the calm before the storm.

i would like to denounce the title of this entry as a big fat liar because i'm as far as being calm as the north and south pole is apart.

good that i'm working the later shift today or else i'd just sit at home and worry worry worry all the way to tmr. =(

i'm already semi-off food. i'd like to see myself actually eat anything for breakfast or lunch tmr, with the memory of eating less than $2 worth of a $6 lunch at prince on the day of the release of o level results in 2003 still fresh in my mind.

and sadly for me, i have a headache brewing too.

okay, ideally, what i'd like to see tmr is a report slip with 4As and A1 for gp. BUT i know my math and/or econs is a gone case, and gp's really hard to predict, so the very least i will accept and TRY not to grumble and feel sad too much is 3As, 1B and A2. i will not necessarily be happy over the above, but at least its still acceptable enough to compete for places in med schools overseas if i cant get in here.

i shall allow myself to feel sad, depressed and suicidal (in varying degrees) if:

a) there is any C grade or worse
b) there are only 2As or less
c) B3 or worse for gp
d) i dont have As for biology and chemistry
e) any combination/all of the above

that should safely cover all aspects of me moping and worrying for the last few days.

sigh.

we're down to 19 hrs before the a level results are released, people! are YOU excited? coz i sure as hell am not.

nothing in particular

2006 is really a testing year for me. life's making me learn a lot, both the good, the bad and the painful. and february's not over yet.

how i hope this is in preparation of the physical and mental stress i'd have to endure as a doctor. (meaning i do get a smooth entry into medical school) now if only that's the idea...


the good....
for one i'm more thick skinned now, and have less qualms dealing with people, in person or over the phone. though it still doesnt take much for me to feel like ignoring someone completely when i'm really irritated. =X patience, patience...

plus i'm not so naive anymore.


the bad....
i'm starting to adopt the "i'm only the temp staff" attitude at work. aka the i-do-what-is-required-of-me-and-i-dont-know-anything-else mentality. essentially i'm trying to make sure i dont stick my head out and i cover my ass. sometimes its hard (like the previous entry would testify) and sometimes i'm quite disgusted at myself for doing this but i dont want to end up facing the wrong end of a cannon. so i'm more careful with what i say and do and i make sure i ask when in doubt. (which probably drives my colleages up the wall and leads them into thinking that i'm really quite a hopeless case) but i suppose this is necessary in life, where people wont be so willing in giving second chances after a big screw up unlike in school where there's always room for reversing. better to stay out of trouble than be in a position where my livelihood/future/whatever would depend on the magnanimity of the person i offended.

and maybe i'm more cynical now. which isnt a good thing, is it?


and the painful....
i'm trying to learn how to get on with life after bereavement. it hits back when you least expect it, when you think that you're okay. and my level of concentration has also fallen. it takes double the effort to make sure i dont mess up anything on the job. maintaining standard of work done when one is experiencing personal grief isnt easy. working in the same building in which my grandma died in doesnt help things. i know what my mum feels when she says that she'd nv step into ttsh again. i'm not that extreme with regards to ttsh, but.. it just isnt the same.

i'm leaning abt letting go, and what it entails. some things are easier said than done. the doctors offered us a choice, to insert a tube which would drain bilirubin at the cost of great pain and prolonged suffering, or to let her go. i felt that letting her go was better, although the decision was otherwise. but the doctors never put the tube in coz she was too weak, and we ended up letting her go. so i got my choice. and although at that point in time i've already accepted it in theory, when it got down to it happening, slipping away, i realised i didnt want to let go, that no matter what your brain thinks is right under such circumstances, your heart will betray you. life is never in black and white.

i know i'm not exactly a long suffering, resilient, accepting individual in the face of adversity, but i'm worse than i thought. much to learn, much to learn.


good for me if my a level results put me in the top half of the school instead of the bottom half; i really want to be cheered up. i know its quite pathetic of me to place so much emphasis on something as insignificant as grades in the grand scheme of life, but the fact remains that it is quite a big issue currently. =( i really want to believe that after slinging so much muck at me, life would only get better, but...

-phew-

ytd's shift was a nightmare.

i hate being cashier coz the chance of screwing up is uncomfortably high. and well, ytd being the first time working on a sun night with no perm staff ard for me to consult immediately when in doubt, a screw up was really kinda inevitable.

the story goes: patient comes in with an insurance provider i've never seen before, but file says that its accepted by clinic. so okay lor, i try to register patient as per normal, but when its time to collect payment, system cannot generate bill. i do everything i can think of, follow instructions in file, even swopping computers with friend but nooo system still cannot generate bill. by then 10 mins have passed and i still have to collect money from other patients who have to pay upfront. desperate, i called for help but nooo response. die man. -push panic button- finally get thru but i couldnt get any decent answer. panic panic panic coz i cant possibly let patient go without paying. just then another colleague calls and thankfully she knows the correct thing to key in. so the system generated the bill and a great wave of relief rushes through me. except that i got washed off my feet, makes a basic error in billing and yaaaaaaaaaaay. good news is that there's no error in amt of money collected, bad news is that there's paperwork to be done to rectify mistake.

nvm now i'd have a chance to learn how to write a correction memo for the business office =X

and of course, someone who always does things perfectly would be in a position to grumble abt the mistake.

-i will not sling mud online-

3.5 more months to the end of this job. seriously, the people here are generally nice and the job's fairly simple, but the travelling time and a particular someone's way of doing things is really zapping off my zest for work. i'd quit if i can find another job as a clinic asst. nearer to jurong but even if i do find a job, i did promise to work till mid june. plus i think the sooner i lose my rose tinted glasses with regards to the world, the better. and this job's quite a good bleach.

diary-x

diary-x is officially killed with no backups, meaning that i've completely lost my 2 years of jc life.

i know this doesnt reflect well on me, i know i should have downloaded my journal, but

F***.

i feel like i've lost another person dear to me. i always thought that diary-x sucks, which is why i moved back to blogspot, but still it was my companion for 2 yrs, an outlet to vent my frustrations, record my happiest moments. and now its gone. i feel extremely murderous.

now its as though i nv lived through jc. that's how dependent on my online diaries i am.

if i dont get everything back its okay. but i WANT MY TLHY ENTRY, SYF ENTRY AND PROM ENTRIES BACK.

why did i ever choose diary-x?

i think this is a damn bad omen. maybe the powers that be are trying to tell me that i'm doomed to repeat my jc life aka my a level results are damn screwed.

i hate 2006.

ever the optimist

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, here it is. the singular event we've all been -not so eagerly- waiting for! (well, except maybe the guys holidaying on tekong) the imminent release of the -dreaded- a level results!!

-weak applause-

http://www.moe.gov.sg/press/2006/pr20060224.htm

1st march. jolly good way to start a brand new month. i mean, if i somehow or other scrape 4As and a A1/2 for gp it will be a damn good start (and a really nice change) BUT given how 2006 has turned out for me so far, chances of that happening are beyond astronomical. if i wind up with 2As 2Bs and B3 (or worse) i think i'd jump off a nice tall building or something. any suggestions?

so, if you pass by jurong west on 1st march and see a oily/bloody smear at the void deck you know what happened eh.

---------

this morning i was hugging my grandma.

then i gradually realised that i was actually gripping to my bolster extremely tightly. and i knew that i would never be able to hug her.

so i woke up crying. no need for alarm clock.

---------

went out with suan today and i signed up for malay language lessons. i think they changed the day of the lesson because of me. =X ah well. who wants to join meeee? its on every wednesday, 7-9.30pm starting 15th march. (or is it 25? hmm) i saw 2 bags i want, total cost will be less than $30 bucks. and this keychain i intend to hang on my bag. i'm already making plans for my salary. oops. and i want a blouse i saw too. uhh. money no enough. and maybe i'd go for sign language lessons with suan. haha

we covered the distance from city hall (penisular plaza) to far east plaza at orchard today! woohoooo! of course, being the imbecile i am, i deposited ALL the money my mum gave me + angpao money (ya i actually managed to collected some angpow money without visiting pple, they just passed the angpao to my parents) into my acct without leaving some for shopping, so i ended up buying only a pair of desperately needed slippers. i think i'd get at least one bag tmr. heh.

up and about.

i suddenly feel all galvanised to do stuff :) so i finally moved my butt down to bbdc to register for the super fei theory courses so that i can make use of my pdl and start to learn how to drive. except that i've already wasted 2 months of it. ah well.

looking forward to receiving my ffth volunteer's id card! and the first bread delivery next thursday! finally, after initially signing up with them in DECEMBER, i'm going to be doing something!!! i can hardly wait! lol hopefully i dont get lost =X now, where's robinson centre?

then again, since the results of the blasted a level exams are not coming out this fri, it will DEFINATELY be out next friday or else moe is really a slowpoke. which kind of casts a gloomy shadow over next week. sigh.

but ahhh what goes i've already psychoed myself for 3 weeks running about the impending doom and i dont really feel like doing it for the 4th week. come what may. i shall rely on stories of pple with 2-3As only for a levels getting into med fac as inspiration. -tinggggg-

i want to learn malay! but the timing of the courses i've enquired abt so far completely clash with my current schedule. -scream- i thought i could learn at jurong east but the available slots are on thurs (completely out since i gave thursdays to ffth already) and sat (4.30-7 which would entail a LOT of rushing since i end work at 4; might even have to leave early -_-). the other branch at city hall is slightly better with tues and sat, but the thought of reaching home at 11.30pm on tues and having to report for morning shift the following wednesday is slightly repulsive. making it to city hall by 4.30 from novena is okay logistically but i dont like to touch my saturday evenings coz it means that i prob cant go/will be late for gatherings and the like.

i think i can kiss my plans for taking another job goodbye eh. though its not as if i can find any clinic which needs night-time clinic asst. in jurong west/east willing to take students waiting for a level results. and volunteering with another organisation. i wanted to volunteer for ward play at kkh but uh, let's take things one at a time. (though i think this will nv materialise)

good news is, i'd be paid for sure next week! am going to check my bank acct every day. lol

now to do some research abt the location of robinson centre, as well as get acquainted with the layout of queenstown. dont want to screw up and get lost next week with bag(s) of bread. will look damn stupid.

this sounds wrong

everytime i see an old woman shuffling/hobbling/being wheeled past my field of vision right here i cant help but think why, why did it have to be my otherwise healthy grandma struck down by cancer. i'm not wishing for some of the pple out there to drop dead, but i cant help but think that it's all very unfair. some patients have chronic diseases which they battle for agonising years and are still around today; but she had to get a cancer with an extremely poor prognosis and go a month after diagnosis. its especially cruel when you think of the fact that she suffered a lot of hardship in her earlier years, and that she was looking forward to going marketing again without feeling pain in her knee after the knee replacement surgery.

ytd the doc asked me if i was okay. i lied. how can i be? i still feel extremely hollow, as though i had ripped my heart out from its place and flung it into the sea, leaving behind the echo of empty space. and i discovered to my horror that my tear ducts are actually still doing business as usual instead of striking.

i need more time. apologies to anyone to whom i've displayed a more distant side recently

--------

some people have no ethics.

--------

dan doesnt look too good. he looks more scrawny than rotound now and its honestly disturbing when you consider that a diet halved in content for the last few months didnt make a dent in his shape. the flesh just melted off in 2 days. i'm afraid to go home today to a dead hamster in a sad cage.

hazy's still her neurotic self. which is a good thing. the day she becomes a tame, gentle hamster would be a very disturbing day indeed.

--------

i wonder when the a level results are coming out. sure, the mere thought of it still sends my stomach plunging right to the very depths of where they can sink to, but i'm currently at this stage where it doesnt seem to matter very much. though the idea of never being a doctor with due regards to my sucky results gives me an extremely sick feeling and the urge to retch. its exactly how i felt when i thought abt not being able to make it to hc; but this time round its worse because its what i'd be doing with the rest of my life. its more than 2 yrs at stake here.

wai was saying that i ought to accept it if i dont make it to nus med, and choose something else instead of fruitlessly banging my head against the closed door, which makes me wonder where the distinction between being just plain stubborn and having the determination to chase my dreams is. if i'm not meant to be a doctor, i wont get admission to med school and so i should stop sounding the war cry against fate, but how would i know if i'm actually meant to take another path to reach my goal of being a doctor if i dont constantly bang my head against the door until another pathway opens?

---------

its freezing in the clinic. brrrrrr north pole man but i dont have polar bear insulation.

johari window

bored? sianed? do this!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=geraldineeeeeeee

just for the fun of it la. hahaha

my birthday post

yea its very outdated. 6 days late to be exact.

just thought i'd like to thank the people who wished me happy birthday, in order of when i received it: joan, wai, isaac, zhi-xuan, junhua, junjia, gladys, sien, karin, nat, hansheng, tongchong.

there wasnt really much to be happy abt, though i admit, as hs puts in, having my grandma out of suffering is by itself a very good birthday present. plus she went really really peacefully. and she didnt suffer the kind of terrible pain associated with cancer.

but of course, the selfish me would rather her still be around.

i'm typing this in the clinic (another lunch break) and for once in a very long time, i didnt have to stuff my food down my throat as quickly as i can so that i can go visit my grandma 6 floors up. it doesnt feel right, the fact that i wont see her in hospital, and neither would i see her at home. "godma's house" doesnt seem as right as "popo house."

and the pig in me cries for the delicious hainanese chicken rice, mushy porridge with fish, prawn, softened cabbage among other delicious ingredients and fried rice i'd never taste again, plus the sichuan veg and pork rib soup which nobody else in the family likes but will still appear on the dining table because i whined to my grandma a day ago that i felt like drinking it. sure, the maid can cook chicken rice and fried rice but it doesnt taste as good, and my mum's porridge as a substitute is really terrible.

bahh. it'd take a long time to get over her absence. its been a week and i still feel like crying. and i've to open clinic soon. shit.

---

in memory of popo
1929 - 11 february 2006

zai jian le

i realise

i have freaking evil successors as ny guanyue sl juniors who always cheat my feelings during the release of o level results.

first zx told me that she got b3 for her chinese o level paper back in 2004 and we all didnt know what to tell her (seeing that it was xiaozu and all) then later when i asked if she's okie she said "of course la, A1 still not okie meh?" -BISH-

just now jh called me and said, in a very tearful voice, that she got 15 points for l1r5. and i looked at my watch (it said 3pm) and felt like hitting myself coz i couldnt go back ny and dunno, maybe console her or something? (though at the back of my mind i was wondering if she was bullshititng me coz she did say that if it was screwed up she wont tell me but i couldnt ask that, right?) then that wicked fella said "ger i tell you something.... i bluff you one." -BISH- to you too. but of course, congrats! =D hahaha

jh's trying to squeeze a treat out of me, which i agreed to only and only if i get 4As and A1/2 for my a levels or else she will have to treat me. and obviously that is really highly impossible given my atrocious math paper, so dear jh, you can start saving up. of course i'd rather gladly treat you, but probability is nearer to zero than one =(

sadly i find myself slowly sucumbing to the evil allure of the tv. whether the shows are of high quality or not, i will eventually turn my head towards it. die man, i need to find more work to do. stoning in front of the telly is strangely addictive (and dare i say this? mildly therapeutic)

acc to xiaoyan a level results will not be released next week =D which is both a relief and a burden.

shall continue tmr

and the nightmares begin...

the nightmares due to the imminent release of life-changing exam results are back. damn.

i dreamt i got 3 As and a C. no prizes for guessing which subject gets the C. all together now, mathematics.

actually, hip hip hurray for the 3 As, coz it actually includes ECONS which was uh, not so well done. not to mention the many many stupid mistakes in the bio and chem papers (in the dream at least, since we get our scripts back) but a C. die man.

not to mention that for some weird reason there was a b3 and a b4 printed on the result slip and well, either of this has to be my grade for gp right? WHICH IS A DISASTER BECAUSE I'M EXPECTING AN A FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a lousy dream.

anyway, the one week radius of bad luck surrounding my birthday is here. i shant bother all and sundry about the lousy details of my freaking lousy day (and week thus far) but believe me, it is here. have been late for various events, getting

on a very much sadder note, we're losing my grandma at a faster pace then previously thought.

another lunchtime (yea i'm terribly creative at titles, i know)

my blog is horribly stagnant. i know, i havent the time nor energy to do much updating and i didnt feel like it either.

i think there are many ex-hc students working in ttsh now. i already saw 3 different pple. plus me it'd make 4. maybe there are some more lurking around. or maybe i dont recognise them but we all hail from the same place. -_-

i'm bored. monday and tuesday were unexpectedly boring in the sense that it wasnt as busy. then again it was with some amusement that i could pick out the people who work in the same clinic as my godma who came in because i've been peering over her shoulder as she worked out the duty rosters every month at home.

i need to go register for driving lessons, my pdl is rotting away.

for the last 2 days i've been struck with the horrible thought that THE A LEVEL RESULTS ARE GOING TO BE OUT IN LESS THAN 2 WEEKS TIME and as of today, THERE ARE ONLY 9 DAYS LEFT. HELP. I DONT WANT TO KNOW THAT I'M THE BOTTOM 50% OF THE SCHOOL....!!!!!!!!!!

-crawls into a dark damp corner to cry-

and after the all horrible a level results are released, there's the university applications, interviews, essays and blah blah blah to be done. sigh.

on a slightly happier note, my birthday's this sunday! the last birthday before the first digit of my age changes again. and it didnt seem very long ago that i was all excited about having a double digit age as 12 feb 1997 drew near.

-retreats back into hole-

the glass is not half full; it is half empty.

i conclude, i'm not an optimist, i'm a true blue pessimist. hence i should stop deluding myself.

i have learnt that when you start off something thinking its all going to be screwed up, it IS going to be screwed up.

some mornings..

there are many ways of waking up in the morning, and waking up at 6am to a phone call from my godma saying that ttsh called abt my grandma's rapidly deteriorating condition isnt exactly how i envisioned myself getting up today. sigh.

i dont know what i should wish for, for her to be taken quickly so that she wont have to suffer anymore, or for her to somehow hang on until... after chinese new year? (this is for purely selfish reasons, i want her to be around for my birthday. not as though it'd be a celebration even if she hangs on till after feb 12, but still...)

------

that said, CO PEOPLE! if you guys are free or wad during the huayi festival, go to esplanade in the evening and watch the outdoor drum performance by a ensemble from taiwan. ITS FREAKING GOOD. its both an eye and ear opener man. if you're there, dont just listen, WATCH it. i've nv heard the songs before, quite interesting.

i like working on sat mornings, its nice and quiet. except that today i'd rather not be working and up there in the ward. but not as though anything can be done. guess lunch with 4/6 people is out of the qn.

actually i have loads to blog about but i really dont feel like it.

i feel like...... zzz

have been up to my neck at work, and none of it remotely interesting apart from the routine registrations and blah blah blah so i dont have much to talk about. i cant exactly talk abt unusual and irritating patients here can i? -zip-

its almost 2 and many many many patients are standing/sitting outside the clinic glaring reproachfully at us for refusing to open the door for them to be kiasu and take queue numbers ahead of everyone else.

that's it i guess, i wanted to make sure there's no opportunity for mosquitoes to breed in here.