Wtf, I just realize I had views on this blogspot when I was looking the dashboard, to think I still have people viewing this lost space. But then if you really saw this, I don’t really know what to feel man. I feel that I’m just typing what I’m feeling now. Truth be told, I do feel affected if you were to look at me at different angles. All I want to do, was to build that strong front that I would never be defeated. All I wanted to do was to create the positive vibe at the expenses of myself. I don’t feel that that's too much to ask for. I do feel that, what I only want is to make everyone around me happy around me, its fine if the jokes is on me. I’m really fine. I just feel that things don’t come easy. You yuan fen is a rather incredible thing. If I ever cross your path and I make you feel lousy. I’m honestly sorry about it. All I want is the best for my friends or whoever deem me as friend and not friends with benefits. That’s all I asked.

当你慢慢长大, 你会发觉自己是多莫得渺小，你会问自己这一切真的值得吗？-- When you slowly grow up then you will realize you are just part of the pawn in the big world. When you slowly grow up, then you realize you will have no friends. I think what really hits me was that when you asked how many best friends I had. I realize I was lost of words and I straight away said 0 and you said that huh. Can’t be 1 or also don’t have. Then I realize, I really do not have or I do not classify anyone as my best friend. The truth is that I don’t, nor I can trust my life to anyone. Was it me? Or it’s my environment, I don’t know. From young, all I knew was that I should be the one that people can trust on. I never thought I could be the one that I can fall on others. Tbh, you call this my defend mechanism I don’t know man, this feel like my blogspot I was feeling damn emotional today and I wanted to type somethings out on Facebook. But I can’t because I lost my train of thoughts and earlier I had a question by a friend. He asked me how best friend I had when we were playing a game and I said 0. Then he was like ‘huh’ and I brushed it off with 1. Which lead me back here now. To think mins ago, I was just trying to vend things out on Microsoft words to try to get something to type on Facebook and yet I am, typing on my blogspot. I realize I had this ages ago but I didn’t really want to type to update it. So back to the conversion earlier, now that I’m at home. I’m giving it a deep thoughts about it. I do realize I have no best friend. Or I do not classify anyone as my best friend. I can clearly give my all to friends that I treasure, but if you were to ask me, if they would do that to me. I would doubt it, 100%! Truth be told, friends are just cheap. It’s not that I don’t treasure friends. To me personally, I treat my friends 100% genuinely but if you ask me if they does the same, I would tell you no, which is why I said friends are cheap. It’s just a name after all for us to befriend someone. Be it like brothers or friends or what not, it’s just fking cheap words which hold no value. When you need help. You sure there would be people coming to save you at a phone call? I highly doubt so man. I don’t know man, I find myself deleting and typing. This feel just like my way to vent my thoughts and it could also serve as my will or my deepest thoughts buried in my heart. Tbh I suddenly remember I had a blogspot is that I feel that that would be one of the place that I could really be myself? I feel so trapped. I’m dying to break free honestly. I’m just overwhelmed by everything. Tbh now, I’m just lost in my thoughts and just typing whatever I feel while listening to songs and drinking some beers. Sometime I feel that I know why people want to drown their sorrow in liquor, it will really numb you or for me, it’s really at a time like this that I could really be my true self. To feel every negativity seeping in, to feel all these sorrows that I have hidden at the back of my heart, seeking revenge at me. For all the times that I have neglected them just by burying them deep at my heart. It’s not that I do not take offense for things but it’s like my instinct to filter out and do not let it affect me. Truth be told, I don’t break down easily. But when I do, it almost feel like it’s the end of the world for me. I’m still fine for me if you were to ask me. But I just feel that this is the time for emotions to run wild and feel what it’s like to be really yourself with no prejudices. God knows how long would I type back at this blog again. But we shall see. The emotions is so overwhelming that I didn’t have else to type anymore or I should say I’m lost in my train of thoughts. Beers might be the only way to get free, I don’t feel that talking to someone would really help. Or maybe I should just try if not my wife would feel damn sad because I always don’t share with her. But then this is me I feel. I ‘m not trying to be someone else. I just can’t fully explain myself that’s all. If anyone ever read this and take this to their heart then I’m just going to say, your story touches my heart. Because this is what I really feel and nothing last forever in the world. There is no 100% certainly in life isn’t it.