Summer- picture post

Babble- setting a turbulent mind straight(er)

This is me out the other night. Listening to the music at open mic night at our local Irish Pub. It is always a good night when I go out with L & A. But something went kind of trippy that evening. (after far too many 7/7's and a straight (huge) shot of wild turkey) my panic, emotions, and turbulent mind took over. It made me uneasy and I kept asking L if she was ok, was everything ok? I continually asked- had to be annoying- wow! (I even texted Vixen a few long texts that turned into very drunk and uncomprehensible texts.... sigh)

See......I have an ability. I can foresee things. (example: I have known when all of my grand parents were going to die, and I knew my last remaining grandfather was sick and what side and where before he ever went to the doctor- I felt it, it pained me right in that spot and everytime it did I thought of him, I saw him in my mind.... that is just 1 example) I feel when something bad is going to happen. I couldn't and usually can't call exactly what it is. But I knew something was going down. I was overwhelmed with the feeling. Sigh.....
I wish my foresight was a bit more specific at times- you know?

Anyway- this is all just babble.
I need to get my brain back on track.
I need to get my life back on track.

Cleaned my room today (always too busy cleaning the rest of my house to worry about my room- my space... you know?) maybe that will be a good start.

====================================

Less babble:
I talked with a sportsman today- a hunter/fisher. He writes for a magazine. I told him I was looking at Outdoor Life today (which I was... yep, that is me) and that there was an article on this group's hunt with great pics. I told him I could totally do that. He agreed- he has seen my work. He said I should come hunting with him (which- hey! I hunt, or I can and have) and take pics and write an article and he would hook me up with a publisher- why the hell NOT??? I said.... maybe maybe maybe. I could be one of those cool chicks on the hunting channel soon... buahahahhaa, ok- probably not. But, still- wow!

Almost done

Almost done.
8 out of 9 questions answered.
1 summary left.
1 cover page.
Almost done.

Tick tock goes the clock.
Time is running out.



Personal note: I am not doing well today. I am on verge of tears, can't breathe and feel very off center. I am hurt. I am mourning. I am lost. I am not well today (see post below). I lost my best friend and it isn't a secret, so why not just say it.

Yeah.....so

You maybe have noticed by now, most of you probably not yet.
But S.S.'s blog is gone.

I don't have full details.
Nor permission to share the microscopic amount of what I do know
(which is like nothing!)

His gmail, blog, and FB page are gone.

If you are one that maybe received something from his other email accounts I would advise you to NOT use those. As much as we all are curious and want to know wth??? Please assume (as I am assuming) whatever it is, he is in no position to have us interfering- that would be like dropping a lit match on a pile of dynamite- you just don't do it.

To those of you who were not all that fond of him - first F you if you are laughing and shame on you (act like an adult here). Second- put yourself into his shoes, blogging is part of a life but if it ruins one's RL- not funny. Third- we all know others who have fallen into the same problem, did you laugh then- right, that is what I thought.

I will leave comments on for this, but I will NOT answer anything about what I do or do not know. Because I am honest when I say- not much. Thanks for not going there.

EDIT: Please know he was a real person. His life is his children, he loves them dearly. He always spoke respectably about his wife and he never seemed to drop the ball at home. He also was always there for all of us..... damn, I have to go now

Push my button- please

WOOHOO! Look what I have!
My very own button. Yep. How cool and official am I now?

My girl Vixen made it for me. Thankherverymuch.

It makes me very very happy- want to push my button?
Here is the code:

http://dreamingbearfoot.blogspot.com">http://blue-eyedvixen.com/images/2010/08/BDBUTTON-blue.b.jpg" alt="" title="Barefoot Dreamer" class="alignleft size-full wp-image-8808" height="200" width="194" />

Feel free to copy and paste and use at will. I would be honored to sit in your side bar

Thanks Vixen!

Rookie move..... I am NOT a rookie

So
umm
well
*ahem

(shuffling, scraping toe in the dirt.......fidgeting)

I have a confession

I drank WAY too much last night. Like way way too much.

NO I did not end with my night in the toilet.
I did not pass out.
I did not lose control or make a public display/idiot of myself.

I did talk about things I would normally keep hidden
Apparently I let my guard down and someone saw through my facade and called me on it
(I don't let most people see ME...you know?)
I told a bit of a secret to someone I haven't tested the trust lines with yet- *gulp
Yeah.... I let myself go I guess.

But I did drink way too much- whiskey. At one point straight..... yeah

I'll just be going now.

(and no I don't really have a hang over- just feel a bit dizzy and weak)

Friday Fill - In (actually the post that covers up my HNT)

And...here we go!

1. You do your thing; I do mine and sometimes I do yours ;).

2. Going out tonight with 'the girls' is what's been on my mind on and off all day.

3. Remember when 9 was when we started getting ready to go out, not when we started getting tired.

4. Figuring my new me out, being who I am , finding out who I want to be are three of my favorite obsessions :-)

5. During the last year I was on the verge of driving away and never coming back.

6. Someone special puts a smile on my face.

HNT- Empowered

The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself.
~Rita Mae Brown, Venus Envy

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
~J.K. Galbraith

If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking.
~George S. Patton

_______________________________________

I started out the summer feeling down, dowdy, confused, alone, and incredibly anxious. I am still a bit anxious of what the next few months will bring- especially the next few weeks, on most days I no longer feel like an ugly duckling, confusion has cleared, and I am soo so so not alone. I will leave the Summer of 2010 feeling empowered.

Now what do you think about yourself as summer closes?

Holding back

song for post in sidebar ------------------>


Do you hold back?
Not say what you want, to save someone's feelings?

I have been doing that lately.

When people ask my advice I tell them to say what is on their mind.
Use tact, but get it out.

I haven't been taking my own advice for quite awhile now. Interesting. Especially since it is someone that should be able to handle it, but I am pretty sure they are the one that can handle it the least.

Stay tuned- HNT tonight and a story from Dewey about me and Vixen in Vegas (posted on Friday)- ohhhh man, seems we have conjured up quite the fantasy for him (and maybe others?)
What? You didn't know Vixen and I are going to spend 4 nights in Vegas together this Fall? Ohhhh, *ahem ... I meant 5 days *wink* in Vegas this Fall? super giddy!!!! WE ARE!

In which she returns........kinda

I am back

Well I am home I should say. I have returned from our (shorter than normal) end of the summer family vacation. A good time was had by all (just not at the same time) and by the end we were all ready for a bit more space and to be home.

I will be compiling pics and posting some soon.

Now, let me clarify my title. I am home and I am back online (which I only had on vaca when I stole it from a hotel late one night and my mom's wifi I hijacked for a short stint) But I will not be back full force blogging until after Labor Day.

Ohhh the love I gave out this last week... ugghhh wore me out!

I have a short period of time to get a lot of work done. I still have not finished two of the three classes (my hubby's fault - really....sigh, such a distraction and put-er off-er he can be) I have to get a bunch of stuff done with the kids before they head back to school and there are many neglected things around the house too. Mostly of course the damn classes. But after these last three I am done with that forever! woohooooooo!

So, while I AM back, I am not back full force quite yet. When I return please let me apologize in advance for the anxiety attacks I will be having- explanation later I am sure.


*and yes I have 4 kids (the family circus cartoon)

Leave a Message

Hey this is BFD
I can't make it to Blogger right now
I am on the go and without service

If you leave a message in the comment box I will get it when I have Wi-fi or return home again.

Thanks........


*BEEP*

HNT- Inappropriate Behavior

A continuation of the pics from being naughty in the boys room. These pics were taken outside of the bathrooms in the hallway. I apparently had reached my limit at this point (good thing I had arranged for hubby to come at close to be my DD) I have been known to sit inappropriately in a dress, but I would say this was the worse of it- gah! someone stop me, really!

It went from bad to worse- *click the pics

Good thing there were only a few witnesses to such behavior (and for your benefit - a camera ;)

snapshots by Jon H.

Rooted in the Earth

Today I held a butterfly- newly emerged from it's cocoon.
I also held a Downy Woodpecker in my hands as I cleaned it's mouth out and straightened it's feathers (after it hit our picture window)
The moment that bird lofted from my hand and took flight made me gasp in amazement

Life is amazing.
Have you noticed?
Do you notice that which is outside of yourself?

Can you hear the birds singing?
Can you separate sounds outside?
The breeze from the leaves rustling vs the sound of the birds talking
Do you look at clouds anymore?
Have you stopped to stare at the grass and see the small world going on right below your feet?

Don't be like Yummo Wickersham on Horton Hears a Who:
Horton: Listen, *please*! It's the most beautiful thing ever!
Yummor Wickersham: I don't hear nothin'.

Slow down and appreciate.
Reconnect- or maybe connect for the first time


If you are not rooted in the Earth you are privy to the wind and will be tossed about
(and you can quote me on that)

Three Thoughts

Some of you could school Oprah- go here and tell her "what for" as my grandma used to say.


Next had this little thought today -
Epiphany while mowing- not ALL spiderwebs hit you in the face- but those that do are the ones you notice. (translate that into real life: we get hit with many things every day, but it is the ones that it us in the face that we notice and effect us)





Next, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about one thing in particular. Not ready to share it here - nor will I probably share it here. (some things are just not for posting, ya know) Anyway, I have gone through each day and everything I can remember leading up to this 'thing' and what has happened since, just trying to figure out w.t.h. happened. You know- analyzing and thinking and wondering? How did it go down like this?
Sigh. I guess it is time to just stop thinking about it.



ok - moving on.........



I am alone again tonight. It should figure that I am ummmm.... a bit excitable right now. (thank you for that- yeah, YOU! ) Guess I know what I will be doing tonight.

Time may be relative, but......

Summer is dwindling down- amazing how quickly the last two week goes vs the middle two. Time is so relative. I want to stall this time, if only for a little bit. Every summer I have such big plans and ambitions and every end of summer I feel like such a loser.

I planned beach days and picnics, tent camping in the yard and day trips that could turn into over nighters - because why not? I thought we would make it to all the cool things in town and heck, may as well hit some of them out of town. I planned outings to state parks hours away- getting up early and going for the day, rolling in at bedtime. I thought about teaching the kids to cook and how to properly fold laundry and build a fort. Play dates were going to be made and kept and friends were not going to be lost over the summer.

I had big plans.

I pretty much failed at all of them. Instead I slept late and wasted the morning away trying to get motivated. I fought the kids' opinion and found we could not agree (as a group) on any one thing/activity. I broke up fights and yelled a bit more than I wanted to. I told my kids to 'stop using that voice' and to 'stop talking that way' only to realize that I too was using that voice and talking that way. I waited until it was too late to most things most days until it was too late and it just didn't happen.

I wasted the summer. At least that is how it feels.

However, we did make it to the beach a few times and a few days we spent hours and hours there. We did get them behind a boat on a tube more than once, and we had more then a few campfires. We went camping once for 4 nights and are about to go again next week. We made it to the animal park and did go out for ice cream a time or two. We were lazy and hung out and just played. Staying home became a luxury and we just enjoyed our time here. So, the summer is almost gone and I did have plans that failed..... but I hope in the end I did alright because time may be relative, but you can never get it back.

I can not be everything to everyone all the time

I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, townsperson, house owner, business owner, web page owner, and I am me. I can not be everything to everyone all the time.

There are times that one of these 'me's' has to come first. My husband needs me- the wife me needs to step up. One of my children are struggling- the mom me comes forward. A friend is in distress- I am there. However I am only one person so when one of me are occupied, all of me are taken. I can not be everything to everyone all the time.

Spring and Fall are our busy season for our business, and the business owner me must tie on her work apron and concentrate on that area. Summer means kids home and they come first. The wife me is always on alert. I can not be everything to everyone all the time.

In all of this I try not to lose who I am - the me of the me's......

I forge on. I keep going, changing hats as I need to. There are days when I must wear all the hats at the same time. Those are the days that

I feel like I have too many irons in the fire (as the old saying goes).

Some of the irons getting left too long, others coming out before they are ready. But hopefully, like those irons I can put them back in the fire, reshape and come up with a stronger sword in the end. The people in my life that may feel neglected need to understand and I hope they can, because I can not be everything to everyone all the time.......

In which she spills it.... misc crap

all pics from Vi.sualize.us

One thing at a time, that is what I keep telling myself. First clean house, have company (way fun !!), throw blow out party for hubby's summer co-workers and do it up all kind of right for him and them (I guess I succeeded as they couldn't stop talking about it today - his last day of summer work), today back to school shop for school supplies (I had to buy 12 notebooks for three kids in elementary school, wth? seven of which went for my 5th grader), tonight wipe down new camper (more on the 'new' camper later), now back to paper writing- three classes, one month, down to two weeks (yes I waited again). One thing at a time. One thing at a time. That is what I keep telling myself.


Miscellaneous

* I am beginning to wonder if there is a pattern to my anxiety/ antsy / grumpy / frustrated feeling (I have started keeping a calender)
* My dog stinks- she is wet and rolled in something. Ughh. But it has rained 3 inches in 24 hrs and everything is dripping and it is not drying. I can not bathe her right now. Dang. (she always sits at my feet-p.u.)
* Hubby and I are doing very very well. It kind of scares me. Usually just when I let my guard down something happens and I am twice as sad/disappointed.
* All four of my kids will go to school this year -Sob!!! I will really really miss my youngest.
* I have great fears for what the next 6 months of my life will bring- there are changes a'comin.
* I can not seem to get my laundry folded for anything this summer! It seems to get done when I need the baskets for the next week's laundry.


*If I have to clean the kitchen one more time I just might scream.
*I really want to be heading into town right this minute to open mic night at the Irish Pub. It always draws a crowd, and our town has so many awesome musicians it is insane.
* I am falling behind on my project because it is hard to get anything done with the kids under foot at all times.
* I really wish we had family close enough to help with the kids, yet I don't because they would be close enough to demand our attention- sigh......
* Friendship is a hard thing that doesn't get easier as an adult
*I booked my flight to Vegas yesterday *happy dance


* We book our room for Vegas late last week *wicked grins (as she would say)
* I keep telling her we should post a paypal button to raise money for this trip and reimburse with pics *wink. (I joke......kinda)
* I am sad about school starting, yet excited for the time it will free up for me. Also the house will remain clean for the whole day for the first time in 11 years.
* My foot is falling asleep because I am sitting crossed legged.
* I like the person I am becoming
* I told my hubby that he is handsome and more so lately- he told me that is because I am wearing happy goggles, maybe so. I have been much happier lately.
* I hope I am on a come back........

Stop and smell the flowers

The fear of death follows from the fear of life.
A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
~Mark Twain

pic by Jon H.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying,
living isn't going to be much fun.
~From the television show Roseanne

I love this shot. The flowers and deep greens. Such life in the foreground. As I walk into a cemetery. Death, or the reminder of it. Enjoy life and what you have and are given. Seek what you want and need. Let go of what you can not control (like other's actions). You are in control of your today, and can only prepare for your tomorrow. I love this shot.

I scheduled this post last week. Long before I was reminded of this again -today. Don't waste your today.... it may be the last one you have

Emergency! Please read and help

song for post here---->

Emergency Please, go HERE and read and do what your heart tells you to do. Help, pray, cry....... go
(go now, I'll wait)
Just to warn you, I am crying and I don't cry.



This just solidifies the fact that I am very very far behind on reading, replying and being a good blogger in general. What I have missed, in fact I only saw 2 HNT this week.... I am so very sorry.
Here come the excuses:
1)I have let my real life take over and worked on that aspect hard. I am better for it.
2)I have also been fighting panic/anxiety since early Spring. It can be consuming at time. It has to do with major life changes and transitions I am sure. I still haven't collected my thoughts enough to explain ( hard to do when you are anxious)
3) I am taking the last of these classes. Three classes in one month- vs the three I did in four months last time. It is overwhelming.
4) I haven't even kept up with real life people! If they haven't called, texted, FB'd, or stopped out to see me I haven't talked to them
5)Also with all the kids around (again I state) it is impossible to get much else done. A couple of weeks and school will start and I will have all the time in the world. (yeah right)

Until then- thank you for all that continue to come by, and read. I appreciate it a lot. Your comments make me smile through out the day. (and I don't smile, for real, easily)


Obviously Sage didn't realize I suck at blogging lately, I imagine he looks at the pictures only anyway. ;) But he gave me an award. woo hooo. I will pass it on soon. Thanks sir!

Letting go, having fun

This summer has been about letting go.
This summer has been about having some fun.
This summer I swung from a rope swing and jumped in a river
(more than once)
This summer I let go, if only a little

Why I live where I live- reason #237

This is me taking pics on the edge of a sunflower field.

taken by mystery blogger visiting me
w/ her cell phone. Off a dirt road, somewhere outside of
my town.........

Down to the River to....... play

pics by BFD

Company in the house!

A mystery blogger friend is in the house!
(no, really- she is here! woo hoo)
before you go getting your panties all in a bunch, she is a mommy blogger friend who I met through my mommy blog but does know of this blog... anyway.

Yippy! Happy.





Carrying on - a post to push my HNT down a bit :

Graphic courtesy of Crystal

And...here we go!

1. Life is good today.

2.Just keep going.

3. My last text message (or IM) ended in these three words: my way home.

4. Beef and Broccoli is what I'm thinking about for dinner sometime soon.

5. On the 1st day of August I wondered why it is not hotter

6. Most people find me lively and energetic.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to campfire maybe, tomorrow my plans include going to the farm for milk and maybe the river for a swim and Sunday, I want to go to a state park- a special one, for our company to see!

HNT- Being Naughty and Having Fun

Is this worse then smokin' in the boys room?

pic by Jon H.
edited by myself

I'm not really here

TFT is up
That is all I have for today.
Busy Busy Busy day.
Gone tonight too- Later Gators

Yes yes yes oh God yes

pic from Vi.sualize.us

His hands stroke back my hair

Simple words whispered

Thoughts, ideas, fantasies, dreams

Eye to eye

Words unspoken but understood

Skin to skin

Fingers lingering, exploring, tempting

Teasing kisses

Anticipation, yearning, desire

More please

Tension eased, bodies letting go

Need increased

Bodies joined

Hands holding down hands

Desire meets pleasure

Constant hum of pleasurable sounds

Thighs quiver, stomach tightens

Pace increases

Relief in sight

Eyes locked

Breath quickened

Now please - yes

Yes yes yes

Oh

God

Yes

Good Morning Beautiful

I wake up alone. I am not complaining about this really. I love being able to sleep in some. But what a fantasy this song paints- waking up next to someone, someone who looks you in the eye and says - Good Morning Beautiful

Good mornin beautiful
how was your night
mine was wonderful
with you by my side
and when i open my eyes
and see your sweet face
its a good mornin beautiful day................