good things come to those who wait.

it's been awhile. i must say i've lost the drive to pen my thoughts. whenever i get inspiration, it's just not the most convenient of times, and i lose that train of thought. it's not the same once that cloud of inspiration passes.

^ drafted in september, and not surprisingly i didn’t get to continue.

a whirlwind of events have happened since, i’ve just hadn’t had the bandwidth to keep up. i do acknowledge this as a perfect platform to pen down memories, because my regrets happen when i come back here and i wonder about life happenings during my hiatus.

we had the luxury of time to plan, though it wasn’t always a luxury because as we later found out, some people weren’t ready to commit for an event that was happening so far away. but the clock ticked and the time quickly passed, pressing us into a timeframe tighter than we would have liked. certain aspects were a breeze because we had the benefit of time, to consider, to tweak, to affirm. other aspects, we took a deep breath and took a leap of faith. if you asked me, i don’t regret going a la carte just because each separate aspect gave us a special interaction with each of the people we eventually worked with. sure, life might have been made a little easier if we had gone with a package that covered everything, but i’m always wary because i’ve simply heard and read about way too many issues that have cropped up. during this planning stage where we had a long time for considerations and exploration, i was quick to offer thoughts to fellows on the same boat. but now having been through it, i find myself holding back, because i didn’t quite appreciate the flicking of advice in the time leading up. to each his own, it’s something that ought to be respected.

in the midst of that “craziness”, as what other people called it, we also embarked on the challenge of securing a roof over our heads. it was truly a painstaking experience with the regulating body that dealt with the roofs over our heads, an agonising long-drawn process. but with a little faith, and some patience, it paid off, it turned out alright. i admit second-guessing the mindset i had stood fast too, i wondered if we had stretched ourselves too thin on the timeline. but with faith and trust, good plans do lie ahead for the better. it worked out for the better, and for us, at least, we have no regrets.

the year definitely flew by faster than i could ever imagine, a new chapter and many sub-chapters as well. so much lies ahead. more hurdles, more chapters. i can only have faith, hope, and love.

you're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem.

put on a smile, lift your chin up

if it can fool others, maybe it can for yourself.

what are my sorrows in comparison with the sorrows of others? life doesn't always go your way, i'm learning that, painfully but surely.

do you count your blessings or do you wallow in sorrows?  it's a struggle to count your blessings when your spirit is dampened and your heart is heavy, the rational voice in you tells you to pick yourself up, to not fuss over the trivial things like a silly worrywart; but the indignant voice demands attention like a child stomping up a tantrum, telling you to take a stand and not be a doormat.

refocus, channel those thoughts onto the path of posivity. i try so so hard to find a glimmer of hope, but most of the time i'm more engrossed in the engulfing troubles. i've been constantly reminded to enjoy the process, but it's truly a struggle trying to appreciate this overly commercialised practice. maybe i truly am a peasant, one who detests the glitz and glamour.

step by step, we're moving forward;

little by little, taking ground;

every prayer a powerful weapon; 

strongholds come tumbling down

everything is beautiful in its time.

Your timing is perfect. I know it will work out, just as it always has. The problem is, that knowledge doesn't make it any easier, I still get caught up in the pressures of the moment and feel like a stubborn elephant is on me, refusing to budge. 

When the demands of reality get to you, it's truly a feat to the feelings of inadequacy on top of fighting hard to get things done. I suppose unrealistic demands is part and parcel of life, whether in the workplace or out of it. We too, make unrealistic demands on people, even as we gripe that others demand the impossible of us.

People are people, people compare. That's the root of the problem. I'm guilty of that too, it's when i compare that "hey xxxx can get away with the bare minimum", that i get myself upset because i'm constantly compared against a higher bar.  Humans are funny creatures, they hate to be compared against another, but yet they innately compare themselves and others. It's a cyclical issue, one that has no root - pretty much like the question "which comes first, the chicken or the egg". I don't think there's truly a solution to the problem, it's an unfortunate reality that we have to deal with in our lifetime.

I'm comforted that i don't live by the standards of the world, and that perhaps i shouldn't keep trying so hard, or fighting so hard, because everything has a place and time and it will be beautiful in its time.

much easier said than done,

but i'm trying.

i'm glad i moved on.

time and again, i look at the pictures with a heavy heart, a tinge of jealousy. a small part of me wishes i was still a part of it. but then i take a step back and remind myself that i am happy for those who are happy. there are seasons in life, and that was a season where the spring was beautiful with blooms, the summer sun shone with golden glimmers, but then eventually, autumn would inevitably come, the once fresh, green leaves will yellow and fall. the winter is not a dearth of life, it is merely a season where everything halts to prepare for something even more beautiful. there is beauty in white, in a clear blanket of white. it covers the ground and allows the magic to work under that blanket, and when the time is right, true beauty shall be uncovered.

so don't look at another person's season in envy, be patient, wait for yours to come, it will be beautiful. and don't spend too long reminiscing the past seasons thinking that the beauty is unparalleled, because in doing so, you will likely miss the beauty of your season.

despite the lingering tinge of sourness, the earnest wish i had the luxury of time to enjoy more seasons. i tell myself, "hey, there will be more seasons to come, and they will be more beautiful". i'm glad i moved on. patience is bitter, but it's fruit is sweet.

que sera, sera.

jay-oh-why.

i've got joy and it's down in my heart

deep, deep down in my heart

j-o-y and it's down in my heart

deep, deep down in my heart

a catchy childhood tune from sunday school. who would have thought that a simple sunday school song held deep truths like this. songs like these sure build good foundations for life. how does one be joyful though? i find it so, so hard. when you're just down and demoralised, when everything seems to be going along a bumpy road full of rocks and portholes and there's no end in sight in this long winding road, no way out till you reach your destination. and then i came across this excerpt.

Joy

(excerpt from Time of Grace Ministry)

We all like being happy. The problem with happy is that it’s circumstantial. Happiness winks on and off like a firefly’s backside. Hitting green lights all the way to work makes us happy. Getting rear-ended in the parking lot makes us unhappy. A compliment from a coworker makes us happy. Being criticized makes us unhappy. Happiness hangs out at ball games and family reunions. But it’s an infrequent guest at funerals and in ER waiting rooms. 

Joy is different. Joy isn’t a feeling. It’s more of a knowing.

Jesus’ joy was knowing he was about to make peace between sinful humanity and our holy God. Did he feel happy when he anticipated the agony of the cross, abandonment by his Father, the weight of our sins, and death? No--he was overwhelmed with sorrow! But even in sorrow he knew the joy of doing his Father’s will: presenting the world with the forgiveness we could never earn. 

And so a Christian’s joy is closely linked to Jesus’ joy. His joy was in giving that gift. Ours is in receiving it. We know--however dark our circumstance, however we feel--we have God’s favor and a heavenly home. From that knowledge grows a joy that makes our hearts stand tall even when pummeled by earthly sorrow. A joy that smiles in every circumstance.

Even at red lights.

----------

what i loved about this read was the depth of truth in such simplicity of words. happiness is indeed circumstantial and it is very hard to find happiness when you hit sucky times. but joy is different, joy is when your heart sings, when your feet skip along the path, when your soul is light despite being physically weary. so yes, it is very possible to find joy even at ref lights, a chance to pause and admire your surroundings.

it's hard to remember to be joyful though, it involves counting one's blessings even when you want to wallow in sorrow. it's somehow really hard to learn that being happy feels a lot better, and many a time i find myself recounting miseries. it's almost as if you forget what the freshness of real food tastes like, as you continuously indulge in quick, instant, pre-packed food. you're fooled by the notion that's it's easier, and think that it'll make you feel better. but in truth, with just a bit more effort, your tongue will thank you for the sweetness of fresh produce and your body thank you for true nourishment. 

be thankful. be joyful. i often remind myself. don't get sucked into the worldly standards of happiness. happiness is temporal. joy lasts.

a joy that smiles in every circumstance indeed.

one person's garbage is another's treasure.

"people are like garbage trucks, they run around with garbage,

and they're full of disappointment, full of frustration, full of anger

and when their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it

and sometimes they'll dump it on you

but you know what, you don't take it personal[ly]

you just wave, smile, you wish them well, and you move on

don't let their garbage spread to the people ​​

at work, at home, or on the streets

you love those who treat you right, and you pray for those who don't

see now, life is 10% of what you make it

the other 90% is how you take it"

10,000 reasons​​.

when i count my blessings, i find so many things to be grateful for. this day is but one of them. and for just this one blessing, i'm sure i have 10,000 reasons, if not more, to be grateful for.

never would i have imagined that my 18-year-old relationship will be my first and last, that my heart would belong to that very someone for the lifetime ahead. i remember when it was all fine and dandy, when we used to worry that it was "too smooth". we untrusting humans tend to worry our little minds off when something is "too good to be true". i find it funny that our greatest trials were the times apart, yet can't actually pinpoint the cause. there was never a "you forgot to do xyz", or "why did you abc". i'm thankful that, most of the time, we learnt to give and take. i'm thankful that in most cases of my grumpy unreasonableness, i was blessed with true patience and cool-headedness. i often kick myself and wonder "why and how on earth does one endure me". it's beyond me, really, but it's a mystery that i will always truly be grateful for. of course, i'm sure good part of it has to do with the way we are wired. i've hardly ever seen XYs get caught up in petty mistakes. they just brush it off and move on. on the other hand, XXs harp on the issues and don't let it go, not at least they've given more than their two cents worth. that said though, i don't take on the burden of all the blame. it takes two to tango, motions of one stepping forward and the other stepping back, and at some point, that one will have to step back while the other takes the forward moves. 

i came across this awhile back:

" 'The act of love is easy,' I said, thinking of how simple it was to see a person, to feel strongly for them, to want to be by their side, to want to give them everything. 'It’s loving that’s hard.' ... the idea that love comes naturally, but loving, learning to love, learning to find the balance between give and take, a combination of selfish and selfless–-that was hard."

if there's anything i've learnt over these years is that it's actually love that makes things hard. if someone who doesn't love you, doesn't do something for you, you wouldn't feel hurt. if someone you don't love got injured out of sheer carelessness, you'd think it's tragic, but it wouldn't hurt as much, and you wouldn't get mad. if someone you don't love says something mean, you'd be upset, but it wouldn't hurt as much as compared to if someone you loved said it. it's because of this hurt that we lash back, we find faults, we pick fights, we hurt the very people we don't actually mean to hurt.

the thing is, while many like to think that this is only applicable to romantic love, it works very much for family love as well. well, in some part, that romantic love does eventually become 'family'. one takeaway that has truly stuck was this phrase: "pick your battles". i scoffed at the idea at first. but it's true, and it truly has been a good reminder. to find the balance between giving and taking, straddling between selfish and selfless - that, in itself, is a true art. mastering that will almost guarantee a successful recipe for fanning the flame of love.

for all Your goodness i will keep on singing,

10,000 reasons for my heart to find.