The Thursday before Labor Day I found out I was pregnant but then just a month ago I found out I was having a miscarriage.
I was only about 8 weeks along but at an early sonogram at the doctors, they told me the baby wasn't measuring at 8 weeks but more like 6 weeks. The doctor said it could mean two things: 1) I'm not as far along as I thought or it could mean 2) the baby isn't growing and this is not a normal pregnancy or I might be having a miscarriage. Dave and I were really hoping and praying for scenario #1.
I think I was in shock when I first heard this. Lilly was also with me at this appointment. The doctor suggested I get blood work done again and another sonogram to double check things. Well I did that and then a few days later I got a call about the blood work results. I found out that my hormones are lower and it looks like this pregnancy will end in a miscarriage.
My heart sank. I was sad to think about losing a baby and scared to think about going through a miscarriage and possibly having surgery to remove the baby. Even with feeling sad and scared, I felt the Lord was near. There are so many questions of "Why?" but God is in control of all things. He's above all and in all. He gives life and takes away life.
By the grace of God, I just wanted to read my Bible and journal after I found out about the blood work results. And since then I've been hungry for more of God's Word and wanting to find comfort in verses that talk about trusting and resting in Him. I've been meditating on these verses:
Deut. 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your god is God, the faithful God who keeps convenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Ps. 145:17-19
The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.
I've also been so encouraged by the support of family, friends and our church. Everyone's prayers and sharing scripture has really blessed me. The day after I found out I was having a miscarriage, I had planned to attend a class at church about Biblical Womanhood. I was considering staying home because I was pretty emotional still and wasn't really feeling up for talking with new people I've never met. Anyway, God led me to the class and he blessed me there. At the end of the teaching we divided up into small discussion groups. At the end of that time the leader was asking for prayer requests. I spilled out to the group that I was having a miscarriage (couldn't even get the words out without crying!) and all the ladies immediately layed hands on me and prayed for me. I was so encouraged that these ladies would do that for someone they just met and they followed up with me the week later. They asked me how I was doing and said they thought of me often throughout the week and prayed for me. Thank you! That meant a lot to me.
So for about a week or so after finding out that the pregnancy was ending in a miscarriage, my body actually initiated the miscarriage and the heaviest bleeding occurred while I was at church. I felt pretty overwhelmed so I went to the ER. Dave was leading worship for the kids church service so he wasn't able to leave right away. I still had the kids with me but thankfully a friend said she'd take care of them until we were finished at the hospital. Our friends ended up keeping them through lunch and played with them for most of the afternoon. Even though being at church seemed like a bad place for the heaviest bleeding to happen, I'm sort of glad it did. Friends were there to help us and pray for us - I'm so grateful for that. So Kelly drove back to my house to get me a change of clothes and then drove me to the ER. I was fine and so was my body. I went home to finish off the miscarrying process. This lasted for about two weeks. I was to going to the doctor weekly to make sure my body and hormone levels were going back to normal (negative pregnancy test). I'm happy to say that after a month or so of these weekly doctor appointments and many sonograms, it's done.
James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
God, I don't understand why the life that was inside of me didn't grow. Did the fetus even have a heartbeat? I probably won't know the answers to these questions until heaven, but God, you know what's on my heart. I have questions but ultimately my hope and my trust is in you. Lord, pressing into you (praying, reading your Word, being encouraged by others) during this hard time has grown my faith. Thank you for keeping me near and blessing me through family, friends, and church family.
