if back then, i didnt agreed to the broke up, none of this things would happen. so whose to blame? myself. oh well, there arent any 'if' in my dictionary.
basically, the question is to move on or running in circles. you feel pain but it's one of those things that make you feel alive.


had a nice talk back few days."what are friends for?" make me begin to ponder for awhile.

it doesn't change the fact that you're emo/depress but it warmth your hearts that someone still cares.

a mum's love for her son.

when you think of someone too much, they do appear in your dream. why? i dream of her and that's for real.
i think it's your sub conscious thing; somehow, your brain can filter what you really miss.

and every things that they say, your brain actually has a way of linking such ideas together into a story. because from what i dream, i could see my (then) gf actually still ignores me or irk the sight of me and also that there was this guy that is trying to impress her which is on a better term with her. i suppose it do means something, but my IQ arent that high yet to understand what does it really mean.

anyway, yesterday night went to chong pang nasi lemak then the tau huey next to it. then after that we slacked at seletar dam, the floor is kind of wet due to the rain before but we just sat down in a circle and start sharing stories. then around 5, we went to jalan kayu to eat prata then after that sent them home. i think i'm very not used to long term driving, i kept making mistakes and kept overshooting exits. i think i should try to remember roads next time. because sometime, when my friend says time to turn. it's kind of late already. oh well, till next time!!! cheers.

王力宏 - 你不知道的事


蝴蝶擦几次眼睛 再学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星 但即刻会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 爱听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎落满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还悬在你看不见那高空里
多的事 你不知道的事

蝴蝶擦几次眼睛 再学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星 但即刻会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 爱听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎落满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还选择你看不见那高空里
多的事 你不知道的事

oh wow oh~

我飞行 但你坠落之际

ho~oh~~

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎落满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还悬在你看不见那高空里
多的事 你不知道的事

oh~... ...




~~~~~

quite late now huh.

my bro understands that things are weird, not because he didnt see it before. but it's just the culture problem.

i love her but she have move on. so it's between us now. can see that the jerral guy was much better tho.
but i need help, no help was there. =/
but no worries, my parents taught me to find a way out and i did. so meanwhile, cheers! for fyp2 is coming. =/

i'm affected when you says that you're on phone call with that guy. real badly.

it's around such timing where i get more sensitive to my surrounding. or rather , emotional. i looked around my room and all i saw, was your stuff, our memory. =/
i dont know if i'm sad or what. i just know i misses it.


boooo, and it's another emozxzx post.

was going tho my emails and found some old school emails. something like 40 facts about guys and etc. it do make sense, partly of cause.

i'm just reposting some that really make sense for me.
do ask me if you want the email and i'll forward it to you.




A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.


No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.


Not all guys are jackass. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.


When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.


Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.


The friend replied " when someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."


do not value the things in your life, but value who you have in your life.


NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, 'Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?'
The father-in-law answered in a smile, 'Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.'

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.


'It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character..'
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..


When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.


You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..


People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.


Good Life starts only when you stop wanting a better One'



Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence do not start an argument or discussion unless of course you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably in between of discussion they may change their side too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience!


Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.


The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

people always try to find excuses for their lose. excuses so that it could make them fall back to their comfort zone. where everything still comfortable being in it.

an example was that i was chatting with my ex. were discussing about how life without each other. seem pretty good for her tho. ok, sound pretty hypocrite tho.

anyway, my point is that she told me her story that after that, she decided to look at things at another way. and tell her it's my lost to lose her and she had guys flocking in to treat her differently.

at first, i wasnt looking at things in such angle. i was really trying to come up with solutions for solve the problem as a friend.

my point is that people find faults in others and not in themselves. oh well, human nature. they never see faults in themselves. everyone does that, including me.


sometime what really hurts me is that at one point, she asked me that i dont want her already then another point, she said she needed time to think about it and now, that she found better guys. dilemma only.



i'm also in a dilemma now, to let go or not. i think kind of haven't let it go yet. my phone still have over hundreds of her message and i cant bear to delete it. it was before the break up and at times, i would read it over and over again.
we broke off at 11/06/2010. must write it down incase if it ever get delete away. the things of her still at my house and i cant seem to dispose them. another dilemma is that, should i keep it as a memory or others.

anyway, the important part now is about the messages in my phone. it had already reached 2000+ , it was few months. i wasn't really able to force myself to delete them away.

right now, i'm like giving myself excuses for it as well.i should straighten my thoughts soon.

why must everyone try to please those around them and not to be who they really are?
hypocrites. when they are mad, that who they really are. too many of us is trying to hard to please everyone around them. take a break, please yourself.

i have many things in my head but i cant seem to get them out. sometime i would wish say everything out.


well. the reason get clearer every time why we wouldn't get back. was it that it's human nature that everyone is selfish. people want the best for themselves and they would sacrifice others for it. sound like me but i hold my stand.

i had to admit that such person are really clever. they just happen to be there at the right time and the right place. like a example i heard, after the breakup, the friend came in to console and everything changed. oh well, this is why girls always like such people as they know how to use their words, how to talk with girls.

unlike people of my kind, aren't good with words. just like to say what we can do and not for the sake of doing it. we always lose out to such people that have the ability the sweet talk but then, we too have a advantage point. we only say what we can do. or i would say what i can only do. i dont make empty promises, i'm more of a honest person. i find it hard to do brag about things. or perhaps i wasnt 'trained' to do such ways. oh well, there is why there are always flirts around. the power of words just scare you.

i came to realise words actually have a very big impact on a person. especially if you're someone close to them, your words matter a lot.

i'm not a person that like to say stuff face to face, i cant find the courage to do so. or i should say, i cant find the courage to do alot of stuff.

sometime, i do think if it's due to my look and my size that i lose out.
i aint rich.
but sometime, someone had to sacrifice for the greater good. people always say that, if they're happy then it's worth it. but sometime, who would care about those that sacrifice, we too feel like you too.


do i really look depress? my friend said that. was it really so? was it that i really need you or you're just a want. was it that i still love you or i'm just not used without you around.

hanging on to a thin rope.

back from DIDM camp!! how cool can it be? very cool, where all the fun and laughters are. we exercised like mad. i'm waiting for my nightwalk photo which might be my new fb photos again.haha.
(all photos on fb)



yesterday went over to my aunt house for bonding session.in another words, it's majong session but it's still a bonding session with my grandma.
and my cousin bf was there. oh man, they were asking me about my ex gf. i sting after awhile and it kept coming back everytime i think about it.

am i not used without your presence or i really needed you? i cant seem to understand too. i just know at some point, i really misses you.

i sort of flunk my UT for today. i looked at my drawing i cant help laughing.
oh well. DIDM camp coming soon tho. well. life kind of good for now tho it's missing something. eventually, it's all good.

after every break up, you tell yourself that the best has yet to come. but when the next one come, how do you know this is the best and the one?

康康 離開了 LYRICS


作詞：康晉榮 作曲：康晉榮 編曲：鍾興民/蔡科俊 口白：楊巧寧

口白：在你眼裡我只是小孩子　我不管做什麼你都不滿意
　　　我知道你都不滿意　我只是努力
　　　我只是努力想要你高興　但是你都不開心
　　　我不管做什麼你都不開心　我真的很愛很愛你阿

這次妳真的要離開了　妳決定這樣放手
放在心裡的一些回憶　妳說妳不再提起

我們的愛無法繼續　有人慢慢的將我代替
代替我給妳幸福快樂　我捨不得又能如何

我們的愛走到谷底　沒關係我會好好的
我會徹底的選擇逃避　忘記妳談何容易

我和妳還是站在原地　我聽見哭泣的妳
我已經盡了最大努力　妳說妳不再考慮

我們的愛無法繼續　有人慢慢的將我代替
代替我給妳幸福快樂　我捨不得又能如何

我們的愛走到谷底　沒關係我會好好的
我會徹底的選擇逃避　忘記妳談何容易

我們的愛走到谷底 (你覺得我很幼稚　我是很幼稚阿)
沒關係我會好好的 (我只是努力努力想要長大　想要你開心而已)
我會徹底的選擇逃避 (我真的很愛很愛你阿)
忘記妳談何容易

我和妳還是站在原地　我聽見哭泣的妳
我已經盡了最大努力　這次妳真的離開了

yesterday was a real depressing day.my ex sms me telling me tons of reasons not to get together.

i cant remember all the reasons. i could remember that i said that we should meet to talk or something related to that and she said that we can either leave it hanging this way till another guy enter our life and forget the past or talk about it. how comforting that sound. and yes, i have feelings. i do joke but it is often that we're treated the worse. everyone thought we're strong but we're too emotional being.we too, can feel...

i cant seem to remember another reason. but i remember she said that she had no more confident in rs anymore. god knows, she meant it or not for the way she phrase it, i dont know what's truth.
which reminds me of a story, a classic break up story. the guy wanted to break up so he goes up to the girl calmly and told her that he wanted to break up.he then tell her how bad he was, not suitable for her, not worth for her. then after that, he walks off. it's like a typical story where the guy wanted to find another girl and he still wants to be friend with that girl. i dont know, but it's really common.
am i hinting that this is applying to me? i dont know but it just rings a bell in my head.

you have no confident in the rs when you no longer love that person.

i remember few days back. i told her the problems that i wouldnt want to go back with her. i'm struck in a dilemma between friends and gf. i told her that and few days later, she told me the exact same reasons. no wonder they always say bros over hoes.
so much for being upfront and honest. well, some people are just not so suitable to be truthful too.


you're both my angel and demon. =(
when we get together, you told me that you see us getting married.so right now, she told me that we wasnt suitable for each other. she brings me high up in the sky and ditch me right there.

suddenly reminds me of the watch that i brought for her for the 6th month anniv. it's still here with me but i cannot confirm it would be here always.

i was never this hearbreak.i swear.


i have many more thoughts running tho my mind now. typing it out wouldnt change the facts that i'm sad and you have move on.well, perhaps i should. this heartbreak might come back time after time. but one day, i would move on, eventually. =/

here i am, at the chalet with my laptop and tapping internet connection. everyone around here is almost asleep and it's only day 1. i'm thinking to stay for how long as well. well, like often if chalet doesnt have anything to do then everyone would be yelling bored. but then, i was thinking why have a chalet when the main aim of it was to bond people. i dont know, that what i think chalet should be.


i was thinking, what if when i get you back. the person i knew wasnt there.you see, it's very funny. do you still feel the same for me or have you changed to see that you might not really need me that much.i dont know but i sometimes really do take you for granted.i think it's what the call, i needed you. no doubts, you painted colors in my life. i just dont know what to hold on to and what not to.

i want to let you know, that your heart is safe with me.but you're so busy nowadays for me. i dont know how to pop the question, could you ask it?

sometime, don’t you wish you had no friends? i dont know about you, but i do. many many things are deprive from our experience and i can tell you, my experience of it arent that good. and yes, i cried that day because i kept thinking about why people should have friends at time.

like i said before. people needed accompany no matter what.i realize no matter how it's real hard to be alone or perhaps it just take times to get used to it.i dont know but at least for me, i'm not still that used to being alone.

i can be alone for a whole day, a whole week struck with my computer. =(
today is a real bad day for me. i was planning to go home after UT. oh well, lucky i saw some friends.
the thoughts that came to me back then, were that if anyone was to talk to me. i would not take my own life but then, i realise it's GMH website that giving me this thought. too many people wanted to take their own life and now, a small part of me wanted to do the same. but it really means no harm; it serves as a motivation for me. But somehow today is the day that it serves as a bad motivation. =(

but it's ok, i'm just joking about it. taking my own life is definitely not my way of dying.like i always said, it's kind of stupid.



this few days, i'm getting pretty negative. i dont know is it regarding the environment or the people around me. i cant think positivity. for once, i can’t seem to find the reasons to be strong, to live life positivity. i dont know, i'm not a person of words. i dont know how to express my feelings well. but then, i think i express them though my actions. it's kind of obvious i guess, since they say i cant lie. i'm not a person of lies, i like the truth. i like to speak the truth. i lie only because i had to protect someone. if not, i really choose not to lie.
today, i asked why, why my life was like that. i sat down and cried. i couldn’t understand why. why is my life like that? i cant help it, i was really feeling negative. i watched the Watchmen yesterday night, the character called Rorschach. i like the idea of his character and the way he do things.


why’ve you always saying such stuffs. why’ve you always saying acting on a strong front. why must it sound like i'm in the wrong only? i dont like this but i can’t find courage to tell you face to face, why? for the fear of hurting you hurt me. this is why i choose to keep quiet. but your words sometime pull me down.i dont get it, i just dont get it.
they says, just have a clear conscious. but the problem is, do you even enjoy of being maligned? was it that humans would sacrifice their conscious so that they wouldnt be maligned. was it human pride that haunts them.i dont know. i couldnt answer it.
they always say people assume things, they assume cause they're lacking of the guts to ask it. and sadly, for this instance i'm assuming it to be me. so fear not if it's not me.


no doubt, i really understand you better right now. the best way to really understand is to really experience it firsthand. i did and i know.
they say i'm not an emotional person but clearly, we all knew that everyone would be emotional somehow, just rather we're willing to show it or not.
deep down, i know i'm those types of guys that will cry their guts over when their days get real bad and there is no one to understand them. like not say the type of guys, let just say what i think i'm. i think that i would cry myself over accumulating sadness or events. i dont remember what really happen at that point of time. but sometime, when you're feeling down. you could just feel the past sadness or 委屈 you had.

yes, i'm feeling real negative recently, perhaps due to my fever + sore throat i had. but no doubts, i would get myself up and start to love life. it is like once in a blue moon that you would see me here, feeling real down. if not most of the time, i would try to be strong and forget about it. i dont like remembering sad events.

i'm having my UT3 tomorrow at 830. i must not be late. for it makes a difference between i try and i must.

I was feeling sick recently and had to buy food for myself. I was whining my way there but then, I realize one thing. The image of my parents came into my mind. The thought of them came into it. They had to work/tidy for us with no complaints when they’re slightly sick.

Let just talk about my mum, she tidy the house and have to take care of the babies. Even the strongest get sick. But even so, they still had to work for their family. My mum would really stop doing the household when she really can’t take it anymore. It’s kind of sad when you see them lying on the bed. =`(

It makes me realize how lucky I’m to have such parents and that I should be happy instead of whining how sick I’m. Because when they're sick, they still do the chores. Unlike us, we're allowed to take 'off' from our studies.

We always whine about how much we’re suffering. We’re then blinded by our own deception that we’re the one that is really suffering.



The worst sacrifices are those unheard of.
They don’t talk much about it but we can feel and trust me. Humans are good at doing this. Some just deny it.

if i told you what is really in my mind, you wouldnt believe me either.

I really don’t know what I really want. They said I’m tough but then, I do cares. Just that at times, I don’t show it out. Why? Well, there isn’t really a need for me to show it out. It’s like; don’t let my problem be your problem.
but on a other note, I always enjoy giving bits and bits of advice to friends around but then, I don’t really wanted them to give me advice on what to do. Well, I always thought I knew what to do at that point which is why I don’t share my problems with others. I would find my own way to actually solve it or rather escape from it.

Time to time, I realize that I aren’t actually solving my problem but I’m just escaping from it. I put it behind the back of my head so that eventually, I would forget it.


I want to make your problem mine and not my problem yours. Why? Because I feel comfortable knowing that you trust me that much.


At times, I wonder why we still care. Why we are still affected? Are we still lingering on the past or are we just reluctant to give up.


Another problem is that, why’ve always guys taking the first step. Why cant the girls just start to take the first step, do the things right.
“What meant to be would be”, on a second thought, it might be just bull. I came to realize that it’s actually a reason that we told ourselves so that we wouldn’t continue to think about it.

Look out there, there’re many quotes out there that are addressing the same problem. Isn’t it just like excuses that we tell ourselves so that we could feel better?
It’s just excuses to comfort ourselves that if they’re the one then they would come back. Well, it’s what I’m thinking along. Have we ever realize that it actually take 2 hands to clap. Likewise, it’s not just going to happen when you just sit back and relax. You had to do something so that it would actually work out the way you wanted it to be. And this is why, we, should sometime stop giving ourselves why things happen this way.
Try to take the first step, it work wonders.

I came to realize I might really need help at times. Everyone are not born strong, we just choose to be strong to face the reality.