I've been 99% rejected for McGill, York and Toronto already.
Because my CAP (3.91) is too low.
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I've been exhibiting really disgraceful behaviour today: crying/tearing while thinking of rejections in general. Yes, for those of you lucky not to have been reading this in early 2006, this isn't the first time I'm dealing with severe disappointment due to rejection. Of course now I like to think that I'm more matured and controlled and better at dealing with rejection, but nobody applies for anything hoping to be rejected. (Don't bother searching for those posts, I've censored them)
Although I won't deny that talking about exchange or mcgill or montreal now gives me this little pinch on my heart, kinda like when friends who were successful in medical school applications were excitedly chatting about life ahead of them and me sitting there trying not to let pain show, or tears leak. I think I did pretty well perfecting my expressionless face then though. Haha. Am going to need it for the next few weeks methinks. The last thing I need is to show exactly how badly affected I am by the predetermined SEP results during the interview itself, though I'm sure that'd won't change the coordinator's decisions already.
I mean, I can talk about it la, but I need to be able to do it in a rational, objective manner and not let it be clouded by emotions and tears and whatever else because crying isn't going to solve anything at the grand old age of 20. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to actually stop tears of disappointment leaking everytime I encounter a new setback ever since syf2003. I didn't even cry as hard when I didn't get into NY before appealing, but memorable unreasonable bad tears since then include syf03, ss prelim paper results, BT1 results, pre-syf05 and (starting from 2006) A level results, followed by frequencies of at least twice a week at night due to 1. worry over medical school application, 2. rejection, 3. having to study science in nus, 4. rejection, 5. parting. (grandma's death not included in the list) I've stopped since 2007 started, well, mostly, but it restarted during the summer and hasn't ceased yet.
I need to figure out how to dam the tears. This is ridiculous, I'm 20, and I think I've cried more in my 19th and 20th year than the last decade and 5 years altogether. At this age I'm supposed to be more mature, more stable, more dignified (damn I sound like an active enzyme in optimal pH) but its not happening! In fact, I seem to be regressing. Then again considering that medicine was the sole reason why I chose to do science in JC, the one thing that I really wanted since sec2 (I mean besides syf results and O and A level grades - related, actually), it isn't surprising that I was that badly hit, after all. And now that mcgill and montreal were the final nails in the coffin for the decision to pull out of LPP and I have been denied a chance to go on SEP (ironic isn't it? It seems like admission cut-off is always higher in the year that I apply for anything)... I'm already handling it pretty well. I refuse to bawl my eyes out in the style reminiscent of 2006. I will handle this in a dignified and composed manner. I give myself one more day to mourn the loss of my SEP, permit 2 episodes of tearing at the most, and then its going to be business as usual. Its just SEP, for heaven's sake! GET A GRIP WILL YOU. Its just a city in north america, its just another university. Life as I know it isn't going to end even if I don't spend a semester there. I care enough to be disappointed that it has led to this, in fact I think I care TOO MUCH which is why I'm reacting this way but NO I will not obsess over it. I will not care beyond, I will not obsess pathologically, what is required of any student who has just been rejected.
There's nothing much else I can do now, though I'd still give the interview my best shot even if I'm pretty much flogging a dead horse, but if I wallow in self pity and utter misery I'd lose too much momentum, my grades will suffer and I'd slip even further from graduate medicine. As it is my CAP is 1. too low for SEP, 2. too low for medical school (at least mid 2nd upper honours). While I cannot do anything for the 1st now, I still have the 2nd to work for.
Of course, I'd continue to learn French; I have plans for that language that stretches beyond SEP =)
I'm very disappointed, of course, and I don't think I intend to consider/accept the office's allocation of glueth (however you spell it) even though I left my name against it (the ONLY canadian university left), but its not going to define my life. Although I'm starting to 1. seriously doubt my own abilities and 2. be convinced that an opinion of me being incapable of achieving anything great is actually true. The horror. Its going to be self fulfilling if I don't actually succeed at anything soon, because my multiple failures at actually getting what I apply for is really doing wonders for my self esteem.
This post is pretty self-indulgent actually. Ah well. Once off. End of unhealthy musings and self pity and whatever else. Life Goes On.
