A "Clearer Understanding": Lessons I've learned this past year from my Father on the other side of the Veil

It has been one year since my dad passed away. That was a very difficult day and there was so much confusion and heartache for me. But this past year has been full of learning and "clearer understanding." I wanted to share my experiences this past year, mostly so I get it down on paper for posterity and remembrance, but also in the hopes that it helps someone else who may be in need of a clearer understanding.

 I have tried to write this several times over the last few weeks. I keep trying to make it shorter, but alas I have the Newbold Curse and we just cannot keep things short. We like to hear the sound of our own voice. So, I apologize in advance for the length and detail of this. But, like I said, "this is for posterity." (name that movie)

 In order for you to understand the title of this post, I have to start at the beginning. May 2, 2016 was the morning I got the text that my dad had had a heart attack and was not doing well, I was in a hotel in St. George on a little family trip. My first impression was that he was not going to make it. Almost 10 years prior my dad had a heart attack and bounced back quickly. That morning he was happy and trying to make us laugh like he usually did. But that morning, I read the text to my husband and I said, I don't think he's going to make it this time. I hated thinking that and I wasn't ready to accept that. So I sent everyone down to breakfast and took a moment. First of all, I was freaking out because I was not near my Mom to be a comfort to her. In fact, I was hours away. Usually I deal with my trials by going into "business mode." I am the oldest and I knew that I needed to be there to be strong and comforting...but I was hours away and left to my own thoughts which is never a good thing. I immediately started praying for my angels to come and comfort me. But they did not come. My two usual angels that have been there with me through so many hard times are my Grandma Dianne, who is my dad's mother, and my Grandpa Durrant, who is my mother's father. I got worried at their absence. It did not comfort me at all. Obviously my grandma was with my dad and I begged her not to take him without me there, and I knew that my grandpa was with my mom to comfort her, even if she did not know it. I started panicking and prayed even more for peace and comfort. At that moment I felt an overwhelming presence of a spirit. The spirit of a baby boy. He said that he was here to comfort me, told me his name and I knew then and there that he was a baby that was meant to come to our family. I felt his presence with me so clearly that I thought I was already pregnant. I thanked him for being there and prayed for my dad again to not be taken without me there. I then had the very strong impression that my dad was being given the choice to stay on earth or stay on the other side of the Veil. I looked up to the ceiling and pointed fiercely and begged him to choose to stay. After talking with my mom on the phone about dad's condition we decided to stay and finish our vacation as planned. It was our first time to Zion's and I knew I probably wouldn't make it back there anytime soon. My dad was going to be in a medically induced coma for the next 24 hours to give his body time to heal so there was nothing I could do. Of course I thought about my dad the entire time, but I was at peace and knew that he would still be there when I arrived. The drive home was the absolute longest of my life and the drive to the hospital that night was the fastest of my life. I don't remember to much about that first night. I remembered my first impression about him not making it and I also remembered that he was being given the choice. I just kept praying that he would choose to stay. Throughout the next 24 hours I could tell that making this decision was a very difficult one for my dad, I can't explain the feelings but I could feel the struggle he was having. I knew he was worried about my mom, but I could also understand why he would want to stay. Who wouldn't want to stay in Heaven with their parents who had passed several years ago? Who wouldn't want to stay in Heaven with ancestors? This was not an easy decision for my father and he took it seriously. I felt the conflict he was having. I just prayed and prayed and prayed. I kept having scriptures come to my mind. Scriptures about rising on the third day. Alma the Younger was unconscious for 2 days while being taught by the Angel and rose on the third day. King Lamoni was also unconscious for 2 days while being taught by Angels and rose on the third day. The Savior was dead for 2 days and rose on the third day. I felt that this was the Spirit telling me to have faith and that my father would rise on the third day. I held on to that and soon my prayers changed. When they released my dad from the coma, things were not looking well. The doctor was not hoepful, make that not helpful, in fact, make that downright rude. My mom and sisters were not impressed with her and her lack of bedside manner. My mom pretty much demanded that we wanted more time, and a second opinion. I have never seen my mom stand up to anyone like that. And that's when Father taught me lesson number 1, my mom was strong and was going to take care of herself just fine. To make this story shorter, I will skip a few parts. My mom had said that she wasn't getting any clear feelings about what to do. I told her it was because it wasn't our decision to make, it was his. She looked at me and told me I was right. And then asked, "but how will we know what he has decided?" I said, oh you'll know mom.  I had begged my mom to also get a second blessing. I had missed the first one and I wanted another one. I was so positive that my faith would heal my dad. Not just make him better and that he would heal, but that he would be WHOLE. He would rise on the third day completely whole. She suggested Brad Smith and Marty Utley who are more than just friends, they are family. It's hard to find the words that really describe what these two men mean to me in my life, but family is the closest I can come to. My dad served as a counselor to Brad when he was Bishop. He was the kind of Bishop who was so close to the Spirit that if he told me to dig a hole in my backyard I would dig it without question. Anyway, while we waited for them to come, the second dr. came in to give us his opinion. While it was pretty much what we had already heard, it was said in much nicer words and with sympathy towards us. It was the first time that I was hearing the prognosis, and I did not like what I heard. In fact, when I heard the words that my dad was asystolic when the paramedics arrived I said to myself (and possibly out loud) he never should have been brought here. Even with my limited medical terminology I knew what that meant, he was pretty much already gone. But I knew that my dad was still being given the choice and therefore, that was the reason why they were able to get his heart going again. Even though they had a very difficult time doing that. But those scriptures came to mind yet again, and so I renewed my faith and knew my father would rise. The doctor proceeded to say that people who had been without oxygen as long as my father usually did not recover. He said verbatim. "miracles do happen," and he looked directly at me and we held eye to eye contact, "but they are few and far between and that is why they are miracles." I held his gaze while I thought the words, "and you are about to witness a miracle!" I was not giving up my hope. I was fired up and ready to go when Brad and Marty arrived to give my dad his blessing. I was even more pumped when Brad opened the blessing by calling my dad back to us and to be healed! My sister Kayla and I were holding hands during the blessing and we tightened our grip. Yes! I was right! and then he said the word but....NO! NO! NO! NO BUTS! "but if the Savior needs you to be there, we know what you will choose." No, my heart sank to my feet. I was happy to know that I had been right about my dad being given the choice, but I was not happy to hear that we knew what he would choose because of course my dad would choose to do what the Savior asked of him. Brad proceeded to talk about my mom. He told my dad that he knew he worried about my mom and that she would be well taken care of. That her children would be here for her and that there were many family and friends who would also be there to help and support her. And he also said that my mother was strong, which I had already learned earlier that day. These were words that my dad needed to hear because I knew that was a part of his struggle in making his decision. I don't remember anything else that was said except the end because Brad had closed the blessing by again, calling my dad back (YES!) BUT if the Savior needed him we knew what his choice would be. (NO!) After my dad's blessing, they offered blessings to my mom and sister and I. My sister's husband was there so he gave her a blessing first. I still prayed that he would be healed. Then I asked Marty to give me a blessing. While he was giving me the blessing I was also praying and told Heavenly Father that I had the faith to make my father whole and I felt it with every fiber of my being. While I was praying for that, I remember hearing Marty say that the Holy Ghost was strong with me and that my faith was strong and I had that overwhelming feeling again that my dad was going to be healed because of my faith. I heard the words that because my faith was so strong my father would be healed. I was ecstatic and I was so happy! I didn't hear any other part of my blessing...and perhaps I should have because maybe it would have explained the misunderstanding I had later on with my impression. After my blessing, Brad gave my mom a blessing. While my mom was being given her blessing I was standing next to my dad, holding his hand, just so excited that we were going to witness a miracle. I felt so sure that this miracle would help turn my brother around who had fallen away from his strong testimony of the gospel, and that it would also be a turning point for my sister who had long since fallen away as well. I knew that they would not be able to deny the Lord's hand in this and they could not deny the healing power of faith and the Priesthood. Little did I know that during her blessing my dad was telling my mom in his own special way that he had made his decision. I did not hear a word of her blessing. I don't know if she did either. But she had received his answer. That is her experience to share but when she told us what that decision was, I fought hard against it. How could that be? After the strong witness I had received how could that be the decision? I didn't understand why I was given false hope! That wasn't how Heavenly Father worked! That night, while I sat with my mom in the room with my sister I looked over at my dad, He was partly hidden from my view because of the monitors and all I could see was his face and I knew...his Spirit had briefly left and he had made his decision. Once we had said all we could say, we all tried to sleep. But what we did was  hid under the covers and silently sobbed to ourselves. We had to cover up the monitors because they had pretty much confirmed what we just couldn't accept, his body was not fighting to live anymore. It was hard to watch. We felt bad that we were putting his body through this, but we had to keep him "alive" a little longer so that our family had a chance to say goodbye in the morning. That night was a long one. I struggled. Not with my dad's decision, but with the false hope I felt I had been given. Even though I knew his Spirit had left his body during the night, I believe that it had returned that morning while we each took our turns to say goodbye.  When it was my turn to say goodbye all I could do was lay on my dad and say over and over, "Daddy, I don't understand! I don't understand!" I didn't understand why I was given those scriptures. Why was I given that faith? Why was I given the undeniable conviction that my dad would be healed? And I felt incredibly guilty because I had led my family to believe in that false hope. Or at least, they humored me and I thought they also believed. The song playing while I said goodbye to my dad was "Give A Little Bit Of Your Love To Me." I felt that it was my dad telling me to trust him. That this truly was the best decision. I heard these words whispered to my heart, "What I need to do, I can do better on this side of the Veil." I immediately thought of my brother and sister. I have been praying for my brother, especially, to have his own "Alma the Younger Experience," and I knew that my dad would be the Angel to teach my brother and help him turn around. I also knew that my dad could penetrate my sister's heart and soul as a spirit himself. He had done all he could for them on earth as their physical father, and now he could do more for them as a spirit. I had no idea that he would be teaching me as well. In his final moments, I held my dad's hand and I felt him squeeze my hand. The doctors might tell me that it was an involuntary movement, but I don't believe that. My dad knew what I needed and even in his dying moments, he was there for me. And he has been there for me ever since.

 So, now that you have the set-up, we can get to all of the things my Father has taught me from the other side of the Veil. You will notice that I capitalized Father because it represents both my Heavenly Father's lessons and my Earthly Father's lessons. The first lesson is that everyone grieves differently. Everyone has their own personal way of dealing with trials. The first lesson I learned was that my Father in Heaven truly knows me and how I deal with things. When I prayed for comfort, he comforted me in the way that I personally needed. He knows I have to understand and learn. That I need to understand the why's and what-for's and learn something from the trials I am going through. So, this is my personal way of dealing with the grief. I never got angry with Heavenly Father for taking my dad too soon. I was only deeply confused about the false hope and false sense of strong faith. 

Which leads into the next lesson I learned: Satan is real. I knew that. I believed that. But I did not fully understand it. He also knows us personally. Because he does not have a physical body he cannot hurt us physically. We do that to ourselves by falling into the temptations and making wrong choices. But because he is a Spirit being, he can get to our very souls. During the first few weeks of my dad's passing I had weird dreams. Dreams about my dad. He was in them as if he truly were there. They always started out fine, but then they would change. I could see them change. It was my dad that always changed. One minute we are walking side by side and I see him as he was on earth, and the next minute I look at him and he has physically changed to a man with long, greasy hair and completely gross features. I can't even explain it. In one dream we were talking when he suddenly got anxious and said he was late and that he needed to go. He had to go and protect his Lyn. I got scared and kept asking him what he meant. But I never found out. The last dream I had of him he came to me just fine and then got confused and said he had been jipped. That he had made the wrong decision. That his cardiologist had said he had been jipped and this shouldn't have happened. He was unhappy in Heaven and he shouldn't have made that choice. That's when I realized that Satan had been infiltrating my dreams. I remember trying to pull myself into consciousness and felt a very dark and evil something coming up from behind me. I was paralyzed with fear and prayed that Father would cast out Satan from my presence. I bolted up and was awake and kept praying. I had just learned personally that Satan was trying to use my dad against me. That scared me. Throughout the coming weeks he would also use my own faith and testimony against me. What difference did it make how much faith I had? If it wasn't the Father's will then it wasn't going to happen anyway, no matter how much faith I had. What difference did scripture study and prayer make? Heavenly Father was in control no matter what I did. These were the things that Satan tried to get me to believe, and sadly I listened a few times. It was a constant battle and if I let my guard down for one minute, he had control. It was exhausting. Two months after my dad passed, I had a miscarriage. I was almost 10 weeks along with the baby I was sure had come to comfort me. So, naturally I was confused again. Why would the Lord send me this spirit to comfort me and tell me he was supposed to come to our family and then take him away? Now,  I was mad at the Lord. I just couldn't understand it. I didn't believe that this was the end and that this spirit really wasn't coming to our family. I didn't believe the thoughts of "maybe he just needed to come for his body and that's it." For several months I struggled with the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant. Every month was a huge disappointment and the anger towards the Lord would start all over again. One morning I was driving my daughter's carpool to school and I was having a particularly angry discussion with the Lord. I was telling him I was done. If it didn't matter what I did to be righteous because he was just going to do whatever He wanted anyway, then I was going to do whatever I wanted. I don't remember everything I said or thought but I do remember it was bad. I do remember that I knew I didn't believe anything I was thinking but I couldn't stop myself. Things were getting bad, and then all of a sudden I felt a "whoosh" through my heart as if something had been swept away. It took my breath away for a minute. I felt lighter and as if I was being awakened. I had realized in that moment that I was driving! And then, I thought, that was you dad wasn't it. You just removed Satan from my heart. I had let him into my heart! I had no idea things were that bad for me! But I immediately gave thanks to my Father in Heaven and my dad for helping me and saving me. And I started on a journey of healing and renewing my faith and testimony in the gospel that I loved and knew was true. I am a very competitive person and love a challenge and Satan had just thrown down the gauntlet...challenge accepted! I had a clearer understanding that Satan was real. 

A week before I learned about my miscarriage, I attended the funeral of my friend's father who had just passed away much in the same way as my father. We were new members of a club we didn't not want to belong to. After the funeral I went to my father's grave to visit him and talk with him. This is where I learned another lesson. I was still hung up on the false hope. I talked to him about it and my father and I had a very spiritual conversation. I learned that yes, I had the faith and my dad would have been healed and made whole, but that was not what he chose. He had an important work to do. Yes he could do it on earth, and he was given the choice to stay and do it on earth. But for how much longer we would never know, because he knew that what he had to do he could do better on the other side of the Veil. I was not given false hope. My faith was strong. I did receive the confirmation that he would have been healed...had he chosen to be. I knew this was right. I knew it was true and I accepted it whole heartedly and felt overwhelming comfort and peace. I said, ok dad. What can I do here to help you there? I had a clearer understanding of faith, healing, and testimony. I haven't questioned it since.

In January, I was called to be a Gospel Doctrine teacher. This year we are studying the Doctrine and Covenants. So many amazing lessons to learn. But one thing I had learned was the Atonement. Yes, most of us look at the Atonement as redeeming us from our sins. But I learned that it is so much more than that. He took upon himself ALL the pains and sufferings. Not just from sin, but also the sorrow  and pains from our trials. The sadness we feel when we lose a loved one, he has felt. Not only did he feel this personally while on earth with the loss of his friend Lazarus, (who yes, he did raise from the dead later...the greatest thing about death-Resurrection!!) but he also felt that sadness a hundred fold in the Garden of Gesthamane. We read in the scriptures that what we feel is only "the smallest, yea, even in the least degree you tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit." Just that smallest part hurts so badly I do not want to know what the whole sadness feels like! My relationship with my Savior grew closer and I knew when I was crying about losing my dad that He was there crying right along with me. He does not like to see us unhappy. It is not his mission to make us unhappy. While death is a part of the Plan of Salvation, He knows it is not a happy part for those of us left behind. But something that we will all experience. I had a clearer understanding about the Atonement and that my Savior is real, he loves me, and suffers along with me. 

A few months later, I was washing dishes. I seem to receive a lot of revelation while doing dishes or taking a shower. Again, the thought about my dad's choice and free agency came to mind. While washing dishes I was pondering on my upcoming lesson, that I actually ended up being out of town for. Anyway, the lesson was on the Law of Consecration and there was a quote in there about our will being the only thing that was truly ours to give to the Lord. We are in his debt for everything we have. He blesses us with everything. The only thing we truly own ourselves is our Agency. Our homes, cars, jobs, food, clothing, freedoms, everything can be taken from us...except our agency. I was thinking about this and out of the blue just asked the question, so what about my dad's choice? Did you influence him in anyway to "assist" him in making his choice? It was such a fleeting thought and I hadn't even realized I had asked it until the answer came so profoundly, "No! No, I did not influence him in anyway. Yes, he was given the choice and knew what each choice was about. Yes, you had such strong faith that I was bound to heal him and make him whole because of it. But he was the one who made the choice. Even if I had wanted him to stay, I did not make the choice. He did. I could not in any way interfere with his agency." I was so stunned by this and immediately knew it was true and it brought peace to my heart. I had a clearer understanding that Father cannot interfere with our agency. He is bound by that.

And the last lesson I have learned this year, I learned on May 2, 2017. Exactly one year from that dreadful morning I received the text. Remember my experience with the baby spirit? Remember that he told me his name? Well, when I heard the name I knew this experience was not something I was conjuring up to comfort myself. The name he told me was a name that Jason had suggested each  time I was pregnant with a boy and each time I had said NO! to. Not because I had a bad name association with it, it just wasn't one of my favorites and not at the top of my list. The name this spirit spoke to me was Jeffrey Alan. Alan is my father's middle name. Of course I love that name! It's the name Jeffrey that I was not a huge fan of. Again, not because of association. Jason's cousin's name is Jeff and I know that my husband loves, looks up to, and admires his cousin. Growing up, one of my absolute best friend's name was Jeffrey. He was like a brother to me sometimes. I love the people, just not the name. When he told me his name I said, really? Well, ok, if that is the name you want, then that is the name you will have. I just have not been completely on board with it this entire time. It has bothered me but I just can't get any other name to feel right either. In the wee hours of the morning of May 2, I couldn't sleep. I was up just looking at my phone, reading my lesson, doing whatever I could while laying in my bed. I kept having the thought to look up what the name Jeffrey meant. I kept ignoring it. I finally tried to go back to sleep and turned off my lamp and laid down. The thought kept pestering me so I said, "Okay! Fine! I'll look it up!" So I did. The name Jeffrey means, "Gods Peace." And now this is my favorite name! This little spirit had come to me when I had prayed for peace and comfort. Of course his name will be Jeffrey! Alan had a few different meanings depending on the site you looked at but all of them fit my dad. The ones I liked were, Harmony, Noble, Handsome and Cheerful. Again, I had a clearer understanding that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and comforts me in personal ways for me. He knew  I was struggling with the name and brought peace to my mind in the way I needed it. A year ago, I prayed for peace. Throughout the year I have continued to receive that peace little by little when I needed it. And a year later, I am still receiving "God's Peace."

First Day of School 2016-2017!

Monday, Aug. 22 was the first day back to school! All of the kids were really excited to wear new clothes and shoes and go back to school and be with their new teachers and classmates. Maddie is going back to Spectrum Academy this year and we will see how she does. Emma, Nate and Olivia are still at Greenwood and love going there. This year, because of the 2016 Rio Summer Olympics, the theme was the Olympics. They played fun music and had all of the kids parade into the school with lots of cheers and high fives. I am looking forward to some good quality time with Isaac this year before he goes to preschool next year. Poor kid has two more years before Kindergarten and is bored already!

Maddie 8th grade

Olivia 1st Grade

Emma 5th grade

Nathan 2nd Grade

Mr. Kilpack the  Principal in his Green Gator suit!

Gus the Gator

The Final Act to Make a Difference

Today I had the opportunity to attend a tribute to those who are organ and tissue donors because my Dad was one. Even though I myself am a donor and having a passion in the healing arts I know the benefits of organ donating, I still had a really hard time with my Dad being a donor. They came and talked to us about it literally just minutes after he had passed. I know from the medical standpoint that you need to get those organs and tissues and things right away...but it was kind of creepy to think about right after saying goodbye. We were still trying to come to terms with the fact that our father and husband had just passed away and now you want to disassemble his body?! Once my siblings pointed out that this would be his last act on earth of Making a Difference I felt peace, but I was still a little queasy about it all. My only request was that they not take his eyes. My mom did not want his eyes taken either so that made me feel better. Because his body had been deprived of oxygen for so long he was only able to donate bone marrow and skin which they took from his back. When we saw my dad again to dress him for his burial we asked the funeral home to dress him for us and we would just put on his temple robes because of the fact that they had taken bones. He was crinkly because of the fact that they had to wrap him in plastic to keep the body from seeping and he had basically pvc pipe in place of his arms and legs...gruesome I know! I looked at my Dad and tried to keep it together. As I looked at his face, that seemed to be truly the only part of him that was "him". In a strange way it brought me release. "Ok," I told myself, "this is not my Dad. His spirit is gone and this is just the shell of his body that his spirit lived in."
 So when my mom told me that the organ donor organization did a tribute to the families of those who had donated and who were recipients of organ donations I was all for that. They put his name on a beautiful glass panel with all of the other donors. Now this act of service has been memorialized. I was proud of that. I learned that there were 619 new names added to the wall this year with 31 of those names being living donors. They had two speakers of young people in their twenties who were transplant recipients. One was as simple as an ACL ligament but having that transplant allowed the young man to continue walking and remain athletic in sports. The other was a young woman who was diagnosed with a rare degenerative eye disease when she was 8 and by the time she was in high school was legally blind. She received her eye transplant her first and second years of college and can now see. There was also some beautiful music shared. Going to this tribute today brought me peace and closure on the matter. I no longer felt creeped out, I felt proud. Sitting around us were people who had either a baby who had died and been a donor or a toddler who was a recipient. That really tugged at my heartstrings!
 If my dad were still alive he would give anything to anyone who needed it. If a complete stranger needed a kidney he would be first in line to see if he could help. Now he has and I am so glad that we were able to give him this chance for his final act to Make a Difference!

Dad's name on the wall

Maddie and me at the wall

Nate the Great is the Big Eight!

My sweet boy Nathan turned 8 today! He has been waiting for this day for several years and has been counting down since January 1, 2016! Now that the countdown to the birthday is over with, it will be the countdown to his baptism...

Nate wanted to go swimming with a few friends at the Lehi Legacy Center. So he invited his friends Cash and Cam. They are on his soccer team. The boys came over and I tried a new thing-The Human Pinata.The idea is that you tape or glue candy onto a shirt and then someone wears that shirt and they run and people chase them and try to take off the candy...that's the idea. The reality is that the candy falls off while trying to put the shirt on. It was a failure today but the kids still got candy which is really the important part right?

After we picked up the candy we ate lunch. Nate specified Pizza Hut Pizza and wanted pepperoni. I also ordered a Hawaiian and that's what he and the boys scarfed down first. The girls decorated the kitchen with a few decorations.

Cam is on the left and Cash is in the middle.

After lunch we opened presents. Both boys gave him some time of a nerf gun,,,yay...and they had fun playing with it. Then we sang and had cake and ice cream. Nate chose a chocolate cake and Tiger's Blood ice cream.

Then it was time for swimming! We piled up in the car and headed out. The boys had so much fun and were really cute together. I started calling them the Three Amigos. They would play and have fun and then at random times they would just all come together and hug each other. It was so cute to watch!

Olivia was trying to help Isaac swim...the blind leading the blind. But they were so cute together as well and had fun playing in the water together. The girls were off doing their own thing. A good time was had by all!

Grandma Newby stopped by later that evening and joined us for dinner at Chili's. Everyone left the restaurant full and happy! Grandma gave Nate a very special present...a watch that belonged to Grandpa Newby. Nate really wanted a watch and he really wanted one of Grandpa's. My mom had given Jason my dad's Chicago Bears watch and ever since then Nate has wanted one. He even spotted this very watch on my mom's table one day. I told my mom to give it to him for his birthday and Nate was so disappointed when he noticed the watch missing from the table. He was so happy to see it in his birthday bag from Grandma! It was a watch my dad loved because it is black and orange in honor of his Spartans. I hope Nate will treasure this special gift and think of his Grandpa Newby when he wears it. 

I love you sweet boy! You have been such a joy in my life and you always put a smile on my face. You have the cutest smile, laugh and personality. You are the best at everything you do, especially at being a brother and a friend. You always give me hugs and tell me I am pretty but you are also honest with me if I'm wearing something that doesn't look good on me! You were such a good baby and you are such a good boy and I am so very proud of you! I can't wait to see what kind of a man you become and what your future holds for you! Love you Nathan! Happy Birthday!

Love Notes from Dad

A father holds your hand for awhile, but he holds your heart forever.

Today is Aug. 4 2016...3 months ago my dad died. 3 months ago my life as I knew it, changed. 3 months ago a time shift was created. I am now on a new time line. Everything is now determined time wise as either "before dad died" or "after dad died." Crazy how one day and one single moment can do that to you. But there are many time shifts like that. "Before I was married" and "after I was married." "Before we moved to American Fork," and "After we moved to American Fork." And many more examples like that. What's different about this time shift is the impact it has had on my life and the realizations that have come to my mind. It does not seem like it has only been 3 months...it seems like a lot longer than that. I can think of two reasons for this. One is that I am still in denial about it. I have not quite accepted this event as reality and I am pushing it farther and farther away. "My dad is not gone he is away on a business trip." The second reason is that I think about him constantly and therefore time has seemed to slow down. You know how you anticipate something happening and seems like it is taking forever to happen because you think about it constantly? Like your wedding day, birthday, Christmas, the birth of your baby (the last month and last week are excrutiatingly long!!) That is what this feels like to me. I think about my dad constantly and therefore time has just slowed down...at least where he is concerned. Everything else speeds up and I lose my grasp on reality. (Is it really time to do school shopping already?) For me, both reasons are correct. I am in denial still, but think about it constantly.
 At the beginning of the year, we decided that our one word to focus on this year would be LOVE. We had decided this way before my dad died (there's that time line again.) Our phrase to focus on is "Love conquers all." I have it in a nice plaque hanging in a prominent spot in the front room. We spent the entire month of February writing love notes to each other and putting them into little mailboxes. We have tried to really work on loving each other in our home.
 When I went to the hospital to see my dad the day he had his heart attack, he looked pretty scraped up because he had fallen onto the asphalt at the park he and my mom were running through. I noticed a scrape on his hand and it looked like a particular shape. When my mom came in later she noticed it for the first time but saw it as a scrape. I told her it looked like something and she looked again. Recognition lit her face and she said, "It's a heart! Aww, his last message to me." It truly was his last message to all of us....and a very fitting one for my family.

 LOVE is truly the word that describes my father. Anything we talk about associated with him we use the word LOVE. "Dad LOVED his country." "Dad LOVED rock and roll." "Dad LOVED suits and ties and belts and cologne and just looking and smelling good." "Dad LOVED to tease me."  "Dad LOVED his grandkids." "Dad LOVED his friends and to play games." "Dad LOVED the Savior."  "Dad LOVED Mom." Every holiday dad LOVED. He was so passionate about everything and everyone and just plain LOVED!
 We like to think of this mark on his hand as his first love note to us. I believe we tell ourselves what we need to comfort ourselves. I tell myself that this mark is no coincidence. He wanted us to know that he LOVES us and that this single moment that happened three months ago was just as hard on him as it is for us. I truly believe that not a day goes by that he does not constantly think of us. And he shows us in his own ways by leaving little love notes for us to find like the one on his hand. Here are just a few more that family members have found.

 Mom found this one a few days ago. She went running through the very same park where it all happened and while having a one sided conversation with my Dad she found this. 

This was the first one. My Aunt Eva was telling the story of my Dad's hand to some family members and when she looked up she saw this.

One morning soon after  Kayla was having a particularly hard day. She opened her door to go outside for a walk and found this. She took a picture and then went inside for just a moment. When she came back out it was gone. 

I think beautiful orange sunsets are also love notes from him

Maddie found this rock while at Cousins Camp this year. Apparently Macin and Nathan also found a rock that was broken in two halves and when you put them together they formed a heart. They painted LO on one rock and VE on the other and left them at the fairy garden near Mirror Lake in honor of Grandpa. 

Emma found this heart cloud after one of Nate's soccer practices. She said, "I bet grandpa was watching the whole thing and just wanted to tell us he was here."

I myself have not found any cool love notes but, then again, maybe I have. My sisters and I had necklaces made in the shape of a heart with my father's ring fingerprint and his signature that says "Love Dad" from the last Christmas card he gave us. I have worn it every day since I received it. It has never left my person. I guess I am carrying around my own personal love note every moment.

I love my Dad and I miss him so much! During one particular hard night I felt prompted to go to my journal. I had a card in there from my Dad that he gave me after my car accident back in 1997. That was a trial that taught me many things. In it my Dad wrote, "Bear, remember it is the difficult times that show us what we are made of and how we handle ourselves-show us your BEST!!" Even now reading that makes me cry. I'm trying Dad. I really am!

As you can see we are now obsessed with heart shapes. My children look for them every where and think of their Grandpa every time they see one...even in chicken nuggets...

Annual 1800Contacts Summer Bash

Every year 1800 Contacts does a big Summer party at Thanksgiving Point. They have different themes each year. This year was Camp Contacts and was supposed to be a Summer Camp theme. It wasn't my favorite but we still had fun. My favorite is still the Harry Potter theme and the Pirates theme. But anyway, they always have fun crafts and games for the kids to do. This year we did boondoggle and bead necklaces or bracelets, leather bookmarks or bracelets, went "fishing" and of course had good food and snacks. The kids favorite thing to do is swim and go on the bounce slides. Jason and a group of his co-workers have participated in the annual Tug-of-War contest and have won-completely undefeated-the last two years! These are the only years he has actually participated. He won a $50 gift card and admiration from his children. The company also does a plethera of other prizes but we usually never win anything. There are just so many employees and guests that it is hard to get your name drawn. But we have hope every year that this time we'll be lucky. Oh well...there's always next year!

 Kids favorite thing is swimming and being with their cousins!

 Get Read, Get Set...

 Pull! Pull! Pull!

 High Five! Undfeated Champs!

Victory Hug!