saying goodbye is the hardest thing in life and we never learn to be good at it

probably stupidity on my part for glancing through memories of the pain you went through back then. never fails to break my heart and make me miss you more than ever.

the joys and memories i've shared with you... you took a chunk of me with you. how'd you heal? you heal with a covering over that empty hole dug out - looking fine on the outside but empty deep within.

i keep myself busy, because then i won't think of you, the times i used to use you as an excuse to take a break for a breather. well, there are times i'm happier without you.. for the freedom.. just someone less to think about. but i'll always love you, just like how you taught me to.

cos you're a special one and only - always in my heart.

this facade of strength, is just cos that's what you'd have wanted. but it's hard, so hard.

sometimes, all you need is to let tears flow.. to let that load down so you can carry on in life. it's not about being a weakling, it's about growing stronger.

why??
life is like that.

raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip are the main reason why i have trust issues.

friends are greatly treasured part of my life and each one of them is special in their own way. i couldn't ask for more. and this song from Wicked puts it in such a lovely way, sums up just about everything i want to say.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are lead to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun, like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood, who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend. Like a ship blown from it's mooring, by a wind off the sea, like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood, who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you've blamed me for. But then I guess we know there's blame to share, and none of it seem to matter anymore.
- For Good ("Wicked")

i've neither wants nor needs
for the best gift's been received:
the friendship and love they've shared in the time i've ever known them.

so what's the big deal about a 21st?? seriously.
my only wish is to spend it with those who matter to me. those who bother to want to celebrate it.
it's not an obligation from an invitation but a need, as a friend.