Thursday, December 01, 2011

心头的肉

People say you will always remember exactly what you were doing when something momentous happens.

I remember the me 11 years ago - wearing my green pinafore over a white shirt, with a dark green ribbon dangling from my collars - skipping home happily from school one day, only to drop my bag and rush straight into my ah ma's room, when I heard the words that came out from my aunt's mouth. Everything was in a blur after that. I will never forget that that was the first time I ever saw my father cry.

I remember the me 2 years ago, with my head buried in a keyboard in the Music Tech room, furiously trying to compose three songs in three days. I remember the call. The toilet. The tears that wouldn't stop filling my eyes. I have never felt every bit of the distance that separated me from home sting so much before. I remember a dear friend of mine telling me that there's a riff in "sunshine in the rain" that sounds sad. I said, it's supposed to be a happy song. Then I realized that sometimes, you really can't disguise your feelings.

And the me this year, a year about to draw to an end. On mothers' day. Of all days. I was on skype in my room, and dajie was the one who broke the news to me that wai po had passed away. All I wanted to do was to fly back home immediately. All I wanted to do was to absorb all my mama's sadness. I know they always say that whoever leaves wouldn't want to see you sad. I tell people that too, and I knew that I should be trying my best to be happy instead. But there and then, I just felt that crying was the least I could do for wai po. It appeared to be the only way for me to tell her that I miss her so much.

For the past four years, I have been spending Chinese new year away from home. It is my favourite festive season; goodies aside, I relish the atmosphere of how everybody in my extended family gathers to celebrate a good year spent, and to welcome the start of a brand new year - together. Just when I'm finally back for good, Chinese new year seems to have left me for a faraway land.

I can't explain this sudden sadness and longing to see my grandparents again. Perhaps it was hearing my papa talk about insurance plans. Or maybe it was the RM50 note that I kept in my drawer; the note which I believe has wai po's touch and refused to use. Or more simply, these wandering thoughts are a mere consequence of being too bored. On some days more than others, I really just wish there were more I can do for the people who matter to me.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

但 [幸福] 到底是什么

看着那个头发花白,
结婚四十年向来茶来伸手、饭来张口、只会发号施令、总是嫌老妈是庸妇的老爸
努力地和洗衣机闯的祸奋战
对着失序的生活茫然无措
慌张的追逐着老妈走过的脚步
用懊恼的脏话,酝酿着一碗想必很难喝的鱼汤

那些不 [惊天动地] 的 [惊天动地]
为什么却让我想掉泪?

—— 程又青 《我可能不会爱你 》

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Farewell, Staircase 20 Room 2

Yesterday night was the last night I spent in my room in Bear Lane. My entire room was in chaos, and I was struggling to keep everything that was precious to me. The three suitcases that resulted from my toil must weigh at least 100kg in total! Now, I can only hope that my family’s combined effort (and baggage allowances) will suffice to see my luggage through the check-in counters.

   

Everything was strewn all over the floor and I hesitated so long before I could decide to throw anything. I’ve also built a mini library during my time here, and I’m endeavouring to transport it back to Singapore.

 

I have no idea I’ve got so many ring-bound notebooks! And every single one of them is a must-keep because they are either my diaries/notebooks or they simply look too pretty to be left behind. The thick and heavy chunk of book entitled “Examination Regulations 2010” is now in the recycling bin. The school gave one of these to each of us at the start of the year, but I have never even touched the book the entire year. It is such a waste of paper! So far I have not heard of anyone who actually made good use of it except a friend who used it to squash an insect in her room.

Packing up and moving out of places always puts me in a pensive state of mind, though I am sure sleep deprivation raises the emo-meter as well.

I have grown so attached to this place in such a short period of time. There are still so many places in Oxford that I have yet to visit, so many restaurants I want to go to, so many moo moo’s milkshake flavours I haven’t tried. Oxford really isn’t as small as it seems. And I’ve not even begun to talk about the wonderful people I’ve met in this city; I’ve made such good friends over here that I can’t even imagine bidding goodbye without tearing. We have shared a lifetime of memories in this beautiful city of dreaming spires.

    

 
This was on the 3rd of October 2010, the day I moved into my room.

 

    


And here is what my room looks like after I stored all of my belongings away. It is almost as it was before – except it is dirtier and dustier, of course. But there are no traces of me left inside there at all. It’s as if I’ve never been here before. The emptiness of the room startles me, as I am reminded of how this is just a temporary home for me.

中秋节快乐!It is such a pretty full moon night, and there are so many stars in the sky. Good night, Bear Lane. I will really miss you very very much.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Because we all love immunology

And so.. This is it.

My Masters course in Oxford has just officially ended – with our final vivas over, a wonderful three-course dinner at Brasenose College, and lots of laughter and hugs shared among course mates and our most respected course directors. I just feel so incredibly sad that I may not see many of these smiling faces for years to come. When our course directors gave their ending speeches at the end of the dinner, I really felt tears in my eyes.

Thinking back to the day of my interview at the John Radcliffe Hospital on the 9th of February last year just makes everything now seem even more surreal. I remember missing my first train from London to Oxford, and almost being late for my entrance interview. It was serendipitous, but the moment I stepped into the hospital, I knew that Oxford was exactly where I wanted to be for the next year of my life. There, I met my course directors for the first time, and was stumped by so many of the interview questions that they had asked me. The entire experience was utterly demoralizing. Never would I have expected myself to be seated next to these same two people today, laughing and talking about experiences in a girls’ school, medicine, London, and family – thoughts and feelings of mine that I hold so close to my heart.

Someone once said that I am very resistant to changes, and I cannot agree more. The worst change is when people have to leave each other. I just dislike farewells so much. And it is even sadder now, as everyone is scattered all over the world. But it is so comforting to know that everyone has got plans for the future sorted, and everyone is working hard to realize their dreams. At some point, many of us were lost and wondering what to do with our lives after the course ends, but everyone offered help and support to one another, and it is extremely encouraging to know that things are going great for everyone now. All’s well that ends well.

We tried to use napkins as mock mortar boards and threw them up into the air, but our camera man was always too slow at capturing the perfect moment. This was after the napkins had fallen down. I love this photo. Everyone just looks so happy. We came together for the love of immunology, and we stuck through all of it together.

What an amazing year, really.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

眼底星空 流星开始坠落

In the month of August every year, the night sky is graced with the appearance of bits of debris from the comet Swift-Tuttle. This astronomical event is known as the annual Perseid meteor shower because the meteors appear to be radiating from the constellation Perseus. This shower draws the attention of stargazers all over the world because of how reliable the meteors are, and also how it has a very high sighting rate that can go up to one Perseid per minute at its peak. The best part of it is that these meteors are easily visible to the naked eye, and offers a free celestial display that can be appreciated by everyone.

I first heard about this meteor shower two years ago, when I spent the entire summer in London for my UROP placement. I was amazed, or rather, literally star-struck, by the image of a meteor shower lighting up a night sky. I started reading more into it, and when I realized how easily sighted and beautiful these Perseids can be, I only got more and more fascinated and really wanted to see them for myself. I then went in search of a vast expanse of clear dark sky with my friend Yingying, but it was so hard to find a proper place that allowed us to watch the sky without obstruction from towering buildings or interference of light from street lamps. London was just too populated and polluted! In our desperate attempt to get a clear view of the sky, we even tried to get into Hyde Park, but even then, the sky was far too cloudy for us to even see mere stars twinkling in the sky. At one point, I thought I spotted something fly across the sky, but it might very well be my hallucination. So, sadly, we had to give up on the meteor watch in the end as the sky only got cloudier (and brighter).

Last year this time, I was in Didcot for my studentship at Harwell. Another chance to watch the Perseids again! This would have been a really good time to catch them, because Didcot was so much more rural than London, and I was blessed with a perfect view of the night sky from my room! But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be, because I had to wake up really early the next morning to get to Cambridge for Hashimoto sensei’s wedding and couldn’t afford to stay up all night till the predawn hours (which is the best time to catch the meteors). In the end, I got too comfortable staring at the sky from my bed, and dozed off.

Now, just as I am typing this, there is a community of meteor watchers all over the world gazing at the night sky. Many of them tweet whenever they spot any Perseids and would update everyone else on their geographical location and how many meteors they spotted. There is even a map showing live updates of meteor sightings. It is so nice to know that that are so many people around you looking at different parts of this continuous entity that embraces us all – patiently and eagerly waiting for shooting stars to appear, like little hopeful kids excited about Christmas.

This year, unfortunately, by a mere coincidence, the meteor shower clashes with the emergence of a full moon, which would brighten the sky considerably and might make it harder to observe the meteors. Reading that dampened my hopes a little, but all I really wanted was just to see a shooting star. Just one will do. Besides, this is likely my very last chance to catch the Perseids in the UK. I was also really encouraged by the fact that I have seen really pretty starry skies in Oxford before. So yesterday night, which was supposed to be the peak of the showers, I went out and took a little walk.



I first went to college to see if I could see anything from the quads. Here’s the Lincoln chapel against a backdrop of clouds, and that illuminating bright glow belongs to the full moon.
 



 
Then I went to to the Rad cam area to see if the sky was clearer. No luck at clear dark skies, but St Mary’s church looked absolutely stunning with those clouds and the full moon! The sky appeared really overbearing and ominous, and I can imagine how this can easily be a scene from a horror movie with a haunted castle. But it was truly enigmatic at the same time. I stood there for quite a while, just looking and admiring, and wondering why I’ve never realised how beautiful Oxford can be at night.

Sheldonian theatre

  Turl streetLincoln library
My walk next took me to the Sheldonian theatre, Turl street, and Lincoln library, and I was followed by the full moon everywhere I went. My search for clear skies was absolutely in vain. There were just far too many clouds shrouding the sky and the moon was too bright. At 3am, the skies looked like they were clearing up, so I continued waiting in the hope that I might catch a shooting star. But at nearly 4am, oh my goodness.. It started raining! I finally stayed up till 4.30am when the drizzle ceased, but the sky was already brightening, so I went to sleep. Failed to see any meteors, or even stars at all, but at least the moon was beautiful.

Despite the fact that the rate of meteors drops drastically after its peak, reports said sightings might still be possible till the 22nd, so I was resolved to try again tonight. The skies look so much clearer tonight and it seemed possible to watch them just outside my room! I took two pillows and Chaffy with me to one of the benches in the open area of Bear Lane, and was fixated on watching this little piece of night sky I had access to. There were lights nearby so the place wasn’t ideal for stargazing, but I could at least see a few stars twinkling so I felt contented just watching and waiting. I could hear someone blowing a recorder somewhere nearby, and the tune of “You are my sunshine” was played over and over again. The melody drifted in the air under the blanket of stars. I started seeing orange sparks moving very slowly across the sky. The first time I saw one, I was so excited and thought I finally spotted a shooting star! But they weren’t very impressive and didn’t appear to be as amazing as I had thought they would be. I later realized that those weren’t shooting stars at all.

At 11:51pm, I saw the first meteor in my life; it streaked across the sky atop Bear Lane, leaving a blazing trail of light that disappeared almost as quickly as it came. It was breathtakingly beautiful. When I saw it, I really felt like 小披风, and was so stunned that I could only gasp and stare in wide-eyed wonderment. I had even forgotten about making a wish when I saw the shooting star. But it was really worth all the wait and nothing could ever beat seeing it with your own eyes. Even my wildest imagination wouldn’t have been able to conjure up such a spectacle. I lingered on for another hour or so in the hope that I might be able to take a video of a meteor and share it with people I know who would appreciate this ephemeral beauty. But then the clouds came and took over the skies so I am here now, chatting and occasionally checking Twitter for other people’s updates on the meteor watch. I might go out and check the sky again later!

But really, just seeing that one shooting star was more than enough for me. I felt so touched when I finally saw it fly past my eyes. I can’t quite explain my emotions over bits of comet debris, but perhaps it is such a special moment because it reminds me that there is an entire universe out there, outside of this little bubble I live in. It is similar to my fascination with stars. In the busyness of reality, witnessing the simple fleeting beauty of a shooting star appears to be exceptionally precious. Especially since life is a mere blink of eternity; so much like a shooting star.


Here’s the bit of sky where the meteor was spotted, and Chaffy joining me in my meteor watch.

After coming back to my room, my lights went cranky again and refused to turn on. So I switched on my starry starry lights and indulged in more stargazing fun! Looks like Chaffy is playing Super Mario and just ate a mega mushroom!

Good night world; twinkling stars, shooting stars, there is sweetness in the laughter of all the stars.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Chaffy found!

Came across this book at Blackwell's a few weeks ago and I was overwhelmed by the sheer cuteness of Chaffies ever since! Find Chaffy is a children’s book that is a much cuter version of Find Wally, where you have to search for the right Chaffies that are lost and hidden during their adventure trail. The storyline is just so fun, and even Chaffy imposters look adorable as well! The book had an advertisement that they were giving away free Chaffy stuffed toys to the first 1000 people who contacted them, so being the instantly converted Chaffy fan, there was no way I wasn’t going to try my luck at getting one of them.. Even despite the very slim chance, I still harboured this little hope that I could own a Chaffy. While I was rushing for my dissertation, I actually forgot about this whole matter, until one fine day, which also happens to be the very happy day on which I completed my dissertation, I received an email from the publisher – asking for my address! Can you imagine the happiness that I felt when I read that email??

Today is the day I find Chaffy in the mail. Now I can remember Chaffy’s official adoption date very easily as well, as it so falls on national day. By the way, happy national day! I do miss you very much, Singapore! (It feels weird talking about national day only as a side note to these furry stuffed toys..)


Chaffy is just a simple ball of polyester fibres with ears of unequal lengths and eyes that may be too far apart. It is known to be adventurous, curious, playful, fragile, peaceful, stupid and above all.. lost. I think all of its imperfections only makes it even more endearing.

Here’s the first picture I took of Chaffy! It’s saying hello to Turl Street.

Ah! And now the two of them can keep each other company!

Friday, July 29, 2011

But now I am done

It's 2:39 AM and I'm both physically and mentally exhausted. I was starving a few minutes ago but I now have a hot cup of Horlicks to help me 'unwind for a good night's sleep'. This was actually advertised on the can! I never knew that Horlicks was so sleep-inducing until I drank it in the midst of rushing my dissertation one day and had to give up and go to bed. Oh, and I think I've reached the main point of this entry.

I'm done with my dissertation!!! It's finally done! They are all printed out and sitting obediently on my desk now. I am so happy! I had imagined the ecstasy to simply last for a few seconds, or minutes at most, but it's now nearly 3 hours past midnight, the time at which I realized I had finished printing all my coursework.. and I am still feeling so super happy.

Maybe it's because I'm in disbelief. It's been a while since I've had a chance to experience such a sense of academic satisfaction. I honestly cannot remember the last time I completed a piece of coursework without being either just on the dot, or just a few hours early, or even most unfortunately, late. I wish I could say this is because I've learnt my lesson and am starting to become more disciplined and less of a procrastinator. But I guess the truth is, I had no choice but to finish it today. My college library is under construction, and there's nowhere else near me that I could go to print my reports in colour. I had to go to my lab in the hospital to print them, and even though I had anticipated to finish them this evening, the entire process had taken me all the way till midnight. It just didn't feel secure printing them out so early. I think it was just too engrained in me to make sure that I drag everything to the eleventh hour. The whole process of printing was exciting as well. The printer was on a floor above me, and I had to keep shuffling between two floors to check my test prints and to feed paper into the printer. It was such a waste of paper because we had to print 5 copies, and they all had to be single-sided. It was a good thing I brought a stack of paper with me, because even my stack was used up and I had to source for more paper. Poor trees..

The past few days were draining because I had to try my best to squeeze every little bit of brain juice I have into words. I have never thought meeting the word limit would be a problem. Yet these 10,000 words were exceptionally hard to make up. I don't even think my brain can register what I'm doing now because it must have shut down already. I probably ought to be resting and sleeping happily to celebrate. But now that I have all the time in the world, I seem to have automatically lost that sleepiness that plagued my eyelids whenever I tried to do some work.

Perhaps I just have too many things to say to this blog in my excitement. It's been such a long time since I last said hello to my little mushroom. There are so many things that happened between then and now and there are simply so many things that I want to share. Little things like, I just skyped with my dajie and dajiefu this morning and they made me so happy! And also really big things.. Like, my dajie has given birth today!! My niece is so cute! I am now an aunt! I wish I were back to see her grow up. It would be so amazing. I want to pinch her little chubby cheeks!

It's funny how I have all these words tumbling out of my fingertips, only when I least need them. I could go on forever, but I think the Horlicks effect is kicking in. I think it's off to bed for me now! Got to wake up in a few hours' time too to get my reports bound and submitted!

Still so happy!