for 35 years, I survived and became a success career-wise and in my personal relationships.
There is much more we have worked on and still more to come, but I have turned the page.
Everything you hear about people who were abused as children feeling shame about what happened to them, or their concerns about what others will think of them after hearing what had happened, and the anger they feel about not being able to prevent what happened to them are real. I felt all that and more. And, this is no doubt a big reason why I kept quiet for so long.
I feel none of that now. 

From time to time since my post was on Jules’s blog, I have tried to write an update to my earlier guest post. Each time, I would stop soon after starting, realizing I wasn’t ready.
I became ready last week with the news out of Penn State. In fact, this week has impacted me so much, that I am compelled to do more than just write on Jules’s blog. I am compelled to not only tell my story to people I don’t know personally, but I need to share what happened to me to my own readers, friends, and in the appropriate setting, to my students.

I can’t help it. I am heartbroken over what happened to the eight victims (any intelligent person knows there are more to come) from the hands of a football coach. A man whose number one job was not to win football games, but rather, to protect kids by providing a safe environment for them. And, while his victims may not have been his players, his moral obligations were to protect all kids he came in contact with during his career.

What sickens me more than him being a football coach or what he did to numerous kids has been the reaction of a large portion of the Penn State student body and the national media. Instead of focusing on the victims and what needs to be done for them, the media has focused on students protesting and rioting over the firing of their head coach who had some ( if not a lot) knowledge of what kind of predator his former assistant coach was in 2002.

Nine years ago and as of three weeks ago, this former coach was still on the Penn State campus using the football weight room.

I don’t care what supervisor this head coach reported what he knew back in 2002. I know who he didn’t report the information to… the police. And, because of it, there were more victims.
More kids who will live like I had to if they don’t get help. More kids who will never know who they can trust. More kids who will forever look at their parents and in the back in their mind will wonder why Mom and/or Dad did not protect them. More kids who will wonder what it was about them that made them victims. More kids who will walk on egg shells in their relationships… worried what is thought of them because they were victimized.

No, quite frankly, I don’t care how many great calls the beloved coach made en route to winning 409 football games. The only call I will remember from this coach is the one he didn’t make.
And, because of it, I am ready to talk, ready to fight for the victims.  Ready to do anything I can to prevent any other victim to have to wait 35 years to stop being a victim.

(If you or anyone you know have been victimized and would like to talk, feel free to email me at bpape0430@gmail.com.)

Again- please reach out, please send love and encouragment and contact him if you need to or just want to. 

Sincerely, 

Jules

 

I soooooo *heart* You all!

Wow! Thank you soooo much for the fabulous response to my quandary
I felt like I was yelling into an empty dark room,
only to turn the light switch on and find the room is full of friends still.

I will post what I need to very soon-
it is an update from a friend of mine
(he submitted something awhile back & wants to do an update)
(I may sneak a few things of my own in here too in the next week)
Thank you so much for your response. 
I didn't want to leave you hanging even though I don't have time to post right now
I did want to let you know I heard you & thank you!!!!!!

Ohhhhhh how I already miss Summer

Anyone Home???? Is anyone still listening???

My avoidance at closing down 

this blog for good may have come in handy. 

I have something to post. Is anyone still listening?????

My Blog is not down yet because............

My blog is still here, you can click on my name in your reader/ dashboard and still find me.
There is a very very simple explanation for that.  I can't close it yet.  Mentally I am ready, emotionally I can handle it now (although I still think it sux) but I literally can't yet.  I want to export this blog and save it.  If I should ever start over here again I don't want all things lost and if not I really don't want to lose this piece of history (my history).

I can not export this blog yet for one simple reason..... my laptop is smashed.  It has been smashed since I said was shutting my blog down *ahem*

I am waiting for it to get repaired.  As soon as I get it back and can save this little piece of me away safely I will be taking it down.....sigh.... deep breath. (still hurts to say)

In the mean time-LOOK pics!  I took pics:

 

Every new beginning comes from ......... (my last post w/ pic of me)

My name is Jules
I live in (way up North) Minnesota

I have been your friend for years now
and I can hardly stand to leave.

But with a teary smile I will walk out this door now,
into another new beginning.

("Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end")

I am leaving.....I am...soon....let me babble first

So here is the deal, I still have things to say. Maybe not everyday. But I need to write- I need to get these ideas out of my head. Even if it is just babble at times.

I have blogged for years now. I started as a mommy blogger and then opened this blog, which left me with 2 blogs.  I stopped blogging on my mommy blog and just posted over here. But, I never shut my mommy blog down.  It is still up.  Hell, it still gets 100 or so hits a week even though I haven't posted in it for EVER!

I will be blogging over there.  I will be spouting my everyday normalcy stuff over there and not doing my HNT.   (obviously) I think I will keep sending HNT shots (on occasion) to OHNT.  I do not want to lose that sense of body I have found by doing HNT. 

Messages are being received and I will be sending my mommy blog address to those I know well enough.
It goes w/o saying (but I will still say it) if you have a racey HNT/sex blog and I send you my address, by all means I want you to read. I do!  But if you could send your comments via email I would really appreciate it. If you blog is pretty vanilla with only a little spice thrown in- have at the comment box  :) Feel free to request the address if you want, but understand I will be using my discretion as that blog shows my face and my family and my hometown etc... I don't want to put any of that in danger.

_____________________________________________________

My aunt dropped off an insane amount of produce on Sunday.  I spent the rest of the day learning to can.  I have been processing veggies since.  I have canned green beans, beets, and tomatoes so far.  Last night I also processed 30 cups of sweet corn (I have this great no cook recipe that you freeze! easy peasy) I am so fortunate that I did not find a job yet since that is taking up the majority of my time now. 

School started yesterday. I was so very happy this year.  My baby was in kindergarten last year and that made it a bit bitter sweet on the first day. This year my oldest went into the Middle School (which does make me feel a bit old) so really the first day was more about stress this year. His schedule still wasn't right, he is a panic-er and did so at his locker (when he couldn't get it open), some of the supplies never got there and I needed to bring them in, I had fees I had to bring with as I wasn't sending $55 with him.  Needless to say I spent my morning at the Middle School this year vs the Elementary school. It is a whole different fishbowl there!

Hubby is being eerily calm about what he got upset about (causing me to shut down my blog) I do want to stress this is NOT a blog related issue (so please don't start rumors saying so) rather a real life issue that he decided the root of all evil was this blog.  Regardless, since he requested it get shut down and I was only posting 1 or 2 times a week, AND I will be getting a job this year which will leave me even less time...I figured not to fight it.  Anyway, he is being very calm and has even realized his part in all of this and is bringing me flowers, being nice, apologizing, claiming his part of the guilt and trying to make his own personal changes.  We both have a lot to lose and neither of us want to go there nor do we want to start over with another.  The 'issue' is not infidelity or anything that huge and so we will go forth and hopefully become stronger together.  That is all I will say about that.

I am going to get my rec membership renewed. It will be hard but nice to get exercising again.  The extra 5-10 pounds that won't go away give me some curves but make my pants tight.  I don't want to buy new pants- I have a drawer and closet fulllll full full of pants I like.  But I do need to be in shape for Vegas right?

SAY WHAT? yep Vixen and I are heading to Vegas again this year.  We will go toward the end of September with PC.  It is a birthday weekend.  Wonder where the birthday candles should go ?  *wink*

Alright my dear sweet blog friends.  I am shutting this blog down (read post below if you hadn't caught that news yet) I won't rip it down immediately, there is no panic or worry here, just a request I will follow through with. But I guess I wasn't done yet. Maybe by the end of the week?  ;)

I have done this before (and yes, in a dress) hehehe

Vi.sualize.us

THE FINAL CHAPTER - no more blogging for me

I have to close my blog. Effective this week.  

I will not be blogging again- at least under this premise. 

I may be picking up at my mommy blog again as I do still need an outlet.

I will keep my email account for a bit. So if you leave comments I will get them

I will see some of you on FB.

Please feel free to reblog this or let people know

as most people won't see this message

I am so very sorry and it was a decision made for my relationship with my husband - 

not because of blogging itself.

I am teary as I type this

GOOD BYE MY DEAR FRIENDS

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU ALL CHANGED MY LIFE

In the garden- picture post

The garden is finally producing- we planted late and have a short growing season.  I will start storing food today.  We also went furniture shopping last night.  The new couch and chair we bought on a whim (and great sale) a month ago makes the rest of the furniture in the basement look like college hand me downs (which they kinda are!)  I am excited to have a room that is comfortable and looks good. 

Alright off to can.

What do you think?

Would it be an incredibly crazy idea to offer Christmas Card photos? (Like people would pay me to take them?) 

What would an average rate be (that a family would be willing to pay?) for photos and a CD of them?
 

I'm thinking of offering a family shot and individuals at the same time. What do you think?

 

p.s. I am not a pro photog, but I have some experience and while sitting people down and taking their photo is not usually my thing- mama needs grocery money

I want to taste you

I want to be so close you can feel me breathe
I want to keep looking at you while the anticipation builds
I want to not be able to stand it anymore
I want to have to have you
....no matter where we are
I want to press you against a wall and pull your panties aside
I want to hear you inhale with that little 'oh' sound you make
I want our tongues to collide
I want to taste you
I want you

 Vi.sualize.us

an O is in order

"Where are you? I'm horny" I texted.
Then followed up with, "Does that make you feel cheap? I'm sorry"

He texted back:
"It makes me feel like a sex toy, I'm almost home"

That's right hun - you are my sex toy.  Hurry home

mmmhmmm  ;)

Steamy-HNT

"The beauty seen is partly in him who sees it." 

-- Unknown

 

I am looking for confidence within myself.  I need to be as good at promoting myself as I am at doing just that for others (which is what I have been doing for the last year).  I need to know I am good enough and that I am (and my work is) worthy. Noone really knows what they are doing when they go into a new job, they learn it.  The last time I had to find a job I was young and dumb and overly confident. It served me well.  Now....to conjure up some of that.

rough

My throat is so very sore this morning! 
I have a pap recheck after mine came back "suspicious" 6 months ago
I will also ask her about this rash that I thought was spider bites then I believed it to be poison ivy but it is stil spreading.  Basically, I am feeling pretty rough today!

Good Lord!

YES!  I did just totally send pictures from my cell phone to FB instead of my email. GAH! (including 1 of the rash on my arm which included my nipple in the background) Good Lord!  I am glad that most of them were just pics of me, and that I logged on right as the rash pic posted. 

Sweating bullets here!

Still Here

I am alive- I am still here
This is the first vacation that I did not auto post for while I was gone.
While it was nice not to try to have to fill 10 days I return feeling forgotten about.

I am still here.

FFI

And...here we go!

1. It's fun to go out with my friends.

2. A big mistake  is easy to make (correcting it is the hard part).

3. I like to be goofy.

4. How could it have gone,  I will never know!

5. Something I'm very much excited about the family vaca I will be on for the next 10 days.

6. Taking the time to lay in the sun yesterday was well worth it.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hitting the road, tomorrow my plans include renaissance festival (with a new wench costume) and Sunday, I want to go to the Children's Museum then head into the next state we are going, and seeing my first drive in movie!

I will be gone.  I don't think I will be posting, but I will have my laptop and I might... we'll see.  I have a ton to do and have to get doing it.  Miss you all.

Go check out the post below (there is a click) see what my newest toy from E.F. is

What has me weak kneed? This toy!

Honestly I should have gotten this review in a long long time ago- but let me tell you Eden Fantasy's Acuvibe has kept me a little busy (and distracted).

• Compact, lightweight, and sturdy, the Interactive Health AcuVibe® is a high quality performance tool designed for superior massage and relaxation. The rugged ABS plastic construction makes this massager durable and long-lasting, while the expertly designed head focuses 100% of the vibration energy on to your body.
• Smooth and rounded, this head is texturized and contoured for soft but precise stimulation, and the spring-mounted construction provides flexibility and versatility for ergonomic use. The benefits of massage are numerous, and this piece can fulfill them all. Whether it's relieving muscle aches, loosening tense muscles, increasing circulation, or flushing out painful lactic acid, the AcuVibe® will administer fast, effective, and accurate relief.

• The massager features a rechargeable NiCad battery that comes with a custom DC cord and can run for 45 minutes on a single charge. The single, push-button on the center turns the piece on and also changes from a high-level speed of 5700 vibrations per a minute, to a low-level speed of 4300 vibrations per a minute. 

The best part of  this toy/massager is that it is rechargable, Yes! rechargable.  That saves you a ton of money on batteries. I tired of toys running out mid-O or after each use and dropping money into it each time I use it with new batteries.  

I have a travel wand massager which I love and wanted to try this full size one.  

Pros:  As wand massagers go this one is quite powerful, quiet enough, and easy to use. Best of all for me, it provides a fast orgasm, and I mean FAST! (like minutes) Plus, it is recharable!

Cons: Size.  It is awfully large.  When it first arrived I was not home, I received a text from my hubby whom asked : "Is this new toy for an elephant? It's huge!"  

You and I both know that Eden Fantasy is the ONLY place to go for your sex toy needs.  While you are online shopping check this toys out. (and check out the promo they have right now)

Undress Me

Undress me 

Quietly 

and

Expertly

She's Country- pic post

all photos property of BFD -copywrite 2011

Lasts

I won't see my friends again until September.

My class reunion is coming up soon- what to wear? Casual dress leaves it wide open for me

Vacation is soon- a week with the kids and hubby............................................

I spent the afternoon and evening at the beach today- it may be the last time of the Summer

I need a job

you can comment and say nice things. I wouldn't mind it, and I kinda need it.  Anon if you wanna........

Love is good

FFI

1. The only question is now what?

2. I can accomplish much or absolutely nothing in one day.

3. Three things on my desk: photography book, envelopes, a stack of school papers from the last day of school I still haven't dealt with.

4. Pack my boys for the hunting shack is the one thing I HAVE to do today!

5. I love playing with people's minds.

6. The smell of the fair overwhelms the senses.  (See pic post from fair 1 post below)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a movie, tomorrow my plans include yard work and Sunday, I want to finalize our vacation plans!

skate park pic 

by BFD

Fair Enough

I went to the fair last night.
I is truly one of my favorite places to take pics

copyright BFD 2011

Let Go- HNT

I have a necklace that I wear when I need the reminder

It simply says:

Let Go

Photos by: Jon H.

It means:

Let Go 

of all 

that I can not control

TMI Tuesday-is it cheating?

TMI Theme for the day

Her: I saw you flirting with her. Cheater!

Him: It's not cheating if we don't have intercourse.

1. You have been separated from your significant other for six months. An attractive, attentive neighbor has paid you flattering attention. It is obvious he/she wishes to take the relationship further. Do you:

a. Dismiss him/her, you're in a committed relationship.

b. Continue to flirt, but go no further.

c. Fantasize about him/her, but take care of your sexual needs solo.

d. Let the affair become physical.

Separated to me - I was picturing them being in the military or gone working.  However if separated means on the way to divorce I still wouldn't have sex with the neighbor, awkward when it no longer works out, plus I would have to have an agreement in the separation making sex ok or it is still cheating.

2. A male co-worker whom you have heard is great in bed and very well endowed has been flirting with you a lot. He obviously wishes to start a relationship. Do you: (This question is for women AND men).
a. Make it clear to him you're not interested.

b. Flirt with him but go no further

c. Mentally undress him and wonder what he'd be like in bed.

d. Let the relationship become sexual.

Sex with co-workers- never a good idea

3. Your significant other is impotent most of the time, showing little interest in you and little interest in being sexual. Do you:

a. Resign yourself to no sex.

b. Satisfy your needs with masturbation

c. Find someone who can satisfy you sexually but remain with your significant other

d. Leave him or her

 I would of course make this deal with him first- I wouldn't just go behind his back

4. The last time you and your mate had sex, were you:

a. Concentrating mostly on him/her, and you didn't even orgasm

b. Thinking about your pleasure and theirs.

c. Concentrating mainly on your own pleasure.

d. Used his/her body as a tool to reach your own orgasm.

(I wasn't in the mood and he 'needed' sex (I do believe this is true, not being sarcastic) so I was more focused on making him cum)

5. What kind of partner do you prefer while making love or having sex?

a. Tender, loving, slow and sweet

b. I don't care, just do me; it's been a while

c. Tough, take-charge, I like it a little rough

d. Any lovin' is good lovin'

(to be fair let me explain- I like both. It just depends upon the day or my mood.  So either a or c)

Bonus: Do you mind if your significant other ogles/checks out another sexy person? What if they comment on that person, do you mind that?
9 times out of 10 I do NOT mind at all.  However if I am having a bad day- feeling sensitive or unsure of things and myself then I do care.  I tend to mention- "hey, I know normally I am right there with you talking about these women, if not pointing them out, but today I just can't handle it- sorry" otherwise how is he to know when it is ok and when it is not, you can't expect a guy to play the game if you don't give him the rules.


So I posted some babble below and some pics below that.  HNT will be a bit extra special this week......just so ya know

A stream of thought

It is later into the evening. Most people will be turning in soon in my time zone.  Yet, I no longer find it odd that I am alone folding laundry and tidying up the house- alone.  Yes, I am alone (minus the 5 kids in  my house....we have an extra due to a sleep over) I remember when my husband was coaching and how I hated being alone. It made me irritable to no end.  I actually would stew about it.  But, slowly ,over time I have gotten used to it.  In fact when he comes around I jump now (not used to him here)

 pic from HERE

I have been alone all of today except 20 minutes this morning (because I got up with him before he left for work this morn) and another 30 minutes around supper time where he was here to change clothes from one job and gather supplies for another.  We discussed trucks- he is looking.  He asked the kids how swimming lessons were and gave some safety tips concerning the bb guns the older two were playing with, and he was gone. 

Yet I just realized suddenly that most couples are probably watching t.v. together or sharing funny stuff from FB or sitting out in the cool night air taking a breather.  I don't know what that would be like really and when he is here we don't really know how to do that- actually if we aren't getting interupted by a child then we are watching different shows (lately) or he is sleeping and I stay up late, he gets up early.

Don't get me wrong. He is gone because he is truly working.  He is not at a bar (he doesn't drink-at all), he is not at a woman's house, he is not playing league softball or any other distraction like that - he is working. 

But I just realized how odd it would be to most people to be alone so much

(sorry for the rambling sentences and horrible punctuation Os- this is just a stream of thought)

PIgtails

 pic of me by me

I am 5' 8"

I weigh 'below average' 

I have brown hair

I have hazel eyes

I will admit (only once) that I have been told I am good looking

I am tall

skinny

and good looking

(there I said it)

But when I go to swim lessons today I will set next to a lady who is a good 4-5 inches shorter than me, at least 50 lbs heavier than me and not horribly unattractive yet not knock out gorgeous.  But, as I sit next to her I will feel completely uncomfortable.  I will feel 'less than' .

Some people just have such a judgmental air about them don't they?

Pics From Today (unedited)

You don't take a photograph, you make it. 

~Ansel Adams

Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter.  ~Ansel Adams

I didn't want to tell the tree or weed what it was.  

I wanted it to tell me something and through me express its meaning in nature. 

~Wynn Bullock

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs.  

When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.  

~Ansel Adams

There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs. 

~Ansel Adams

There are always two people in every picture:  the photographer and the viewer.  

~Ansel Adams