one year on.

it's been a year, a WHOLE year.

i'd daresay i've pretty much become numb. of course, i do have those miss you nights, nights that i still think and wish that i'd hear your clattering paws and get that whiff of "belachan", but i've moved on. just as how you'd want me to.

thinking about the last time i cuddled your furry head watching your blurry eyes swift a glance of me, sorry and yet a strange kind of peace within - your calm way of goodbye. all those joys and happy memories weren't enough to cover the pain, just watching you fight the losing battle. much as i wish i could say i'm happy for you, i wish you didn't leave so quick.. then again no time would have been a good time.

they say all good dogs go to doggie heaven, and thought i'm too old to believe in fictional fairytales, i do wish it's true. maybe, just maybe, one day i'll be driven to pen down tales of your hilarious adventures, so that the memories will never fade.

always, and forever, 

my chocolatecoatedlab

so i'll seek solace, in You and You alone.

Safe
Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

how'd you be strong and not crumble? clinging on to nothingness is like clinging on to the piece of disintegrating rope in a choppy ocean.. too tired to hang on, too chicken to let go. hanging on for the non-existent light at the end of the tunnel.

don't break down just yet,
not now, not ever.

maybe there is some good in goodbyes.

the skies, they mourn with us.

farewells aren't ever happy.. it's not easy to see someone go off, somewhere else.. whether temporary or permanent. even in our everyday conversational byes, there is that small fraction of a chance that a twist in timing may mean a permanent adieu, for good. i used to think whoever called goodbye, goodbye was just plain ignorant. but perhaps there is some good in it.

all my life, in these (few) years.. deaths were painful goodbyes. from losing g (who'd ever thought life ended at 18? esp when one was only 9) and then watch teri slip away just like that one year later. hospitals aren't pleasant either and i never got to show k my psle results. flooding regrets when it came to kp (at the end of the day you can blame noone but yourself). losing a friend is just about as painful as family, realised that through e. and losing your bestest companion is the worse of all. it's been almost a year and i daresay i've kinda recovered from it. wounds heal, scars fade. and well, it's yet another goodbye.

maybe i've grown up, learnt from mistakes.. walked away with no regrets this time. sadness is inevitable but i guess there's less pain in not watching the losing battle and being told that there's an end to suffering.

i'll always miss, love and remember you. cos you've been part of my 21 years.
perhaps you'd be proud to know, i can wake up on my own right now. if only you knew.

tears dry, emotions fade.

life goes on.