I have tried to write this several times over the last few weeks. I keep trying to make it shorter, but alas I have the Newbold Curse and we just cannot keep things short. We like to hear the sound of our own voice. So, I apologize in advance for the length and detail of this. But, like I said, "this is for posterity." (name that movie)
In order for you to understand the title of this post, I have to start at the beginning. May 2, 2016 was the morning I got the text that my dad had had a heart attack and was not doing well, I was in a hotel in St. George on a little family trip. My first impression was that he was not going to make it. Almost 10 years prior my dad had a heart attack and bounced back quickly. That morning he was happy and trying to make us laugh like he usually did. But that morning, I read the text to my husband and I said, I don't think he's going to make it this time. I hated thinking that and I wasn't ready to accept that. So I sent everyone down to breakfast and took a moment. First of all, I was freaking out because I was not near my Mom to be a comfort to her. In fact, I was hours away. Usually I deal with my trials by going into "business mode." I am the oldest and I knew that I needed to be there to be strong and comforting...but I was hours away and left to my own thoughts which is never a good thing. I immediately started praying for my angels to come and comfort me. But they did not come. My two usual angels that have been there with me through so many hard times are my Grandma Dianne, who is my dad's mother, and my Grandpa Durrant, who is my mother's father. I got worried at their absence. It did not comfort me at all. Obviously my grandma was with my dad and I begged her not to take him without me there, and I knew that my grandpa was with my mom to comfort her, even if she did not know it. I started panicking and prayed even more for peace and comfort. At that moment I felt an overwhelming presence of a spirit. The spirit of a baby boy. He said that he was here to comfort me, told me his name and I knew then and there that he was a baby that was meant to come to our family. I felt his presence with me so clearly that I thought I was already pregnant. I thanked him for being there and prayed for my dad again to not be taken without me there. I then had the very strong impression that my dad was being given the choice to stay on earth or stay on the other side of the Veil. I looked up to the ceiling and pointed fiercely and begged him to choose to stay. After talking with my mom on the phone about dad's condition we decided to stay and finish our vacation as planned. It was our first time to Zion's and I knew I probably wouldn't make it back there anytime soon. My dad was going to be in a medically induced coma for the next 24 hours to give his body time to heal so there was nothing I could do. Of course I thought about my dad the entire time, but I was at peace and knew that he would still be there when I arrived. The drive home was the absolute longest of my life and the drive to the hospital that night was the fastest of my life. I don't remember to much about that first night. I remembered my first impression about him not making it and I also remembered that he was being given the choice. I just kept praying that he would choose to stay. Throughout the next 24 hours I could tell that making this decision was a very difficult one for my dad, I can't explain the feelings but I could feel the struggle he was having. I knew he was worried about my mom, but I could also understand why he would want to stay. Who wouldn't want to stay in Heaven with their parents who had passed several years ago? Who wouldn't want to stay in Heaven with ancestors? This was not an easy decision for my father and he took it seriously. I felt the conflict he was having. I just prayed and prayed and prayed. I kept having scriptures come to my mind. Scriptures about rising on the third day. Alma the Younger was unconscious for 2 days while being taught by the Angel and rose on the third day. King Lamoni was also unconscious for 2 days while being taught by Angels and rose on the third day. The Savior was dead for 2 days and rose on the third day. I felt that this was the Spirit telling me to have faith and that my father would rise on the third day. I held on to that and soon my prayers changed. When they released my dad from the coma, things were not looking well. The doctor was not hoepful, make that not helpful, in fact, make that downright rude. My mom and sisters were not impressed with her and her lack of bedside manner. My mom pretty much demanded that we wanted more time, and a second opinion. I have never seen my mom stand up to anyone like that. And that's when Father taught me lesson number 1, my mom was strong and was going to take care of herself just fine. To make this story shorter, I will skip a few parts. My mom had said that she wasn't getting any clear feelings about what to do. I told her it was because it wasn't our decision to make, it was his. She looked at me and told me I was right. And then asked, "but how will we know what he has decided?" I said, oh you'll know mom. I had begged my mom to also get a second blessing. I had missed the first one and I wanted another one. I was so positive that my faith would heal my dad. Not just make him better and that he would heal, but that he would be WHOLE. He would rise on the third day completely whole. She suggested Brad Smith and Marty Utley who are more than just friends, they are family. It's hard to find the words that really describe what these two men mean to me in my life, but family is the closest I can come to. My dad served as a counselor to Brad when he was Bishop. He was the kind of Bishop who was so close to the Spirit that if he told me to dig a hole in my backyard I would dig it without question. Anyway, while we waited for them to come, the second dr. came in to give us his opinion. While it was pretty much what we had already heard, it was said in much nicer words and with sympathy towards us. It was the first time that I was hearing the prognosis, and I did not like what I heard. In fact, when I heard the words that my dad was asystolic when the paramedics arrived I said to myself (and possibly out loud) he never should have been brought here. Even with my limited medical terminology I knew what that meant, he was pretty much already gone. But I knew that my dad was still being given the choice and therefore, that was the reason why they were able to get his heart going again. Even though they had a very difficult time doing that. But those scriptures came to mind yet again, and so I renewed my faith and knew my father would rise. The doctor proceeded to say that people who had been without oxygen as long as my father usually did not recover. He said verbatim. "miracles do happen," and he looked directly at me and we held eye to eye contact, "but they are few and far between and that is why they are miracles." I held his gaze while I thought the words, "and you are about to witness a miracle!" I was not giving up my hope. I was fired up and ready to go when Brad and Marty arrived to give my dad his blessing. I was even more pumped when Brad opened the blessing by calling my dad back to us and to be healed! My sister Kayla and I were holding hands during the blessing and we tightened our grip. Yes! I was right! and then he said the word but....NO! NO! NO! NO BUTS! "but if the Savior needs you to be there, we know what you will choose." No, my heart sank to my feet. I was happy to know that I had been right about my dad being given the choice, but I was not happy to hear that we knew what he would choose because of course my dad would choose to do what the Savior asked of him. Brad proceeded to talk about my mom. He told my dad that he knew he worried about my mom and that she would be well taken care of. That her children would be here for her and that there were many family and friends who would also be there to help and support her. And he also said that my mother was strong, which I had already learned earlier that day. These were words that my dad needed to hear because I knew that was a part of his struggle in making his decision. I don't remember anything else that was said except the end because Brad had closed the blessing by again, calling my dad back (YES!) BUT if the Savior needed him we knew what his choice would be. (NO!) After my dad's blessing, they offered blessings to my mom and sister and I. My sister's husband was there so he gave her a blessing first. I still prayed that he would be healed. Then I asked Marty to give me a blessing. While he was giving me the blessing I was also praying and told Heavenly Father that I had the faith to make my father whole and I felt it with every fiber of my being. While I was praying for that, I remember hearing Marty say that the Holy Ghost was strong with me and that my faith was strong and I had that overwhelming feeling again that my dad was going to be healed because of my faith. I heard the words that because my faith was so strong my father would be healed. I was ecstatic and I was so happy! I didn't hear any other part of my blessing...and perhaps I should have because maybe it would have explained the misunderstanding I had later on with my impression. After my blessing, Brad gave my mom a blessing. While my mom was being given her blessing I was standing next to my dad, holding his hand, just so excited that we were going to witness a miracle. I felt so sure that this miracle would help turn my brother around who had fallen away from his strong testimony of the gospel, and that it would also be a turning point for my sister who had long since fallen away as well. I knew that they would not be able to deny the Lord's hand in this and they could not deny the healing power of faith and the Priesthood. Little did I know that during her blessing my dad was telling my mom in his own special way that he had made his decision. I did not hear a word of her blessing. I don't know if she did either. But she had received his answer. That is her experience to share but when she told us what that decision was, I fought hard against it. How could that be? After the strong witness I had received how could that be the decision? I didn't understand why I was given false hope! That wasn't how Heavenly Father worked! That night, while I sat with my mom in the room with my sister I looked over at my dad, He was partly hidden from my view because of the monitors and all I could see was his face and I knew...his Spirit had briefly left and he had made his decision. Once we had said all we could say, we all tried to sleep. But what we did was hid under the covers and silently sobbed to ourselves. We had to cover up the monitors because they had pretty much confirmed what we just couldn't accept, his body was not fighting to live anymore. It was hard to watch. We felt bad that we were putting his body through this, but we had to keep him "alive" a little longer so that our family had a chance to say goodbye in the morning. That night was a long one. I struggled. Not with my dad's decision, but with the false hope I felt I had been given. Even though I knew his Spirit had left his body during the night, I believe that it had returned that morning while we each took our turns to say goodbye. When it was my turn to say goodbye all I could do was lay on my dad and say over and over, "Daddy, I don't understand! I don't understand!" I didn't understand why I was given those scriptures. Why was I given that faith? Why was I given the undeniable conviction that my dad would be healed? And I felt incredibly guilty because I had led my family to believe in that false hope. Or at least, they humored me and I thought they also believed. The song playing while I said goodbye to my dad was "Give A Little Bit Of Your Love To Me." I felt that it was my dad telling me to trust him. That this truly was the best decision. I heard these words whispered to my heart, "What I need to do, I can do better on this side of the Veil." I immediately thought of my brother and sister. I have been praying for my brother, especially, to have his own "Alma the Younger Experience," and I knew that my dad would be the Angel to teach my brother and help him turn around. I also knew that my dad could penetrate my sister's heart and soul as a spirit himself. He had done all he could for them on earth as their physical father, and now he could do more for them as a spirit. I had no idea that he would be teaching me as well. In his final moments, I held my dad's hand and I felt him squeeze my hand. The doctors might tell me that it was an involuntary movement, but I don't believe that. My dad knew what I needed and even in his dying moments, he was there for me. And he has been there for me ever since.
So, now that you have the set-up, we can get to all of the things my Father has taught me from the other side of the Veil. You will notice that I capitalized Father because it represents both my Heavenly Father's lessons and my Earthly Father's lessons. The first lesson is that everyone grieves differently. Everyone has their own personal way of dealing with trials. The first lesson I learned was that my Father in Heaven truly knows me and how I deal with things. When I prayed for comfort, he comforted me in the way that I personally needed. He knows I have to understand and learn. That I need to understand the why's and what-for's and learn something from the trials I am going through. So, this is my personal way of dealing with the grief. I never got angry with Heavenly Father for taking my dad too soon. I was only deeply confused about the false hope and false sense of strong faith.
Which leads into the next lesson I learned: Satan is real. I knew that. I believed that. But I did not fully understand it. He also knows us personally. Because he does not have a physical body he cannot hurt us physically. We do that to ourselves by falling into the temptations and making wrong choices. But because he is a Spirit being, he can get to our very souls. During the first few weeks of my dad's passing I had weird dreams. Dreams about my dad. He was in them as if he truly were there. They always started out fine, but then they would change. I could see them change. It was my dad that always changed. One minute we are walking side by side and I see him as he was on earth, and the next minute I look at him and he has physically changed to a man with long, greasy hair and completely gross features. I can't even explain it. In one dream we were talking when he suddenly got anxious and said he was late and that he needed to go. He had to go and protect his Lyn. I got scared and kept asking him what he meant. But I never found out. The last dream I had of him he came to me just fine and then got confused and said he had been jipped. That he had made the wrong decision. That his cardiologist had said he had been jipped and this shouldn't have happened. He was unhappy in Heaven and he shouldn't have made that choice. That's when I realized that Satan had been infiltrating my dreams. I remember trying to pull myself into consciousness and felt a very dark and evil something coming up from behind me. I was paralyzed with fear and prayed that Father would cast out Satan from my presence. I bolted up and was awake and kept praying. I had just learned personally that Satan was trying to use my dad against me. That scared me. Throughout the coming weeks he would also use my own faith and testimony against me. What difference did it make how much faith I had? If it wasn't the Father's will then it wasn't going to happen anyway, no matter how much faith I had. What difference did scripture study and prayer make? Heavenly Father was in control no matter what I did. These were the things that Satan tried to get me to believe, and sadly I listened a few times. It was a constant battle and if I let my guard down for one minute, he had control. It was exhausting. Two months after my dad passed, I had a miscarriage. I was almost 10 weeks along with the baby I was sure had come to comfort me. So, naturally I was confused again. Why would the Lord send me this spirit to comfort me and tell me he was supposed to come to our family and then take him away? Now, I was mad at the Lord. I just couldn't understand it. I didn't believe that this was the end and that this spirit really wasn't coming to our family. I didn't believe the thoughts of "maybe he just needed to come for his body and that's it." For several months I struggled with the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant. Every month was a huge disappointment and the anger towards the Lord would start all over again. One morning I was driving my daughter's carpool to school and I was having a particularly angry discussion with the Lord. I was telling him I was done. If it didn't matter what I did to be righteous because he was just going to do whatever He wanted anyway, then I was going to do whatever I wanted. I don't remember everything I said or thought but I do remember it was bad. I do remember that I knew I didn't believe anything I was thinking but I couldn't stop myself. Things were getting bad, and then all of a sudden I felt a "whoosh" through my heart as if something had been swept away. It took my breath away for a minute. I felt lighter and as if I was being awakened. I had realized in that moment that I was driving! And then, I thought, that was you dad wasn't it. You just removed Satan from my heart. I had let him into my heart! I had no idea things were that bad for me! But I immediately gave thanks to my Father in Heaven and my dad for helping me and saving me. And I started on a journey of healing and renewing my faith and testimony in the gospel that I loved and knew was true. I am a very competitive person and love a challenge and Satan had just thrown down the gauntlet...challenge accepted! I had a clearer understanding that Satan was real.
A week before I learned about my miscarriage, I attended the funeral of my friend's father who had just passed away much in the same way as my father. We were new members of a club we didn't not want to belong to. After the funeral I went to my father's grave to visit him and talk with him. This is where I learned another lesson. I was still hung up on the false hope. I talked to him about it and my father and I had a very spiritual conversation. I learned that yes, I had the faith and my dad would have been healed and made whole, but that was not what he chose. He had an important work to do. Yes he could do it on earth, and he was given the choice to stay and do it on earth. But for how much longer we would never know, because he knew that what he had to do he could do better on the other side of the Veil. I was not given false hope. My faith was strong. I did receive the confirmation that he would have been healed...had he chosen to be. I knew this was right. I knew it was true and I accepted it whole heartedly and felt overwhelming comfort and peace. I said, ok dad. What can I do here to help you there? I had a clearer understanding of faith, healing, and testimony. I haven't questioned it since.
In January, I was called to be a Gospel Doctrine teacher. This year we are studying the Doctrine and Covenants. So many amazing lessons to learn. But one thing I had learned was the Atonement. Yes, most of us look at the Atonement as redeeming us from our sins. But I learned that it is so much more than that. He took upon himself ALL the pains and sufferings. Not just from sin, but also the sorrow and pains from our trials. The sadness we feel when we lose a loved one, he has felt. Not only did he feel this personally while on earth with the loss of his friend Lazarus, (who yes, he did raise from the dead later...the greatest thing about death-Resurrection!!) but he also felt that sadness a hundred fold in the Garden of Gesthamane. We read in the scriptures that what we feel is only "the smallest, yea, even in the least degree you tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit." Just that smallest part hurts so badly I do not want to know what the whole sadness feels like! My relationship with my Savior grew closer and I knew when I was crying about losing my dad that He was there crying right along with me. He does not like to see us unhappy. It is not his mission to make us unhappy. While death is a part of the Plan of Salvation, He knows it is not a happy part for those of us left behind. But something that we will all experience. I had a clearer understanding about the Atonement and that my Savior is real, he loves me, and suffers along with me.
A few months later, I was washing dishes. I seem to receive a lot of revelation while doing dishes or taking a shower. Again, the thought about my dad's choice and free agency came to mind. While washing dishes I was pondering on my upcoming lesson, that I actually ended up being out of town for. Anyway, the lesson was on the Law of Consecration and there was a quote in there about our will being the only thing that was truly ours to give to the Lord. We are in his debt for everything we have. He blesses us with everything. The only thing we truly own ourselves is our Agency. Our homes, cars, jobs, food, clothing, freedoms, everything can be taken from us...except our agency. I was thinking about this and out of the blue just asked the question, so what about my dad's choice? Did you influence him in anyway to "assist" him in making his choice? It was such a fleeting thought and I hadn't even realized I had asked it until the answer came so profoundly, "No! No, I did not influence him in anyway. Yes, he was given the choice and knew what each choice was about. Yes, you had such strong faith that I was bound to heal him and make him whole because of it. But he was the one who made the choice. Even if I had wanted him to stay, I did not make the choice. He did. I could not in any way interfere with his agency." I was so stunned by this and immediately knew it was true and it brought peace to my heart. I had a clearer understanding that Father cannot interfere with our agency. He is bound by that.
And the last lesson I have learned this year, I learned on May 2, 2017. Exactly one year from that dreadful morning I received the text. Remember my experience with the baby spirit? Remember that he told me his name? Well, when I heard the name I knew this experience was not something I was conjuring up to comfort myself. The name he told me was a name that Jason had suggested each time I was pregnant with a boy and each time I had said NO! to. Not because I had a bad name association with it, it just wasn't one of my favorites and not at the top of my list. The name this spirit spoke to me was Jeffrey Alan. Alan is my father's middle name. Of course I love that name! It's the name Jeffrey that I was not a huge fan of. Again, not because of association. Jason's cousin's name is Jeff and I know that my husband loves, looks up to, and admires his cousin. Growing up, one of my absolute best friend's name was Jeffrey. He was like a brother to me sometimes. I love the people, just not the name. When he told me his name I said, really? Well, ok, if that is the name you want, then that is the name you will have. I just have not been completely on board with it this entire time. It has bothered me but I just can't get any other name to feel right either. In the wee hours of the morning of May 2, I couldn't sleep. I was up just looking at my phone, reading my lesson, doing whatever I could while laying in my bed. I kept having the thought to look up what the name Jeffrey meant. I kept ignoring it. I finally tried to go back to sleep and turned off my lamp and laid down. The thought kept pestering me so I said, "Okay! Fine! I'll look it up!" So I did. The name Jeffrey means, "Gods Peace." And now this is my favorite name! This little spirit had come to me when I had prayed for peace and comfort. Of course his name will be Jeffrey! Alan had a few different meanings depending on the site you looked at but all of them fit my dad. The ones I liked were, Harmony, Noble, Handsome and Cheerful. Again, I had a clearer understanding that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and comforts me in personal ways for me. He knew I was struggling with the name and brought peace to my mind in the way I needed it. A year ago, I prayed for peace. Throughout the year I have continued to receive that peace little by little when I needed it. And a year later, I am still receiving "God's Peace."
