I haven't been doing so well in the past few months.
We have had several issues in life, and the depression has kept me in a sort of hibernation for my own protection. 2010 stole my parents. 2011 we lost DH's grandmother (the last living grandparent he had), and had our home burglarized (they stole the best of mom's jewelry, that I hadn't even had for a year!). 2012 we lost my grandmother (my last living grandparent). My Bro and Sis had a still-born son. Then we had a hail storm that damaged our roof and two cars. In the past two months, we have lost three church friends to age and illness. I have two girlfriends separating from their husbands.
I feel like there is a big backpack full of rocks and bricks and bowling balls on my shoulders. It holds me back, pulls me down, and generally makes my life miserable.
I am amazed at how well I have held up, if you want to know the truth of the matter. I don't know why I haven't just hit the loony bin door in a white coat that helps me hug myself. The bad has been offset by good, but honestly, I haven't noticed it much. Do you ever feel that way? I notice that when the bad comes, the enemy likes to lie to me, and tell me that no good will come of it. I had quit watching for good. I had quit watching for God in all things.
I have gotten back into walking several times a week with Roadrunner again, which helps my mood. We talk about all sorts of subjects and sweat away the stress. Lately, I have been wondering if I need iron or caffeine, as our walks tend to wipe me out for the rest of the day. Today, I did a lot of grocery shopping. I accomplish much, but feel like a failure when I walk in my door and see all the accumulation of junk and dirt and dirty things that I haven't the gumption to clean/sort/trash.
Apparently, I need to mind my own advice to others. "Don't be so hard on yourself." I am a strict taskmaster. And perfectionist. And procrastinator. And judge and jury at my own trial. I gave myself my own conviction. Guilty! And that is enough of that.
My lovely friend Court had her healthy baby girl. I have yet to visit, but I am hoping to do that soon. My lovely friend Desi had a beautiful baby girl, as well. Through all the mayhem in my life, God has sent me some sweet pictures to remind me that HE is still alive, and helps us to keep living, daily.
Several people have come to me at church, saying that they notice that I have lost weight. MEN have spoken these words to me. Therefore, the walking is working. I don't notice weight loss, because I don't stand on the scale often, and I stare at the reflection every day and criticize it. I had noticed that I have rearranged where stuff sits, and I had to buy new SMALLER jeans to fit the new shape. Officially, I have lost almost 25 lbs from my highest weight ever, which was three and a half years ago. Small changes, adding exercise, removing junk food (to an extent), eating less in general at almost every meal, and keeping a food journal have helped in the process.
I am by no means "healthy" yet. I still let the depression take over sometimes. I have also tried to remember that each day is a gift and I should be grateful for the many gifts I have been given, and I should share them with joy.
I have purchased a few things that have helped me on my journey. Journal. Magnetic jewelry (I got it because it was pretty, and don't notice good or bad effects from it). Supplements that help my insides function properly.
I have NOT purchased a few things that I dearly desired, simply because I have no need of them in my clutter piles. There are books, movies and music that have stayed on the shelves at stores. I am learning to ask myself the Fly Lady questions: Will this bless my home? Do I love it? Can it bless me more if it goes to another home? Is this valuable? Can it be used by someone else to bless their home? Using these questions and her patterns of cleaning, I have filled three trash carts in the past two weeks. I have donated clothing to the local Goodwill. Over the past few years, I have taken several car loads of clothing that we no longer wear to Goodwill, as well.
Some of what was stolen has been replaced. Most of it was personal and emotional, original and irreplaceable. I don't think I can ever get back the most valuable thing they took, my naive notion that I was safe here. My mind says, "It was only S.T.U.F.F." (Stuff That Undermines Family Fun), and I don't need it." but my heart says, "They stole my mom when they stole the Family Ring."
I have to learn to live in this world of evil, and I have more to learn from my parents about how to handle evil with Jesus. I miss them fiercely.
I will be okay. It is just going to take a while longer than I thought. I have decided that is good. As long as I am working to improve, I am moving in the correct direction.
