" i just hope that i have brought joy to my friends around me when i was alive. at least it's make my life worth. i hope i have been a good son, good husband, good friend not the best but i hope they feel how much i love them despite i could never say it out loud. "

Wtf, I just realize I had views on this blogspot when I was looking the dashboard, to think I still have people viewing this lost space. But then if you really saw this, I don’t really know what to feel man. I feel that I’m just typing what I’m feeling now. Truth be told, I do feel affected if you were to look at me at different angles. All I want to do, was to build that strong front that I would never be defeated. All I wanted to do was to create the positive vibe at the expenses of myself. I don’t feel that that's too much to ask for. I do feel that, what I only want is to make everyone around me happy around me, its fine if the jokes is on me. I’m really fine. I just feel that things don’t come easy. You yuan fen is a rather incredible thing. If I ever cross your path and I make you feel lousy. I’m honestly sorry about it. All I want is the best for my friends or whoever deem me as friend and not friends with benefits. That’s all I asked.

当你慢慢长大, 你会发觉自己是多莫得渺小，你会问自己这一切真的值得吗？-- When you slowly grow up then you will realize you are just part of the pawn in the big world. When you slowly grow up, then you realize you will have no friends. I think what really hits me was that when you asked how many best friends I had. I realize I was lost of words and I straight away said 0 and you said that huh. Can’t be 1 or also don’t have. Then I realize, I really do not have or I do not classify anyone as my best friend. The truth is that I don’t, nor I can trust my life to anyone. Was it me? Or it’s my environment, I don’t know. From young, all I knew was that I should be the one that people can trust on. I never thought I could be the one that I can fall on others. Tbh, you call this my defend mechanism I don’t know man, this feel like my blogspot I was feeling damn emotional today and I wanted to type somethings out on Facebook. But I can’t because I lost my train of thoughts and earlier I had a question by a friend. He asked me how best friend I had when we were playing a game and I said 0. Then he was like ‘huh’ and I brushed it off with 1. Which lead me back here now. To think mins ago, I was just trying to vend things out on Microsoft words to try to get something to type on Facebook and yet I am, typing on my blogspot. I realize I had this ages ago but I didn’t really want to type to update it. So back to the conversion earlier, now that I’m at home. I’m giving it a deep thoughts about it. I do realize I have no best friend. Or I do not classify anyone as my best friend. I can clearly give my all to friends that I treasure, but if you were to ask me, if they would do that to me. I would doubt it, 100%! Truth be told, friends are just cheap. It’s not that I don’t treasure friends. To me personally, I treat my friends 100% genuinely but if you ask me if they does the same, I would tell you no, which is why I said friends are cheap. It’s just a name after all for us to befriend someone. Be it like brothers or friends or what not, it’s just fking cheap words which hold no value. When you need help. You sure there would be people coming to save you at a phone call? I highly doubt so man. I don’t know man, I find myself deleting and typing. This feel just like my way to vent my thoughts and it could also serve as my will or my deepest thoughts buried in my heart. Tbh I suddenly remember I had a blogspot is that I feel that that would be one of the place that I could really be myself? I feel so trapped. I’m dying to break free honestly. I’m just overwhelmed by everything. Tbh now, I’m just lost in my thoughts and just typing whatever I feel while listening to songs and drinking some beers. Sometime I feel that I know why people want to drown their sorrow in liquor, it will really numb you or for me, it’s really at a time like this that I could really be my true self. To feel every negativity seeping in, to feel all these sorrows that I have hidden at the back of my heart, seeking revenge at me. For all the times that I have neglected them just by burying them deep at my heart. It’s not that I do not take offense for things but it’s like my instinct to filter out and do not let it affect me. Truth be told, I don’t break down easily. But when I do, it almost feel like it’s the end of the world for me. I’m still fine for me if you were to ask me. But I just feel that this is the time for emotions to run wild and feel what it’s like to be really yourself with no prejudices. God knows how long would I type back at this blog again. But we shall see. The emotions is so overwhelming that I didn’t have else to type anymore or I should say I’m lost in my train of thoughts. Beers might be the only way to get free, I don’t feel that talking to someone would really help. Or maybe I should just try if not my wife would feel damn sad because I always don’t share with her. But then this is me I feel. I ‘m not trying to be someone else. I just can’t fully explain myself that’s all. If anyone ever read this and take this to their heart then I’m just going to say, your story touches my heart. Because this is what I really feel and nothing last forever in the world. There is no 100% certainly in life isn’t it.

with a few click and poof! my old chat board was gone! OMG. i just realize after days and it made me feel quite upset...

so much memories was lost man! if anyone could remember the old web that we used for blogging back then. do give me a comment, would appreciate it!

and I'm still here, breathing day after another day still free of illness or death itself.who knows how long could i live but still I'm still alive right now!!

and my past months goes like this!

1st - Full Time Job!
after months of post ORD and job hunting and part-time job, under a introduction of a friend. i have finally found a full time job at GraphicTech as a Project Coordinator and it's my FIRST DAY! am really glad of her to introduce this job and hopefully it would be a good job! and i was attached to a manager and followed him out for a meeting. everything sound really confusing and hopefully i can get the hang of the job and not let my gf down!

2nd - Healthy and Breathing Family

everyone is still doing well and super proud of my bro that made it from ITE to POLY because i heard from others that it was really really VERY VERY HARD! but am super glad that he made it even after he is studying in poly for like the 3rd year already. there is a saying, better late than never!
and glad he is planning to study UNI unlike this brother of his that have no ambition or dreams...
my mum told me once that my dad was really zi bei when he said that why every other dad can send have the money to send their sons/daughters to UNI and yet he cant... i was driving at that point of time and deep deep down my heart, i died a little. i could barely hold my tears but managed to hold out and i didn't talk anything on the trip home. it was really a heart breaker. and somehow inside of me, i have failed my role as a son because i cant let my dad be proud of me, wearing the square hat and taking a family photo, hopefully my brother would be up to this job that i have 'leave' to him for I'm just a useless brother.

i recalled few months back, had a little quarrel with my gf about the issue of money. as some or not might know, i don't really take money seriously as i find that it's something that we're can live without with or minimal... i remember i had to tabao dinner for myself and i went to RM's coffee shop to tabao. i wanted like a main dish and some sides, like fried dumpling. looking at my pocket, i realise i was few bucks short and had to proceed to the ATM to draw money. suddenly those negative memories came bombarding as i saw i couldn't even draw enough money to have a rather 'decent' meal. i cried on the way home, i cried in the showers. that is like the worst in this year. been long since i cried... i remember that i drank my hearts out on that night which i took a photo of it and i cried away while blasting house music. i 'drunk' text-ed my gf about it and it might be even worse and after that i had a hung over that following day, that's pretty weak of me...


3rd - Loving Girlfriend.

and YES! a person like me is still attached with a wonderful girlfriend of 3years and still counting. am very thankful to her and in most of the ways, she always think about me first, like today. she told me that she 'pray' for job to be smooth sailing and no, she is a Buddhist. the reason that she prayed is because that her company have a practice of saying prayers before they start work, giving thanks to god and etc; aren't you touched! because i sure am. but knowing me, i wouldn't feel it at that point of time. it's only till the later part of the day that I'll feel touched. aren't you jealous? because you better be, unless you got a better gf than me which i think you wont!!!

speaking of which, i recalled i shared with a friend about this issue and it goes something like this. she just entered working world and let says, suay suay, 1 guy that have more social standing and power and money than me, decided to woo her and somehow managed to snatch her away from me. i told my friend that i would just escape to NY where my friend is studying or might be working in the near future and don't come back! run away from this land of heartbreaks and HOPEFULLY IT WONT HAPPEN! BUT SHITS HAPPEN!!!! 


it's not that I'm being negative, it's just that I'm stating the facts that i observed. and yes I'm a LIBRA! i think of both side of the story thus leading to people saying I'm very matured already during secondary times as quoted from Ellen whom have grown up to be a fine hot young lady. 
i guess I'm always thinking and 'forcing' myself to mature faster, perhaps I'm the oldest? i don't know too..

and yes i got plans to marry her but these plans aren't called plans if you don't have money to start with right? right now, I'm trying to save up for every stuffs here and there and hopefully I'll be able to and she would say yes too!



and after months of not 'blogging' , i have manged to post a entry of my life up till date! hopefully i would have more to post and this wouldn't be my last post!

all the best jinglie!

to the FUTURE JINGLIE! GIVE 100% ON EVERYTHING YOU DO AND DON'T REGRET IT!

I miss this space! I promise to be back no matter what!

the days where i could just listen to songs and do self-reflection/emo for the night.i kind of misses such nights where i could just do nothing. even tho it's not good to be emo but it had been awhile ever i feel this way? is it because of my gf? my friends? i dont know. i just love the endless flow of feeling flowing inside me. of cause it doesnt feel good but at least i could be 'someone' for now. there are times when your alternate self just pop out. i think this is my 'weird' alternate self. on a side note, this post sound so emo. but who cares since no one visit it. ~ i have seem many things in my BMT life and i realise i had been doing enough for the people around me. example like putting more effort to help them in their problems, understanding them better and why i would want to do this? i dont know but it's just in me. i feel it's ok if you take advantage of me but dont let it become a habit. and POP lor!

it's been long, real long and ONE more week to POP. days really passed and its already the 5Th month to be thus ending my 19weeks OBESE BMT life. had our ups and downs. see different side of people. what i actually learnt from my BMT is that treat people with respect even if they come from a different background and learn to accept others for who they are. i learned not to take things for granted. in this ever changing world, we need to help and understand people rather then judging them. the daily routine make time pass real fast. you might see that this blog don't make sense, but trust me. it make a difference to me.

sometime i want to be like generous to the other, treat strangers with kindness. then i realise, how could you do something like that when you dont even practise it with your kindness.

for so long, then i realise i'm the selfish one. i'm stuck in my whole world or perhaps, my world spins around me only. i dont know why but this feeling suck. like how shit i treated people badly. we all want to do good to this world, to people. then i realize, things dont make sense in this post anymore. i dont know, just a random venting.

till then.