Father's Day is approaching in New Zealand and I've recently just listened to
ABG's podcast episode on AsianBossDads. Getting older makes one reflect more on life too. I also liked the questions that the ABGs asked each other and thought this would make a good place for me to put down memories of daddy before it disappears. A disclosure, I am pretty much just copying most of ABG's questions.
How would you describe your relationship with your father?
My dad worked and travelled a lot when I was young. I don't remember much but I know he was always travelling to where his company sends him which led us to travel to Hong Kong, Thailand and USA together. He was a workaholic so we would rarely see him during weekdays and most weekends. He does work from home sometimes but we are not allowed to disturb him. Mother was mostly the one involve in our day-to-day upbringing. Daddy just makes big decisions. We have an easy-going relationship. My father doesn't enforce expectations or even have expectations (or he could have but he never communicates them to me). I mean, being Asian, you know what they would like but my schooling was pretty easy-going. I can remember me spending night times (the period between where you're in your pyjamas but not in a sleepy mode yet) in my parents' room, just watching TV, chilling or reading. I really enjoyed those and I would like that for my future family.
How do you think being Asian/Chinese plays a role with your father?
We are definitely a typical Asian no-display-of-affection kind of family. I don't remember daddy actually saying I love you or you know being like Danny Tanner but he shows his love to my brother and I by providing for us. We did not lack in anything (of course, I think the first two years of my life was not that easy) - we could have pretty much anything we want.
In Asian culture, we don't really talk about or even show feelings. It is true we don't really say I love you out loud to each other - even now. With emoticons, it's slightly easier now.
I remember when brother and GF (now wifey) came over for a holiday and when I was sending them off, we just waved and said bye. GF thought it was strange that my brother and I didn't hug goodbye. To us, that was completely normal. We have only recently been a huggy kinda family.
What is the one thing that you have inherited from your father?
His love for reading. Although we probably don't read the same genre. It was the one thing we share. I remember going to the bookshop with my dad - you know Popular or MPH. (MPH in Midvalley was my favouritest bookshop ever. Because Midvalley was so big so it'll take even longer for my mum to shop which means longer time in the bookshop!) And he would buy me books which I totally get excited about or we would just spend hours at the bookshop - him browsing through the business and autobiography section while I read through the children's fiction section. I remember mum comparing me and my dad liking to have a stack of books by our bed (or in my case, on my bed). He had lots of books and I feel it's so sayang to just give it away without going through it first. I might use the CNY holiday to go through the books. We are both the quiet kind and we both wake up early. I remember daddy talking about waking up at 5am and not being able to sleep so he would just start working in the study room or sometimes watch TV. We also like to watch TV as another way to relax. I remember us watching TV together. This is in my mind because my brother never watches TV. He only watches the geographical channel (boring) and even then, rarely. I also remember daddy always falling asleep towards the end of a show and possibly waking up in intervals. I also probably got my brain for numbers from daddy. He was a Chartered Accountant. Another thing that I've probably inherited would be his loyalty. He has never changed company and have followed his boss through different companies - as I understand it. I think I'm pretty similar.
I've never actually thought about his relationship with his family. I feel like my dad is quite filial. He calls popo periodically and makes all of us visit her every few months. Going back for festivals and events. We have celebratory dinners like Mother's Day or popo's birthday and he and pakpak would always foot the bill. It's a very Asian thing for the sons to be responsible for these kinda things. I remember a story from one of my aunties that my father had his hair combed for him up until Standard 3. It's very interesting how both my parents are the only English educated ones in their family. The rest of their family knows Mandarin and can read and write except for my parents. So, I have always grown up in an English speaking family. It's funny how I'm working in a Mandarin-oriented environment now.
Besides your own dad, do you have any other father figures you look up to?
Not really while growing up. I do remember having two "mummies and daddies" when I was still going to the babysitter. But I quickly grew out of it. For now, somebody whom I can kinda look up to would be my current boss and the accountant. Not really looking up but people whom I can see qualities I would want in my future husband or they would remind me of daddy.
Thinking about your future children, what are the qualities you would like to really see in your partner/father-figure?
In our household, my mum made day-to-day decisions. As my father was away quite a bit and he wasn't really a handyman (also procrastinating skills), my mum is the one that changes the lightbulbs and pays the bills (using my dad's money of course!). They make big decisions together, like buying a house or making investments. To my surprise, when I came to Christchurch, I found out that changing lightbulbs was not something a woman does. As well as climbing ladders among other things. I don't mind the above setup and I really like the chillness that my father had while I was growing up.
And I have this thing with finances. I would like us to be completely transparent. If he is better with handling money, then by all means, I would give it all to him (and still know what is happening) but if I am better, then I would like to be in charge.
The more I look at Bumble, the more I think I would prefer an Asian husband. It just makes things easier. Would be preferable for him to have a good command of English too so that it's easier to argue. Ha!
My father does not like people using their horn to announce their arrival. The whole family is also trained to be quiet whenever he is on the phone. These two things are things I would like to continue in my own family someday, hopefully.
My father passed away the day before I turned 20. It was sudden. For the past 12 years, of course there were times where I really missed daddy but it is what it is and I think I wouldn't be where I am today if daddy was still alive. The saddest thing is that he won't be able to walk me down the aisle and he didn't get to meet my sister-in-law. I've always wondered what their relationship would look like. I'm also guessing my brother wouldn't be where he is now if daddy was still alive. I know we always have our heavenly Father with us but it's still not the same as having an earthly father. I am thankful that I always have God to count on though. Pretty sure the 12 years would be even harder without Him.
Happy Father's Day.
